Chapter 11 : See If I Care
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Previously on It Was Only A Kiss: (that was fun!)
“Get away,” I whispered. Sirius was only inches from me now and gave a soft laugh. The minty fresh smell of his breath made my legs weak for a moment. My breath began to get short.
Then, after what seemed like hours, his soft lips once again, pressed against mine...
See If I Care
See if I care
Look at the way you're tearing me apart, baby
See if I care
Look at the tears falling in this heart, baby
Go on, go on, go on
Yeah.. go on, go on, go on
And see if I care
--Gary Allan "See If I Care"
The taste of his kiss was better then I remembered. I knew that it was because this kiss meant something more then a simple dare.
My lips melted against Sirius’s and I found I couldn’t pull away. Without realizing what I was doing, I wrapped and arm around his neck, deepening the kiss. I felt his own arms slip around my waist and pull me closer. I moaned and Sirius kissed me harder. Running a hand through his hair, which felt as soft and silky as it looked, I came to my senses. I pulled away and stared into Sirius’s grey eyes. He looked shocked by the intensity of the kiss. He obviously wasn’t expecting that either.
“I have a boyfriend,” I grumbled turning around to run up the girls dormitory.
“Libby....” Sirius said. I turned around, glaring at him.
“No, Sirius! For once, you lost the girl,” I said, “I thought we might still be able to be friends. But we can’t. Not after that.”
I then ran up the stairs to the girl’s dormitory. I slammed the door and plopped on to my bed, tears spilling from my eyes once more.
I just kissed someone other then my boyfriend-of-four-days and liked it. Again! I buried my head in my pillow completely confused. Sirius Black has a crush on me. Has since first year. That didn’t make since. It’s me! Libby Cullen! The girl who wore oversized glasses that never could stay on her face. The awkward girl that hangs out with all the cool kids.
Sirius, on the other hand, was the best looking guy in Hogwarts. He was popular, excellent at Quidditch, funny, brilliant for a wizard who never pays attention, and absolutely to good for someone like me. How he could have fallen for me is beyond anyone’s knowledge.
I must have fallen asleep as thoughts drifted through my head. One moment I was staring at the wall and the next an annoying tapping sound was woke me. I sat up and looked at the window. It was dark out now. I missed the rest of my classes and probably dinner. The tapping sounded once more and I saw an owl with a letter and rose in it’s mouth waiting to be let in.
Once the owl was gone, I stared at the blood red rose on my bed with the letter written in the calligraphy handwriting that looked so romantic. I had my suspicions as to who has been sending the letters, but now I was afraid that they would be right. I don’t think I could take the thought of having thought Sirius to be romantic.
Finally, I pulled picked up the letter and rose and walked back to the window. I tore open the letter and my heart sank. The words were written clearly in the same hand writing: I’m sorry. I know I am a stupid git. Please, forgive me...S.B. With an angry cry I threw the rose across the room and tore the parchment into little pieces. As they fluttered to the floor they transfigured into rose petals. The same scarlet color as the whole rose now on the floor by the door.
The door opened then. Lily and Kirsten walked in and looked at the rose on the floor, to the rose petals at me feet, to my tears that once again were rolling down my cheeks. They hurried to me and hugged me tight. Then they led me to my bed and made me sit.
“Libby, it’s okay.” Lily said handing me a tissue. I took it and dabbed my eyes.
“No it’s not,” I sobbed, “Everything is all wrong.”
“I know, Libby, I know,” Kirsten hushed me.
“I can’t believe him, though. Why he has to like me and tell me now! I was perfectly fine talking with him and then he has to throw food at Ben’s head!” I tore up the tissue angrily.
“Calm down, Libby. Just relax, okay?” Kirsten said.
“I can’t calm down. Every time I do I think of him and get mad all over again. He doesn’t seem to understand that I like Ben and not him! Then he has to go and kiss me again!” I fell back on my pillows.
“You guys kissed again?” Lily gasped.
“Yes. But only because he wanted to prove to me that I wanted him desperately. Which he didn’t prove at all, by the way. Now I don’t ever want to look at him again let alone talk with him,” I huffed.
“Libby, look, Sirius is just as upset by this as you are. You are with Ben. You haven’t changed your mind about Ben or anything, so forget about it. Sirius will have to get over it. You do what makes you happy. Okay?” Lily asked. I nodded, but I really didn’t know what made me happy right now.
“Did you get my homework?” I asked them.
“Yes,” Kirsten said.
“Was Mcgonagall mad?”
“Actually,” Kirsten said, “she wasn’t at all. When she saw both your seat and Sirius’s was empty when class started, she just stared at them with pity and started class. Usually she gives us a lecture when she knows someone skipped class.”
“Yeah and Charms was even weirder. People had started spreading these rumors that you and Sirius were in his dormitory going at it,” Lily explained, “And someone shouted that out in front of Flitwick he just looked at them and said ‘Well, lets hope they sort out their differences.’ Ben asked us if we knew how you were doing and then he even asked James!”
“Sort out our differences?” I repeated, “Oh my, God, the teachers want us to get together?!”
I can’t interfere with fate now, can I?
“That’s what we were like!” Kirsten said.
“Anyways, Libs, Ben asked us to tell you to meet him in the library in five minutes if you’re up to it. He won’t think you stood him up, he just wants to make sure you are okay and all,” Lily said, standing.
“Okay. I’ll go now then,” I muttered getting up, too.
I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I gasped at my reflection. My hair was a mess, something I quickly fixed, and my eye make up was smeared and streaky. I quickly took it off and put more on after splashing my face with water. I changed out of my school robes and into jeans and my Billy Talent band t-shirt. Before I left, Kirsten called after me.
“We’re really sorry,” she said.
“Yeah. I overreacted,” Lily muttered, “I already apologized to James.”
“It’s okay guys. Really,” I smiled and hugged them both before going down the staircase to the Common Room.
I spotted James, Remus, and Peter trying to get a sulking Sirius to do something fun. I paused for a moment for reasons I cannot say, for I didn’t know myself. It was like I was meant to see Sirius glance up at me. His sad eyes meeting mine for a moment before I broke the gaze and left the common room for the library. I hurried down the corridor curious as to why him being hurt broke my own heart.
I pushed the thought out of my head telling myself that it was just because everything had been going so well between Sirius and I. It was ruined now. I won’t be able to speak with him knowing that I could jump on him any moment. I couldn’t deny it; his kisses were like a drug that you’ve been on for a long time. I stopped walking when this hit me.
I forced myself to keep walking forwards. I don’t like Sirius Black. I have no feelings for him. I like Ben. Not Sirius. Sirius is a jealous prat.
Yet, I couldn’t help but realize how just thinking of Sirius makes me smile. How he just had to smile to make my day ten times better. I realized just how much I looked forward to talking to him everyday and how much fun I had dancing with him at my birthday. For a moment, I wanted to run back to the common room and tell Sirius all of this, but another part wanted me to go to Ben. So I kept walking, more confused then I have ever been in my life.
I entered the library and saw Ben straight away. I made my way over to him and he hugged me tight before we sat as far as we could from Madam Pinch. He kissed me softly and looked at me with confused eyes.
“Are you alright?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said shaking my head ‘no’. Ben just smiled.
“So you’re not going to break up with me and go running to Sirius?” he asked. I looked at him. The thought had crossed my mind but left so quickly I didn’t even consider it. Now that thought seemed crazy.
“No, Ben, why would I do that?” I asked.
“Well, it’s Sirius Black. The guy has more girls crushing on him then there is to count. Every guy in this school is scared their girlfriend or crush or whatever is going to fall for Black! We all know we can’t compete with him,” Ben explained. I rolled my eyes.
“There’s more to relationships then just looks,” I sighed, “And Sirius, well, there is more to Sirius then looks, but he just isn’t the type of guy a girl like me would be capable of being with. Unlike you who is both adorable and sweet without having to try and I promise I won’t leave for Sirius.”
“Gee, thanks, Libs! I’ve always wanted to be adorable and sweet!” I heard an edge of sarcasm in his voice that made me look at him confused. But Ben just smiled and kissed me softly and stood up, pulling me with him.
“Where are we going?” I asked as he led me out of the library.
“To the astronomy tower,” Ben shrugged.
He just wants to get in your pants I groaned inwardly. Sirius’s voice even followed me when I was minutes away from him. But the accusation stuck in my head as Ben continued to lead me up to the Astronomy tower.
“Why?” I asked, my voice strong.
“Because I love looking at the stars here. They are so clear,” Ben replied.
“You know Ben, I don’t know if I’m up for that?” I said, uncomfortably. Ben stopped walking and looked at me, realizing why I was so resistant to go to the tower with him.
“Libby, I’m not going to do anything to you,” he said, looking shocked that I would think such a thing, “We’re just going to stare at the sky for a while and talk. It’ll make you feel better.”
I nodded, deciding that I should really trust my boyfriend and not accuse him of things like that. Yet, as we walked, again, I couldn’t help but imagine myself walking up to the Astronomy tower with Sirius instead. Angry that I was once again thinking of Sirius, not to mention thinking of him in a more then friends way, I shook my head violently.
“Are you okay?” Ben asked, startled by my hostile movement.
“Fine,” I said. We had made it to the Astronomy tower now and were heading to the window to be disappointed.
The stars were twinkling up in the sky—behind layers of thick, dark clouds threatening to release buckets of rain. Ben seemed surprised by the sky, too, it had been sunny all day with a cloud or two here. I smiled at Ben.
“I have homework to do, anyways. I think I’m just going to work on that,” I said. Ben nodded and walked me to the Gryffindor tower. He kissed me, harder then he had ever done before, and let me go into the common room.
As the portrait shut behind me, I leaned against the wall. Ben had kissed me like he wanted all his fondness for me to get to me through that kiss. The same way Sirius had kissed me hours before. Why was it that it was Sirius who was on my mind and not Ben?
“Are you okay?” for the third time, someone asked me that question. I looked up to see, who else, but Sirius. I glared at him for a long time.
“You love to cause havoc, don’t you?” I snapped.
“What?” he asked, looking more hurt, “You just look upset. I wanted to know if you were alright.”
“I told you to leave me alone, Black,” I said. Then I went up to my dormitory. I caught James’s eye on accident. It was filled with disappointment and maybe even a bit of anger. I looked away.
Saturday came around quickly. I was thankful for that. Hours in a room with Sirius Black was not good. It was even worse in Charms when I was stuck between both Sirius and Ben. I swear everything Sirius did was deliberately done for my attention. I was surprised to find, actually, that I was awear of what Sirius was doing all day. My other classes, such as Potions, was horrible as well. Sirius and I kept messing up our potions, and I knew it was because I was refusing to cooperate with him.
On Saturday morning, I dressed quickly in black jeans and a causal top that Kirsten picked out for me. I pulled on my converses and left my hair down with a clip in it. Lily did my make-up and then I put my money in the pocket of my jean jacket and I stood infront of the mirror, smiling. I actually looked pretty good. I was the last one in my dormitory beside. Probably the last in my house that was actually going, the Orrin twins were screaming in the bathroom, for Sirius had actually fallen through with that prank that we had planned. Something told me it was just for my enjoyment, too.
I left the room, shutting the door behind me, and hurried down the steps into the Common Room. Sirius was there, doing homework. He looked up when he saw me. I ignored him, but he got up from his chair and met me near the portrait hole, blocking my way to the exit. I glared at him.
“Before you yell at me, listen, okay?” Sirius said. I bit my tongue to keep from saying anything and Sirius went on, “I just wanted to tell you: Good luck today. With Ben.”
I stared at Sirius before scoffing, “You can’t be serious.”
“Actually, I am,” Sirius said, and then added, “No pun intended.”
“Oh,” I was shocked, “Well, um, thank you, Sirius.” I forced a smile which somehow, instantly, became a real smile. Staring into Sirius’s grey eyes was making me oddly calm.
“You better get going,” Sirius muttered moving out of the way. I smiled again and nodded.
I hurried down the corridors to the Entrance Hall. Ben was waiting, checking his watch. When he heard my approaching footsteps, he looked up and smiled with relief. I realized we were the only ones left to head towards the village.
“I’m so sorry,” I said knowing he has been waiting for a while.
“It’s fine,” Ben said, though he didn’t look at me or say anything else as we headed down towards the village. Once we entered Honeydukes, however, we began to loosen up and laughed.
We were looking at the pile of chocolate bars that looked so tempting to buy when I saw Remus, hands full with chocolate, with a Ravenclaw girl who I believed was named Morgan Anderson. I smiled at Remus, remembering his chocolate stash.
“Hey, Remus,” I said.
“Oh, hi Libby,” Remus smiled politely, “Haven’t spoken to you in a while.”
“Yeah, well, you know I—”
“Sirius regrets telling you, you know,” Remus intercepted. Ben became very still next to me and Morgan Anderson looked at Remus, interested, “He wants to be able to talk to you like a normal person again.”
“Yeah, well,” I muttered, looking at the ground, “He went to far.”
“Maybe, but he’s miserable,” Remus shrugged, “Hasn’t cracked a joke or smile since Wednesday. He barely talks at all. Just stares off into space. I liked it better when he went on and on about you.”
“What do you mean on and on?” I asked.
“He told you he’s liked you since first year. Just like James with Lily. James can talk about Lily for hours and only have been talking about her eyes. Sirius is like that when it comes to you. The past few weeks when you guys were ‘friends’ he would come into our dormitory all happy and talk for hours.” Remus explained.
“Oh,” I said, troubled at the thought.
“Don’t worry about it. He should get over this soon, hopefully. This is his first broken heart, so it’s bound to hurt,” Remus shrugged. Then he walked off to buy the pile of chocolate in his arms. I looked at Ben, who smiled.
“Don’t worry about Sirius. He’s caused you a lot of grief already. Forget about him and have fun,” he advised me. I nodded but found myself buying a lot more chocolate then I had wanted to.
We left the shop and started to walk towards the quill shop. I remembered that only a week ago I was sitting down by the lake with Sirius. He never told me what I was supposed to pick up for him. I sighed. If Ben hadn’t asked me out last Saturday, it would be Sirius I would be walking along the street with. Possibly holding hands like Ben and I were.
I looked at the quills without interest as Ben studied each one as if looking for something special on each one. He was the one that needed the new quill anyways. I lifted a rather handsome quill from it’s spot and twirled it between my thumb and pointer finger. It was all black, even the tip, but soft, light, and silky. Like Sirius’s hair. I sighed. I really needed to clear my head if I was comparing a quill to Sirius’s hair. That’s something the Orrin twins would do. Not me.
Ben and I left the shop five minutes later. The black quill and some green ink in a bag labeled with the shop name. It was a waste of money, but something possessed me to buy the stupid quill.
“So, where do you want to go now? The Three Broomsticks?” Ben asked.
“Yeah, sure. I can go for a butterbeer,” I said. Then added in an undertone, “Or something stronger.”
We started off towards the pub. Students were already going in and out. That was when I saw a huge black dog playing around the street with a couple of third years that were exploring the Village for the first time. The dog spotted Ben and me walking up and bounded over. It jumped right on me, making me fall back on my bum.
I started laughing as the dog licked me all of my face, it’s tail wagging at a furious rate. I pushed him off and got to my feet. The dog was an obvious stray, but cute. It’s fur was soft and it’s eyes were familiar. They were lighter then I had ever seen on a dog. It’s bark was familiar, too. I knew I heard it once before, but couldn’t place where.
“Are you okay?” Ben asked, he was eyeing the dog with dislike and backing away.
“Fine,” I said and kneeled back down, scratching the dog behind his ears, “You’re a cute little thing, aren’t you?” I cooed to it, “Friendly, too! Come on, Ben, pet him. He won’t bite, I don’t think.”
“That’s okay, Libby,” Ben was still inching away. I smirked.
“You’re scare of dogs?!” I gasped.
“You would be, too, if you were attacked by one at the tender age of three!” Ben said a bit defensively, “Plus that thing isn’t little. It’s huge and a stray. You don’t know what it is capable of!”
“Ben, look, he’s just licking me,” I assured him, “Come here and pet the dog!”
Ben hesitated. The dog stopped wagging it’s tail and looked at Ben before sitting down and watching him slowly approach. I smiled.
“See, he’s calm,” I said, pulling Ben closer. Ben stared at the dog before reaching out to pet it. The dog growled, getting back on it’s feet and crouching low. Ben backed back up.
“Uh...I think I’ll just stay back here,” he said.
“That’s weird,” I said petting the dog again, “You don’t like Ben?”
The dog barked in response, wagging it’s tail once more.
“Hey, Libby, who’s dog?” Lily asked as she and James came out of the Three Broomsticks. James was looking at the dog with an amused smile.
“It’s a stray,” I called back. The couple made their way towards me.
“Oh, he’s so cute,” Lily said bending down and scratching the dog behind the ears. James laughed at that and the dog jumped on him.
“Get off! Get off you stupid dog!” James snapped, pushing the dog off. The dog got off and Lily frowned at James.
“The dog isn’t stupid James,” she said. James snorted.
“He’s worse then Padfoot, Lils,” James said putting emphasis on Sirius’s nickname. The dog tilted it’s head to the side before looking back at me and jumping around again.
“How do you know, James?” Lily asked.
“Lily, I’m a Marauder. As a Marauder I find the need to get away from school more then every other month,” James explained, “If you really think that I haven’t seen this dog before then you need to get of the gillyweed.”
“I can take points from Gryffindor for you sneaking of school grounds when you’re not allowed to, you know,” Lily warned. James smirked.
“But you won’t Lils, because you are just that great,” he said.
I wasn’t paying attention to them, I was continuing to pet the dog. He had rolled onto his back now, revealing his tummy for a tummy rub. Once I had finished playing with the dog a little Ben pulled me into the Three Broomsticks. I went into the bathroom first to wash my hands. I didn’t know where that dog had been. As the door shut behind me I heard the Orrin twins talking to another one of their posse over the cubical walls, I wondered how they fixed their hair? It was pretty bad.
“—a slut!” Samantha was saying.
“Everyone knows she’s just playing Carlson,” Susan replied.
“Yes, but why would she still be with him if Sirius has confessed that he likes her?” the third voice, which I could not identify, asked.
“She’s playing hard to get, obviously,” Susan said nastily.
“Or Carlson is a good kisser,” Samantha added, “I don’t think I’ve ever snogged him.”
“He isn’t that great of a kisser,” Susan said lazily, “but I don’t think she would stay with Carlson because he’s a good kisser. I think she wants Sirius and just binding her time. Like that Evans was. You know, pretending she hated James when she really liked him?”
“Or maybe,” I said loudly and clearly, “I really do like Ben Carlson and won’t be breaking up with him for a while!”
The bathroom went uncomfortably silent as I dried my hands on the paper towels and dropped it in the rubbish bin. Then i went out to sit with Ben in the corner. I saw the black dog sitting outside looking in.
“You seem flustered,” Ben said.
“The stupid Orrin twins think I’m using you!” I gasped. Ben raised an eyebrow.
“I don’t know. Maybe because they are obsessed with Sirius and hate me?” I huffed. I sipped my butterbeer angrily.
“How could anyone hate you?” Ben asked with a smile.
“There are plenty of ways, I assure you,” I said.
The dog followed Ben and me around all day. Every time Ben would go to grab my hand, the dog would jump between us and growl at Ben. Every time Ben got close enough to kiss me, the dog would jump between us and growl at Ben. And every time I tried to tell the dog to shoo, the dog would jump between us and growl at Ben. Then look at me and wag it’s tail. I was relieved that when Ben suggested heading back up to the castle, the dog turned and ran off.
So, the date was ruined by a dog, but otherwise everything went fine. Besides the stupid thoughts of Sirius that kept making their way into my mind when ever something Ben did reminded me of Sirius. That made my head hurt, pushing each and every thought from my head.
As we made our way back up to the castle I saw Lily and James walking ahead. They were holding hands and Lily was laughing at something James had just said. I thought back to me and Ben. Yeah, we were holding hands, but we hadn’t exactly laughed much the whole time. I don’t think that was because of the dog either. And I noticed that Ben seemed more comfortable around me if we were around people. Or if we were in the library with me sad or doing homework. Otherwise, conversation was limited. It was never like that with Sirius. We could—
No! I am going to stop comparing Ben to Sirius because Ben is not Sirius and never will be so I might as well forget about it.
“Well, Libby, I guess I’ll see you later?” Ben asked. I jerked back into the real world. We were standing in the Entrance Hall. I smiled.
“Yeah, sure,” I said, “I had fun today.”
“Me, too,” Ben said, “Except for that dog.”
“Bye Ben,” I laughed.
“See you,” Ben grinned.
I walked up to the Gryffindor Common room to find Sirius exactly where he was when I left; hunched over parchment and text books doing homework. He looked up when the portrait opened and stared at me. There was a knowing look in his eyes as he looked down. The common room was a bit full so I had to walk over.
“What?” I asked a bit harsher then I intended.
“What do mean ‘what’?” Sirius countered looking up at me.
“You were staring at me like you knew something,” I accused.
“I was just seeing if you were James. He was real nervous this morning. I don’t know why seeing how he and Lily have been together almost three months, as he constantly reminds me.” Sirius said, smirking at the last bit.
“Whatever,” I said before turning around.
“Wait, Libby, how’d your date go with Carlson?” Sirius said, grabbing my hand. Which he quickly dropped, leaving it tingling at my side.
“It was fine,” I said a bit awkwardly. And then for a reason I can’t say, I went on, “Some stray was following us everywhere. It was friendly enough, but it got annoying when it kept getting between me and Ben.”
“Really now?” Sirius asked, sitting back.
“Yeah. And I ran into Remus in Honeydukes,” I laughed as i sat down, “Let’s just say that his chocolate drawer might not close for a while.”
“Oh, don’t worry, Remus will eat most of the old stuff to make way for the new,” Sirius grinned. I laughed again, enjoying the chance to speak with Sirius in a friendly manner again.
“So, what did you do?” I asked.
“Just, er, homework,” Sirius said, looking away.
“Which reminds me of the pile I still need to do,” I groaned leaning back in the chair.
“None of it is to hard,” Sirius assured me. I rolled my eyes when the portrait opened once more and James and Lily walked in. James kissed Lily quickly before she disappeared up the girls dormitories. James spotted me talking with Sirius and quickly went up to the boys dormitory.
“I’m going to go see Lily is doing,” I said standing, “And get started on that homework before dinner.”
“See you,” Sirius said. I smiled and went up to my dormitory.
It was so weird. I’m mad at Sirius yet I was just able to talk to him like nothing had ever changed between us. And I felt happy as I went to my dormitory. I stopped outside the door. I think, finally, I was facing the truth. The horrible truth that makes my stomach twist. But it explained why just looking at Sirius can brighten my day. How I keep thinking of Sirius when I’m with Ben. Why I never can kiss Ben without thinking of Sirius. Why I constantly compare Ben to Sirius. And it’s been this way all year, maybe even before, but I’ve been to blind and stupid to notice it.
I, Libby Cullen, am falling in love with Sirius Black.
A/N:You guys are great, really. I love you. I was going to wait to put this up. Seriously, I was going to wait like two days or so. But then I saw that you all were doing what I asked and reviewing, so I thought, what the heck? Might as well update now.
Did the chapter satisfy you all??
Now, a little something from Chapter Twelve: I'm Not Okay (I Promise):
“Yeah, but, Libby, I was watching you through Transfiguration. You seemed distracted by Sirius,” James smirked. I looked at him, angry that I had been so obvious.
“I said it in the first class and I’ll say it now. He’s very distracting,” I said.
“Even when he isn’t doing anything?” James asked, his smirk getting bigger. I sighed. I could trust James, but I wasn’t so sure if I could trust him while we’re dealing with his best friend.
“That’s when he’s most distracting,” I muttered. James laughed quietly.
You get to see a little of Sirius' point of view in the next chapter, too. And a different side of Ben. Hehe.
Oh yeah, I'm thinking about starting another Sirius/OC. Actually, I've already written the prologue. I'm not sure when to post it up, though. . .
Keep reviewing. It really makes me want to update everyday.
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