Chapter 1 : Teddy bear with too many legs
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For any of you who struggle reading this, I have a key!
Fred: is in normal writing.
George: is in italics, like this.
I SOLEMNLY SWEAR THAT I AM UP TO NO GOOD
Greetings ladies and germs of all ages, I welcome you to (if you haven’t guessed it already) the Weasley Brothers’ Big Book of Pranks. I am Fred Weasley.
And I’m George.
And together we are to put together an archive.
Ooooooooh some extended vocabulary you have their Fred.
Extended for dim wits like you George. Now when you get to the calibre of intelligence and sophistication of the one and only me then you will appreciate the real power of words upon the humble human brain.
Rude, insolent little toe-rag you are sometimes.
You sound like Mum!
No I don’t. I can’t possibly. I’ll be scared of myself! Every time I speak I shall quake in my own shoes!
Just get along and explain to the nice readers what this compendium of cleverly constructed comicality by the charismatic charming Weasley twins is all about!
I think you’re going to get a few questions on what many of those words mean George.
I will happily answer any questions as long as they are not at the calibre of intellect as you Fred.
Thank you George. For any body we may have just insulted…….
Which we are unintentionally good at…….
Now will you tell them?
Of course dear brother of mine. This compendium of cleverly constructed comicality by the charismatic and charming Weasley twins has been put together to put some hilarity into the lives of muggles and wizards alike. It tells of many of the pranks that stick in our minds and should hopefully make you giggle.
Of course many of them will never even get sight of the prank genius of the marauders, Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs.
That they were.
One of them still is remember George.
Oh yes. I can’t believe that they kept that from us all of this time. I personally would have paid them much more respect. Sirius, Remus, Harry’s dad and Ron’s rat were the famous marauders whom made most of our best pranks possible.
I quite agree. Shame that only one survives.
Two survive Fred, don’t forget Wormtail.
Oh for God’s sakes George he doesn’t count. He’s a traitor to all of those honest hearted pranksters out there.
Not to mention a traitor to poor old Harry and his parents.
And the marauders as a whole.
I feel sorry for poor Harry. Fancy knowing that one of your dad’s closest friends was partly the reason that his parents were dead.
I would have killed him the day that I found out.
But that would be stooping to his level
Fine then, I ………..would………….. give him to Remus in a full moon.
But animagi cannot be made to live the life of a were-wolf.
But they can still die at the hand of teeth and claws.
Fred we’re getting off the point again. This book is for comedy not depressing stories, death and destruction.
I apologise and shall from now on steer clear from sad topics.
And getting away from the point?
No way! When I go off the subject my readers may find out something useful and life changing.
I seriously doubt that.
Well shall we just leave them now to read our experiences of making a bad name for ourselves.
We do not have a bad name Fred. It’s just not everyone is as light hearted as us and can’t take a joke. I quite agree though on your first point. Let’s just halt our waffling and relate our tales to these avid readers that await us with bated breath.
And now onto one of our earlier pranks.
Ikle Ronniekins should like this one.
He practically screamed with mirth when this particular prank took place.
Shall we tell them Fred?
After you George my favourite twin.
Okay, Ron had just turned three years old if I remember rightly. So that would make us………
Yes, that would make us five years old. Fred and I used to have a toy broomstick each that we used to hover around on playing wizards.
They didn’t hover very high and we had a limited amount of magic then. We were only five years old and greater levitation only comes to kids like Dumbledore when they’re five.
Quite right. Well anyway one day we had left our broomsticks outside while we pestered mum for some chocolate frogs.
And who trundles along but little Ickle Ronniekins with his new teddy bear.
Well Ron trundles out and decides ooh lets jump up and down on Fred’s broomstick and see just how long it takes to snap in half under the ton of toddler fat. So he climbs aboard and jumps up and down, up and down.
By now I had spotted him out of the window and rushed outside much to the relief of mum. Well of course I was too late and as I rushed out to stop the pile of rat droppings I heard a sickening…
And there lay poor Fred’s pride and joy splintered and wrecked with a bundle of fat drooling toddler on top of it giggling happily thoroughly enjoying Fred’s pain.
That fat drooling toddler just happens to have been our younger brother George.
True, true, he deserves more insults with some more linguistic flare.
A vile, disfigured, rotten, offensive, contaminating piece of dragon muck that doesn’t deserve the life he leads. Harry Potter as a best friend the charming (yet amazingly annoying) Hermione as a soul mate.
You mean that they’ve got together after all of this time.
Well not officially but I kind of caught them kissing at the bottom of the garden.
Anything more you would like to tell me about our dear brother that you haven’t told us.
No, no we’re getting off the plot. As I was saying. There lay my pride and joy in splintering ruins with Ron sitting atop of it.
So what did you do to him?
I cursed his brand new teddy bear of course. This proves dear brother of mine that I have amazing transfiguration talents even at such a tender young age.
Yes, Mr ego boost. But please tell our readers what you turned it into.
A great filthy spider of course. Big hairy legs sticking out all over the place, Ron screamed the house down. Mum came running out of the kitchen already screaming our names with little Ginny clinging to her leg.
Of course she took Ron’s side didn’t she? Poor ickle Ronniekins who just happened to have a spider in his hands and huge tears streaming down his face.
She refused to mend my broomstick as well didn’t she!
Indeed she did. I don’t think we’ve ever been mum’s favourite children have we?
It used to be Percy the perfect big-headed prat!
I think that it’s Ron now.
Well although we rant about him, he was just a toddler.
He has gone through quite a bit throughout his years at Hogwarts. I mean: he helped Harry get the Philosopher’s stone.
And he helped Harry save Ginny from the Chamber of secrets.
What’s happening between them two?
Harry and Ginny!
Harry finally decided he had fallen for Ginny and now they have ended it so he can go off on some noble quest.
Good old Harry. He is mum’s idea of a perfect son-in-law.
We owe Harry a lot. He gave us the funding for our booming business.
And saved Ginny and dad from an almost certain death.
That as well. Yes the trio have all done their fair share to society.
Good God would you listen to us! We’re getting all solemn and serious again.
Incredibly sorry. Well that prank got us two results. We are officially mum’s most annoying children and we started off a life-long phobia for Ron.
What wonderful brothers we are.
A/N: I really hoped that you like it. I warn you updates, won't be a regular thing here, as it is my outlet for when I have writers block.
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