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Why? This Is My Reason by Nessa Elendil
Chapter 1 : Excuses
 
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Disclaimer: I only own my character, not Rowling's.
A/N: This is my first fic like this, if you get that; so please be nice even though it's not that good.




Everyone says it's all my fault, that I'm a rat. But that's not true, at least not all of it. That wasn't what I'd plan to have happen when I... Well I should start from the beginning. My name is Peter Pettigrew, and this is the reason for my choices in life.

It started before Hogwarts, my father would always complain about how I must be a Squib, and, because of that, was unfit to carry the name 'Pettigrew', the name of a pureblood. But my mother was so overprotective of me that she never let me near a wand for fear I'd hurt myself. So how was I suppose to live up to my father's expectations if I could not practice magic?

Then I got my Hogwarts letter, both of my parents were so proud, it was the first time my father had ever been proud of me. The second time, and last that I remember, was when I was sorted into Gryffindor, the best house, in my father's opinion, because it was his house.

When I got up to my bed in my dormitory that first night, I was the first one there. About thirty minutes later, I was still up from the excitement of actually being there, at Hogwarts. That was when four people walked into the dorm, the four people that would change my life forever.

I looked up from what I was doing - reading a book, I think - to catch their conversation.

"You know you can't stay in here, Jas," Remus Lupin said to Jasmine Black, who was carrying the trunk while Sirius Black and James Potter - I still fill with guilt every time I think of him - laughed at what she was proposing. They had met on the train and were already the best of friends.

"And why the hell not?"

Even now, at the tender age of eleven, she had the worst mouth on her of anyone I'd ever met.

"Well for one thing," James said, "this is the boys dorm, and for another, there aren't enough beds."

"Well, I prefer you lot to the bunch of girls who are more than likely going to turn out to be a bunch of stupid bimbos, all 'oh my god, i broke a nail!' and 'oh no, a bug! scream and run away!'. So I'll just make someone leave."

"And how do you suggest we do that, eh? Kick a guy out of his own dorm?" This time it was Sirius who spoke.

"Like this," Jasmine answered impatiently.

For a moment then, our eyes met. It was the first time anyone of them had noticed me, and, for a second, I felt sure she was going to kick me out.

But she saw something in my eyes, fear perhaps, and walked past me to the other end of the room. In front of the farthest bed, she deposited her trunk, grabbed the other one, and threw it outside the door.

James and Sirius were laughing again while Remus just smiled and shook his head, Remus had always been more 'by-the-book' than any of us.

"Now who are you?" Jasmine interrupted their laughter and looked at me again.

"P-Peter," I managed to squeak out.

They, four of the future 'Marauders', introduced themselves and basically ignored me for the next six weeks of term.

During that time, they had made their names as 'pranksters' and 'troublemakers' and 'world's greatest friends'. I, on the other hand, had made no friends and was a square goody-two shoes who let Slytherins walk all over me.

In the sixth week of school, some older Slytherins had grabbed me and stuffed me into a suit of armor. I was terrified, screaming and banging for hours, praying for someone to come rescue me.

Finally, someone heard my calls of distress and let me out of my horrible prison. It was my dorm mates.

When I came out, I was pale, clammy, and shaking. Those four, my four once-friends, had noticed those kinds of things happening a lot. They took pity on me, allowing me to become "one of them," as they said, but that was never true, I had become their tag-a-long, as was never as smart of powerful as they. But the Slytherins began to lay off after they found I had the four newest troublemakers to help me around, and that was what mattered.

I remembered being the happiest of my life for the next few months. I had friends, smart, powerful, loyal, friends.

James had started an obsession with a Muggleborn, Lily Evans, and I knew Jasmine had flirted with me, especially when I asked her to help me with my homework, she used a voice that was just for me! She never used it at any other time or with anyone else.

The end of those months was when trouble started. We found out a secret, a secret that started the Marauders. Remus Lupin was a werewolf.

Just before the beginning of our third year, we had figured out and carried out a way to help our lycanthropic friend, we became illegal animagus. James, Prongs, a stag, Sirius, Padfoot, a dog, Jasmine, Whitetip, a fox, Remus we christened Moony, and I, Wormtail, a rat, a low dirty, despicable rat. But that didn't bother me then, mostly because Jasmine wasn't your typical girl, she liked rats, all other creatures, too. And I had always taken it as a sign that the syllables of our nicknames began with the same letters, W and T, (even though she usually went by 'Tips' and I was often called 'Wormy') and that our names were the only two to do with our tails.

Then came the day we confronted Remus about his 'furry little problem' as James would call it. Remus was so scared of what we'd do now that we knew that he nearly started crying, but I could relate there, before having the Marauders for friends...

Well, anyways, after we'd told Remus what we had done to help him, he was so happy that he hugged us all and then kissed Jasmine! It may have only been a light brush, but she didn't pull back, she kissed back! And on the lips! I could never remember being so angry! Jealously spread through my veins like wildfire. Jasmine Black had just received her first kiss, and it wasn't from me!

James clapped me on the shoulder, bringing me out of my trance.

"Didn't see that one coming, mate!" was all he said. And for some reason, that made me angrier still, especially when I learned that the entire school had thought they liked each other, except for James - because he had his own girl issues - and me.

The worst part though, was only a short while after when Remus and Jasmine started dating.

She had to be pity-dating. There was no other explanation. Why else would a beautiful, pureblood witch, who was one of the most sought after girls in the school, date a half-blood, half-human monster?

So I decided to wait, wait for her to be done dating a man who didn't hold her heart, a man who wasn't me.

For three long, agonizing years, I waited. I had endured everything, from his arm around her as they walked through corridors, to them snogging each other senseless in the Common Room, to Remus telling us one day in fifth year how they had consummated their relationship.

At least he left it at that, I don't think I could have stood hearing details of how my gorgeous flower had slept with another man only to ease his lycanthropy.

So in sixth year, I finally did something; I decided to show Jasmine that I couldn't wait forever like James was for Lily, but it didn't matter for James, because everyone could see Lily was cracking.

But as for me, I decided that I needed to get Jasmine jealous. So I needed a girl. I knew I could never get a girl like Jasmine, now the most sought after for over a year, but that was because she didn't exist. In my mind, Jasmine was perfect, so I needed to settle for less than perfect, but it was only until Jasmine cracked and came to me.

Now, my options were pretty limited, no Slytherins or Muggleborns, I mean, I just couldn't imagine what my father would say if he found out I had a Mudblood for a girlfriend.

One day, I just plucked up my Gryffindor courage, I still don't know where it came from, and asked out a Ravenclaw in my year, Celestia Spunkle, a pureblood and fairly pretty, but not as pretty as the girl I really wanted.

To my vast amazement, she said yes, and it had the opposite effect I wished for, all of my friends congratulated me, even Jasmine! And she was truly happy for me! I could see it in her face... in her eyes. But I knew it must have been a hoax, so as not to arouse suspicion. She loved me!... She had to.

But as the year went on, I could tell my plan wasn't working. Remus and Jasmine got closer and closer, and, now that I had Celestia, I cared less and less.

Until one day, Celestia started asking me all about Sirius and James. I answered her questions the best I could, but that just got her started up with more questions.

I didn't understand why she was acting that way, we were on a date! So why did she only wish to talk about my best mates?!

She told me once I'd asked her; she was only dating me to find out if they, James and Sirius, were the playboys everyone made them out to be, she wanted a relationship with a real Marauder.

I had never been so crushed in all my life, not even when I had seen my love's first kiss, I was a real Marauder! and I was used.

I broke up with her, right there in Hogsmeade, and went back to the school with tears of shame and embarrassment shining in my eyes.

When I had reached my dorm, I just sat there for I don't remember how long. Sirius and James were in detention and Jasmine was still in Hogsmeade... with him, so I had the dorm to myself. I knew at that moment that I had fallen in love with Miss Jasmine Black and that I could love no other. Feigning love results only in heartbreak, and I knew that once Jasmine and I were together, neither of us would ever feel heartbreak again.

Again I waited, only this time not as long. In the beginning of our seventh and final year, Remus and Jasmine had finally broken up. To this day, no one knows why and they had refused to say. But even after, they were still close.

Anyways, on that day, one of the happiest of my life, I decided that the next day I would ask out my life's love for a date and we would finally be together.

But times that begin perfect never end that way. That morning, I waited until Remus was out of earshot to ask her out. I opened my mouth, but no sound came out. Jasmine noticed me though, she always did.

"Is there something you want?" she asked me.

Just as I was about to reply, "You," James came running over looking the happiest we had ever seen him. He announced that Lily Evans had finally agreed to go out with him.

Sirius was congratulating James as I tried to too, even though he had ruined what was to be the greatest moment in my life.

Jasmine went over to talk to Lily, understandable since they had been friends since first year.

Once everything had settled down, my heart's desire and I were sitting next to each other. She turned to my with her deep, grey eyes and asked what I was going to say. Lovely Jasmine, she never forgot about me.

Again, I was about to answer when out of no where a seventh year Ravenclaw, Alex Whitman, came over to our table, sat between Jasmine and me and kissed her cheek. She already had another boyfriend.

Jasmine had shooed him off as he was trying to keep her undivided attention - understandable because of who she was, and still is; unacceptable because she belonged with me - to let me finish what I was saying.

I told her nothing and though she didn't believe me; she didn't press the matter, and I was forced to finish breakfast as if nothing was wrong.

During that first week of their breakup, Jasmine had dated five guys, and I could never catch her when she was still single. After ditching a sixth year in Gryffindor, she decided she liked being single. So how could I ask her out then? When she was so happy being on her own? I couldn't. But I still had all of seventh year left, so I could wait for her to be ready.

In a few months, Remus had started dating another Gryffindor in our year, James and Lily were still going strong, Sirius was still the same player he always was, and Jasmine was still single.

By now, I figured that she was getting over the excitement of her newfound freedom so I was going to ask her out, but there was one problem. My streak of Gryffindor courage had run out, every time I tried to ask her, nothing would come out. Then again, how was I suppose to ask out the most incredible person to walk the earth? But there was still over half of seventh year left, so it didn't worry me much.

Next thing I knew, it was our graduation ball. Jasmine came without a date and I was pleased. I went alone too, knowing we would be together that night.

Then the unexpected happened, Remus put his hand on Stephanie's (the girl he had been dating for the past few months) arm to get her attention and she screamed, "Don't touch me, werewolf!"

She did scream rather loud, but not many people heard her over the loud music playing and everybody talking. Remus heard her though. I felt only a short compassion for my friend as he left in shame and hurt, for the minute he was gone, James and Sirius looked ready to kill her - they even pulled out their wands, although I doubt they'd ever go low enough to hit/hex a girl out of anger; for a prank, in self-defense, or if she were a Slytherin, they would, but never out of anger alone, especially because she really didn't do anything to Remus except for hating him because of what he is and saying it loud enough for only us to hear, not the entire school - plus, Jasmine, to whom the 'can't hit a girl' rules didn't apply, marched right up to her before they had a chance to do anything, exclaimed, "You little bitch!" and hit her, hard. We all heard the CRACK as her nose broke and she fell backwards. When Stephanie got back up, her eye had swollen half shut and her nose was gushing blood. But my beloved did not stay to see the damage, she went after Remus.

They were back together the next day, the last day.

After getting home, James, Sirius, Remus, Lily and Jasmine were going to move in together, after all, they were the world's best friends, why wouldn't they? They asked me if I wanted to move in as well, but I declined, I needed to find a way to gather my courage and get the woman who held my heart. I didn't believe for one moment I would be able to do that if I had to live with everyday reminders of her relationship with another, ones that went farther than they ever did at school.

It took me around three, maybe four, no, three, years to find a way. I would become more powerful. James, Sirius, and even Remus were all better looking, smarter, and more powerful wizards than I was; and Jasmine adored them all - or at least appeared to. I couldn't use glamour charms, since I had all but failed in Charms, and I wasn't sure how to make myself smarter, but I did know of a way to get power. I wasn't worried about how much power I would really receive, because I only had to out-do the werewolf - the one she looked at differently - and how hard could that be? So I joined forces with the Dark Lord of our age and he marked me as one of his followers. It hurt, my flesh felt as if it were going to peal off as the Mark was burned into my skin, but that was a small price to pay to hold the woman of my dreams and actually deserve her.

Now, I was a Death Eater; and Death Eaters were power, courage, everything I was not until that moment. I became a spy for the Dark Lord, I began betraying Dumbledore... and my friends. Guilt became a familiar feeling to me, but I'd always manage to squish it down, remembering that the end justified the means.

And I knew Jasmine would be pleased! She herself was spying on Dumbledore for our Dark Lord too. I saw her often when his followers met, but I made sure she never saw me, I wanted prestige before I revealed myself to her, before I made her proud.

A year later, my chance came. Lily and James were married and had a year old son, whom my Master wanted dead. But someone tipped Dumbledore off, and they went into hiding, choosing Sirius as their Secret Keeper.

I convinced Sirius to make me Secret Keeper instead, it would be the perfect bluff, I told him. Sirius agreed and convinced James it was safer that way.

The changes were made and I presented the Potters' whereabouts to our Dark Lord, ready to prove myself to him, and to Jasmine.

But nothing in this world ever goes as planned. The only thing for sure in this world is death, that all life comes to an end.

I realize that now, twelve years later. Everything I had felt for Jasmine was not mutual. She had loved Remus, not me. She spied for Dumbledore, not my Master.

And now, unless by some miracle that James's son believes me over them, I am going to die, die at the hands of the woman I love... and my two former best friends. I can see it in their eyes.



A/N: I know they became Animagus at fifteen, but for this story, I really don't care.




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