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Chapter 1 : Voldie-Ninja
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A/N: I’ve been experimenting with different stories lately…I’ve found that many people like random stories…I hope you like mine—I’m not sure how it will turn out. Please read and review. Thanks!
“WORMTAIL! FETCH ME MY CATALOGUE!”
Lord Voldemort, the most evil wizard in the world, was sitting on his “throne” in the living room inside the Gaunt Mansion. The “throne” was more like an emerald-green armchair with a piece of parchment hanging over it with Spell-o tape and scribbled with the words:
The Most All-Powerful Dark Lord Voldemort
A cowering man with a rat-like face shuffled to do his master’s bidding, rubbing his hands together like he had stolen Voldemort’s new hand lotion.
“And quickly, Wormtail!” he commanded and Wormtail was out of the room in a flash. When he returned and Voldemort tried to take his precious catalogue from his hands, he lingered over them, pondering the unusual smoothness of the man’s hands.
“Wormtail, your hands are unusually smooth…Have you been using my new hand lotion?”
“N-n-no, Your Darkness!”
“I think you’re lying! You know it’s the new apricot lotion! I saw you eyeing it when I got it yesterday!”
“I’m s-sorry, master, but, as you know, my hands have been so chapped lately! I-I had to! How am I supposed to look like a rat if I can’t bear to rub my own hands together? A-and besides, I look more evil this way!”
Voldemort leaned back in his chair and put his fingers together.
“Hmmm…Yes, I suppose you’re right…I can’t have a minion that isn’t evil-looking…” he said to himself.
“Exactly, my lord,” Wormtail said with a grateful sigh.
“Hmm…Next time, if you want some of my lotion, just ask me.”
“Yes, my lord.”
“Okay, now that that’s settled give me my catalogue!”
Voldemort pressed the catalogue up to his chest, as if he was holding his most prized possession.
“Er, master? Have you been watching Lord of the Rings again?”
“Yes, it was on pay-per-view this morning. Why?”
“…Just wondering…That was a pretty good impersonation of Gollum…”
“Oh, well, Halloween is coming up and I figured I should be Gollum this year. I will have the best costume! That’s why I need my catalogue…SEVERUS!”
The door creaked open and a solemn Severus Snape walked in, looking irked.
“Yes, my lord?”
“Bring me the phone. I need to make a call.”
Snape bowed slightly and left the room, only to return moments later with the black, cordless telephone. Voldemort took out his reading glasses, put them up to the open page with the Gollum costume on it, and read the small print of the phone number. He dialed the number and put it up to his ear.
“…Hello? Yes, I want a costume, you pathetic fool! Why else would I be on this Muggle phone?” he shouted into the phone. “I want the Gollum costume on page twenty-four…What do you mean, they’re sold out?! Do you know who this is?! I am Lord Voldemort and I command that you send me this costume! If you do not, I will make your life a living…hello? They hung up! Curses!”
Snape and Wormtail were holding back giggles with difficulty. Voldemort whipped out his wand and yelled “Avada Kedavra!” at the telephone. It blew up in a flash of emerald light.
“Take that, you stupid Muggle contraption! I trust you will know my name from now on.” Voldemort said triumphantly, sitting up straighter. “Wormtail, go to Wal-Mart and get another cordless phone. Make sure it is black: A white one would not go with my Gothic interior designing at all.”
“Yes, my lord,” Wormtail said, and left the room.
“Blast this costume-related holiday! Note to self: kill the man that made it up…Now, for my current dilemma…,” he muttered to himself, putting his head in his hands. “Last year I went as myself…The year before I went as myself…And the year before that I went as myself…Time to do something new, original…”
“My lord, if I may make a suggestion,” Snape said, stepping forward, his black robes floating behind him carelessly. “Why not make your own costume?”
There was a pause. Voldemort contemplated that idea.
“Severus…That’s BRILLIANT!” he exclaimed, standing up and striding off the small “throne platform” towards the black-clad man. “So that’s why I keep you around…”
“Now, what should I be? A witch? Hahaha, just joking…What about Scooby Doo? Man, I love that show…The only bad part is that the monster never kills anyone…”
“My lord, may I ask why you even participate in this Muggle holiday?” Snape asked with a smirk.
“Candy, candy, candy, candy, candy!” sang the Dark Lord, prancing around the man like a complete idiot. Snape stared at him.
“That’s it? Just the candy?” he asked. “That’s the only reason why you put yourself through this torture?”
“Severus, I’m surprised at you! Don’t you know what that Muggle candy does to Muggle children? If they consume enough of it, they become hyper, mindless, and completely sugar-high! With that kind of power, everyone will fear my name!”
“Erm…my lord? Everyone already fears your name…”
“Yes, but they will fear it more by Friday night…”
“Ah, I see,” Snape said shortly.
Suddenly, Wormtail arrived carrying a jet-black cordless phone.
“Perfect. That will be all, Wormtail.” Voldemort dismissed the man with a wave of his long-fingered hand. He levitated the phone over to him and plugged it in.
“There we go. Now I can order pizza tonight. Are you staying for supper, Severus?”
“If you wish, my lord.”
“It’s settled then. Tonight, we shall hold a dinner meeting to discuss my costume dilemma. Hopefully someone will have an idea.”
Dinner that night was a pleasant affair. Bellatrix, Rudolphus, Snape, Wormtail, Antonin, and Voldemort sat at the long, black table; they were eating their pizza contentedly.
“Are my Death Eaters having a good time?” Voldemort asked softly. There was a loud cheer from the end of the table where the cherry Kool-Aid was being given out for everyone.
“Good. Now, my minions, I have a dilemma that I need you all to help me with,” the Dark Lord started. Most of the followers were paying attention, now. “I need to know what to be for Halloween. Does anyone have any suggestions?”
They all looked at each other stupidly.
“What about…Gollum? You said you love Lord of the Rings…,” Rudolphus asked.
“I already tried to order the costume, but they’re sold out. Any other suggestions?”
“What about…a ninja?” Antonin suggested.
“Yes. They’re supposed to be evil…”
“And they wear all black and—”
“Brilliant!” Voldemort suddenly exclaimed, standing up and knocking the table over: All of the Death Eaters fell to the floor in surprise. “I wear black! I love black! Black is my power color, plus it accents my skin, giving me a creamy complexion…That’s the best idea I’ve ever heard from you, Antonin! You’re getting promoted!”
“Promoted to what?”
“Vice Death Eater, of course!”
Antonin cheered and skipped around the table.
“That’s settled, then. I will be a ninja. But for now, I need to read up on ninjas so I am cleverly informed. WORMTAIL! GET MY LAPTOP!”
The black laptop computer was placed into the Dark Lord’s waiting hands and opened to the Internet.
“Curse this dial-up connection! Wormtail, remind me to switch to Adelphia.”
“Yes, my lord.”
“Hmm…so many different sites to choose from…How about Ask a Ninja dot com…”
Three hours later, Voldemort laid on the floor laughing his head off from the funniness of the different Ask a Ninja videos.
“Foolish—hahaha!—Muggle—heeheehee!—American! Hohoho!” he chuckled, wiping a tear of mirth off his face and holding his aching side. He sat up and closed the computer. “Okay, I’m done for now. I think I’ve been educated enough. Now it’s time to make my costume.”
Voldemort stood up and went to the living room where all of the Death Eaters were sitting on the floor playing Go Fish.
“Got any threes?”
“My minions! I have joyful news! I have been educated as a ninja and am qualified to become one for Halloween!”
“Who wants to help me with my costume?”
“Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me!” Rudolphus shouted, raising his hand like a five-year-old in school.
“All right, Rudolphus. You will be in charge of going to Joanne Fabrics to get my black material and black thread.”
Rudolphus hastened to do his bidding.
“Bella, since you’re the only woman here, you get to sew it together…”
“Hey!” she cried, standing up in a sudden anger.
“What?” Voldemort asked, surprised.
“What did we talk about?” she asked.
The Dark Lord sighed, impatiently.
“Don’t be a sexist…”
“Fine! I’ll just do the sewing myself!”
When Rudolphus returned with the black material and black thread, Voldemort took them in his hands and left the room.
Two hours later, he came back, wearing his newly-sewn “ninja suit”.
“So, how do I look?” he asked, twirling around so that all could see his costume.
It was Halloween at last and Voldemort stood outside his hovel. He was wearing his ninja costume and holding a large, burlap sack that was for the candy.
“I’m ready! I’m ready to conquer all with my candy power! I’m going to the first house! Good-bye my faithful minions!”
“Good-bye, my lord!” they sang in unison.
Voldemort went to the first house in Little Hangleton: a brick house with an old lady sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch. She was holding her salad bowl of candy, waiting for a costumed youngster to ask her for some. That youngster was Lord Voldemort.
“Trick or treat,” he said gently, holding out his sack.
The old lady peered at him through her large, round spectacles.
“Aren’t you a little old to be trick-or-treating?”
“Of course not, you simpleton! Now give me my candy!”
“Hey, don’t you use that tone of voice with me! I was a wrestler when I was your age!”
“Oh no! A wrestler! Someone help me!” Voldemort pretended to be frightened, putting his hands on his face in mock-fear. “Someone save me! Oh no!”
“That’s it!” the old lady jumped out of her rocking chair and dove on top of the Dark Lord.
“I’ll teach you to make fun of wrestlers!”
“No wait! I-I didn’t mean it! Ow! That hurts! Ouch! I’m sorry! Owie! Stop it! Ouch! Quit it!”
Then, Voldemort was halfway down the block, rubbing the bruises that now occupied his stomach and head.
“Stupid old lady…Ow!” he said, sniffling. “She didn’t even give me my candy…”
He walked down the street and was surprised when a police car pulled up beside him.
“What are you supposed to be?” the police officer asked.
“I’m a ninja.”
“You don’t look like a ninja. You look more like one of those Black Riders from Lord of the Rings.”
“Well, I’m not, I’m a ninja. Now begone! I’ve got many houses to go to yet!”
“Sir, do you know what time it is?”
“Of course I know what time it is, you fool of a Muggle! It’s ten o’clock!”
“That’s right. It’s ten o’clock at night. The curfew ended an hour ago. Halloween’s over, bud.”
Voldemort’s jaw dropped, but the black mask he had over his face covered it.
“Bu-but that can’t be! I still have to get my candy! I can not become ruler of this world without it!”
“I suggest you go back home and get some rest.”
“You cannot tell me what to do, Muggle! I will get my candy and you cannot stop me!”
“Uh-huh…I think I should take you down to the station…,” the cop said, stepping out of the car and taking out his handcuffs.
“No! You can’t do that! I am Lord Voldemort! Everyone fears my name—”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get in the car!”
But before he did, Voldemort Apparated back to the Gaunt Mansion.
“I—can’t—believe—it!” he yelled at his Death Eaters, who jumped up in surprise, not expecting their master to be back so early.
“How went the Halloween adventure, my lord?” Snape asked casually.
“I see you didn’t fare as well as one would hope,” Snape said, peeking into the discarded sack, still sounding irritatingly calm.
“There’s a CURFEW! Since when has there been a curfew?!”
“Well, for a few years, I should say…”
“And why didn’t anyone tell me about it?”
“Because, we got you a present.”
All sign of an angry warlord vanished from Voldemort as he jumped over to Snape, excitement evident in his eyes.
“What is it? Gimme, gimme, gimme!”
“Follow us, Your Darkness.”
Voldemort followed his minions into a supposedly empty room. Once the light was flicked on, the Dark Lord started hopping up and down with a mixture of joy and excitement. All over the floor in heaps and bags and boxes, was candy: Snickers bars, Reese’s cups, Hershey chocolate, Mars Bars, all different kinds of candy from all over the world.
“Oh, my wonderfully faithful Death Eaters! Thank you so much! You will all be rewarded greatly once I become evil overlord of the world!”
“This is all yours…if…” Snape started.
“If you take off that ridiculous ninja costume.”
“All right! I do look like a Black Rider…I say we all play Candy Land in honor of Halloween!”
And Lord Voldemort and his minions lived happily ever after as rulers of the candy world.
A/N: How was that? askaninja.com is a real place on the Internet and it is what inspired me to write this fic. Please read and review! Thank you!
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