Chapter 1 : Parody/Really Lame One-Shot Number One
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Author's Note: So. . .hey. This is story that'll have just a collection of one-shot parodies or just really stupid and awful one-shots about Lily and James. And, by the way, Lily/James is probably one of my most favorite ships so I am not making fun of them or anything else in the Harry Potter series (which I love! Go Harry Potter!). I am also not making fun of any authors or their way of writing James/Lily stories. Please don't be offended.
WARNING: A SERIES OF STUPID, LAME, CLICHE, EXAGGERATED, AND OVER-FLUFFY-MAKE'S-YOU-JUST-ABOUT-PUKE ONESHOT'S ARE AHEAD OF YOU. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. PLEASE READ THIS LIST OF PRECAUTIONS YOU SHOULD TAKE BEFORE READING:
1) MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A LIFE JACKET HANDY IN CASE YOU START TO DROWN IN THE OVERFLOWING AMOUNT OF FLUFFINESS.
2) PLEASE GET A BOX OF KLEENEX IN CASE YOU START TO CRY FROM THE RATHER LARGE AMOUNT OF OC'S AND OVERLY LONG DESCRIPTIONS OF THE CHARACTERS.
3) EAR PLUG'S ARE A MUST! YOU WILL GO DEAF WITHOUT THEM FROM THE AMOUNT OF SHOUTING LILY DOES (USUALLY AT JAMES).
4) GARLIC TO WARD OFF ALL THE EVIL, JEALOUS GIRLFRIENDS/FAN GIRLS/STALKERS/PROFESSORS/MOLDYMORT- EXCUSE ME, VOLDERMORT/ANYTHING ELSE THAT IS EVIL AND (OR) CLICHED.
5) AND FINALLY, PLEASE HAVE A ROPE TO HANG YOURSELF JUST IN CASE THE STORY/IES GET TOO HORRIDLY CLICHED, LAME, AWFUL, HORRID, OVERFLUFFY, OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT CAN CAUSE DEPRESSION, HEART FAILURE, OR SUICIDE ATTEMPTS.
6)A GAS MASK TO COVER YOUR NOSE FROM THE DEADLY CHEESY-MOMENTS GAS THAT FLOATS AROUND. IT IS VERY, VERY DEADLY.
ANY SUICIDE ATTEMPTS, HEART FAILURE, HEADACHES, SCARS FOR LIFE, SIGNS OF DEPRESSION, DROWNING IN FLUFF, OR ANY OTHER HARM TO READERS IS NOT THE WEIRD AUTHOR'S FAULT.
MORE PRECAUTIONS MAY BE ADDED AS MORE ONE-SHOT'S COME ALONG. PLEASE CHECK BACK EVERY ONCE AND A WHILE FOR YOUR SAFETY.
Now, after reading safety precautions, please sit back with your life jacket, kleenex, ear plugs, garlic, and rope, and read some parodies. Enjoy yourselves. . .if you can.
Parody/Really Lame One-Shot Number One
It was 10:30 (AM) at King Cross Station and an eleven year old Lily Evans was walking with her parents and her sister.
Lily was a far more beautiful eleven year old girl should be with long, auburn hair that shined so magnificently in the sun. It was like red rubies cascading down her back. And it was really pretty. It smelled like ripe mango's and watermelon because that was her shampoo.
Blah, blah, blah. Add two more paragraphs about Lily's beautiful and magnificent hair.
Lily also had beautiful emerald colored eyes that sparkled when she was happy and flashed when she was angry. Boys would often get lost in Lily's beautiful pool's of emeralds. Her eyes were like her soul. Her soul.
Blah, blah, blah. Add three more paragraphs about Lily's beautiful and magnificent eyes.
Lily's skin was beautiful also. It was clear and soft and pale. Boys' were often drawn to Lily because of her magnificent skin too. It was as soft as a baby's bottom.
Blah, blah, blah. Add five more paragraphs about Lily's flawless and beautiful and magnificent skin (no acne or pimples or anything like that, whatsoever! Amazing!).
Lily also had beautiful ears. They were just magnificient. So. . .wonderful!
Blah, blah, blah. Ten more paragraphs about Lily's beautiful ears.
Lily was also very stylish too. Today she was sporting a super, duper, super, super, super, miniature, hot pink miniskirt and a very low cut, yellow, sleeveless shirt, even though it was September and only about fourty degree's outside. But, whatever floats her boat because she's beautiful and boys just flock all over the world to see her.
Blah, blah, blah. Add another ten paragraph's about Lily's beautiful and magnificent clothes of the day.
Lily's older sister Petunia was nothing like Lily. She was ugly and horse-faced and was mean. She and Lily had always been the best of friends, but when Lily found out she was a witch- yes, it was a huge shock to her and her family- Petunia all of a sudden hated her and was always screaming at her for even no reason at all. Lily was sad.
When Petunia first started hating Lily and first found out she was a witch
"Hey, Lily, what's that letter you got with that strange owl, say?" Petunia asked, smiling.
"It says I'm a witch." Lily replied.
Petunia slapped Lily, "I HATE YOU, YOU FREAK. GET AWAY FROM ME!"
"Petunia, I thought we were friends!"
"NO, BECAUSE YOU'RE WEIRD AND I HATE YOU!"
"But, Petunia, I love you! You're my sister!"
"I HATE YOU! YOU'RE A WITCH AND I HATE YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE WEIRD AND I WISH YOU WOULD DIE!"
"Petunia, you just said earlier that we would alway be the best of friends and that we would never let anything get between us."
"YOU'RE STUPID AND I HATE YOU! I'M GOING TO GO FIND VERNON AND SNOG HIS FACE OFF BECAUSE I HATE YOU AND I HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND YOU DON'T BECAUSE YOU'RE UGLY!"
End of when Petunia started hating Lily and found out Lily was a witch.
Blah, blah, blah. Another six paragraphs about Petunia hating Lily and another five paragraphs about Lily being so sad.
Next to Petunia was Lily's parents. Her mother's name was Rose (of course) because she liked flowers and that's why she named her daughters after flowers too. She was beautiful and that's where Lily got her looks from, Petunia just wasn't very lucky in the genetic process and ended up really ugly.
Blah, blah, blah. Toss in a few paragraphs saying how Lily had her mother's eyes or her hair, whichever.
Then there was Lily's father. His name was something weird or cliched. Lily's father was also very handsome so that's also why Lily's so beautiful and boys' are proposing to her for marriage, even though she's only eleven and just starting out in puberty, but whatever. Both her parents are handsome and beautiful so Lily's special.
Blah, blah, blah. Toss in a few more paragraphs about how Lily has his eyes or his hair, depending on whether Lily had her mother's eyes or hair.
Lily and her family were standing in the middle of platform's nine and ten in confusion.
"Where's the platform?" Lily asked.
"I HATE YOU, YOU FREAK!" Petunia screamed out randomly, but nobody else on the platform noticed Petunia's screaming apparently, except Lily, who promptly burst into tears.
Rose laughed cheerfully and delicately,"Oh, get along, girls!"
Lily all of a sudden stopped sobbing and saw some people who looked like magical people because they had owls or had the Hogwarts crest on their trunks or something like that.
Lily quickly walked over and tapped a boy about her age, on the shoulder.
This boy was very tall for his age at about seven feet, six inches. How a eleven year old could be seven feet, six inches no one knows. But, whatever. This boy was so attractive. He had the most handsome pools of hazel liquid (his eyes). Girls all the time could just fall in them and lose themselves in them forever and ever and ever and ever. And ever. Really!
Blah, blah, blah. Add a few more paragraphs about the abnormally tall, yet drop dead gorgeous, eleven year old boys eyes.
The boy also had black, round glasses that glittered like diamonds in the sun. How glasses can glitter like diamonds in the sun, no one knows. It just makes the boy sound more attractive, even though he doesn't need to sound more attractive because he is totally and completely a sex god and playa! Even though he's only eleven years old. But, whatever.
Blah, blah, blah. Add twenty more paragraphs about him being totally and completely a sex god and playa and about his black, round (very expensive, no doubt) glasses glittering in the sun.
And what attractive eyebrows this boy had! They were just right. Girls would just flock to his feet and kiss the ground he walks on because his eyebrows are just so gorgeous! Girls were always asking if they could just gobble up his eyebrows all the time!
Blah, blah, blah. Add one more paragraph about the boys absolutely gorgeous eyebrows.
Oh, and his hair hasn't even been mentioned yet! That lush, jet black, beautiful, handsome, extremely se-xy, attractive, gorgeous, perfect, messy hair of his. Girls could only dream of running their hands through his hair. And, Merlin, did they have good dreams.
Blah, blah, blah. Add five hundred more paragraphs about his hair because it's so utterly lush, jet black, beautiful, handsome, extremely se-xy, attractive, gorgeous, perfect, and messy.
And last, but definitely not least, was his muscles. They were so defined and great! They were terrific! They were like solid rock. Girls could only wish they could run their hands over his abs. Oh, yeah. They were that toned. Even though, you know, he's only eleven years old, but, he can be a bluff bloke at eleven if he wants to be.
Blah, blah, blah. Ten more paragraphs about the boys wonderful rock hard abs and toned muscles.
Yes, this boy- this man- this eleven year old man- was just drop dead gorgeous! So many girls had just fallen down dead at the sight of him because he's just that attractive. Even the female healer who delivered him when he was born just dropped dead on the spot. Like that!
When the boys healer just dropped dead at the sight of him when he was born
"Push!" Said the healer.
"Argh!" Said the boys mother
"I am pushing, dammit!"
Finally, the boy emerge and the healer took one look at him and said with a huge, stupid grin on her face,"OH MY GOD! YOU'RE BABY IS DROP DEAD GORGEOUS! I'M GOING TO DROP DEAD NOW!"
And she did.
End of when the boys healer just dropped dead at the sight of him when he was born
Anyways, Lily just thought this boy was just totally and utterly gorgeous. She blushed furiously.
"WOW! You're gorgeous!" She exclaimed.
The boy smirked an I-Know-I'm-Drop-Dead-Gorgeous at Lily. Lily didn't seem to notice. She was too busy staring at him stupidly- because he was drop dead gorgeous and all. "Hey. I'm James Potter."
WOW! What a coincedience that Lily would meet James Potter between platforms nine and ten. Even though there's about a few hundred students going there today to board the Hogwarts express, she just happened to meet him of all people! How ironic!
"I was wondering if you," Lily started,"knew how to get onto platform nine and three quarters- WOW! YOU'RE STILL SUPER, DUPER GORGEOUS!"
"Okay, I'll show you, but you have to go out with me in exchange." James said arrogantly. Even though he had just met Lily and really didn't know anything about her, James just decided to ask her anyways.
Lily found James Potter disgusting that second,"I HATE YOU, JAMES POTTER! YOU'RE AN ARROGANT PRAT AND I HATE YOU! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!"
"But, I love you, whatever-your-name-is!" James shouted as Lily continued screaming her hatred at him, no passer-byers or anyone noticing the extremely loud yelling and screaming.
James, of course, loved Lily, even though he'd spoken less than fifty words to her and had only just met her. But, that doesn't matter because he's James Potter and she's Lily Evans.
"I HATE YOU SO MUCH! LEAVE ME ALONE FOREVER, POTTER! I HATE YOU! YOU'RE SO SHALLOW!"
"I love you!"
"I HATE YOU!"
"I love you, let's go snog!"
"I HATE YOU AND- sure. Okay. Let's go snog. Even though we're just eleven and really not even suppose to be this hormonal yet and we just met and even though I just said I hated you, but, whatever!" Lily said.
James took Lily's hand and they skipped happily into the sunset and out of the train station (even though they were suppose to get onto the Hogwarts express and even though it was morning and the sun shouldn't be setting yet), so they could go snog passionately after less than five minutes of their first meeting.
Author's Note: Hmmm. Random enough? Funny enough? Parody-ish enough? Exaggerated enough? Sucked enough? I don't know when I'll add another one-shot, just whenever I have the time, patience, or feel like it, I suppose. Hope you liked it. . .or hope you thought it was the crappiest one-shot you've ever read, because if you did, great! I achieved one of my many goals! LOL!
Just Another Harry Potter Fan