Chapter 1 : Secrets
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Tell me, what do you think of when you hear that name?
Hate? Anger? Snob? Proud?
But ask yourself, have you ever wondered how I became what is of me today?
My father, you ask?
Did he ever command me to follow his footsteps?
Did he ever tell me to be a Death Eater?
No. I was one on my own wish. Why, my father never set a goal higher than me graduating Hogwarts with splendid results. No, it was not my father.
It was Lily Evans.
That girl saved my life once. She saved me… then she destroyed me.
I thought I had found a friend. Someone who would judge me without regarding the name I held. Someone who would care for me. Someone who would stay with me. Someone whom I could learn to love.
It began that day in sixth year…
“Potter! Stop following me!”
“I wasn’t following you Evans! I was merely staring at your luggage.”
”You stay away from me! Stop being so irritating!”
I turned to look at them, my nose wrinkled in disgust. It was that mudblood with the idiot Quidditch hero again. Evans was yelling at the goddamned boy when I appeared behind her.
“Potter, being a Quidditch Star doesn’t give you permission to stalk girls you know.” Somehow, I found myself speaking up for the mudblood’s defence rather than jeering at them both. I saw Lily’s eyebrows arch as she heard me speaking up for her.
“Malfoy, get lost you prat. We don’t need you he-”
“No Potter, we don’t need you here. Why don’t you get lost?” Lily shot back instantly. This time my eyebrows shot up. The mudblood? Defending me?
Potter was staring disbelievingly at Evans and myself. Then shook his head slowly and glanced up at me. My eyes dared him to make a move in front of Miss Little Lily Evans but he bit his lip, turned and stormed off.
“Hey, thanks Lucius.”
Did she just call me by my first name?
“Yeah, well, don’t get any ideas. I hate that Quidditch hero, that’s all.”
She chuckled a little.
“You boys and your rivals… it’s too hilarious at times…”
“At least we don’t scratch each other like what girls do…”
“Hey! At least it’s better than a black eye! We don’t do such… such uncivilized things! We, women, are proud to be civilized and proper, thank you very much!”
I raised an eyebrow.
“Biased aren’t we?”
Chin tilted high, she loudly protested, pulling the snobbiest look on her face
From then on, Lily Evans was my friend.
During the train ride, she had come down to my compartment when the other Slytherins were not there. I knew she didn’t like me romantic-wise and neither did I.
Well, not yet anyway.
During dinner, we were maintaining eye contact and challenging the other to break it first. Out of the corner of my eye, I had seen Narcissa approach me. I saw lily smirk –she knew she was going to win.
Narcissa scooted over to seat next to me while I shot a look, which clearly said, “HELP!” to Lily and her grin broadened.
“Hi Lucius… How were the summer holidays? I had a great time, although it would have been much more fun if you had been able to come round to the Black Manor and… hey, what are you looking at?”
I had no choice. It was either my reputation or my winning in that game. Narcissa was already craning her neck, trying to see the holder of my attention.
Quickly breaking the eye contact, I turned to Narcissa and forced her to sit still. I could see Lily wallowing in self-pride in having won the game. I laughed inwardly, though, when I saw her friends shooting her worried looks when they saw that she had a look of utter pride etched in big, capital letters on her face.
As the rest of the year flowed by, we were never seen as “friends” in the public eye. We were merely classmates. We only talked to each other when we had the chance, say, in Potions. I was assigned to work with her so we would talk under our breaths when the Potions Master, Professor Greenlet, wasn’t looking or when we just happened to meet at the corridors. Of course we’d only exchange a word or two.
It was an unspoken rule.
We weren’t supposed to be ‘friends’ in the public eye.
Still, we were quite close, the game of eye contact getting more and more intense as the year progressed. Sometimes she’d win and sometimes I’d win. Either way, we’d end up laughing at the evitable look of pride on the other’s face.
I finally noticed when the summer holidays were about to begin again.
James sitting next to Lily and her friends. At first, I didn’t care because Lily seemed to be ignoring the idiotic Quidditch hero. But slowly, as the holidays drew nearer, she began laughing, talking and chattering with the lousy bunch of self-proclaimed Marauders.
Our game had stopped and our friendship seemed to be on hold. She was starting to treat me in the way she’d treat a normal Slytherin –nod and walk off.
Of course most Slytherins would roll their eyes at her curt politeness but me? I was shocked at first.
I thought we were friends.
I spent the most of my holidays getting drunk. Empty bottles of firewhisky were strewn all over my room. I hadn’t had a proper bath in days and my breath smelled.
At last, I couldn’t stand it.
Getting the house elves to clean up the room (I had ordered them to leave me alone, so they’d obviously stopped cleaning my room) I grabbed a spare robe, which was still clean and did not have the smell of firewhisky, I dunked myself into the swimming pool-sized bathtub and tried to forget all about Lily Evans.
Why was she ignoring me?
Why was she so distant?
The pale blue bubbles and light fragrance of flowers did nothing to calm my nerves. In fact, I felt much more frustrated than ever, with my head cleared up.
No, this is insane. I am going to go up to Lily and ask her what was going on, why had she stopped talking to me, before this madness gets into my head and I get confined in a mental hospital.
There were still a few more days left before Seventh Year started when someone popped over for a surprise visit
The doorbell rang and I heard the house elves opening the door. There was a quiet murmur but I could tell it was feminine. Perking up, I hurried to the front door where the house elves stood,
only to find Bellatrix Lestrange.
She had donned a black robe and the cape was covering her eyes. I could only tell through the single strand of dark black hair and low yet soft voice that it was she. Eyes kept low, she invited my to join the ranks of him.
Of the Lord.
Back then, I wasn’t a ‘dark’ kind of boy. I was in Slytherin only because of my pride and ambition. My father indeed was a Death Eater but as far as I knew, he liked neither torturing nor killing. He simply joint because of his ‘friends’.
When Father came home every night, he’d look at the hands that held the wand he used to torture, to kill then he’d bow his head and exit the room.
I had sworn never to join him.
Seeing my Father torture himself was enough.
I cast my eyes on Bellatrix. I could feel the dark energy surround her.
The dark energy which had engulfed her soul.
I refused her invitation. Bella was surprised. I was one of the meanest ‘big boys’ in Hogwarts and my Father was one. Why wouldn’t I join?
I told her I didn’t feel like committing myself to anything –anyone- right now.
She bowed her head and told me to sleep on the invite.
I smirked and said I will. I knew that if I did not at least promise her this, she’d not leave me in peace. At last, she raised her head and stared at me. I could see her smoky dark blue eyes searching my own, trying to find the real answer in my refusal. I only pulled the most uninterested look on my face and coldly told her to leave. She dipped her head once more, turned and disappeared around the corner.
If being a Death Eater meant my freedom, I’d rather not be one.
I was seeing less and less of Lily in Seventh Year. During breakfast, lunch or dinner, she’d be too involved in talking to her friends and to the idiotic big heads.
I’d watch her while she laughed and smiled, smiled and laughed, whilst wishing I could smile with her. Everyday, we’d grow more and more distant, this time not even bothering to greet the other. Everyday, I never did anything to fill this gap and yet everyday, I still wished I was with her.
It was then that I finally, finally realized I fancied Lily.
Her and her eyes.
Her and her smile.
She just turns me on and I gave in to it.
I would lurk around the corner trying to catch a glimpse of her only to see her with her friends or worse- the big heads. She would only acknowledge me when I had been staring intently at her and she’d respond to that stare was a mere smile before turning her head and continuing to talk to her friends.
Her friends that didn’t include me.
I’d go back to my dorm at the end of the day, wishing and wishing that this gap, this chasm would just blow over and we’d be friends again.
All I knew was that if we were still separated by this gap, I’d jump in and die.
Hogsmeade. Another Hogsmeade weekend. Too bad I was not going to that one. I was just not in the mood.
I had gone to the library where I could see all the witches and wizards pouring out of Hogwarts and into Hogsmeade. My elbow was propped up on the frosted windowsill and my hand supported my chin. I could see little dots of black, brown, red or blond twirling around in the snow.
I sighed and closed my eyes but almost instantly opened them again.
Lily Evans was amongst the people who were prancing about in the snow.
Peering out of the window, I saw her smiling face, tinged pink from the cold. Her ember eyes were sparkling and her nose was red yet she kept running, jumping and twirling about.
I felt myself leave my seat and fly down to the Slytherin dungeons. Grabbing my winter coat, dragon hide gloves and boots, I practically flew down to the Entrance hall where the caretaker was, threw my permission slip at his angry face and ran down to the snowy patch where I’d last seen Lily.
I had already begun to feel the bitter coolness. Luckily my blond hair, with its tips brushing my collar, was providing some warmth to my neck. My ears, however, were about to be frostbitten.
After minutes of searching to no avail, I rested on a pine tree; panting heavily and watching the puffs of air coming out of my mouth with each exhale.
Just then, I heard a gleeful yell from behind the pine tree. It sounded exactly like Lily.
Whipping my head round, I saw the redhead clutching her stomach, laughing. Her smile alone started fireworks in me. Quickly brushing back the strands of white blond hair, which had fallen in front of my eyes, I silently walked up towards her.
Suddenly, I heard a man’s voice joining in her laughter, deep and smooth.
James Potter came strolling out from behind a tree, his hand armed with snowballs. His hair had wisps of snow caught in the mess of black and bits of it clung onto his clothes.
His smile stretched from one ear to the other as he threw a snowball at Lily’s shoulder. She fell back on the snow, still laughing, still smiling, still happy.
I couldn’t even begin to comprehend what was going on in front of my eyes.
Lily with Potter.
Lily enjoying herself with Potter.
And then Quidditch hero was trying to help her up but she grabbed a handful of snow and shoved it into Potter’s face. She gave another gleeful yelp and took off laughing just as Potter wiped off his glasses, scooped up a lump of snow and ran after her yelling, “I’ll get you Lily!!”
He had caught up to her just as I turned around and headed back into the castle, wordless and expressionless.
Still, I could remember that single drop of tear running down my cheek from one of my cold, empty eyes.
The next day didn’t prove any better. She was still greeting me with a single word, a nod and nothing else.
“Look Lily, we really have to talk.”
“No, not now, sorry. I’m really busy. I have Transfiguration in like… five minutes! Oh my gosh! There’s not enough time! I have to go!”
“Lily!” I yelled after her retreating back, “Meet me in the Entrance Hall before dinner!”
“Okay! I really have to go now. Bye!” With that, she disappeared around the corner and I was left to attend History of Magic where I knew I’d spend the whole of it thinking about a certain redhead.
I was sauntering about the Entrance Hall. It was ten minutes to seven. The other students were most probably at their dorms, washing up, getting ready for dinner…
Well, actually I think that’s what the girls did. The guys would play chess. Or Gobstones. Whichever came first.
A minute later, I saw Lily jogging up, her hair in a messy ponytail and her books were all in her arms. I had felt bad for calling her down when she should have been resting but I pushed the thought aside when she finally reached me, panting and breathing heavily.
Her cheeks were flushed and she was perspiring a little but I didn’t care. The first words I said to her were, “You’re going out with Potter?”
She flinched at my bluntness but again I didn’t care. I just want her to tell me that no, she wasn’t. That I was just being ridiculous. That work was getting to my head.
But she said neither.
She stared at me then asked, “And if I am?”
Those words alone confirmed my worst fears. If Lily wasn’t really going out with that prat, she’d have said ‘Never’. I might as well just leave her alone. We were never going to see each other after graduation anyway.
“No, it’s nothing… Lily, I thought you didn’t like him?”
Okay, the last part wasn’t supposed to come out but what the hey. Plus I really am curious. It was only a year ago I had stood up for her and she for me and now? I needed her to say something –anything- to calm my nerves. She can’t just… just like Potter! She can’t! She isn’t supposed fall for his idiotic smile and stupid charm! She can’t! She mustn’t! What- What about me?
She heaved a sigh.
“Look, I know you still don’t like him but, he’s changed. He’s changed for me. I hated him for his childish behavior and nonsensical talk but he’s changed. He’s really, genuinely, honestly changed… And well, he’s really fun. He’s not bad really. He’d take me out on crazy broomstick rides then play with me. Sometimes he’d come up with all those ridiculous nicknames for me… You know, Lucius, I like him a lot.”
The last four words destroyed me completely.
There she was, the object of my desire, smiling in happiness because of James Potter. The scene of snowballs and laughter was also with James Potter.
Not Lucius Malfoy.
I felt all wrong.
Why was I attracted to her?
She did nothing to me, for me.
Why had I fallen for her just like that?
Lily was still droning on about her life these few days. On normal days, I’d happily listen to her; our chasm finally closing but now, I didn’t want it to close. I wanted us to be distant.
As distant as possible.
I grabbed my bag and ran to the dungeons, her puzzled voice calling out my name but I didn’t stop.
I didn’t want to stop.
I sprinted all the way to the dungeons and hide in my chambers till the sun had set.
My roommates were filling into the room, talking about dinner, girls, homework… and the sudden noise disrupted me greatly. I wanted to go somewhere where I could think in peace. Where I could escape from reality and drown myself in fantasy.
I was just about to leave the dungeons when a figure appeared in front of me.
Bellatrix was staring at me with those dark blue eyes again.
Irritated, I tried to walk past her but she stopped me.
“I’ve asked you before and I’ll ask you again. Do you want to join the Lord?”
She was rather blunt but these words stopped me.
Turning around, I faced the girl clad in dark robes.
“You know what I think…?”
“…to remain eternally loyal to the Dark Lord.” I replied dutifully.
The Dark Lord smiled evilly.
“Very good Lucius. I’ve been testing you. You are indeed worthy. Worthy of bearing the mark of I on your skin…”
Saying so, he drew a glinting dagger on from his robes and I held out my arm.
It had been two weeks since I made my decision. Being with the Lord was the better answer. I’d free myself from grief and pain and most importantly, Lily Evans.
“Remember what you said, Lucius. Eternally loyal. One word, just one slip of the tongue and,” he dug the blade of the dagger into my forearm, “there’d be no more Lucius Malfoy.”
He began tracing the shape of a skull and a snake on my arm, dragging the blade deeper and deeper into my flesh. I bit down on my lip to stop myself from screaming.
Every turn, every twist was for Lily.
Tears threatened to fall but I held on.
The pain, the suffering, it was all for Lily.
No, she wouldn’t be happy when she saw the Mark on my arm but she’d be free from me. She’d not have anything to do with a scum like me.
My thoughts were printed determinedly in my mind’s eye.
I would not cry.
No, I wouldn’t.
Because it’s all for Lily.
“Hey Lily? Have I told you how pretty you are today?”
“I believe so, Mr Potter, but I wouldn’t mind you saying it again.”
“And if I say it, will you give me a kiss?”
“Hey James? Have I told you how desperate you seem today?”
I watched the pair with a disgusted look on my face. Trust those two to be so mushy on graduation day. There’re ruining the whole day for the other people. I turned and left the Great Hall to stroll about the grounds.
It was only a while’s time before footsteps behind me caught my attention.
I blinked. Isn’t that Lily’s voice?
Spinning around, I saw the redhead looking at me with saddened eyes.
I could see her hesitating at first but then, “Some people say you’re a Death Eater… is that… Is that true?”
The words filled my head again.
It’s all for Lily…
I felt anger rise in me as I glared down at her and spat, “Yeah, mudblood, I am one. So what are you gonna do about it?”
Her eyes widen and I could see the tears swimming in her emerald eyes.
But I couldn’t stop taunting her.
It’s all for Lily…
It’s all for Lily…
It’s all for Lily…
“I said I am one, dammit! You idiotic mudbloods should just go home and never be seen again! Go happily prancing like an idiot, laughing your head off and doing worthless and stupid stuff! You mudbloods are NOTHING! You’re worthless! You’re not even supposed to be talking to me! I’m of higher status than you, I’m better! Much better! You, You don’t even deserve to live! Nobody needs you! So just die and leave this world at peace!!”
Then I left her.
I left her crying on the school grounds, tears leaking and sobs emitting from her mouth. I left her at her vulnerable state, crying her heart out over a lost friend…
Little did she know that I was crying too. Crying over a broken heart, its pieces which can never be mended again.
Just one blink
A vanished friend
No one else
To lend a hand
Just one blink
My romance ends
With no friends
Just one blink
My sprit dies
Though trapped and hurt
I could not cry
Just one blink
The hope was lost
My secrets too
In the cold and frost.
Fin~ Secrets has now ended, please dispose of all popcorn and soda containers in the nearby dustbins. Please review and I apologize for the crappy poem! It was written by me, so, yeah…
PS :: the review box calls~