Chapter 6 : Potzer Lovegood and the Flying Catholics
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Make no mistake. Harry didn't expect for life to be different after becoming
a so-called author. He expected for people to pay more attention to him, yes,
but he didn't expect really giving a crap about his books so much. A lot of this came up the day of Harry's book signing. Harry would go to the Three
Broomsticks to have a drink with Potzer. Harry wanted to hear Potzer's opinion.
"Well..." Potzer said, closing his copy of "Perry Hapablap and the Philosopher's
"What did you think?" Harry asked him.
"Well.... I'm sorry to say that your description is a little shoddy. If you
don't feel like explaining everything don't, but try to at least say some little
thing after your quotations.(oh my gosh! Dejavu!) A little choppy, could use more blending/fillers.
This story wasnt well written at all, but if it had been, it would have been
even better." Harry eye-balled Potzer for about 20 seconds. Potzer himself acted completely casual about the whole thing.
"I thought it was the biggest load of shit I've ever read. I'm utterly
unconvinced that even an iota of what you describe in this fucking piss poor
excuse for a novel actually happened in the real world." Potzer finished. Most people would feel relieved to get it off their chest, but not Potzer. He really was surprised when Harry gave him this reaction.
"...Well fuck you! I mean what do you know about writing?" Harry asked Potzer, who was scrathing his chin at the challenge.
"I wrote a book." Potzer replied.
"What was it called?"
Potzer looked off into the distance at an old man with a lazy eye who scowled and yelled something that is not legible on paper/webpage.
"Well it all started 6 years ago in prague..." Potzer reminisced.
Early morn, circa 2000, Potzer Lovegood was walking down the streets in
Prague. At this point in his life he was an aspiring writer. Around this time he
had a beard, so just.. Picture him with a beard for the purposes of this little
story. In the middle of the street he stopped, and fixed his "Vote Gore" T
Shirt, which was completely dense considering the shirt would only make
sense in America where Al Gore was running for president.
"Ok... So.." Potzer pulled out a book entitled "How to write from Nothing". He
looked over the pages and scratched his totally bitchin' Chuck Norris beard.
"All right, it says here... 'Most of the Best Ideas in life fall out of the sky
like Catholics.'...... 'If that doesn't make sense, go walk down the streets in
Prague’…. Well here I am,” he finished. Now, of course, he wasn’t supposed to
take that seriously, but…. Eh whatever.
“…. Eh whatever..” Potzer said giving up. It wasn’t long before Potzer’s
question was answered. Soon, a man wearing a rosary came flying out of a window landing on his face in a completely and unnecessarily violent manner...
“Holy shit!” Potzer exclaimed when he saw the man.
".... So that's how I came up with my idea." Potzer explained.
"So, he's the villain and you're the hero with super 'Board with a nail in it'
powers?" Harry asked looking over the comic book.
"That was a hot seller in Japan during the summer of 02'.." Potzer told him assuringly.
".... I'm sure.. God, 2000 seems like a while ago."
"No it doesn't.. Not to me at least.." Potzer argued.
"I mean, around that time I turned 20... Now I'm 26.." Harry told him.
"Do I look like I give a flying fuck how old you are?" Potzer asked. Seeing as Potzer yelled profanity at complete strangers, Harry didn't take much offense to his turrets derived like remark.
"So why did you stop writing?"
"Eh, mostly because people never really gave me reviews, you know? I never got
anyone's opinion, so I quit.." he admitted.
"............. That's a shame because this is really good.." Harry said, actually in disbelief,
observing the graphic novel.
"See, I knew my shit was tight but nobody read it." Potzer said, folding his arms.
"Well, I'm sure there are plenty of other writers like you.." Harry reassured him.
"Yeah... A bunch of writers busting their ass when douche bags like you rake in
the praise over some unoriginal shit."
Harry was okay with his new raking position.
"No, tell me what you really think."
"I Think I don't need my advice from someone who screwed their best friend wheelbarrow style in a dark elevator." Potzer said. Harry's eyes widened.
"How did you..?" Harry said in shock. His shock passed to Potzer.
"Seriously, you did that? I was just guessing but... Really? God, you're sick." Potzer said as Harry buried his face in his arms.
LATER THAT DAY
IN CASA R/HR
*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*
"HELLOOOOO" Potzer said, still banging. He was there to pick them up to go to
the book signing.
"You can't come in yet." Hermione called from inside the flat.
"Yet? What the hell are you doing?!'
"Potzer!" Hermione yelled.
"I'm coming in!" Potzer said opening up the door.......
"........... Oh what the hell is going on?" Potzer asked, his right arm hanging off
the door, his hand on the doorknob.
"God! You don't just burst in!" Hermione yelled again.
"What? You're covered up." Potzer acknowledged. Indeed, both Ron and Hermione
were sitting on the couch. Hermione had a large comforter wrapped around her
stark naked body, Ron the same only with a sheet.
"Yes, barely." Hermione complained.
"What the hell did you two do? Huh? Enjoying some premarital sex?" Potzer
"Potzer..." Ron said.
"Oh look! You used protection? Why?" Potzer found a ripped open condom package, on the floor. "look, it's perfectly normal." Hermione argued.
"Yes.... But this..." Potzer said finding two piles of packages and holding
"This is just wrong... And impossible..." Potzer said, with a disgusted look on
"Oh... Those are from... Other times.." Ron practically suggested. Hermione laid back with one hand over her eyes and the other holding up the blanket.
"No, I don't think so, Ronald." Potzer said letting all the packages fall to
the floor like leafs.... As if there was a condom tree.
"Oh my god..." Potzer said after inspecting a bit more of their flat.
"A tree that grows Prophylactics?"... Ok I made that up, he didn't actually find a
"Look all those aren't you're business." Hermione said, referring to
polychromatic mess of crumpled up packages on the floor of her flat in Wales.
"Well.. I'm assuming you did it so many times, or you did it with a bunch of
other people.... If so where was I?" Potzer asked.
"Get out!!" Hermione yelled pointing at the door.
"Fine.... Just thought you might want to know about the book signing in
Hogsmeade." he warned them before leaving.
"I know.." Hermione told him, before he was out of the door completely.
"I don't know all the details.." Ron told her.
"Yes... We have about 48 minutes." Hermione said looking at the clock. She
couldn't look for long, since he grabbed her by the chin and kissed her.
".... I can get dressed in 2 minutes if you can." Ron suggested. Then Hermione
did something she didn't usually do. She fuckin' pounced on him.
".......... I wonder if she'll actually say 'daddy'.." Potzer puzzled outside
their door. He didn't have his ear pressed to it of course, he simply had to
stand outside in the hall. They were making such a racket he could hear them
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