Chapter 1 : How The Sofa Ate The Sod-Head
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There is a sofa in the Gryffindor Common Room that likes to eat people.
I swear to Merlin it's true.
Whenever someone leaves a random object lying on it, say a book, a quill, or a boyfriend, the sofa will gobble it (or them) up.
It’s funny to watch, if you’re ever lucky enough to be there at the right time.
Now, you may be asking yourself, “Why is there a sofa in the Gryffindor Common Room that likes to eat people?”
Well, I’ll tell you why: Slytherins.
Yes, that’s right.
Also known as: Idiots, dolts, jerks, gits, dingle-berries, tweaks, yanks, dobbers, dopes, ninnies, dweebs, imbeciles, and so on.
Apparently, unbeknownst to the Gryffindors, some of the nasty buggers got a hold on our password and, in the dead of night, crept up to our Common Room, and then proceeded to place this horrifying spell on the most comfortable sofa out of the whole lot.
We have yet to figure out the counter-curse.
...Needless to say, we feel incredibly stupid.
As for how they got the password and directions to our abode, from what I have deduced, a couple of them had cornered little Peter Pettigrew and forced it out of him.
I believe that it was the work of a couple nameless Marauder-rivals, though I am not sure who, nor am I inclined to ask.
I would, after all, like to avoid an endless rave about how Mister James Potter and Mister Sirius Black have since gotten their revenge.
Most unfortunately, I have caught some snippets of conversation and deduced that it involved some Muggle gags called “Silly String”, “Super Glue”, and “Cotton Candy”.
The bloody goobers.
Anywho, have you ever wondered what happens when a marauder forgets that he is sitting on a man-eating sofa?
Well, wonder no more, my friends, because this is the story of how the sofa ate the sod-head, as told by I, Miss Lily Evans.
He's doing it again.
...He's sitting on that stupid sofa.
How many sodding times do I have to tell him to STAY. AWAY. FROM. IT?!
Bloody hell, you'd think he'd learn after the first five times...
Well, looks like I get to be the lucky girl to go over and help him.
He's such a git.
She walked over to the big, red, velvet sofa that was set in the middle of the room.
He was sitting there, cross-legged, with a piece of parchment spread out over a big, thick book that was set in his lap.
He was scribbling a snitch in the middle of the paper, with the words “James Isaac Potter: The World’s Best Seeker…Ever.” sprawled underneath it.
Heaving a deep sigh, she placed her hands on her hips and said, in an impatient tone, "Um, James?"
He looked up from his doodle and said, as though he had never seen her before, "Oh! Why hello there, pretty lady! How may I be of service...?"
Rolling her eyes, she snorted, "Potter - don't you remember what I told you about that sofa?"
He sat there for a moment, scratching his chin and looking genuinely perplexed before replying, "Hmmm... let me see... I remember you telling me that I'm a dumb git who will never be able to win your heart, I remember you telling me that I'm an egotistical dolt who can barely walk through a doorframe without his over-inflated noggin getting in the way, and...”, he paused for a moment, as though he was searching for a particular memory before finishing, “Oh yeah! I also remember you telling me that I'm smelly. But no, I do not recall you telling me anything about a sofa."
Looking at him hopelessly, she cried out, making him jump, "Oh for Merlin’s sake, James! I told you not to sit on that sofa,” she paused, as she thrust her finger at the sofa where he sat, “because it eats things!"
Looking very taken aback and shocked by her statement, he shouted, “Great Scott! Say it isn’t so!”
Then while putting his hand on his forehead to pose as a damsel in distress, he wailed, "Oh Noooo! I'm going to die! I'm going to die a death by dragon-skin, finely crafted, fruitwood-framed furniture!"
She was rather annoyed with his theatrics.
"You know what, James, I should just stop trying to help you out if this is what I g----"
But he cut across her, wailing ever louder.
"Oh, dear mother of god, it's starting! I can feel it's equisite hand-stitched fabric and plush over-stuffed back pillow creeping up over me! Oh noooo, it's ultimate relaxation!"
"..." She did not appreciate being mocked.
"Please, Dear Merlin, NOOOOO!" He finished with a dramatic close, successfully attracting the attention from every other student who happened to be in the room, as he broke down in fake sobs and tears.
Growling with frustration, she said, “FINE! Be that way, Potter! But don't come crying to me when half of your arse is missing because the sofa has sawed it off!"
She then whipped herself around in a flash, with her bright red hair flying around her face as she did so.
Though temporarily stunned by her magnificent talent to remain beautiful when she’s so obviously disgusted with him, James had still managed to keep his cool… somewhat.
Straightening himself up, he mumbled, "Pfft... As if a sofa would ever DARE try to eat the mighty James Isaac Potter, the world's best and most finest-looking seeker ever."
And then, just as he was about to return to his partially-finished, badly-drawn sketch, it happened.
Lily, turning back around swiftly in her chair, couldn’t help but smile as she mumbled to herself, "Ha... that'll teach him not to listen to me..."
Greatly satisfied, she returned to her charms essay, listening happily as James continued to thrash and cry, despite the fruitless fumblings of Sirius and Remus to rescue him, as he sank deeper and deeper into the depths of the sofa.
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