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Breaking Up The Marauders by Pretty Purple Pelican
Chapter 1 : A Dastardly Drenching
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 56

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bellatrixx @ TDA


Lily Evans knew exactly who had drenched her and her friends in water, even before she saw them. She glanced angrily over at her friends, Elle Insontis and Brigid Mullins. Elle was looking down at her shirt, with a horrified expression on her face, whereas Brigid was looking to kill.

“I’m going to rip them to shreds,” she started yelling. “I swear!”

James Potter, looking very much like a mischievous three-year old, stepped out from behind a suit of armor. Following behind him, were his friends, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. This was a sight that Lily knew only too well. The four friends were always sneaking around and pulling stupid pranks on the poor girls.

James bounced a water balloon in his left hand, catching it neatly without squeezing it hard enough to break it. “Sorry, Evans,” he said, in a mock-apologetic voice. “Just couldn’t resist seeing girls in wet white shirts.”

Elle gave an embarrassed squeak and quickly threw her arms across her chest. Sirius Black gave a whistle, causing Brigid and Lily to whip out their wands. With a well-placed spell, Brigid caused the balloon to burst all over James’s face, drenching him in water. Even a sopping wet face couldn’t dampen the overly cheery grin on James’s face, and it infuriated Lily to her boiling point.

“The longer you stand there trying to kill me with your eyes, the more transparent you become,” said James, with air of someone poking a sleeping tiger.

Her cheeks tinged pink, and she had to nudge Brigid in the side to keep her from lunging. But Lily tried to regain as much of her composure as she possibly could. “Luckily, Potter, I pay attention in Charms class,” she said, drying their shirts with a wave of her wand. “Which is more than I can say for you.”

“I don’t need Charms class,” he said, winking at his friends. “I’m charming enough already.”

“Ten points from Gryffindor,” said Lily, ignoring his comment.

“Aw, c’mon,” groaned Sirius. “Since when does a bad joke mean actual punishment. Prongs can’t control his lame sense of humor.”

“No, but you could all control dumping water balloons on fellow students,” said Lily, shooting him a particularly nasty look. “Which is why it’s ten each.”

As if to punctuate her sentence, the final water balloon, largest of them all, rolled off the balcony and straight onto her head. The four Marauders burst into laughter as Lily stood there spluttering and speechless. “I love a good finale,” snickered Sirius, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes.

“That’s it!” roared Brigid, advancing on them.

“Bridge!” cried Elle, who was trying to console Lily.

The split second that it took for Brigid to stop and turn to her friend was all that the boys need to make their escape down the hallway. Even as they turned the corner, they could hear Brigid’s threats following them. Wheezing for breath, they stopped outside the portrait hole.

“Cracked, that one,” whistled Sirius. “Did you hear her? Something about pigeons and dismembered testicles, I think.”

“What we did was completely degrading,” said Remus dryly. “What else do you expect?”

“Not death by disembowelment,” commented Peter, who was still struggling for breath.

"C'mon, Moony," said Sirius, rolling his eyes. "It's our sworn duty to find out what's underneath the shirts of all the girls in Hogwarts, and if they don't show us-"

“Oh, can it,” snapped Remus. “Jelly Tadpoles.”

The Fat Lady giggled and swung forward to allow them entrance. They were barely through the portrait hole when a well-endowed brunette came running up to him, diverting all attention to her bouncing bosom. She was Shelley Tambrin, Remus’s current girlfriend and a previous nobody.

“Hi, boys,” said Shelley shyly, slipping her hand into Remus’s.
There was a chorus of “hellos”, all directed at her breasts. Luckily, she was too preoccupied to even notice. Instead, she stood on her tiptoes to whisper in Remus’s ear. Her face flushed a scarlet red, very aware of the presence of the three other boys, as he asked, “Are you sure?”

Shelley nodded energetically, causing Remus to turn and say nonchalantly, “We’re going to go work on the Care of Magical Creatures homework.”

“Of course you are!” called Sirius to their retreating backs, heading right upstairs to the dormitory. “Lucky bastard. I wish someone would work on my magical creature.”

Both Peter and James stared at him. “Really?” asked James. “That’s really the metaphor you want to use. Out of all the metaphors you could have chosen, that’s the one-“

Left with no other option, Sirius simply socked him in the stomach.


"I can't believe you didn't hex them," complained Brigid, back in the girl's dormitory. "You could've at least let me. I can think of a few they would find especially painful..." Her voice trailed off dreamily.

“Has anyone ever told you that you are an incredibly violent person?” asked Lily, raising an eyebrow at her friend.

“Yeah, I think I’ve heard that once or twice,” said Brigid, innocently. “Can’t imagine why, though. It’s not like I would crush the Marauders under my thumb if they ever found themselves in the way of a Shrinking Solution or anything.”

“Oh, have a Chocolate Frog and calm down,” groaned Elle, chucking the package at her. “You’re giving me a headache. This is all giving me a headache.”

Lily and Brigid exchanged mischievous looks. “Oh, no,” said Brigid, her voice sickly sweet. “Are we giving ickle Ellie a headache?” She grabbed Elle’s pillow of her bed and playfully smacked her on the skull.

“Stop!” squealed Elle, throwing her arms up for protection. “Stop it! Lily, make her stop!”

“You’re such a wuss, Elle,” laughed Brigid, plopping back down on the floor. “Thanks for the chocolate, though.”

“You’re welcome,” said Elle grumpily, her face buried in the pillow.

“It’s not me that’s giving you a headache, anyway,” said Brigid, her mouth full of chocolate. “It’s those stupid Marauders.”

“Urgh, don’t even speak their name,” moaned Lily. “If only they hadn’t ever-“ She stopped mid-sentence, a brilliant idea forming in her head. “Oh, my God.”

“What?” asked Elle, reappearing from underneath the pillow.

“What if there were a way to make sure there weren’t any more pranks ever?” said Lily, a glint appearing in her emerald eyes.

“Then I would say you’d gone completely barmy, because there is no way in hell that the Marauders would ever grow up enough to-“

“Exactly,” said Lily, grinning at them. “The Marauders are never going to grow up. But there can’t be any Marauder pranks if there aren’t any Marauders.”

The silent response was clearly not the one she had been hoping for. Brigid and Elle exchanged anxious looks, clearly worried about Lily’s sanity. “Look, Lils,” said Elle slowly. “I know you’re upset, but murder is no way to solve this.”

No," said Lily, rolling her eyes. "We break up the group."

"Of course," said Elle, the brilliance of the concept dawning on her. "But how?"

For the first time, Lily looked stumped. "I don't know yet."

They all thought for a moment, until finally-

"I do!" cried Elle. "What's the thing they seem to think about most?"

"Sex," answered Brigid instantly.

“Exactly!” said Elle, excited. “ a manner of if we manage to, well, you know..."

"I'm not sleeping with any of them!" exclaimed Lily, indignantly.

"Of course not," said Elle soothingly. "But if we got ourselves in the position of their girlfriends..." She grinned widely at her two friends. "Boys can get awfully jealous, you know."

And what if they found us cheating on them with one of the other Marauders?" continued Lily, nearly bouncing off the floor with enthusiasm.

"Exactly," said Elle, completely satisfied with her brilliant plan.

"It'll never work," said Brigid bluntly.

"Why not?" asked Elle.

"Because!" said Brigid, sounding very exasperated. "One: They'll never fall for it. They've thrown enough pranks to know when someone else's is coming. Two: Elle can't even speak to a guy without blushing and stuttering."

Elle's freckled cheeks flushed in anger. "I could if I tried," she snapped. “Just last week, I asked Amos Diggory if I could borrow his quill for class.”

Both Lily and Brigid burst out laughing. “This is going to take a lot of work,” said Brigid. “But if you really think that you can do it-“ Elle nodded, glaring at her. “Then I call Black.”

"Why?" asked Lily, disgusted.

"'Cause he's the best looking," she said, as if the answer was obvious.

"So that leaves Potter and Lupin," said Lily, calculating everything out in her head.

"What about Pettigrew?" asked Elle, her nose wrinkling in disgust.

"Please, Elle, use your brain," snorted Brigid. "If a girl came anywhere near him, he'd spontaneously combust."

"Point exactly," said Lily. "As I was saying, Potter and Lupin."

"Well, I know you absolutely loathe Potter," said Elle timidly. "So I guess I'll take him."

A slight red tinge appeared in Lily's cheeks, unnoticed by her friends. "Lily, you can't do that to her," protested Brigid. "She can't handle him. He’s the biggest prick of all. The King Prick, if you will."

"Yeah, I know," said Lily, sounding gloomy. "She's right. You're too quiet for him, Elle. We better leave you Remus."

"But what if he doesn't like quiet girls either..." mumbled Elle.


"Damn, Moony," exclaimed Sirius, staring at Remus, who had just come down from his dormitory with a very satisfied smile. "What is with you and quiet girls?"

"You were hardly up there for twenty minutes, Moony,” scolded James. “I’m horribly disappointed in you.”

“She actually did have to study,” said Remus, rolling his eyes. “And I’ve seen you sneak down the stairs after only five.”

Peter snickered, and James slugged him on the arm. “You haven’t even had one minute, Wormtail, so I don’t know what you’re laughing at.”

"Every time I try to get with one of those shy girls, they look at me as if I'm gonna bite their heads off," grumbled Sirius, still stuck on the mystery of shy girls.

"Padfoot, my friend," said Remus matter-of-factly. "That is because you don't make them feel special."

"I do, too!" protested Sirius.

"Smacking a girl's butt and calling her a "sexy-hot-mama" is not making her feel special."

"Works on most girls," mumbled Sirius. "And I'll have you know, I have never called a girl a "sexy-hot-mama" the same sentence..."

Remus chose to ignore him and picked up a book that he had left laying on the table. “You may add another number to my tally, gentlemen,” he said, referencing the mental tally that Sirius kept.

James gave a long whistle and said, "Moony, I think you may be catching up with me and Sirius."

"And by that, he means himself,” said Sirius cheekily. “Because I’m quite certain that you have quite a ways to go before you’re on my level.”

Remus and Peter exchanged a glance, having heard this argument take place many times before. James glared at him, but Sirius chose not to notice. He slapped his friend heartily on the back, saying, "Ah, Prongsie, old pal, you'd have more girls if you weren't so soft on them. You wait a few days after you get bored with a girl, just 'cause you don't like to see them cry. Whereas me..."

"You drop the bomb and then run away," finished Remus.

"Precisely," agreed Sirius, obviously quite proud of his method.

"And as for me being soft on them," said James, also beginning to grin. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to disagree. In fact, I'd say I'm rather hard on them. If you know what I-"

"Yeah, yeah," chuckled Sirius. "I know what you mean."

“As long as you get the picture, then I can move on to my next order of business,” said James, making a steeple out of his fingers as if he were an evil overlord. “The next prank on Evans and Company.”

“I’m pretty sure that her friends have names,” said Remus, from behind his book.

“Mullins and Instonis,” sighed James. “We know this. It’s not important information. Moving on-“

“If it’s taking place on Thursday, I can’t make it,” interjected Peter. “I have a tutoring session with Professor McGonagall.”

“Ooh, Wormtail,” cooed Sirius. “Never thought that you were the type to go for older women.”

“Are you finished?” asked James, annoyed. “It’s nothing as ‘degrading’ as today’s, just for you, Moony. In fact, I think you’re going to like this one.”

“Alright, go on,” said Remus, placing his book in his lap.

“Not here,” said James, looking suspiciously around the Common Room. “It’s too brilliant for a public place. We’re going to have to go to the dormitory.”

“This had better be good,” groaned Sirius, rising out of the chair.

“Trust me,” said James, smirking. “It will be.”

Next Chapter

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