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My Notebook Will Explain by Radcliffe_PotterFan319
Chapter 7 : Broken
 
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Chapter Seven
Broken

I closed the notebook I kept filled with letters, thinking. I had received Hazel Stags reply to mine almost immediately. I had thought we lived farther apart then that. It was two days after the incident and the day of the funeral. With nothing to write to Hazel Stag, I have not replied. I did not know what had happened and I did not know what I was to do to make him well again.

I stood up and checked my mirror. I was dressed in a black skirt that went just below the knee and a black quarter length sleeved, v-necked top. My hair was down in itís elegant waves and I had delicate black slip ons over my stockings. I had never been to a funeral before and hoped that I would be fine.

When I opened my door and started into the hall, I almost ran headlong into James. I blushed and smiled sadly. He was dressed in black as well, but his eyes were still red and puffy, his hair was messier then usual, and his face was pale. My smile faded and, without thinking, threw my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. James did not respond to the gesture. Just stiffened and walked away when I pulled away. My heart sank. Sirius walked up behind me as I watched James disappear down the stairs.

ď He told me last night that his feelings for you are not there anymore,Ē Sirius muttered, ď I think heís just grief stricken at the moment,Ē

ď Sirius, I need help,Ē Lily said turning towards her newest friend, ď My pen pal is mourning, too, but he wonít tell me why. I donít know what to say to him anymore. He used to be so carefree and his last letter was just so, serious it didnít seem right,Ē

ď Well, can I see the letter? It might help me help you,Ē Sirius said. I nodded and went back into my room grabbing my notebook with my letters. I handed it to Sirius. He opened it. His eyes widened for some reason and as he read each letter his eyes continued to widen. When he got to the last he just frowned.

ď Well?Ē I asked when he was done.

ď I-you havenít guessed who this is?Ē Sirius asked. I shook my head. The Sirius said, ď I donít know what to say either. Just be there, I guess,Ē

Once we made it to the cemetery where the Potters would be buried with all the many, many Potters before them, I realized how grim James was. He didnít speak, he didnít look at anyone, and he barely heard anything said to him. Everyone left him alone through the ceremony. I stood next to him and out of the corner of my eye, I could see tears rolling off his face. Tears rolled down my own.

Sirius seemed distracted through the whole thing. He would throw glances at me and then at James before turning his attention back to the caskets in front of us. When James walked forward with Sarah and laid a rose on each casket, I heard a sob break out from Sirius. He seemed not to care that he was crying in front of a crowd of people, mostly witches and wizards.

James, Sirius, and I were the last ones to leave the area. My parents went a head to get the car and then waited patiently. We were silent when someone walked up behind us. I turned and gasped when I saw Siriusís brother, Regulus, standing there. Sirius turned around, too.

ď What are you doing here?Ē he asked venomously.

ď Besides to pay my respects to great wizards?Ē Regulus asked. Sirius narrowed his eyes. I realized James didnít move. He didnít even show a sign that he could hear them.

ď You have no interest in the Potters. Your probably here to just finish the job off,Ē Sirius hiss angrily.
ď I am not branded, Sirius,Ē Regulus replied showing us his arms, ď But I hear things. I wanted to warn you that the Dark Lord was not looking for the ones who died. He was looking for you and your Ďfriendí here,Ē

ď What would he want with two teenagers? One isnít even of age yet,Ē I said startling myself. Regulus looked at me.

ď Donít question me. I donít hear the details. As I said, I am not branded,Ē he said, ď Iím just hear to warn you all to be careful, you may have a traitor in your presences soon,Ē

With that, Regulus apperated leaving Sirius and me confused and suspicious. We led James back to the car, he was still out of it. My parents asked about ďthe strange boyĒ but we did not answer.

Dear Hazel Stag,
Do not be mad at me for not writing in the past few days. I didnít know what to write. Writing to a serious you is harder then your, uh, un-serious you. Since I do not want to remind you of what had happened, I think that I will just blabber on in this letter. Starting with why I am ashamed to admit why I like James Potter.

Well, letís just say that I canít really STAND him. He is a bit big-headed and even annoying at times. We have never really gotten along and when we talk, letís just say itís not really ďtalkingĒ. Haha. He is also the reason why I donít have many friends, but I will keep that to myself. It will give WAY to much away if I say why. Sometimes, I wish that I could undo the past and be able to be in Jamesís arms and to have him hold me. But that is all a fantasy.

The strangest thing has happened today. We were doing a very depressing thing and when we were leaving a very unsuspecting person arrived. He warned us of something very out of character for him. Weíll call him a Slytherin-type and leave it at that. Well, anyway, I did not understand what the warnings were about, but I know that the friends Iíve made this summer are in danger until we get to Hogwarts and even then, theyíll have to keep an eye out.

The summer is passing quickly and I am surprised at that. It is an amazement as to what has happened in such a short time. I consider you my best friend, too. I swear that there is a bond between us that cannot ever be broken as long as out identities are hidden.

It is late and I have no time left to write. My mother keeps telling me to go to bed, and now that I can send this to you, I can sleep.

Love always

Trapped



Dear Remus,
I know we just saw each other like, a few hours ago, but I have the biggest news! I could not tell you at the funeral because it has to do with that stupid pen pal thing. Remember Jamesís nickname? It was Hazel Stag, right? Well, anyway, Lily asked me to read the letters from her pen pal so I could help her write her next letter. And guess what!

LILY HAS ALL OF HAZEL STAGíS LETTERS!! JAMES IS LILYís PEN PAL AND LILY IS JAMESíS!! Lily told Hazel Stag that she likes James and James told Trapped(Lily) about growing up and leaving everything even his childhood crush(LILY) behind! This is all messed up!, He even told her things we donít even know. I KNEW his drawings of me being beaten up by ladybugs were too good! Heís an artist! And a good one!

I donít want to tell James just yet who his pen pal is, because he is really messed up right now. You saw him. What should we do? We have to make sure that they donít hate each other if they find out they spilt their hearts out to one another unintentionally!

Sirius


I had no strength left in me. I barely could open up my letters from Trapped. The more weeks that went by, the weaker I seemed to get. I barely spoke to anyone and I barely looked at anyone in the eye. Sirius tried hard to speak with me and even to get me out. Nothing worked and when the July full moon came, I was unable to change into a stag.

Sirius, Sarah, and I did go back to Godricís Hollow a week after my parents were buried. I remember nothing from then, except for my letters to and from Trapped. Trapped was now my escape. She spoke to me and we shared out emotions with one another so much, that I felt like we were the same person. Sometimes I would spend a whole day in my room writing and writing until I had run out of parchment.

Two weeks before our return to Hogwarts, Sirius came into my room with our letters. Mine was heavier then usual and I figured it was a courtesy letter. Yet, as I sent George(thatís not such a great name anymore) out with my letter to Trapped, I realized that I was not ready to go back to my lessons. I could barely concentrate on anything besides Trapped these days and I havenít seen my sister in 3 days. How can I compose myself to go back to school?

I took my letter from Sirius and started to open it, but as I said before, my strength had deserted me and I could not open it. Sirius grabbed it from me before I could go crazy. He opened it with ease and handed it back. I was embarrassed and turned away from Sirius pulling out my letters. A heavy badge fell to the floor with a low clang. I stared at it for a moment in shock, unable to connect what the badge was. Sirius bent to pick it up and screamed throwing it in the air.

ď Head boy!?Ē he asked looking at me nervously. I was to busy reading my Hogwarts letter.


**Dear Mr. James Potter,
I hope you are well. I have assigned the position of Head Boy to you, Congratulations! You will be needed in the Heads compartment to instruct the new Prefects and for your further direction. You will, indeed, get your own Common Room with the Head Girl.

I am sorry for your losses.

Professor Dumbledore***


I shut my eyes tight. There was so much for me to handle now, why would I go off and agree to head boy duties. Sirius read the letter after me smiling. I knew that he was thinking of all the pranks he can play if I know the passwords of all the common rooms and prefects bathrooms and so on. My mind told me to be happy, but my heart just ached some more.

ď James, you need to get out of this depression you allowed yourself to escaped into,Ē Sirius said putting a hand on my shoulder, ď Everyone is worried about you. I bet even your Trapped is. You will never be able to move on from what has happened and all you have lost, but you canít stop living all together,Ē

ď You donít understand,Ē I said quietly.

ď I donít need to. Itís easy to tell when you need help if you canít even open a letter up,Ē Sirius said.

ď PadĖno, Sirius, I am so lost right now. When I think I have just a bit more energy to do something, its gone the second I stand to do it. My homework is all wrong because each time I go to do it, Iím reminded. Everything is in so much of a jumble and I canít sort anything out,Ē I said feeling tears threaten to come. I tried to swallow the bump that gathered in my throat.

ď Thereís nothing I can say or do, James. I have a hard time sometimes, too. Just, take the position of Head Boy. You deserve it even if you do cause a lot of trouble. As for your homework, Iím sure Remus will be happy to redo it for you,Ē Sirius laughed. He patted my shoulder and left the room. As soon as he was gone and reread my letter and then fingered the Head Boy badge. It was obvious that Lily was going to be head girl, but the thought did not excite me.

Feeling inspired for the first time in months, I went
back to my desk and took my drawing paper and charcoal pencilís out. I allowed my mind to wander through painful memories and my pencil crossed the page with a graceful skill. Each line formed something new and each stroke detailed it. I sat, hunched, over my work for hours not even looking up or seeing how well my picture was coming out. Whatever mistake I made was another inspiration of creativity. Finally, so many hours later it was dark in my room, I was finished.

My picture was of me. I felt my emotions coming out of the page. It was the best picture I had ever drawn. I was in my room, of course, Head Boy badge on my bed and my trunk on the floor next to it. Socks, shirts, ties, books, quills, and other supplies was scattered around my bed. My hair was messier then usual and I was dressed in baggy sweats and a stained t-shirt, much like I am now. My eyes had a permeant sad look to them and my mouth was in a slight frown. The Marauder map was peaking our from under my bed and the Invisibility Cloak was hung over the side of my trunk. I was obviously packing for school. Though it does not sound like much, it was probably the best drawing I had drawn in a long time. I was thinking about sending it to Trapped, but then hesitated. She would know who I am. I donít want her pity.

I put the drawing pad away and then went to my bed. I stared out the window for a while longer, just thinking. My wrist throbbed from drawing for so many hours straight and my neck ached from being in a hunch position for so long. Slowly, my eyes began to drop. I allowed them to and fell asleep still dressed.



IMPORTANT NOTICE!! For Lent, something in my religion where you give something up for 40 days and 40 nights, you have to give up something. My friends dared me to give up Harry Potter FanFiction. SORRY!! So, there will be no updates on ANY of my stories until Easter. I can still write my stories so i will have a bunch of new updates to put up!! Yay! So please continue to review. I will respond to them as soon as I return!!


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