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Dear Lord Voldemort by Shadow00Kasey
Chapter 1 : Dear Lord Voldemort
Rating: 12+Chapter Reviews: 21

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Voldemort was sitting in his usual place, a very uncomfortable high-backed chair, with Nagini draped over his shoulders and Wormtail by his side. The Dark Lord drummed his fingers in a bored manner on the arm of his chair. Wormtail was cowering and sniveling, as always, when a strange owl came flying in through the broken window. It dropped its burden into Voldemort’s lap and flew back out again. The creature that was once Tom Riddle glared at Wormtail, making the man cower even more than usual. He’d ordered his pathetic servant to fix the window on more than one occasion, but each time, another Death Eater had entered with news and had arrested his attention.

He looked to the letter in his lap. The envelope was a lilac, and it smelled faintly of…hibiscus? Now completely confused, Voldemort opened the letter addressed to him.

Dear Lord Voldemort,

I want you to know I’m you’re biggest fan! I was just thinking, um, with you being the Dark Lord and all that, you needed to work on your image. I mean, creepy, mysterious and scary beyond all reason were so last world war. Perhaps you could brighten yourself up a bit?

A change of wardrobe would do you worlds of good. I mean, you’re always wearing the same dark, drab robe, and you’re followers all wear the same, and masks, even? What is this, Halloween? I like the marks on their arms, but do they have to be so secret? Don’t you think it would be absolutely grand if they were proudly displayed on the back of matching emerald robes? Oh, I can see it now--you could even have the mark embroidered in silver thread! In those robes, you could do Salazar proud!

Hm, you should get yourself a makeover as well. Nobody likes a bald, ugly snake! First thing you should do is invest in a hair regrowth potion. You would look fabulous as a brunette. Oh, and maybe a little make-up. Now, I know it seems odd, but you need some color. You’re way too pale.

Now, let’s see…oh yes. Parseltongue is neat and all, but it does horrors for your public image. Perhaps leaving Nagini at home and not speaking to random reptiles would help.

Oh, and speaking of your public image, you seriously need to work on your people skills. I mean, I believe that Muggles and Muggleborns have no place in wizarding society, but do you have to kill them? They can be rather useful to have around, you know. Perhaps instead of killing them, we could just not accept them into wizarding schools. Or, if you insist on separating them completely, obliviate and relocate them all to the colonies or something. I’m sure they won’t object.

I happen to know that Lucius Malfoy is your right-hand man. Wonderful! If anyone’s mastered the balance between charm and evil incarnate, it’s Lucius. Perhaps he can give you some more tips, and cover some things I’ve forgotten. It would do you good to follow his example.

Anyway, these were just some suggestions. You don’t have to follow them if you don’t want to. But I think you should, all the same.

Anywho, gotta fly! Tata, darling!!

Your Most Faithful Follower

There was no signature, but the Dark Mark was stamped under the closing in a disturbing shade of pink. Voldemort looked at the letter another moment before crumbling it into a ball. He pulled his arm back to throw it at Wormtail, but hesitated.

He slid his other hand over his smooth scalp thoughtfully. He carefully unfolded the letter and reread it. Perhaps there was some truth in it…perhaps he should change a few things. He rose from his seat and crossed the room to a broken mirror. He regarded his reflection for a moment, then turned to Wormtail, a grin on his face.

“Wormtail,” he snarled, again raising a hand to his head, “Draw a bath…and get some money together…you have some shopping to do…”

A/N:: When I saw this challenge in the forum, I had to do it, lol. Hope you enjoyed it!! ^_^

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