Chapter 1 : There is only one chapter to this master piece
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You see Harry had not had a great day, in fact it had been the worst day of Harry’s entire life. Worse than the time Harry got beaten up by Dudley and his fat friends, worse than the time he got a whiff of his defence against the dark arts teacher’s turban (it hadn’t been washed for a long time and, come on, their a person was living under it for crying out loud that did not smell good), worse than his Chinese-owl-eating lover running away with a younger man!! Yes this day had been a very bad one….
It had all started when Harry had awoken sleeping next to………………………….(are you sure you want to know)…………………....(this is disturbing)…………………………….(actually after some of the other Harry Potter Fan Fiction stuff I have read this isn’t too bad)…………………………CROOKSHANKS!!! Yepo Hermiones pet cat (Warning: This isn’t what it looks like, Warning: This isn’t what it looks like) he was purring like a house on fire. Harry squealed and jumped out of bed.
“A CAT!!” he screamed, “A REAL LIVE CAT,” he continued to run around in circles jumping on all the other beds.
Ron grogerly sat up in bed and looked at Harry, “Relax mate. It is only a cat,” rather than calming Harry, this comment only made him go more ballistic. “ONLY A CAT!!!!” he jumped on Ron, “Do you know what this means??” Harry grabbed Ron by the collar and stared him straight into one eye.
“That you are a freaking moron,” Ron replied.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” Harry grabbed Ron by the ankles, pushed open the dormitory windows and, swung Ron like a discus hurtled him out the window.
Ron’s life flashed before his eyes. His mother cooking peanut butter cookies, His teddie bear/spider, His dad helping him ride his first broom, being put in Gryffindor, Nevielle in a red pair of underwear ….. Hang on a second! This was the last image Ron saw before he hit the ground.
Fortunately the flying carpet from Aladdin caught him and together they rode off into the sunset living happily ever after. The End. (Ha ha ha just kidding) Harry watched Ron fly away from the ground and off into a red barn owl surrounded by orange leaved trees. The owl pooped on ron which gave him a nasty infection which he died instantly from.
Harry did a victory dance which involved him and a pole…..scary. Any way let us move on.
Harry looked at his fellow Gryffindors all of whom were staring at him open-mouthed. He promptly dropped a bertie bots every flavoured bean into each of their mouths. Then pulled on his wedding dress and marched down the stairs singing, “I’m going to the chapel and I’m going to get ma-a-a-rried…”
Hermione met him at the bottom, she was painted in a suit. (you know how sometimes you see those people who have their clothes painted on them? …..Maybe I have been going to different parties than you….geez this is embarrassing)
Harry took one look at her before screaming in her face, “CROSS DRESSER!”
Hermione was so distress that she turned her self into a toilet roll.
Dean Thomas quickly ran from the toilet, clutching his pants in one hand, scoped up the toilet paper. “thenk ya ‘arry,” (hang on was it dean or shamus who had the Irish accented?) Then he ran back into the toilet once more. Poor old Hermione. Luckily Ginny had watched the entire scene. She glared at Harry before rushing after Demus (Dean and Shamus became identical twins (this because the author cannot be bothered getting up and looking up in one of the book about who is Irish)) Ginny tore the half used Hermione from Demus’s clasp. She muttered a spell under her breath and Hermione turned into a human once more. Unfortunatly half her face was dark brown and smelt……well I will leave that one to your imagination!
Back to Harry.
He was running down to the Great Hall when he collided with a blond hooked nosed young boy. Harry fell in a heap at the feet of the boy. “Watch where you are going, poof,” the boy sneered.
“Beep ee ee honk honk blippedy dooooo,” Harry replied.
This infuriated the lad, “Don’t ever speak to me that way again,” he said through clenched teeth. “For I am the quater blood prince, the sole inheritor to the Malfoy fortune, yes I am the child of Snape and Draco Malfoy they call me Fay Joiner!”(he says Fay Joiner really fast!)
Scary theme music played somewhere in the distance. The sound got louder and louder. Until suddenly…. Professor McGonagall stood before them playing the bagpipes. Fay Joiner jumped of her shoulder and rode her out of the castle grounds neither of them has ever been seen since.
Harry ran to the Great Hall when he arrived he shouted, “PARTY!!” Then proceeded to dance and singing, “Everybody dance now!” He grabbed the closest person who happened to be his ex owl eating lover and they begun to waltz. Round and round they went until the music in Harry’s head changed. He pushed her to the ground and started to do the only moves you can do to the song in his head. Michel Jackson’s Thriller.
He had just finished doing the move where you make your hands like claws and open your mouth like a slightly disturbed person when his wedding dress fell off him. That is correct his wedding dress had fallen off him. He was left wearing nothing but a loincloth (he had borrowed it from Tarzan the previous year).
Mortified Harry rushed to the tallest, highest, top most, peak, summit, pinnacle, maximum tower in all Hogwarts. The Astrology tower. And this, my friends, is where our story ends. It was been a tale of woe, and a tale of bravery. A tale which told us of a life which could never be lived in a real Harry Potter story, a life that should be cherished and loved, the life of HARRY POTTER AND THE OWL-EATING-LOVER.