Chapter 1 : Name
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I still can't turn away
Cuz all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Got lost or thrown away
After having returned from his assignment Severus arrived to London to find that all the Death Eaters had gathered at the foot of Godric’s Hollow waiting in anticipation for the return of the Dark Lord with good news. There was only one thing which was on his mind and that was a certain young lady he had been searching for, her name he dare not speak in fear of the pain in his heart that would rip apart his soul.
“Have any of you seen…” he paused, “The heir.”
“She went with the Dark Lord up to the Potters; there was a lot of thunder and lightening coming from up there but I reckon our Lord dealt with it in whatever way he saw fit,” one of the masked followers spoke.
Severus bit his lip and looked up, was she still alive, had he missed his one chance to say goodbye? There came a scream then from the far back as he turned around to see the Death Eaters began to disperse. He was sure the Ministry of Magic would soon appear but he would not run from them, he could not; he wanted to see her face just one more time if it were even for a moment. He would brave Azkaban if he would have to, just to see his childhood friend again if only for a split second, to watch her slip into permanent darkness and say the words he longed to hear. Severus pushed past the crowd as he ran up the hill not even thinking of what others would think, he felt cold tears mix in with the autumn rain, and perhaps he would get there just in the nick of time… or worst.
Upon reaching the top Severus looked in both directions, could she still be in the house or had she been killed by Voldemort? The thought brought bile to Severus’ throat but he pushed on in the rain trying to find any trace of her existence.
He remembered when he first saw her after all those years when she left Hogwarts, shackled and beaten like a dog; his only wish was to have been able to take her away from all that, but he had been sent away instead to unfriendly grounds to prove his loyalty to the Dark Lord when in reality it had nothing to do with him… it was all about her. Looking down he saw a shred of cloth and picking it up examined it thinking; could it have been hers? Severus then looked around at his surroundings, in the night he saw that many of the rocks had been shattered by spells from the way they lay on the ground. A fight had gone on and that was for certain judging by the state of things but who was the victor?
“If there be any good ghost about please don’t let me fall yet,” Severus whispered feeling his whole being about to collapse, he was too late.
Severus took out the memoramid from his pocket and looked into it, it was only a few years ago that both him and her walked Hogwarts grounds as students without a care in the world; in love. He tired to fight back what he felt but it just kept on coming back to haunt him. He then turned towards the house which seemed deserted; drawing his wand he marched forward to if need be, die to be with the one he loved.
Creeping into the house Severus noticed that it was completely desolated and lacked the life it should have had. He passed the pictures of the Potters in disgust, he envied James for being able to do what he could have not; start a family. It was not just this that Severus envied of him it was the fact that everything came so easily to him which drove Severus into an almost insane state of limbo.
Noticing the muddy footprints Severus ventured up the stairs unaware of what lay ahead of him. Seeing the light in a half closed room he got ready for the worst, he felt his body coil up defensively drawing his wand up to eye level.
“You damned creature! I’ll kill you for what you-,” Severus burst into the room full of rage but found what he did not expect.
A child cried in his crib overlooking the dead bodies of Lily and James Potter along with something else he did not expect… Voldemorts cloak. Severus closed in examining the bodies of the two dead and then poking at the Dark Lords cloak to make sure he was truly dead. He then looked up at the boy who was sobbing; he was possibly a year old at most and had a fresh lightening scar on his forehead.
“And what are you crying for! You don’t know what I have lost!” Severus snarled, his face white with furry, the babe cried harder as he collapsed on the floor and he himself began to sob, “Gods why do you curse me so?”
“Severus Snape?” a voice came from the door.
Severus rose and saw Albus Dumbledore, the headmaster of Hogwarts at the door standing with a wand in hand.
“Headmaster Dumbledore?” he asked getting up wiping the shameful tears from his eyes.
Dumbledore nodded his head as he looked around at the two dead and the crying child. He went over to the boy and picked him up from his crib hushing him as he did so.
“What happened Severus?” he asked with a concern flicker in his eye.
“She’s gone, she’s gone and I never had a chance to see her,” he said holding back the welling up tears in his irritated eyes.
“Yes Lily Evans is gone-,” Dumbledore began.
“Not Lily, Gods why would I go for a Gryffindor. I mean my-,” he bit his lip as he tried to utter her name, “Valhalla Adonis.”
As soon as the name emerged from his tongue spasm of pain began to control his whole body, it felt as if he was getting sucked into himself with the mere memory of her. Not even the Cruciatus Curse could possibly have hurt this much as rekindling the memory of his long lost love.
While he held him, Dumbledore looked at Severus on the floor; this man was not a Death Eater by any means. He walked over to his past student who was now a man in his twenties filled with a rage and sadness that should have never come to past.
“Come with me Severus, the Ministry might get ideas should you linger here any longer,” Dumbledore said as he looked to the door.
Severus nodded straightening his back from the cowering position he had absentmindedly found himself in moments ago. He then looked at the fireplace that was dying out on the opposite side of the window; he had something that he needed to rid himself of.
“Headmaster before we depart I have something I must attend to,” he said to him as the Headmaster nodded.
Walking over to the fireplace Severus carefully reached into his robes producing a pile of letters he had all written to Valhalla but had never had the time to send to her. They would no longer be needed and so he tossed them in the fire as the flame engulfed them in red flickers not taking second though in what it was that the neatly packaged parchment held on it. He then looked back at Dumbledore as they exited the room.
Exiting the house Severus saw that Hagrid the keeper of keys was waiting with a rather peculiar machine. It looked like a muggle motorcycle.
“Hagrid I need you to take little Harry here to Private drive and wait for me would you?” Dumbledore asked.
“Course I will Headmaster,” Hagrid smiled taking Harry from him.
The giant then started up the mechanic beast as he was lifted into the air and rode off. Severus watched him wondering what would become of the Potter child and where they would hide him, he then turned to Dumbledore.
“I would like you to come with me to Hogwarts for a few moments Severus, we have much to speak of you and I,” he said.
“Yes headmaster,” Severus said looking at the old man in his half moon spectacles. With a loud pop they apparated to grounds near Hogwarts from where they made their way to the school.
And now we're grown up orphans
And never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame
But you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell 'em your name
In his office Dumbledore took Severus and placed him in a seat before his desk. Severus looked around at all the headmasters and mistress’ past as they watched him in a judgmental manner.
“I understand that both you and Valhalla were-,” Dumbledore began as he fixed some papers on his desk.
“Yes, but that was a long time ago,” he sighed looking down not saying anything back.
“Did Valhalla have any family?” the headmaster asked.
“No, she was like myself, without any family left alive or that cared,” Severus retorted feeling upset that the headmaster did not remember anything about his past student, “She didn’t even know who they were, she was just brought up with this belief that she was the daughter of Odin which I think is such a tall tale it baffled me how she could-,”
“Everyone thinks differently Severus, pity that Valhalla left us so soon…” the headmaster said quietly more to himself.
“She was just like anyone else,” Severus retorted, “Gods she might even still be out there… I have to find her… I need to take care of her till she is well again.”
“Severus-,” Dumbledore stared at him.
“Just for a while, but I would do anything to know she is safe,” he said getting ready to leave.
“Severus you must stay here at Hogwarts they will be out looking for you the moment they know you were a Death Eater,” Dumbledore stated.
“I never even cared for that damn old git, he hurt her… I saw the twisted old fuck beating her that day in the bar, you have no idea how it felt, and you have no idea the millions of things that rushed through my mind when I saw him raise his hand against such a fair creature,” Severus spat on the verge of breaking.
“I understand Severus but in case the Daily Prophet-,” Dumbledore began again.
“YOU WOULD DARE SELL HER STORY TO THE WORLD! Headmaster, I thought you had more sense than that!” Severus shouted in outrage, he would have never suspected the old man to want something like that; Valhalla’s story was a tragic one and meant to be buried along with her, never to walk the earth again, but only to remain in the hearts of those who knew her.
“Severus Snape, would you calm yourself please, I do not wish to sell anything to the Daily Prophet I merely need you to cover for her so that no one will ever know of the heir,” Dumbledore said, “If they think that Voldemort was defeated by little Harry then they will not look for answers to Voldemort's defeat and the rest we can improvise.”
“False fame,” snorted Severus, “Sounds good to me, so what do I do?”
“Swear you have been a spy for the Order for well over a year now and that you have been giving me information for the Order, I trust your Occulemnecy skills have not completely lost their touch,” Dumbledore said to him.
“Of course not Headmaster,” Severus answered.
“Good, I’m afraid Severus; we are in need of a Potions Master at the school. Professor Slughorn resigned just yesterday and if I do not remember correctly you were one of the best in his class,” Dumbledore stated getting up from his desk, “This will also give you cover up for why you are here and I do believe you are unemployed as well.”
“Well yes… thank you Headmaster,” Severus managed to choke out of himself as he looked down at his tattered robes.
“I must be off to see to little Harry, but you may stay at Hogwarts and get accustomed to your new office and maybe wash up a little, you look awfully tired,” Dumbledore said leading him out the door.
“I haven’t slept much, my mind was on her, most of the time,” he said.
“Yes of course, thank you again Headmaster, I didn’t think anyone would have-,” Severus tried to phrase a sentence.
“I know the truth Severus and thank you,” he said leaving Severus alone in the castle.
Severus looked away at the cold halls that once were lit up with the vibrant life of his youth. He wished to live it once more, both good and bad for none of it seemed as painful as what he experienced now.
“No matter what happens I will never tell them who you were Val,” he sighed as he walked down towards the dungeons.
And scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are
Severus came to his quarters and sat down on the long deserted bed. He sighed, breathing heavily as he looked around realizing how silent the dungeons really were in comparison to how he remembered the Slytherin common room.
“So silent is the grave,” he said to himself, “Yet more prison then salvation.”
He looked around at the cobwebs on the sides of the walls and decided to ignore them, shrouding himself in his misery. He then took out a tattered old book from his pocket and using a spell returned it to its original size. With a great agony inside his blood, Severus opened the book and looked at the many pictures he had inside it of himself and his friend. She was the only friend he had ever had, the only person who had ever given him a chance at life; he loved her for this, but she was dead and gone, or had she escaped?
The thoughts of her lying out there somewhere alive or perhaps dying brought hot fury. Severus threw the book to the floor not having second thoughts on it; he needed to eliminate her out of his life.
Severus stood against the wall for a few brief moments until he slid into a sitting position and looking down began to silently weep; he was sick and tired of the past coming back to him with all its lashing wounds that created more scars on top of his old ones.
“Where are you Val? Are you dead or alive? Are you safe or are you in danger? Will you be famous or will your story go untold? How is my life to be without you…” he paused after the last question and looked at the book on the floor, it held his entire diary and worldly thoughts. It had to be disposed of.
“Here I am once again with a tattered mind and a shattered hope of finding redemption for loosing her, but what do I get? The stupidity of a silent wall,” he growled picking up the book which had written on it The Legacy of Old Slytherin.
Severus then headed out to the library; the restricted section was a nice place to put the memories of the past to rest. As he passed the hallways a hollow echo surrounded each of his footsteps. A numbness was in the air that made the scent of the cold walls around him taste stale and almost slimy.
Upon coming to a lone bookshelf he placed the heavy old book on it then turned to walk away.
“You cannot run from it,” a voice came.
Severus turned around to see the ghost of the Bloody Baron sitting on one of the shelves above it. His eerie blood tainted form watching him intently.
“What do you think I run from?” he asked scornfully.
“Being who you should be and where you should be,” he said, “You’re making the same mistake I did.”
“And what mistake is that?” Severus retorted.
“Running from life,” he said simply, “Running from pain, from sadness and despair, you run from your feelings and hide behind who you want to be.”
“That’s not true,” he said attempting to turn away again.
“Listen to me! You’re running as we speak, you cannot handle what I have to tell you!” The Baron stated to him.
“Alright then what is it that I am running from?” Severus yelled as Madame Pince hushed him.
“You’re running from life because it saddens you that it is more then who we are but the memories and the actions we take as well,” the ghost answered him as he flew off in anger.
Severus wrinkled his nose and with the whirl of his cloak left the library. The past would lie buried for eternity and even longer if he so chose it.
We grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell 'em your name
I won't tell em' your name
The next day Severus woke up lying on the floor not remembering what had happened to him. With a light cough he attempted to get up and looked around realizing he had brewed a Forgetfulness Potion last night. A few students stood over him as he realized he had passed out in the Potions classroom. With a snarl he rose as the children scattered out of the classroom. He then grabbed his head groaning in pain as he sat down in the chair closest to him, he had even forgotten what month it was or that there were children in the school.
He then decided to have a walk around the school grounds trying to remember how it felt to have been one of the students, how it felt to be with her. The paintings watched him as he passed them, ignoring their magical presence.
“Hello sir could you tell me which way the Owlery is? I promised my mam I’d send her a letter after Hollows Eve,” a small boy asked Severus not knowing who he was.
“It’s that way, take a right after you see the first two classrooms,” he said to him looking over to the right.
“Thank you sir,” the little boy chirped as he ran off, his long Hogwarts robes following him.
Severus smiled at the sight of them and remembered his first year at Hogwarts when he had met Valhalla who to had long robes just like that. He sighed trying to think like the boy he once was not realizing how far away that was from who he was now.
“Morning Severus, I see you are getting accustomed to the students,” Dumbledore greeted him.
“Yes, I was just thinking,” he responded saying the last part a little more unsure.
“Thought is always a good thing, it can lead to marvelous actions,” the headmaster said looking at the full courtyard.
“I was just thinking how far away I’ve…it doesn’t matter,” he said getting ready to retreat.
“Hidden words are more painful then the exposed,” Dumbledore stopped him, “What was it you were about to say?”
Severus stopped looking at the old man and turned to face him, why did he care for his words he did not know.
“I was just thinking how fast I was pushed away from my peers,” he said to him.
“That you were more mature then them beforehand? This is not a bad thing Severus; sometimes certain circumstances force us to grow up faster then others…” Dumbledore began.
“Headmaster that is not what I am trying to say, it is simply the fact that-,” Severus protested.
“That you do not know what your life is worth living for now and that you would rather drown yourself in your potions? This is not the way, I know the loss of Valhalla-,” Dumbledore began.
“Don’t say her name!” hissed Severus, “Let her rest in peace, she does not need to be bothered anymore.”
Dumbledore looked at the ragged man before him, his sunken dark eyes starring at him behind curtains of dark hair. He let out a small sigh knowing he would have to work with Severus to get him under control.
“Forgive me friend, I meant no offense to her,” he said after a long pause.
Severus said nothing as he looked over the railing into the courtyard watching student’s talk with each other, hanging out in their distinct cliques. Everywhere he looked there was virtually a memory of his past that lingered; he had to get away from it all somehow.
“Oh before I forget the funeral for both the Potters and Valhalla shall be held this afternoon,” Dumbledore said to him.
“Of course, Headmaster just promise me one thing though,” he said.
“Yes Severus?” he asked.
“Limit the use of her name during your speech,” Severus gulped feeling the pain well up back in his throat.
Severus walked away after this statement allowing the last of the cold November wind to pursue his being into the castle. As he descended he was suddenly swarmed with Ministry officials and reporters.
“Were you a Death Eater? Do you know who was Voldemorts successor? Will they continue his work?” they asked him in the multitudes.
Severus stared at them mouth wide opened but no words came out as the flashes from the camera’s blinded him. He felt his pride and anger swell in him as a single small tear came down his face.
“I WON’T TELL YOU HER NAME!” he yelled at them as he pushed past the crowd and ran out of the school.
He continued on running until he reached the edge of the Dark Forest and hid in its darkness, he needed to be alone and away from them. Everything just kept on repeating itself in his mind like a broken record.
“I’m tired of running; I’m tired of having this same damn melody play over and over again,” he said cursing under his breath, “I still won’t tell them her name, I never will.”
I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are
Come back down
And I won't tell 'em your name
That afternoon Severus along with Dumbledore took one of the Hogwarts carriages to the cemetery where the funerals were to take place. Throughout the entire ride Severus said nothing afraid to speak of the way he had reacted towards the Ministry and the reporters. At the same time his mind dwelt on Valhalla and all the times when he knew who he was.
“You did a noble thing back there Severus,” Dumbledore finally said to him as Severus woke from his thoughts.
“It was nothing of the sort… it was stupid, I was-,” he began.
“You respected her name more then anything in the world, you do not want her to be known as a killer, but someday as a hero. There is nothing of higher merit than being true to oneself,” Dumbledore stated as they arrived at the gates of the cemetery.
Severus got out and began to walk off on his own passing various graves as he went to where everyone was gathering. Throughout the entire time when Dumbledore and the others were speaking their eulogy pieces for the Potters and Valhalla, Severus’ mind was elsewhere still on the past, constantly thinking. His mind was always on one thing and there it would probably forever stay like the black new robes he now wore. He hadn’t washed his hair either but it did not matter, she was gone, only she had ever appreciated him and now even that was taken from him.
After everyone had gone Severus went to Valhalla’s grave looking at the smooth marble. The fresh laid flowers swirled around; making it seem like the tomb was alive when in reality it was silent.
“Your bones are not buried in this earth, but our memories will be. I loved you once and I promise never to love again. I know you are watching me from above, somewhere in the sky where you don’t have to worry about anything, but isn’t it a little lonely up there? Of course… you’re dead you can’t say anything back… though if you could my dearest… I would ask you to come back down to me on earth. To be able to love you like I once did, to hold your warm being close to mine, but I know I can’t because it is a cold as the earth now somewhere out there, I’m sorry I never fought for you that one night there, maybe we would have been together now,” he said as he kissed a single red rose and threw it down to the grave, “I promise I won’t tell them your name.”
Authors Note: Hey all my faithful readers! I know I haven't been updating much and say you can tell from the sound of my lastest DoO related fiction I'm not in a very good mood. The loss of my grandmother has taken its toll on me very much. It's hard to realize what you're missing until it is gone. I want to dedicate this fiction to her. This is my first songfic so please leave me a review and tell me how you like it. -Valhalla Adonis-Snape