First off: Many GoF movie spoilers will ensue, so you've been warned. Second, this pokes fun at what the movies are missing or did wrong, or what people were complaining about. Like the other chapters, this is H/Hr tilted.
And...wow...a NEW disclaimer: Not only does JK Rowling own the book, but the movie is owned by Warner Brothers. Ooh..ahh...Was starting to get bored by my usual disclaimer of just Jo. lol. *winks*
“Don’t see why I have to go and do this,” Harry mumbled as he and Hermione walked up to a ticket booth.
“Because,” Hermione admonished, “I’m required to see it for my muggle studies class, and I didn’t want to go alone!”
“Hermione,” Harry said, staring suspiciously at Hermione as she fished through a purse for some money, “You dropped out of that class in third year.”
“Fine!” Hermione exclaimed, throwing up her arms. “I’m just curious about how the muggles see us. And worried…at home, while watching the telly, I saw a trailer for the movie…my character was wearing a pink birthday cake!” Hermione shook her head and shuddered. “And that girl who plays me needs to learn that she needs to stop being herself when she plays me,” Hermione muttered as she pulled out some pounds. “I’m not blonde, I don’t have curly hair…and my god, I don’t wear pink!”
“Calm down, Hermione,” Harry said, with a roll of his eyes. “I’m sure it’s all fine.” Hermione gave out a short barking laugh. “What’s so funny?” Harry asked her.
“Wait until you see what [i]you[/i] look like,” Hermione said, placing the money at the ticket booth with a request for, “Goblet of Fire.”
As Hermione took the tickets and walked into the theater, Harry stayed put, dazed, staring after her. Finally, he called out, “What do you mean?” Hermione turned around and smiled, but didn’t say anything. Harry ran to catch up with her while shouting, “Should I be worried?”
Hermione's smile grew. "I don't think so...unless you want everyone to believe you would wear your hair like that and spend more time in the bathtub with Myrtle alone than you do with me."
Harry's mouth opened in shock. "They wouldn't!"
But Hermione simply turned around and continued walking, shouting over her shoulder, "We better get a move on... oh and it gets worse."
Harry quickly caught up and walked like a dog being pulled out into the rain by its leash. Once they were seated (Harry tried to go in the way back but Hermione insisted they get seats in the middle), they were forced to watch twenty minutes of previews. Throughout them all one of them would make a comment about the previews shown. "Not another Superman movie, as if we need one of those." "Oh no...they are going to torture us with another Cheaper by the Dozen...the guy looks like he is their grandfather yet he is still having more?"
After the long twenty minutes were over they prepared themselves for the worst, and of course, were not disappointed. As soon as the Frank saw a third person with Voldemort and Wormtail Harry whispered, "What the hell is going on...?"
And then he saw for the first time (and hoping to be the last) that the person playing Barty Crouch Jr. did this weird lip-licking thing, Harry turned to Hermione and whispered, "What the hell? Is he, a fricken lizard? Plus, that isn't even how it happened."
Hermione rolled her eyes and said, "Quiet! I'm trying to watch, and they still haven't shown me yet!" So Harry turned back to the screen, already dreading what was to come.
The movie continued, and to Harry’s horror, at first, he woke up at the burrow, but the fact that the girl playing Hermione (who, with blonde, curly hair in a high pony tail worthy of a cheerleader, as Hermione had stated, and flared jeans, looked nothing like her) woke his character up with a candle, leaning over him cheered him up considerably. Harry then realized, with horror, that his character’s hair might as well have belonged to a girl, it was brown, and worst of all…his eyes were…blue? “What the hell are they doing?” Harry asked Hermione in a demanding whisper. “Damnit, I don’t have blue eyes!”
“Oh, shove it,” Hermione said heatedly. “My god! Look at me. I might as well just be Lavender! Those idiots.”
As the movie continued, Harry, who had actually experienced the events that were mentioned, felt himself become very confused. Within fifteen minutes they were on the Hogwarts Express, and Harry found himself disappointed that there had been no Hermione pulling at Harry and moaning to get a move on in the film as she had done in real life. But, then again, the fact that the Hermione in the movie had clung to Harry during the attack made up for it…a bit. Harry also found himself extremely disturbed by the boy who played Ron.
When he first saw Ron he tapped Hermione on the shoulder and asked, “Why is Ginny there and not Ron?”
Hermione had to stifle her giggling. “That [i]is[/i] Ron,” she said.
“What are you talking about?” Harry asked, confused. “It’s clearly not. Look at his hair.”
“He doesn’t like cutting it.”
“You’re seriously telling me that guy is Ron?!”
“Yes,” Hermione replied. “There’s Ginny,” she continued as a small girl with long red hair who looked to be about eight appeared on the screen. “At least when they film the sixth movie people will realize how wrong it is for you to kiss her.”
Harry blushed. “Sorry ‘bout that,” he apologized. “Wasn’t my fault. She threatened to poison me if I didn’t date her, and as much as it pained me, I kinda valued my life…and a couple million other people did as well.”
“Hmph,” was all Hermione could muster, looking a little angry, but returning her attention to the film where, the Beauxbaton and Durmstrang students were already there, despite that the Hogwarts kids had just arrived as well.
Harry watched as butterflies flew out from under their outfits and quickly turned to look at Hermione. "What the hell is up those things? It looks like they keep them in there...do they fly back into the dresses?"
Hermione put her hand over his mouth. "Harry, just watch."
So Harry turned and watched as Durmstrang came in and some weird guys blew fire, which Hermione helped point out when she turned around and said, "Why the hell are they blowing fire? The only thing they've ever done for Hogwarts entertainment is that stupid chorus they made up in one of the other films!"
Harry repeated what she did to him with a smug look on his face: "Hermione, just watch." So they continued to watch the film. The more Harry watched the more he wondered what the hell they were doing trying to make this movie only 2 1/2 hours.
Turning to Hermione they both asked at the same time, "Where the bloody hell is Hagrid?"
Hermione continued, "What about Dobby and Winky? Where is SPEW?" Everyone else had immediately tried to hush them, but Harry spoke next.
"What about Hagrid? We haven't gone to visit him yet."
Hermione grabbed Harry's arm and whispered, "They've taken away SPEW... I mean letting that girl put enough of herself into this movie…to take out SPEW! What were they thinking when making this film?" It didn't get better though. Harry and Hermione watched as they ruined Dumbledore's character after his name was drawn. Dumbledore was apparently a very abusive guy...
Then they watched as Harry had his fight with Ron, and when they heard Ron say, "Piss off," they both turned to each other, each with a puzzled look on their face.
Harry said, "I don't remember him saying that to me." Hermione hushed him and they both focused on the movie.
Seeing Harry alone near the lake Hermione said, "Oh look you're at the lake! Now we get to talk and I tell you I believe you." Boy was she wrong....
Hermione’s face turned to one of pleased to one of clear distraught and horror within seconds. She watched in agony as her character approached Harry, talking to Ron, Ginny in tow, and then proceeded to yell at Harry and leave with Ron. “No,” she whispered, clutching at her seat’s armrest. She stood up and screamed, tears threatening to spill, “NO!!!!!!”
The theater was forced to rewind the film and replay that scene as the audience had missed about twenty minutes of the film. Harry quickly pulled Hermione down, who was panting.
“How could they?” she whispered in anger. “How dare they! Our moment…of me telling you that I believe you…giving you toast…telling you that Ron is being a prat…this is just…awful.”
“It’s okay,” Harry said, clearly lying. “Don’t cry.”
“Oh, I’m not crying because of that,” Hermione said, dabbing at her eyes.
“What?” Harry asked in surprise.
“It’s my shirt,” Hermione sniffed. “Look at the turtleneck.”
“What about it?”
“It…” Hermione stifled a sob. “It’s…pink!” She threw her face into her hands and began to sob once more as the audience gave the two dirty looks. Harry gave a weak smile and then returned his attention to Hermione, who was now muttering incoherently because her mouth was covered about how she had never worn pink in her life. She finally raised her face after the scene had finished and she had shouted, “I’m not an owl!” at Harry. Hermione decided to stay in control of her sobs in order not to get the two of them kicked out of the theater.
The scene switched to Hagrid and Harry, in a forest…alone. Which meant that the people who felt Hagrid’s relationship with Harry was more than just friendly were clearly correct, because a teenager and an adult just can’t walk in a forest together in the dead of night, alone, without something kinky happening. Seriously. Like a threesome with Maxime.
For a second she thought she was right because she heard something that sounded like a dying animal call out Hagrid's name, but he ended up leaving Harry, telling him to put on the cloak and follow. They watched as at the very end of that scene they find out Ron knew about the dragons ahead of time. Hermione turned to Harry with a questioning look. Harry already had his mobile phone out.
"Hello, Ron? Yeah it's me Harry. You aren't going to believe this! First they have you tell me to piss off-" Harry was cut off briefly due to Ron laughing, "-and then they continue to make you look like an ass by saying you knew about the dragons. Did you really know about them?"
Almost half the theatre could hear Ron yell, "No I bloody didn't! Why would I-" Hermione had snapped his mobile phone shut, cutting off Ron’s screams, and was now looking at Harry with tears running down her face.
"Harry... they don't have me teach you accio at all! I worked with you all night, and they completely cut the scene out! How could they do that?"
Harry was also mad about this but tried to control himself for her sake. "Hermione, don't cry. I know it is bad, just don't cry."
Hermione looked at the scene and back. "Harry, I'm not crying. That pink that actress playing me is wearing, and then saying she likes to keep true to the books... The pink, it BLINDS me!" With that, Hermione covered her eyes and Harry gave her a worried glance; they hadn't even gotten to the Yule Ball yet.
However, Harry heard a definite squee of, “Ooh! Ooh!” as Hermione and Harry in the movie talked through a tent flap right before the first task. Harry watched in pleasure as Hermione flung herself on Harry and then Rita Skeeter took a picture of it. However much of a cow that woman was, Harry couldn’t help but love her for saying, “True love.”
“Well, that makes up for it a bit, doesn’t it?” Harry asked, leaning towards Hermione, only to find she wasn’t there. Harry looked around desperately, and finally found her talking angrily with a girl.
Harry rushed over to see what it was all about and could hear snippets of, “That was an awful scene! She should be with Ron!”
“No! What the bloody hell is wrong with you? Harry and Hermione!” Harry rushed Hermione back to their seats, glaring at her contender, and they were able to sit down in time to hear Hermione calling out to Harry to use his wand, then proceed to jump up and down when everything worked out. Although disturbed that in the movie the dragon escaped and chased Harry and Harry somehow survived two freefalls, yet no one seemed to care, Harry enjoyed the scene once more when Hermione was shown jumping up and down.
However, much to his displeasure, the next scene depicted him crowd surfing with the egg and acting very cocky.
“Who wants me to open it?” his film self yelled.
Harry turned to Hermione. “I wasn’t really like that, was I?”
“Not at all,” Hermione said, glaring at the screen.
“What’s wrong now?” Harry asked. “More pink?”
“No,” Hermione replied through gritted teeth. “More like no me. I apparently don’t care that you’ve won.”
They watched Harry be portrayed as a cocky bastard and Harry was just about to pull out his wand when it got worse. Suddenly, Harry was talking to Ron, and he mentioned the fact that Ron knew about the dragons but didn't tell him. Harry then heard Ron go into this detailed story about how he sort of did tell him, but he didn't understand a word of it. Harry turned to Hermione to see if she had any luck but saw that she was doing a crossword puzzle.
"Hermione! You're supposed to be watching the film!"
Hermione put down her pencil. "I was trying to figure out what the hell Ron was talking about, and thought the best way to do it was a crossword puzzle! The way they had the actress for me say boys though...what the hell was that?"
Both had once again caused a scene, and quickly turned back to the movie so that they weren't kicked out. The next scene made Harry and Hermione agree with Ginny for probably the first and only time (of course they'd later argue they agreed with the actress who played her, not Ginny).
When Hermione saw the robes Ron got she covered her mouth, but when Ron went up to Ginny saying they were hers and Ginny responded with, "I'm not wearing that. It's ghastly," Hermione snorted and Harry nodded.
"She is actually right...that is the ugliest thing I've ever seen, and considering I've seen Voldemort and Snape snogging that is saying a lot."
Harry raised an eyebrow as McGonagall began make a long speech concerning dancing…and then almost passed out when he discovered they were being taught how to dance.
“What the Hell…?” Harry whispered to Hermione as McGonagall talked about swans bursting out of the girls. He couldn’t help but burst out into laughter as McGonagall and Ron waltzed – his face was priceless. He quickly called Ron on the mobile again. “Hey, Ron,” he greeted. “I’m currently watching you dance with your new love…McGonagall.” Harry quickly shut the phone shut, grinning evilly. Life was good.
The next scene was Ron asking Hermione to the Yule Ball, and of course discovering she was a girl. The first thing that they noticed during this scene was Ron was getting beat up by Snape, and Harry almost regretted killing Snape if this was the kind of treatment he would give to Ron at moments like that. Next, both heard the way Ron said Hermione could go with one of them not saying she could go with him, while Harry went with Ginny; a misplaced and changed scene, but certainly for the better since neither wanted to hear those suggestions.
Then Hermione heard Harry say how Neville was taking himself and hit him. Harry spun around and hissed, "What did you do that for?!I never said that!"
Hermione rubbed his head where she hit him and replied, "You were probably thinking it, and even if you weren't this is so you won't ever have any negative thoughts such as that."
Harry sighed and watched how Hermione stormed out saying she had said yes to somebody else asking her, and watched as Snape rolled up his sleeves a bit before abusing both Harry and Ron.
Hermione smiled and muttered, "Even though he hurt you that was still pretty funny. At least you have me in my blue dress robes to look forward to." Harry began to fidget and look around, counting the number of exits and people. This was going to be one long movie...
Muaha! Haven't updated this fic in a LONG time. Don't know when part II will be up though...I've been extremely busy >_
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