Chapter 4 : The Unwitty Chapter Title-Part Swei
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He bent down and picked it up, scratching his nose idly as he flipped through them. Bill, bill, postcard, bill, letter to Harry, postcard…he paused. Letter to Harry? He gave a gasp as he nearly dropped the rest of the mail onto the ground. His eyes narrowed as he read the adress:
Standing in the Hallway
Holding the Mail
Wearing Red Sneakers
Inhaling…No Exhaling Now
4 Privet Drive
Little Winging, Surrey
It was all written in bright green, curvy writing that somehow made him think of his past. It was then that he came to a sudden realization. His bright green eyes widened. He remembered something from his past…something…amazing. He ran into the kitchen, and watched as the rest of the family slowed to a halt, staring at the odd look on his face.
“Did you get the mail?” Vernon grunted. Harry was shaking all over, his knuckles white.
“I’ve just remembered…” he whispered. Vernon and Petunia shared a nervous glance.
“Remembered?” they whispered together.
“Yeah…something…some green light…” he said slowly. “And then…a cackle…” he frowned. “…I think it was….”
There was a collective silence.
“I think I’m remember a something important! Green light…cackling….”
“Yes…?!” Petunia and Vernon nearly shouted. Harry clapped a hand over his mouth.
“I remember donuts! I think I used to like donuts! You know, those ones that shoot out green light and cackle at you?”
“That’s what you remember?!” Vernon said, breathing out a choked laugh. Harry shrugged.
“Well, there’s also this nagging little thing in the back of my mind, like screaming and my parents being killed by the most evil wizard in the world, but I don’t really think that’s important right now. We need to focus. Donuts…donuts….”
“I want a donut!” Dudley wailed. Petunia suddenly pulled a donut from the cupboard and handed it to him.
“Here we are, sweet darling Dinky Diddy Puffy Wuffy Lovey Dovey Ickle Little Warty Foul Disgusting Sickening…”
“Mum!” Dudley interrupted. Petunia looked shocked for a moment.
“I mean…here you are dear.”
“Give me that mail, boy!” Vernon said, eyeing his wife wearily, and taking the mail from Harry. “Marge is sick or something,” he said, reading one of the postcards. She ate a bad octopus or something.”
“I’ve told her to stay away from the octopi!” Petunia said with a cluck of her tongue.
“DAD!” Dudley suddenly wailed, bringing all eyes on him. “Look at Harry! He’s got something!”
“What?!” Vernon roared, and his eyes turned on Harry, who quickly trying to hide something behind his back. “Give it here, boy!”
Harry’s heart turned, however. He’d just read the letter, and didn’t quite know what to think of it. Vernon stared at him.
“What…how….” Petunia gasped, looking horrified.
“I KNEW IT!” Harry bellowed, standing up. “I KNEW I WAS SPECIAL!”
“NO!” Vernon and Petunia yelled together, and vaulted over the table, finally wresting the letting from Harry. They quickly scanned the letter, and their faces went slack.
“You’ve…won a million dollars?” Vernon whispered in shock.
“YES YES YES!” Harry screamed, jumping up and down on the chair, and then doing a small, highland fling on the table.
“I thought…” Vernon said, looking relieved. But just then somebody new entered the room.
“Excuse me?” They all looked to see the mailman standing there, wringing his hands. “Harry Potter?”
“Yeah, that’s me…” Harry said uncertainly.
“I think I’ve given you the wrong letter…” he said. “That letter you have goes to the other Harry Potter.”
“But it has my description and everything!” Harry said, snatching the envelope from Vernon and pointing at it. The mailman shook his head.
“Are you wearing red sneakers?” he asked, pointing at a particular line in the address.
“No…mine are blue,” Harry realized, his heart sinking.
“Precisely. It says the Harry Potter that’s wearing RED sneakers. Here you go,” the mailman said, taking the lottery winnings and swapping letters. Harry looked at the new envelope:
Standing in the Hallway
Holding the Mail
Wearing BLUE Sneakers
Inhaling…No Exhaling Now
4 Privet Drive
Little Winging, Surrey
Vernon let out a roar, and snatched it away, as the mailman left. “You can’t have it!” he yelled, and ripped it open. His face turned a number of different colors, and he showed the opened letter to Petunia.
“No…” she breathed.
“What?” Harry asked uncertainly.
“We’ve got to get out of here,” Vernon said vehemently. There was a ring at the doorbell, in that instant. “What now?” Vernon said angrily, as he got up to get the door. Harry and the rest of the family followed him cautiously.
Vernon looked through the peephole, gave a grunt, and then unlocked the door. As he opened it, Harry saw a very tall, businesslike man standing in the doorway.
“Hello there!” the man said brightly, thrusting out his hand. “You look like the kind of man who could use a shack out in the middle of nowhere!”
Vernon’s eyes widened as he shook the man’s hand. “I don’t…”
“And I’m just the right man to help you!” the salesman said with a huge smile. “Need a way to get rid of those pesky letters from nobody in particular? Want a place to make your entire family miserable?”
“Well…now that you mention it…” Vernon said uncertainly.
“It could be yours for FREE! After you pay five easy installments of $100.47!”
“That’s not free!” Harry interrupted. The salesman laughed.
“Aw, he’s a cute little tike isn’t he?” the man said, ruffling Harry’s hair like a child’s. “What do you say?”
“I dunno…” Vernon said, frowning.
“It comes with a badly wrapped gun, some potato chips, and some canned tomatoes…” the man said, wriggling his eyebrows.
“SOLD!” Vernon said excitedly, upon hearing the “canned tomatoes,” part.
“Um…Vernon?” Petunia said. “Shouldn’t a husband and wife make those kinds of decisions together?” Vernon laughed.
“Aw, you’re so adorable,” he said lovingly. “Wives don’t make decisions, sweetheart. Wives make delicious meals!”
There was a long silence, in which Harry raised his eyebrows.
“That was a little out of character, wasn’t it?” Vernon said, rubbing his jaw.
“It was, but funny all the same!” the salesman said brightly. Petunia glowered.
“Not at all, sexist pig!” she hissed. Vernon frowned.
“Come on, Petunia! How often do we get a deal like this?” he asked, sticking out his lower lip.
“Never, but only because it’s the stupidest deal I’ve ever heard!” Petunia said, shaking her head. Vernon grew angry at this.
“Alright, that’s it. I’m the man of this house, and I DEMAND your permission to let me do this!” Vernon said heatedly. Petunia clucked her tongue.
“Fine, but when Dudley has a pig’s tail and a giant knocks down our door, don’t come crying to me!” she said loftily. That was all Vernon needed.
“We’ll take it, then!” he said excitedly. The salesman smiled brightly.
“I thought so. Come with me, and I’ll take you to it!” he said. The family piled outside, and Petunia was absolutely livid.
“Look on the bright side, Petunia,” Vernon said wearily. “At least it’s a nice day out!”
They all looked at the bright, sunny blue sky. The next second, a loud clap of thunder sounded, and rain began to pour down upon them. “Let’s just go, shall we?” Vernon said, practically running to get in the car, so they could follow the salesman.
About an hour later, they found themselves being rowed towards a small little house, if it could be called that, on a shabby island. They were all drenched, and by the time they reached the shack, they were all quite numb. Harry’s heart was thudding. What had that letter been? He really had wanted to argue a bit more about being able to see it, but apparently the writer of this story didn’t feel like going into detail about it. He rolled his eyes. Maybe if that weird, extremely convenient salesman hadn’t come along, he might have been able to focus more. Damn those salesmen.
“Well, here we are!” Vernon said jovially as the boat hit rock. They all clambered out of the boat, as the salesman began to row away.
“Dad…” Dudley said, looking absolutely dreadful. “How are we going to get off this island if that man just rowed our boat back?”
Vernon seemed to just realize this, and cleared his throat uneasily, not looking at Petunia. “Er…we’ll worry about that later, son.” Then he quickly led the way into the hut. Once they were all inside, they looked around miserably. “I sure am hungry! Good thing we got these chips, eh?” he said, pulling the chips out of his pocket. The next few minutes were passed in silence as they all sat on the floor, eating their measly dinner.
Harry couldn’t remember feeling so cold and confused in his whole life. What on earth was going on? Who had sent him that letter? Why hadn’t Vernon allowed him to read it? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Vernon cleared his throat.
“So…anybody know any good jokes?” he asked feebly.
“Other than you?” Harry muttered under his breath. Vernon narrowed his eyes, but seemed too cold and uncomfortable to do anything about it.
“I’ve got one,” he said. “Alright, a sandwich walks into a bar, and he sits down at a table, right? Well, nobody comes to serve him a drink, so he goes up to the bar and starts complaining. Well, guess what the guy at the bar says, guess!” Vernon said, biting his lip to hold in laughter.
“I dunno,” Harry said dully, while Petunia and Dudley stared on dazedly.
“Well, the guy says, he says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!” Harry laughed loudly, slapping his knee in maniacal laughter. He draped his arm around Vernon’s shoulder, gasping for air. “Oh, my, gosh,” he said through gales of laughter. “That is SO funny! Did you come up with that ALL by yourself? I mean seriously, are you like a comedian in a second life? Do you write comedies in your spare time? That IS the limit! Oh wow, that was so funny, and you work in a drill company? You should consider stand-up, wow, so funny. You rock, man, I mean, do you write your own stuff? That’s seriously impressive, because I haven’t heard a joke like that since, like, forever. Man, I don’t know if I can handle another joke like that!”
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!
Everybody froze, and looked at the door, from which the huge knock had resounded. Harry looked at his watch. It was only nine. He frowned.
“What…” Dudley said uncertainly.
“Oh my!” Petunia said, placing a hand over her mouth. Vernon pulled out his gun, and pointed it at the door. For a minute there was silence, and then…BOOM!
The door burst open, and for a second, Harry didn’t think anybody was at the door. But then he realized that there was something small floating in the air. He stood up and walked closer. A young woman, no bigger than his hand was flying, yes flying-she had wings- in midair. She had blonde hair, and a bright green dress on.
“T…Tinkerbell?” Harry asked uncertainly. She shrugged her shoulders, pulling out a miniature cigarette and lighting it.
“Peter was being an ass,” she said dully, taking a puff, and blowing a small circle of smoke out. “So I thought I’d drop by.”
A/N: Hello there, and welcome to the end of this chapter. If you plan on reviewing this chapter, I wish you great tidings and a sackfull of candy and cookies. If you're not planning on reviewing, I wish you a sackfull of deoderant...becuase you STINK! Haha, just kidding.
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by Harry Weasley