Chapter 1 : Life I Need You
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I close my eyes
And I feel myself start to rise
Then I cry
As I realize that I canít fly
Why am I in that position
Where everything is an illusion?
I need something to hold on it,
I need something real
I need to come back to life.
My mind just started to work as I felt a cold shiver run through my body. I pulled up my sheet and hugged myself to keep warm. I had a sudden reminder that I am supposed to be doing something. I chose to ignore it. Itís still cold. Why wonít it be warm?
Thatís what Iím supposed to be doing. I forced my eyes open and looked at the same old four-posted bed that I have been sleeping in for the last 6 years. There was no one else around. I was alone in the dormitory. A usual sight for me. No one ever bothered to wake me up to get ready for class. No one even acknowledges that I am here.
Donít just give me an idea.
I want something clear.
Hit me with darkness,
Shine me with light
Anything to open my true eyes.
I forced myself out of bed and the cold rush was colder than ever. I hated being cold. I stared at myself in the mirror and I didnít even recognize myself. Itís been like for months now Ö. I donít even know who I am anymore. I never really did find myself too attractive. Still, everyday I looked worse. I looked dreadfully tired. My eyes were sunken in my socket and the heavy purple bags dragged and weighed my eyes even more. My once rosy cheeks were pale and my smile Ö. The one and only thing that I used to love about myself Ö. Was gone. My lips were chapped, dry and white. I tried to smile at myself and I realized I didnít know how. Itís a foreign gesture to me now. I donít even understand the purpose of it anymore.
I donít know what I need.
Love, strength, will ..
I need it all.
Iím willing to take it one step at a time
Just give me anything
Because Iíve had nothing for so long.
I really want to sleep. Thatís all I want right now. Sleep. That word sounds so good to me but I seriously lacked it. Itís been months since I got a decent sleep. I was lucky if I could get at least 2 hours of sleep a week. It started off being a full dayís rest until the numbers lessened and lessened leading to a day where the number became a hollow zero. I canít remember how it was to have a nice sleep. I just canít. I guess itís that condition that they call insomnia. No matter how tired I am I just canít fall asleep. Besides, even if I did finally fall asleep itís never pleasant. Maybe itís better that I stay awake. It takes me away from the nightmares.
I need to smile again
Itís nothing but a foreign gesture to me.
I donít even understand why we do it anymore.
All I know is loneliness, despair, confusion
I never understood why I am this way. Actually, I still donít. My mind just thinks too much. It thinks too much about my life. My life Ö. Pathetic and non-existent. I am practically non-existent. No one knows Iím ever around. Itís been so long since someone has even said ďHiĒ to me. My own family doesnít even know I exist anymore. They all have lives. Percy is in love with his job at the Ministry of Magic. Fred and George have their own jokeshops. Bill and Charlie have jobs too and they are now married. I was hoping Ron could be my saviour but no. Heís too busy with Hermione. He rarely talks to me. I remember every time he would ask to hang out with me, he would just end up hanging around Hermione forgetting all about me. And Harry Ö.. thatís a joke. For so long I have been in love with him and he just pushes me aside like I am still a little girl. He has Cho Chang to keep him company anyway. Dammit. Iím the only one is a complete loner. I donít deny that. Never. Itís true. Iím like a shadow that no one notices. I am alone in this world and there is really nothing I can do about it.
Life, donít start to fade on me.
I need you to hold me steady,
Hold me down,
Before I go down that road again.
Make me right
As I close my eyes again.
You think I would cry right about now. I donít even know how to cry anymore either. I have become so immune to my solidation that I have become a person that bears no emotion. All I feel is depression. No one knows that I feel this way. They donít know I am even on this earth anyway. No one knows or even tried to comprehend that there is something seriously wrong with me. I am just outcasted and lonely. For so long I have been looking for comfort but no one will give it. I just want a shoulder to cry on and talk to. I only have myself. That doesnít really help.
Even myself I am despising.