Chapter 5 : Hermy Seduces Voldie
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“Hello, Voldie,” Hermione said in a heavy, sexy voice. She ran a scarf through her fingers. She walked slowly towards him, while licking her lips. She looked Voldie up and down, staring at his deteriorated face and heavy black robes. “Why don’t you come here, lover?”
Voldie stared at her, unsure whether he was willing to have sex with a hot mudblood. “What about the Ronald dude who I’m about to violently murder by hanging him from a tree and jabbing him with a fork, before murdering you to make Harry suffer before his untimely death, giving me all the power in the world to control three blocks of London?”
“Who cares about him,” Hermione purred. “He’s not here. I’m here. And you’re here. Do you know what that means?”
“We’re here,” Voldie said uncertainly, staring at Hermione who he now realized was almost right in front of him. She had deep, vats of chocolate eyes (probably a mixture of Hershey classic and the dark chocolate, with a hint of mint chocolate chip).
Hermione flung herself on a grave, thrusting up her chest. “Right here, right now.” She flung her hands up.
“Er...” Voldie looked uncertain, as he now realized her vast amount of bushy hair would cause some problems.
“HERMIONE!” a voice yelled.
Hermione turned around to see a tall, straggly, red head with a face covered by freckles (you could barely see his eyes), who had electric, blue eyes very similar to Dumbledore’s, meaning, of course, that Dumbledore was the reincarnation of him from the future. It was...Ron.
“Oh, shove it,” Hermione said, glaring at him. She turned her wand on him. “Avada Kedavra.” She turned back to Voldie. “Now, where were we?”
“HERMIONE!” another voice yelled.
Hermione turned around to see Harry.
Hermione looked between Harry and Voldie.
“Oh, this isn’t fair!” Hermione pouted. “You’re both hot. How am I going to choose who to have passionate sex with?”
“Er...” said Voldie, blushing. He turned back and forth in a shy manner.
“Hermione,” Harry said. “Come with me. Together, we’ll have smart, hot babies.”
“Would they be top students at Hogwarts?”
“Of course, but never as good as you.”
“Thank God. We can’t have my children being better than me.”
This conversation angered Voldie.
“HERMIONE!” he cried. “Come with me, and we will rule London!”
Hermione looked between them once again. “No offense, Voldie, but you’re kinda ugly.
And, seriously, I can’t be seen with ugly children. I mean, look at me,” she ran her hands down her body. “Does this look like someone who can walk around with someone like you?”
“DAMN YOU!” Voldie said, brandishing his wand. “Avada Kedavry.”
Hermione raised her eyebrow as flowers flew out of his wand. “Are you trying to pollinate me?”
Voldie stamped his feet. “YOU DESTROYED ME!”
Harry looked at Voldie and smiled. “Muahaha. Avada Kedavra.”
And with that, Voldie fell, leaving only flowers to remind Hermione of the man she had lusted for about 2 minutes and 48 seconds.
“Ah, well,” Hermione said. She turned to Harry, smiling. Then her eyes flicked to Ron, who was lying spread-eagled and wide-eyed on the ground. “Aw, fuck, now he’s dead and we can’t have a three-some. Of course, I could always call Krum...”
“No WAY, I want you all to MYSELF!”
“I am the best...seeker....”
And with that, they made passionate love. And, in the days to follow, they would live happily ever after. Until, of course, Friday, June 29, when Hermione would meet a hot guy Harry refused to have a threesome with. Angry, Hermione would turn her wand on him as well.
And that’s the story of how the boy-who-lived was justly murdered by the-girl-with-bushy-hair.
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