Chapter 3 : Hermy meets Voldie
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Hermione couldn’t believe her luck. It was 90 degrees outside and she had actually remembered her bathing suit this year, but she and the others couldn’t go swimming because the giant squid had gotten sick!
“Isn’t there something Dumbledore can do?” said Harry, who had been moaning about it for 10 minutes. Hermione felt the same way, but unlike him, she knew how to keep her mouth shut, so her response was, “Unless you want to jump in there and clean it up, STOP YOUR COMPLAINING!”
Harry smirked and said, “Fine, I’ll just get my fangirls to do it. They all do love me.” And to Hermione’s disgust, he winked.
Hermione sighed. Harry could be so immature some days. Oh well. She was going to take this time to sun bathe in her new bikini. After all, according to all fanfiction, by the time she was in her seventh year, she was hot. So, knowing this, Hermione had bought a skimpy swimsuit and was now wearing it, hoping to get some attention from a certain someone.
Harry certainly noticed, but he had something of his own to show off. You see by the seventh year in most fanfiction not only did Hermione become hot, but he had muscles to show off. So after convincing the fangirls to start cleaning up the mess in the lake by giving them winks and a hug (this caused Hermione to fume), he then joined Hermione in the sun, knowing she was going to scold him. He guessed in another minute or two.
“Harry,” Hermione said with a sniff. “Getting fangirls to do your dirty work is bad. Anyway, you need to concentrate on more important things. Like the way the sun is hitting my amazing body and making my now suddenly gorgeous hair glow golden. You have to pay attention, or else you won’t notice that you think I’m an angel.”
Harry then looked at her and noticed all those things, and a few more. Then he looked at her and responded, “And what about me? You have to look at my hot abs and chest and think about how Quidditch did it over the years. Don’t forget to mention my dark messy hair once again all over the place but looking good and my green eyes. Do you want me to write this all down?” Hermione wasn’t really listening though, because just like she would in class, she happily followed his directions. Then she took her pointer finger and poked his abs.
“You mean these?” She smiled at him too sweetly, meaning she was up to something.
He flinched and said, “I would tell most hands off the merchandise, but I guess all the times you’ve saved me has earned you one touch...”
“Hmm...” Hermione said with a smile. “All of that was only worth one touch? How about a poke at your abs and fingers running through your hair?” Hermione smiled sweetly, putting on an innocent face. Harry gulped. Yep, Hermione was definitely up to something.
“Okay you can do that, but don’t do anything else!” Harry then closed his eyes waiting for it, but nothing happened. He opened his eyes and there she was still wearing that smile.
“Harry you have to put your head in my lap if you want me to do it.” Harry was starting to get worried. He had to put his head in the lap of not just anyone, but Hermione, when she was wearing nothing but a bikini.
Maybe fantasies can become reality! Harry thought gleefully. Doing what he was told with a small but noticeable intake of air, he immediately closed his eyes so he wouldn’t be tempted to look up
She is doing this on purpose! he thought. Not voicing his thoughts, he relaxed as Hermione’s soft, gentle hands ran through his hair. Then all of a sudden, tons of air bubbles could be heard from the lake. Harry opened his eyes, lifted his head, and looked in time to see Dobby’s head in the water. He was going after something in the water.
I don’t even want to know. Harry then lay back down, and Hermione continued to run her hands through his hair.
Hermione then began her annoyingly well-known song time. “You think you own whatever quidditch pitch you fly on, the snitch is just a dead thing you can claim. But I know ev’ry book and essay and creature, has a life, has a spirit, has a due date... Let’s get down to business, to defeat, Voldemort! Did they send me wimps like Ron, when I asked, for bunnies? Scar scar-ma-ny, scar scar-ma-ny, scar scar, ma-ny, a scar is as lucky as lightening can be... Come along and sing the song and join the jamboree! H-A-R-R-Y P-O-T-T-E-R! Harry Potter Club! Harry Potter Club!” Hermione droned on and on.
As she continued to sing songs, she was now singing sick versions of Christmas classics when it was practically summer. He didn’t even bother to ask. Harry slowly drifted off to sleep. Now comes the part where there is a little twist, which there of course was. Hermione tugged a little on his hair and Harry’s eyes shot open.
“Hey, what did you do that for?” Hermione stopped singing and looked at him like he had been the one who drank polyjuice potion with animal hair in it.
“Harry, silly, I can’t let you fall asleep out here. I want you to listen to my singing and plus what if I want to talk to you? You have to stay awake!” She started singing again like she hadn’t almost ripped all of Harry’s hair out of his head.
“Who is that girl I see? Staring with straight hair back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don’t know? Somehow the fans will hide, who I am, though stop them I try... You’ve got a shish kabob in your hair. You’ve got a shish kabob in your hair. When the road looks rough ahead and you’re miles and miles from your nice warm bed, you just remember what old ‘Mione said, boy who lived, you’ve got a shish kabob in your hair... I can show you the world, homework, teachers, Hogwarts. Tell me Potter when was the last time your big head didn’t decide...? There you see me. Sitting here across the way, I have a lot to say and there’s something about me. And you don’t know why but you’re dying to try, you want to kiss sexy me. Yes, you want me, look at me you know you do. It’s possible I want you too, there is one way to ask moi. It don’t take a word, not a single word, go on and kiss sexy me. Sha la la la la my oh my...”
She suddenly stopped singing because Harry decided to take the advice of the song, to him it being the best advice he ever received. He sat up properly to continue the kiss that she seemed to want just as much as he did, but they didn’t get as far as he wanted because suddenly Ron was coming. He definitely wasn’t happy. He looked like someone had just said his sister dated Malfoy then shoved a broomstick up his butt. Wait, she was dating Malfoy, but that was a completely different story! So waiting for Ron to reach them, Harry finally realized this was his chance to show how much he hated Ron for liking Hermione and being a git these past couple of years because when Ron had asked her out Hermione said no.
Harry kissed Hermione once again, passionately, and wrapped his arms around her.
This will show him! Ignoring his original plan to stop kissing, talk/argue with Ron, and then start kissing again, he decided that he was going to keep kissing Hermione and he wouldn’t let someone like Ron stop him. Any minute now Ron would reach him...wait, what was that? The sound of someone jumping out of the water and running made Harry think someone was in danger so he pulled back from Hermione and saw something that made him almost wet himself.
With a shout of “Wheezey!” being Ron’s only warning, Dobby had latched onto his leg! Ron, unsure of how to get him off, began running all around the grounds and eventually back into the castle. Harry would have been kissing Hermione again, but both were laughing so hard he’d be surprised if they were able to ever frown again
But, at that moment, who should arrived but...
“VOLDIE!” Hermione screamed happily. Harry groaned. He was just starting to get close to Hermione, and in comes competition. “VOLDIE, VOLDIE, VOLDIE!” Hermione jumped up and down excitedly and then threw herself at Lord Voldemort. Lord Voldemort stared at this hot mudblood who was latching herself to him. He was in a predicament. Go out with hot mudblood or kill her. This was a very hard decision.
He didn’t have time to make a choice though because Harry, after their moment, wasn’t going to put up with this, and tackled him in a way that released Hermione’s grip on him. This knocked both Harry and Voldemort to the ground. Hermione then looked at Harry wearing that grin he saw earlier.
“Someone is a little jealous. Don’t worry, I never was a big fan of snakes.” She then grabbed Voldemort’s wand, which fell when Harry tackled him, and started saying, “Oh, pretty! I want it to be a different color!” So using her own wand, she decided to make it rainbow. “You have a stupid wand! Everyone will think you are when they see this!” She then began to laugh hysterically while Harry began to fight Voldemort.
Voldemort, like Hermione, was able to do wandless magic, but it was easy to see it wasn’t as strong and he hadn’t done it in a long time.
Voldemort concentrated hard on “Avada Kedavra,” only to have a wreath of flowers fall on Harry’s head. This, for some reason, pissed off Harry, and he yelled the worse spell imaginable. “AVADA SARDINES!” With a loud “NO!” Voldemort was smothered by sardines. Harry shouted in joy. Voldie was gone, and Hermy was his.
Victory being his and now having no reason why he and Hermione couldn’t be together, Harry grabbed Hermione’s hand and pulled her towards the castle, then paused.
“Hermione, why did you hug Voldemort back there?”
Hermione answered after much thought. “Ginny told me he was really hot before he became evil, and plus I had to see who had more muscles. Voldemort is physically a wimp; he has no muscles at all. That’s why I decided I like you more!” With that, she skipped away. Positive he’d never understand how Hermione thinks, Harry began to follow her.
“You know,” said Hermione, with a smile playing at her face. “I think this calls for a celebration. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” She raised her eyebrow at him.
“YES! YES!” Harry screamed.
Hermione smiled happily. “Oh, I love song time, too. You can start.”
Harry looked at her now with a frown on his face “‘Mione! I don’t feel like song time right now, can’t we do something else?”
For the smartest student of their year and Head Girl, he was surprised when Hermione got a confused look on her face and said, “What else is there to do besides song time? You already have used that tape of Snape to get him to dance in front of the Great Hall, so it isn’t even entertaining anymore. Do you want to do homework?” Hermione finished, her eyes shining as if this was the greatest and most entertaining thing anyone could ever do.
I hope she isn’t serious!
“Okay,” said Harry. “Let me make this more clear. When a man and woman love each other -”
“I don’t love you!” Hermione giggled. “Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids!”
“Right,” said Harry. “Anyway. When a man and woman love each other - “
“I don’t love you!”
“OH SHUT UP YOU IGNORANT LITTLE HEAD GIRL! STOP INTERRUPTING AND LET ME GIVE YOU THE DAMN TALK!”
“Now! When a man and a woman love each other…” He paused to see if she would interrupt which he was happy to say she didn’t, anyways. “…they have a way of showing how much...” he had looked to the side as he spoke and saw she that was gone! He hadn’t even gotten to any of the good parts, and she had left him talking to air! Sighing, Harry headed towards the Great Hall for dinner and immediately started laughing again when he saw Dobby was STILL attached to Ron’s leg and didn’t look like he was going to stop and let go anytime soon. Seeing the two seats at the end of the table open, he went to them and put a reserved seat sign on the other chair only to have Ginny sit on it.
“Ginny,” Harry tried to say calmly. “This is reserved for Hermione. Not Ginny. HER-MI-OH-NEE! Now get off the damn chair before I Avada Spinach you.”
Ginny was about to say something, but before she got the chance, Hermione had apparently seen her and made the chicken legs at the table go after her. Hermione then sat down and asked, “What were you talking to Ginny about?”
Harry deciding to respond similar to how she responded to him about Voldemort and said, “Well, Dean said that she had really nice, skin so I had to find out for myself. Her stomach actually isn’t that small. That’s why I decided I like you more.” Then with a wink, he tossed the reserved seat sign he had put on the table and began to serve himself some food.
Hermione smiled. “Of course not Harry. I’m so damn hot, how could you?” She chuckled to herself. She had made a joke. “Now, Harry, be sure to eat enough.” And with that, she took all the food from the table and piled on his plate. She smiled as she fed him, singing “This Will Be (An Everlasting Love)” to herself.
Even though he could never eat that much food to him it was the thought behind the gesture that made him smile. Deciding she should eat also since he got some things that the house elves didn’t replace, he put some of his food on her dish. Then Harry called Hermione’s name so when she began to respond he put some food in her mouth. “Yum...” Hermione just kept going until Harry shouted her name.
When did Hermione becoming so musical? Hermione was once again singing, and he had a feeling it was one she had created for the names Voldie and Ginny were in it.
“Voldie and Ginny, Voldie and Ginny. They’re both stupid gits, oh, oh, oh! Voldie and Ginny were sitting in a tree, throwing apples at dear old me. But then the cat flew and blocked them! OH! Voldie and Ginny... Perfect couple... Voldie and Ginny… Voldie and Ginny... Voldie...and...GINNY!” Hermione ended on her knees, her arms held out, smiling wider than she had ever before.
Harry had just finished his food while she was singing the last line, so he went over to her (she had gotten out of the chair to get on her hands and knees), and picked her up in his arms. Everyone began to whisper and McGonagall and Snape looked like they were about to hop out of their seats, but seeing who it was and knowing they had a certain tape, the two professors let Harry walk by and pretended they couldn’t hear a squeeing Hermione who now wanted to ride on his back.
“Harry...” Hermione said with a sly smile. “You know what I want now?”
“What?” Harry asked, almost too happy to believe it was true.
“A piggy back ride!” Hermione screamed, banging her fists on his back. Harry groaned. How stupid could the number one student at Hogwarts be?
Finally allowing her to ride on his back, he was sure he had bruises after the number of times she had hit it, he asked her where she wanted to go. “I want you to take me to the Room of Requirement!” she said excitedly, her eyes gleaming. Harry froze. Maybe she did have some common sense, and the fact that he was Harry Potter probably had something to do with it.
When they got to the door to the Room of Requirement, Hermione hopped off Harry’s back and walked in front of it three times with her eyes closed. When the door appeared, she smiled and said, “Come on.” Harry was so excited he was shaking. What he saw instantly made him look at Hermione in shock and surprise. She had practically created a karaoke bar. There were speakers and two microphones on a stage, and small tables were in front for people to sit down at.
Why me? Harry thought miserably.
“A one, a two, a one two three!” Hermione screamed into the microphone. “Twinkle, twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are. Up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky... C’mon Harry! Join in!”
Harry summoned one of the little camera’s they’d used on Snape. Pointing it at himself he said, “This is my life...” He pointed the camera at Hermione who was still singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
He turned the camera back to himself. “My life sucks.”
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