Chapter 1 : Welcome to My Litter Box
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Three days, twenty two hours, and forty five minutes.
That is precisely how long I have been residing within my current state of a pathetic, helpless existence.
Normally I would not object to being locked inside the dormitory, unable to attend those miserable excuses that the mudblood loving Professors call classes, but if you could see me now, you would understand the reason for my anxiety.
You heard me.
My name is Draco Malfoy, and that was the first honest statement that I have made in....
Well since.... Um...
Three....carry the two....
In Salazar only knows how long. But I suspect it numbers somewhere around four years, seventy two days, and thirty sex...I mean six...hours.
What? Stop looking at me like that! I'm a randy teenage boy and if you had been locked up in the girl's dormitory, staring at girls in their knickers for as long as I have, you would have sex on the brain too! Be you male, female, still deciding, or in transit on some muggle nutters operating table somewhere.
Now you may ask why Draco Malfoy, the Slytherin stud, is not doing something about his raging hormones, when he is obviously surrounded by willing and able girls.
And if you didn't ask, then you may ask what I am doing in a small cage, locked up, in the corner of the Gryffindor girl's dormitory.
You're obviously confused, and if I were in your place, I would be too.
You're also probably wondering why I have been so polite to you thus far. Because obviously if you are up here, you must be one of those Gryffindor, mudblood-loving freaks, whom are never lucky enough to be graced with my prestigious presence.
But when one has been transfigured into a ferret for calling the Head Girl a stupid mudblood one too many times, one tends to learn humility.
Do you see my dilemma?
Who would have thought that the mudblood had it in her?
Of course she did do this while we were conducting Prefect rounds together, against our will. Do you honestly think I would ever willingly sign on for Prefect duty with the Know-It-All Granger?
Frying Skrewts!!! What do you take me for? Some sort of inter-house unity toting half-blood freak!?!?
Now you would think that when only one of us returned from Prefect duty, that someone (one of my house mates, perhaps?) would have wondered why my amazing self did not show up in the dorm that night.
Of course they probably assumed that being, well….me, that I had found some gorgeous beauty to occupy my time.
So my dorm mates are forgiven for that lapse.
As it was, before the insult (*cough* Harsh Truth *cough*) was even out of my mouth she was able to whorl around, hex me, and bounce me to the girl's lavatory, thereby dunking me repeatedly into Moaning Myrtle's toilet, then back out to where she nearly drowned me in the sink's faucet claiming she could not bring a stinky pet back to her dorm.
As if anyone would have noticed my stench above her own.
All in all I put up quite a fight, and now the meddling mudblood has claw marks up and down her forearms.
I hope they get infected.
Salazar knows that it took me the better part of an hour, licking my claws clean in the moonlight, to get her filthy essence off me.
It was only after I had finished that horrid task that it occurred to me that I had just ingested that filth.
Yes.... Yes father, if you can see my now, please strike me dead where I hang upside down.
Damn him! He never was one for niceties!
Ah but where was I....
Getting to the dorm, pre-claw licking trauma.
Well on the upside, I found out the Gryffindor password. What kind of house uses flavored mints as passwords anyhow?
Well the kind that has four clingy, annoying girls waiting upstairs for you. The kind of house where the seventh year girls will coo, ooh, and ah at how cuddly a pet ferret looks.
They even tried to pet me!
I am not some common house pet people!
And that damnable Granger just looked on with her 'oh so annoying' smirk.
Slytherin house I hate her!
I did try to bite that Patil twin's finger off when she had the audacity to mar me with her own filthy touch, but that only resulted in her flipping me upside down and petting my stomach.
And let me tell you something, that girl had no idea where her hand was.
Needless to say, the first night like this was better than expected.
After that it was only down hill, with Granger doing her best to avoid me.
The mudblood's hatred of me runs so deep that her SPEW promoting self has even been ordering the house elves to feed and care for me so she does not have to come near me.
OH! And the worst of that is that my old house elf DOBBY is the one feeding me! I went on a hunger strike for about two hours, for fear that he would try and poison me since he seems to know who I really am, but hey... ferrets have fast metabolisms, and it was either that or start eating the bars again.
If I ever get out of this cage I am going to shit in Granger's shoes.
Ferret or not.
The only up side to this whole fiasco is that my hair is still the sleek, silky white that one of my stature should only naturally possess.
The biggest downside is the litter box.
I mean have you ever had to back up your rear end in order to do your business, in bare feet, over rough gravel?
Just picture doing that, naked, in full view of the opposite sex, who are constantly cooing at you from behind your jail cell bars, while you are trying to take care of your animalistic functions!
I mean if they are stupid enough to stick their noses that close to where I am doing my deed, then they could at least have the courtesy to not recoil in terror, holding their noses, making "Ew! Stinky!" noises as if they were pittyling first years!
Of course, these are Gryffindors that we are talking about. I have a sneaking suspicion that their IQ's border on the non-existent.
Merlin must know that this Lavender priss is the only one in the school who can honestly compete with Goyle for the school's lowest academic rank.
Speaking of my underlings shouldn't they have begun looking for me by now.
Salazar I hope so.
Do you see what being reduced to this state has done to me!? Instead of thinking Salazar they better! I wind up thinking nicely!
Damn you to hell mudblood! Your stupid slight of wand is messing with my mind!
And if my underlings don't find me soon....
Well I'm going to have one hell of an excuse for practicing Unforgiveables.
Of course, they deserve Unforgivables after this. I've been stuck drinking out of this water bottle for days.
Speaking of which, did you know that any pet-water from these dangerously dangling bottle like contraptions tastes like plastic? Perhaps the mudblood gave me a fresh, right off the shelf, bottle. It's the least I deserve after all, and it might taint the flavor slightly for the first few days of usag...
I will not follow that train of thought any longer.
No. Instead I will curl up in my nice, soft hammock. It's rather comfortable you know. With its soft cottony clumps of fabric that I can curl up in. And oh so fun to dig at!
Ah, the joys of digging! I never knew how satisfying it was!
It's about the only thing that can piss off the Mudblood responsible for my current condition.
At least until someone puts a silencing charm around the cage. Then they can't hear me when I sharpen my nails by digging at the hard plastic platforms of it.
But I digress yet again! I swear!
Being a ferret. It does things to you.
My name is Draco Malfoy, the amazing, bouncing ferret, and Hermione-Mudblood-Granger's new pet.
A/N: Authors Note: In all fairness, the insanity that this has brought me should be dully accredited. So thank you Timeturner for challenging us all to write 'Out of Our Realms.' Goodness knows writing in the first person and writing humor has driven me, at the very least, 'Out of My Mind.' So thank you to Timeturner and all of the others participating in the Out of Your Realm Challenge. May our psychiatry bills be covered by our insurance companies.
Another thank you goes out to JKR, for allowing us hopeful writers to use your characters in fanfiction, to improve and hone our own writing skills. All your characters obviously still remain yours
A special thanks to NJHill22 for helping me brainstorm unwittingly, and to Julie for suggesting I give Remus Lupin a pet ferret in Eclipse of the Sky. Had she not suggested that I may never have had this idea.
The opening picture is courtesy of Rogue, one of our lovable ferrets who has a penchant for stealing shoes.