The four Marauders were relaxing by the fire in the common room one evening when Sirius spoke up. “You know what I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY—”
“Shut up, Padfoot, and tell us what the hell you’re talking about!” said James.
Sirius sighed. “You shut up, James, since you’re the one who knocked a tray of dirt all over Lily when she asked for the watering can today in Herbology.”
“SHUT UP ABOUT THAT!” yelled James. “I meant to do that!”
“You meant to dump dirt over your biggest crush ever? Oh yeah, Prongs, that’ll make her fall for you right away.” Sirius leaned back in his armchair. “Anyway, I really want—”
“Cheese?” asked Peter a.k.a. Wormtail a.k.a. Cheeseboy. “Do you want cheese? Because I just stole an entire case of cheese from the kitchens last night. It’s great. I’ve got brie and cheddar and feta and cheddar-jack and Stilton and Gloucester and smoked cheddar and mozzarella and Provolone and—”
“CHEESEBOY A.K.A. WORMTAIL A.K.A. PETER!” shouted Sirius so loudly that several first year screamed and ran away. “I DO NOT WANT CHEESE!!! STOP TALKING ABOUT CHEESE!”
“You made a mistake,” whispered Remus. “It’s not Cheeseboy a.k.a. Wormtail a.k.a. Peter. It’s Peter a.k.a. Wormtail a.k.a. Cheeseboy.”
“Whatever!” said Sirius. “Why do we bother nicknaming him anyway? He’s just Cheeseboy.”
“Yes, but his Marauder name is Wormtail,” reasoned Remus.
“Well, it should be Cheeseboy,” argued Sirius.
“But he doesn’t turn into cheese when he transforms,” Remus reminded him. “He changes into a rat.”
“I wish I did turn into cheese!” said Peter-no-longer-referred-to-as-Wormtail-or-Cheeseboy-because-it-takes-too-long. (A/N: Except that took longer.)
“ANYWAY!” said Sirius. “I never got to say what I wish!”
“I wish Lily would go out with me,” said James glumly.
“You always wish that, mate,” said Sirius. “And it’s gonna happen. I promise. Thanks to my Polyjuice Plan. So when you’re married, you have to make me your best man, okay?”
“If your Plan works, sure.”
“And when you have your first kid, you have to make me godfather.”
“If your Plan works, sure.”
“Oh yeah…and I love the name ‘Harry’. So how about naming the first kid ‘Harry’ for me, okay?”
“All this just for getting me and Lily together?!” James exclaimed.
“Well…” said Sirius with mock thoughtfulness. “If my Plan doesn’t get you two together, then you won’t get married to begin with.”
James thought it over, then nodded. “Okay. If your Almighty Plan works, I’ll make you best man, name you godfather, and name the kid Harry.”
“What if it’s a girl?” Remus wanted to know.
Sirius frowned. “Good point. I guess ‘Harriet’ will do. Nah, I don’t like the name Harriet that much. If it’s a girl, you have to name her Harry, too.”
“Merlin help me,” said James. “But if it means I get Lily to like me, then I’ll do it.”
“James, you could get Lily to like you without the Polyjuice Plan,” said Remus. “All you have to do is stop jinxing people for the fun of it and act more mature.”
“MATURE!” laughed Sirius. “James isn’t mature. Well, except when he’s with the ladies. No, wait…not even then.”
“Shut it,” James muttered.
“Hey, I never did get to say what I wished for,” Sirius realized aloud.
“So tell us already,” said Remus. “We’re turning gray just sitting here.”
“OKAY!” Sirius shouted back, causing several more first years to shriek and run out the portrait hole. “I WISH FOR CHOCOLATE CAKE!”
“CHOCOLATE CAKE!” yelled James and Remus.
The four of them sat and looked at each other for a moment. Finally Remus spoke. “All that,” he said. “For chocolate cake.”
“You thinking what I’m thinking?” asked James.
“I’m thinking about cheese,” Peter-no-longer-referred-to-as-Wormtail-or-Cheeseboy-because-it-takes-too-long informed them.
“Well, I’m not,” said James. “I’m thinking that we go into Hogsmeade for some—”
“CHOCOLATE CAKE!” yelled Sirius, Remus, and Peter-no-longer-referred-to-as-Wormtail-or-Cheeseboy-because-it-takes-too-long.
All the remaining first years screamed and ran away.
* * *
“So,” said James half an hour later in Hogsmeade. “Does anyone know where they have chocolate cake?”
“Not Zonko’s,” said Peter-no-longer-referred-to-as-Wormtail-or-Cheeseboy-because-it-takes-too-long unnecessarily. “Or the post office.”
“Gee, Wormtail, never would have guessed that,” said Sirius sarcastically. “I bet Honeydukes doesn’t have it, either.”
“I don’t think there’s any place here on High Street,” Remus agreed. “But I think we might be able to find a place somewhere past the Hog’s Head.”
Five minutes later they stood outside Hogsmeade Bakery.
“Hmm,” said Sirius. “I’ve never noticed this place before.”
“Me neither,” said James. “Looks interesting. Let’s check it out.” He jimmied the lock with a bobby pin quicker than you can say ‘Peter-no-longer-referred-to-as-Wormtail-or-Cheeseboy-because-it-takes-too-long’. They stepped inside.
“CHOCOLATE CAKE!” shouted Sirius upon seeing a seven-layer chocolate cake on the counter.
“SHUT UP!” yelled James and Remus together. “WE’LL GET CAUGHT!” Then they looked at each other. “OOPS!”
A light went on upstairs.
“RUN!” everyone yelled. Sirius waved his wand. The chocolate cake and the cheesecake disappeared—presumably he Vanished them up the boys’ dormitory. James Vanished a bunch of scones and a cherry pie. Remus chose some chocolate chip cookies and a stack of brownies.
Then everybody ran.
* * *
Soon the four boys were sitting in the Room of Requirement, eating their stolen cakes, pies, cookies, and brownies.
“That was so worth it,” sighed Sirius, digging into a third slice of chocolate cake.
“Yup,” James agreed, slurping up the last of the cherry pie. “It so was. Anybody want a scone? Otherwise I’m saving them for breakfast.”
“I’m good,” said Remus, nibbling on a brownie. “And we can assume that Wormtail is, too, seeing as he’s not stopped eating that cheesecake since we got here.”
Sirius and James turned around to look at Peter-no-longer-referred-to-as-Wormtail-or-Cheeseboy-because-it-takes-too-long, who was in his rat form and eating the cheesecake with gusto.
“Who knew such a little critter could eat such a large cake?” said Sirius, beginning his fourth slice of cake. “I bet you it’ll be gone in ten minutes.”
“His or yours?” asked Remus.
“Both,” replied Sirius.
Then they all ate in silence for awhile until suddenly James stopped. He put down his scone very slowly. “You know,” he said. “We nearly got caught back there. We could have been expelled for that, right?”
“Well, yes,” said Remus.
“So?” asked Sirius.
“Mumelbum?” said Peter-no-longer-referred-to-as-Wormtail-or-Cheeseboy-because-it-takes-too-long around a mouthful of cheesecake.
“So,” said James. “So we risked expulsion for all this, right?”
“Right,” said Remus and Sirius.
“Might,” mumbled Peter-no-longer-referred-to-as-Wormtail-or-Cheeseboy-because-it-takes-too-long, still eating his cake.
“I’m wondering,” said James with a grin. “Why we didn’t just Summon this stuff.”
Peter-no-longer-referred-to-as-Wormtail-or-Cheeseboy-because-it-takes-too-long looked up from eating. Sirius dropped his fork. Remus swallowed the rest of his brownie.
“We could have Summoned it, yeah,” said Sirius, frowning. “Or we could have come here to the Room of Requirement and wished for cakes and stuff.”
“Or,” said Remus. “We could have stolen stuff from the kitchens.”
“So why,” said James. “Did we go to bloody Hogsmeade?!”
The four of them eyed each other.
“Good question,” said Sirius shrugging. “All I care is that I’ve got my wish granted!”
Remus shook his head. “All that for chocolate cake.”
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