As always, I do not own the Harry Potter characters. And Terese, as always, is my co-writer. Yay for staying up until ungodly hours on the harryandhermoine.org cbox! You rock, Terese!
Last time on random stories... Harry tricked Ron into going on a 50 year expedition with Luna in Russia.
Ron shivered and groaned. Why the hell did he nod yes to Harry? Why couldn't he have just said, “No, there's no Treacle Pudding tonight?” Why did he have to agree to accompany Luna for 50 years on an expedition in Russia? Now he was freezing his butt off, climbing mountains, searching for God knows what with Luna - Luna “Looney” Lovegood. To his right, he could hear Luna muttering, “Cankerblossom nitwit, cankerblossom nitwit.”
“I'm not a cankerblossom nitwit!” Ron yelled at her angrily.
“Are you a moron?” Luna asked him. “That's what we're looking for.”
Ron stared at her. “Let me get this straight: you said we're looking for a cankerblossom nitwit, and you think I'm the moron?”
Luna laughed. “Don't be stupid. We're looking for a cankerblossom and a nitwit.”
Shaking his head, he blocked out her chant of “cankerblossom nitwit” and thought more about how he was going to survive this. How am I going to do this for 50 years? She is already driving me crazy! What are we going to do to make money? What will I eat? He really didn't want to talk to her, but he couldn't keep that question to himself and he was beginning to get hungry...
“Luna?” There was no response “Luna?” Nothing. “LUNA?” Still, she ignored him. Getting an idea he shouted, “Look there's the nitwit!”
Her immediate response was, of course, “Where?”
Knowing he had her attention he asked, “Luna, what are we going to eat?”
She smiled and said, “Bugs of course!”
Ron blanched. “B-bugs? What type of bugs.”
“Oh, you know, flies, mosquitoes, spiders.”
“Sp-spiders?” Ron sputtered, clearly frightened. “How will we get these spiders?”
“We'll kill them of course,” Luna replied, now staring at the ground, appearing to be looking for something.
“Will I have to touch them while they're living?” Ron whispered in a terrified tone.
Luna shrugged. “Probably. I mean - OH MY GOD! LOOK! IT'S A CANKERBLOSSOM!” Luna bent down and picked something up, and then showed her cupped hand to Ron.
“I don't see anything,” Ron said, staring into her hand.
“Of course not,” Luna said with an aggravated sigh. “They're invisible, you git.”
Ron stared at her, and then looked up at the sky. Wherever you are Harry, he thought, I hate you to pieces. Mark my words: when I get back, you are dead! Unless, of course, I die on this trip, which is totally likely. In case the latter occurs, know that I hate you and am shaking my fist at you!
To show he meant it, Ron raised his hand into the air and closed it into a fist. Luna then shouted with joy
“What the hell is going on?!” he demanded, and soon found out.
“Ronald, you caught the nitwit!!!! I knew you'd be of good use! Hurry, put it in the bag!!” He didn't know what he was putting in the bag, but figured that if he complied she would maybe take him to the closest village in order to celebrate. He was, of course, wrong.
“Now, Ronald, we are off to find the very rare and almost impossible to find blodge!”
Ron, unable to stop himself, asked, “What does it look like?”
Luna grinned and replied, “Well, it is almost like a spider, except it is much more deadly than any scientists have seen and much larger.” Ron had paled greatly after her description.
“Where will we find it?”
She pointed to the village. “There.” Ron then passed out
“Ron...” Ron heard a voice call for him. “Oh Ron... Ronnie-kins...Ronnie-poo...Ronnie-Won-Won-ikins-poo...”
“Fleur?” Ron called out into the air hopefully. He opened one eye, hoping to be faced by a gorgeous blonde, but instead found himself looking at a girl with long, straggly, dirty-blonde hair. The girl was poking his nose with her wand, giggling. “You're not Fleur,” Ron moaned. “Damnit.” He looked up at the sky again. You could have at least given me that, he thought to Harry. He turned back at Luna, who was still poking him. “Would you stop that?” he asked angrily.
Luna, still giggling, replied, “No, it's fun. Anyway, this is how we're going to attract the blodge. It will be interested in my poking and will land on your big nose. And that speck of dirt on it that you've had for seven years doesn't hurt, either. Blodges like specks of dirt.”
Ron shouted at her, “I do not have a speck of dirt on my nose!”
Luna (being Luna) stayed calm and replied, “Yes, you do, and it is exactly what we will need to attract the blodge.”
Ron moaned again and looked to his to left and saw that they were near the village. “Luna, can we please eat a real meal first? If I'm going to die I want to die with a full stomach.”
She giggled. “Silly, you’re not going to die! If you try to eat the food of the villagers though you will become a zombie, and if I don't catch the blodge that will crawl on your nose before it bites you, you will transform into a blodge every purple moon and look for more followers.”
“Luna, there is just one little problem with your theory...there is no purple moon!”
She looked at him like he was the stupidest person she knew. “Ron, of course there is a purple moon! You just need the right equipment to see it and you have to look at the right...Ron don't move!” She grinned again and whispered, “There it is...”
Ron began thrashing. “Get it off me! GET IT OFF ME!” he screamed in a high-pitched voice. Luna slapped him on the arm.
“Shut up, or you'll scare the blodge away.”
“That would be a pity!” Ron whispered angrily.
Luna ignored his sarcasm, however, and quickly took the blodge off Ron's nose. Ron sighed with relief. He was safe - he wasn't going to die. He wouldn't have to spend all the money left in his account to get equipment to find a purple moon. Even better, he could still shake his fist at Harry...and he did so.
Once Ron was finished shaking his fist at Harry (which took a long time) and Luna finished poking the blodge with her wand (which took just as long), Luna then began to head forward. Ron, being the good little dog he is, followed her, unaware of where she was leading him. He normally would have questioned it, but after that he was very hungry and he didn't want to eat bugs. “Luna, didn't you bring real food?” Luna turned around and started to walk backwards so she could stare at Ron.
“Of course I did, but bugs are much healthier and taste better!” It was Ron's turn to look at her like she was crazy
“They taste better?”
She then nodded and sang, “Centipedes, they're more than good, they're GREAT!”
Ron was still looking at her like before and said, “Luna, the author made Hermione like that, not you! You still managed to stay in character before, so you can't do random stuff like that!” Luna didn't listen to a word he said, though, because she was mumbling about what creature to search for next and where to find centipedes.
Ron then rolled his eyes at her. “Luna, there is no such thing as centipedes.”
“Yes there is,” Luna replied stubbornly.
“NO, THERE ISN'T!” They continued to argue, and if Hermione had been there, besides breaking out in song, she would have been surprised to find that for once in her life, Luna was looking for a real insect. Of course, Ron was just a git, so he wouldn't believe anything Luna said, now would he?
Hours had passed by, and there were still no sign of centipedes. Ron began to moan as his aches of hunger became stronger. Luna told him to shove it, or she would feed him to the dog. When Ron informed her that there WAS no dog, she just rolled her eyes and pointed to her side. “It's right there, you idiot.”
Ron stared at her. “Let me guess, it's invisible, too?”
“No, you git, it's as small as an atom.”
“Then how could it eat me?”
“NO MORE QUESTIONS!” Luna ordered. “You're disrupting my thinking process!”
Another hour had passed, and still no centipedes to be found. Ron then felt something on his shirt and looked down to see a long body with many legs on it. Beginning to panic he looked at Luna. “Umm, L-L-Luna, do centipedes happen to have a lot of legs?” She nodded. “And long bodies to fit all of those legs?” She nodded again. Ron then froze for a moment and then screamed in a way for which most boys would point and laugh at him. “LUNA, THERE'S A CENTIPEDE ON MY SHIRT!” She glanced back to where he stood, frozen with wide eyes, his face looking down at his shirt.
“You found dinner! It really must be that speck of dirt...they just love it!” She then walked over to him and took it off his shirt, and with a victorious grin said, “You said they weren't real...” Ron slowly returned to his senses and began to follow her. She was rambling about different ways to cook and eat a centipede. After seven more centipedes were caught (all on Ron's shirt), they finally stopped.
After they ate their centipede dinner (Ron ate his plain, trying to swallow without tasting them, while Luna sandwiched hers inbetween two leaves), Luna said, “Since I was right, go find us dessert.”
“WHAT?” Ron roared. “No, absolutely not. There is nothing out here.” Suddenly, a ladybug landed on his shirt. Luna shrieked gleefully.
“That one's mine!”
Ron gaped at her. “You would eat a poor, innocent ladybug...” Luna nodded dreamily. Ron continued on, “...without offering it to me first?” Luna narrowed his eyes at him.
“MY LADYBUG!” She snatched the bug off his shirt and began to eat, muttering about the football-fielded lampshade. Ron sighed and went off in search of his dessert.
After five minutes and still no dessert, he took off his shirt and put it on the ground and hid behind a bush so the bugs wouldn't see him. I think Luna is starting to rub off on me... he mused. After waiting fifteen minutes he picked it up in a way that would keep all the bugs in and returned to Luna.
When Luna saw him return she asked, “So, did you get any good ones?”
Ron then grinned and unfolded his shirt to reveal about fifty bugs. “I don't know, why don't you tell me?” Luna then tried to snatch the shirt, but Ron shouted “MY BUGS!!!” and he then began to eat. These aren't half bad... he thought to himself.
Luna began looking up at the sky dreamily and started her own rendition of “Weasley is our King.” “Weasley is our king, Weasley is our king, hi ho the merrio, Weasley is our king. Weasley is our king, Weasley is our king. See how he runs. See how he runs...” Ron stared at her. What was up with the heroines in the books lately? First Hermione went all wacko and attacks him with birds and then turned around and got an agent for Broadway and started singing everywhere, and now Luna was making up stupid songs about him based on children's songs! He was going to have a word with the author of this story. Ron sighed.
Mumbling to himself about lawyers and abuse, he then did what most wish he'd do so they wouldn't have to read horrible attempts at a love/hate relationship between he and Hermione: he fell asleep. Luna, meanwhile, was drawing a map of Russia in the dirt and finding their exact location. She may have been weird and crazy, but she wasn't put in Ravenclaw for just any old reason. So while Ron snored away she began her plans to hunt the dwonk.
After a while, Luna shook Ron violently. “What's the emergency?” Ron mumbled, waving his hand wildly in the air. Luna slapped it.
“We have to go to Minsk.”
“Minsk?” Ron asked blankly.
“Yes, Minsk. I felt a vibe of some sort...oh yes, definite vibe...hmm...it's growing stronger...yep. The vibe is telling me that there are dwonks in Minsk.”
“I am not going to Minsk,” Ron protested. “It's cold there!”
“How do you know?” Luna asked, raising her eyebrow.
“Because when I was at a muggle hotel one time, under cover mind you,” his eyes darted back and forth, “I became...er...addicted to this television show (you know, those things where pictures appear in a box?) called Friends. This man went off to Minsk, and he said it was cold... I DON'T WANT TO BE COLD!” Ron whined.
Luna then asked, “Ron, were the cast of Friends wizards and witches?”
Ron wondering why she would ask that slowly answered, “No, why?”
Luna then shook her head slowly. “Ron, Ron, Ron. You are a wizard and I am a witch. We could easily cast a charm or transfigure things into stuff to keep us warm. And if you do get cold anyway, you can just suck it up and start acting like a man.”
Once her words sunk in he replied, “I act like a man! I actually had bugs for dinner and dessert, and I'm not afraid to wear the color pink!”
Luna looked unimpressed. “So you’re saying that you could tough it out like a man?”.
“That is EXACTLY what I'm...wait...no....yes.”
Luna grinned and started nudging his side. “Yes what?”
He glared at her “Yes, I will go with you and tough it out...” He then began to curse under his breath at a certain co-author who made Luna act like this towards him...
They apparated to Minsk - despite the fact that Luna, who was a year younger than himself, had never really learned how - and arrived in...snow. They couldn't see anything else - it was just white. And cold. Very cold. Ron turned to Luna. “Turn something into a coat,” he demanded.
Luna looked up at him. “I thought you were going to keep us warm. After all, you said you would act like a man.”
Ron turned red. “That's not fair! I...I...I'm bloody cold! I want a coat! I want warmth! Damnit to hell, I want Tahiti!”
Luna watched him shiver and act like a guy. And people say they are the superior race... She then cast a warming charm on the both of them and ordered Ron to keep it working. “You can do that, right?”
Ron glared at her. “Of course I can! Now that I'm not freezing I can think clearly.” So they began to search for the dwonk. Well, Luna did since Ron had no idea what a dwonk was and was simply doing whatever she said so they could just get out of there.
How long they walked around he wasn't sure, all he knew was that he was tired and wanted to rest. Luna turned around soon after and said “Go make an igloo for us.”
“I don't wanna make an igloo,” Ron pouted. “I'm tired.”
“Nice night, isn't it?” Luna said looking off into the evening's sunset.
“Er, yeah,” said Ron, glad to get off the previous topic.
“What's your favorite color?” Luna asked him suddenly.
“Er, I dunno...blue, I guess.”
“Hmm,” said Luna. “Do you like owls?”
“I guess,” Ron said hesitantly, unsure of where this was going to go.
“What do you propose you do instead of making an igloo?” Luna asked as if they had been on the same subject the whole time. Ron was caught off guard.
“Er...I...er...sleep and mentally shake my fist at Harry because I'm too tired to do anything else?”
“Ron do you enjoy being cold?”
Ron replied, “Of course I don't like being cold!”
Luna then smiled and said, “Well Ron if you want to stay warm then you have to make an igloo otherwise this warming spell will wear off and you will be freezing again.”
Ron looked at her with a frown. “I don't know how to make an igloo...” Luna pointed to his wand. I hate it when she is right. So taking down the warming charm, which Luna resumed, Ron used his wand to shape the snow into an igloo. Once finished he smiled, proud of his work. “So what do you think?”
Luna grinned and replied, “Perfect...well except for that spot right over there where you...”
Ron had interrupted her. “Luna, can we please just go in?” So after Luna and Ron entered the tent Luna casts a charm on them that would keep them warm, but wouldn't melt the igloo. Ron had just finished unpacking his bag and was about to get changed when he noticed Luna was still in the igloo just looking at him.
“What?” Ron asked, looking around frantically. “What is it? Do I have another speck of dirt on my nose?”
Luna smiled dreamily. “You're cute when you worry and sound like a girl.” She then turned around and began humming as she magicked bookcases, one king-sized bed, and a refrigerator into the igloo.
“Er, Luna?” Ron said. “There's only one bed.”
“And there's two of us.”
“So we sleep in the same bed.”
Ron's face went redder than his hair. “Sl-sleep...TOGETHER? As in side by side?”
“What's the problem?” Luna asked, blinking up at him.
“You don't see what the problem is here?” Ron asked.
“Oh, of course!” Luna said, smacking herself in the head. Ron gave a sigh of relief. “We need decorative pillows.”
She then magicked out three or four different types of pillows. “Ron which pillow do you like the most?”
Ron then began his rant. “Luna, we are in Russia eating bugs for a meal, and living in an igloo. We search for creatures that if exist are almost impossible to find! Yet you are asking me about pillows?!”
Luna seemed to ignore his complete rant though. “Yes, I also like the blue pillows. I CALL THE RIGHT SIDE!” She then hopped onto the right side of the bed.
Ron, forgetting about the pillows said “But I wanted the right side!!!!”
“No,” said Luna, rather stubbornly for someone usually so air-headed. “I like the right side. It reminds me of home.”
“But Ginny said you slept on a twin-sized bed...”
“Oh, never mind! I WANT THE RIGHT SIDE!”
Luna raised her eyebrow at him, then leaned in so her face was a mere inch from his. “Why do you think you deserve it?”
“Because I made this damn igloo!” Ron responded angrily.
Luna leaned back, and looked as if she was considering this. Ron crossed his fingers in hopeful anticipation. Luna leaned back in and said, “How about we play for it?” She looked at him, a smile playing at her lips.
Ron wasn't sure what kind of game Luna wanted to play with him, and he didn't trust her. He slit his eyes and asked, “What kind of game do you want to play, exploding snap?”
She then laughed and replied “No silly! We are going to play solitaire!! If you beat me then you get the right side and I go first.”
Ron then replied with some hesitation, “Wait... Luna, isn't solitaire a one-player card game muggles play? Dad was playing it before... WAIT A SECOND!!! If you get to go first then I won't get a turn and you'll win!”
Luna smiled at him and said “Then you better hope that I lose when I play.” She then grabbed a stack of cards and shuffled them and laid them out on the bed.
She then began. Her first card was an ace of clubs. The next was an ace of hearts. The next two were the remaining aces. Then came the twos. Then the threes. And on and on until the deck was finished. She then went through the cards she had laid out. Amazingly, they were all in order. Almost like magic. With in two minutes she had pronounced, “I WON!”
“No, you didn't,” Ron retorted angrily. “You cheated. You used magic to win!”
“You never specified any rules,” Luna said, waggling her eyebrows. She then hopped onto the right side of the bed, and then patted a spot to the left of her, with a malicious smile, for Ron to join.
Grumbling, Ron climbed into the bed, trying to sleep on the edge so as not to touch Luna once through the night. His last thought before he fell asleep was, I'm sleeping with a girl. Ah, the possibilities...No. NO. Scratch that. I'm sleeping with a girl. Ew.
When Ron woke up in the morning something was instantly wrong, there was something on his arm. He was lying on his side so when he opened his eyes a little he saw a small distance away the edge of the bed but he was closer to the center. Unsure of what was on his arm he slowly turned his head and opened his eyes a little more and saw it was Luna's arm. Turning a little more he looked at her face. She actually looks normal when she is sleeping...in fact she looks pretty.
Suddenly Luna opened her eyes. “BOO!!!!!”
Ron screamed in the way that Luna thought was cute, and then cursed at her. “What the Hell is the matter with you?” he asked her. “You could have given me a heart attack, or a panic attack, or...or...” He fought to find something else. “Or a stroke!” he finished, rather magnificently he thought.
Luna snorted. “Yeah, in the middle of Minsk you're going to get a stroke. That was fun,” she added. She looked up at the ceiling of the igloo and then gasped. “RON! RON! DO YOU SEE THEM?!”
“See what?” Ron asked, clearly annoyed.
“It's a bungalow!” Luna shouted excitedly.
“A bunga-what? We're in an igloo! A bungalow couldn't fit in here. It's like a house, for Christ's sakes.”
“No, no,” Luna said impatiently. “A bungalow is a type of kangaroo that hops in the air. It's also a chameleon,” she added knowingly.
Ron looked up not really expecting to see anything but checking just in case. About to tell her how there were certainly no bungalow in the igloo he could only open and close his mouth at what he saw. She seemed to be holding a large piece of metal that looked like a muggle gun, but she clipped wand to the top of it. “Luna, what are you doing?”.
She put her fingers to her lips and whispered, “I have to take aim if I want to stun them, they move faster than the speed of a turtle so I need this which locks unto them making it easier for me to stun them.”
Ron slapped his hand to his forehead only to be shushed again. “Luna, are you sure-”
She interrupted him. “Don't move.” Taking aim she then fired stunners at the ceiling of the igloo. A large piece of the ceiling then fell on Ron's head.
Ron then ran out of the igloo, screaming, “AVALANCHE!” at the top of his lungs. He quickly started digging a whole in the snow until he realized that he was a certified wizard. He whipped out his wand and melted away the snow. He then hopped into the whole and levitated the snow and then let it cover him. He breathed a sigh of relief. He was safe. It was then when he realized the flaw in his idea. He had just buried himself alive. He felt like hitting himself. He had just signed his own death order. He started screaming at the top of his lungs, “HELP!” even though he doubted anyone could here him.
However, Luna, who had impeccable hearing, did hear him, and came right to his rescue as soon as she could – which was about three hours after stunning the bungalow and having her afternoon tea. She then removed the snow and stared into Ron’s white face.
“You’re an idiot, you know that?” she informed him. Ron glared at her. “You could have just melted away the snow.”
Ron’s face fell. “I, er, forgot.”
“Well, obviously,” Luna sighed. “Do you prefer bacon or mayonnaise?”
“Can I have some hot chocolate? I'm pretty cold... oh and I want both.” Luna gave him bacon and mayonnaise between to slabs of ice, but no hot chocolate. “Luna, where is the hot chocolate? I want to make myself a cup...”
She simply smiled and replied, “You can't.”
Ron replied, confused, “Why not?”
Luna rolled her eyes and said, “Ron we are going to use it has bait to catch creatures, and plus you are too young for this hot chocolate. Do you want some Fire Whiskey instead?”
Ron then replied, “I don't drink Fire Whiskey! How can I be too young for hot chocolate?”
Luna talked to him like he was four, “If you have hot chocolate here you will burn your tongue and when that happens your tongue will continue to burn until it is crisp black and falls off. I do have a replacement tongue just in case that happens.”
Ron was staring at her with disbelief the whole time. “You're crazy! I might burn my tongue but it isn't going to just fall off! Now give me the hot chocolate mix.”
Luna complied and muttered, “The extra tongue is in my bag.”
Ron stared at Luna, dumfounded. “I don’t want an extra tongue!” he whined. “I want hot chocolate! To Hell with burning my tongue. GIVE IT TO ME AND FORGET THE DAMN FOOGLESNAPPER OR WHIPPERLAPPER OR WHATEVER THE HELL YOU’RE LOOKING FOR THIS TIME THAT DOESN’T EXIST!”
Luna looked hurt and replied, now quiet, “They do exist, they do exist.” Then her face brightened up. “But now that you’ve said that, you’re killing one of them. So clap your hands to signify that you believe.”
“Wha?” Ron asked, confused. “Where did you come up with this crap?”
“Peter Pan,” Luna replied airily.
“What is that?”
“Peter Pan. It’s a children’s book. My grandfather was the one who hoodwinked the author into writing it. Great writer, but really stupid man.”
Unwilling to clap his hands, Luna grabbed them and clapped them for him. Once he realized Luna was touching his hands he pulled them away and turned the famous Weasley red. “Stupid...Peter…clapping...tongue.”
Luna looked up at him. “Were you saying something?”
Ron replied, “No, I wasn't saying a word.”
Smiling she said, “Oh, well here is the hot chocolate”
Surprisingly Ron said, “I don't want the stupid hot chocolate...use it for whatever you were going to catch.” Ron then began to whistle, and soon Luna joined in with him. He stopped. “What are you doing?”
Luna stopped also and grinned, “What are you doing?”
“I’m whistling ‘Popular,’ from Wicked,” Ron replied.
“Why?” Luna asked, goggling at him.
“Hermione got it stuck in my head. Won’t stop singing songs from it. Apparently her life dream is to be cast as Galinda. In fact, right before we left, she was interrogating her agent on why she didn’t have the part yet. The news that the woman playing Galinda had to be over 18, sing, act, have sleek blonde hair, and have a perky and annoying voice didn’t sit too well with good old Hermy. So, to prove that she could be Galinda, she had been singing that soundtrack.”
Luna stared at him. “How about we talk about something other than Hermione Granger,” Luna suggested in a rather disgusted tone.
Ron was shocked by her change in tone, and being Ron didn't even realize that Luna was jealous. “Fine, tell me something about yourself if you don't want me to talk about Hermione.”
Luna seemed to relax a little bit and responded. “My dream is to run the Quibbler and to prove to people that these creatures really do exist. You believe they exist, don't you?” Her eyes seemed to grow twice the size.
He responded, “Luna after all of this... no I don't believe in them all! You were right once so far about the centipede, but I don't see any proof of these things you've caught. I want to see proof. Show them to me!”
“Seeing is believing,” Luna replied. “I learned that from a Casper movie.”
Ron stared at her, angry at her response. “Fine. Just fine! I won’t see them then, because I don’t believe!”
Luna looked hurt by his outburst and turned away from him. “Cankerblossom nitwit,” she muttered.
“Where?” Ron said with a sigh of annoyance.
“Oh, there is none,” Luna said. “I was talking about you.”
Ron turned red with anger. “Why you…” but just then Luna put a silencing spell on him, and he was left to angrily shake his fist as both her and the sky (he was hoping that Harry would somehow see that he was shaking his fist at him) while Luna ate a tuna fish sandwich (which consisted of tuna in between two packs of ice, with a layer of snow on top of the tuna for the topping).
Luna kept the charm on him for the rest of the day, and didn't speak to him except for once to tell him they were going to be staying in the igloo for a couple more days.
I can't believe I'm stuck like this. This is all her fault! How am I going to keep on doing this? We are looking for nothing, this is all just a little game. I do have Harry to blame though, he was the one who set me up. When I see him again he is going to pay! Crawling into the left side of the bed, Ron tried to signal good night to Luna who was also getting in, but failed. Luna then removed the silencing charm. Ron cheered and danced around in joy before getting back into the bed. He looked over at Luna who now appeared to be asleep. Maybe I shouldn't have yelled like that...even if I am right. I'll talk to her in the morning... So turning over he fell asleep, and this night he wasn't too worried about being at the far end of the bed.
When he woke up the next morning, he found Luna was already up, cooking pineapples. Although he was wondering why on earth she was cooking a food that was perfectly good, if not better, cold, he pushed this question to the back of his mind. “Er…Luna?” he asked softly. Luna looked up, her large eyes on his. “I, er…I’m sorry about yelling at you before.”
Luna smiled. “That’s all right. It was a lot of fun, actually. What with you not talking and waving your hands to communicate with me. On the fifth day I thought for sure you would remember that you were a wizard and could use nonverbal magic to say a countercurse, but you kept on entertaining me.” She turned back to the pineapple, which was, for some strange reason, turning a bright blue.
Ron stared at her. Of course! How stupid was he… He was a wizard God Damnit, but for some reason, he kept on forgetting this. Note to self, Ron thought. Remember you are a wizard. It might come in handy.
Surprisingly the cooked pineapple was quite delicious, although Ron didn't touch it until he felt his stomach growl multiple times. When Ron finished he said, “Thanks for the pineapple Luna, it was actually pretty good. Why is it blue though?”
Luna grinned. “The pineapple is blue because that means a dwonk is near. We head out in an hour!”
Ron groaned. I was getting used to relaxing here in the igloo... So an hour later they left the igloo to go searching for the dwonk. Ron once again was in charge of the warming charm while Luna was searching.
After about an hour, Luna returned, with what appeared to be a butterfly in her hand. “Luna, what’s that?” Ron asked, looking at the insect strangely.
“It’s a dwonk,” Luna whispered breathlessly. “It’s disguised as a butterfly so that it could trick me into thinking that it wasn’t a dwonk. It knew I was coming. Tricky little thing,” she added, tickling the butterfly, which for some reason wasn’t moving.
“Luna?” Ron asked in a horrified tone. “Is that butterfly…er…dwonk…dead?”
“Of course,” Luna said with a roll of her eyes. “How else am I supposed to use it for a potion to turn my hair purple?”
Ron glared at her. “You mean to tell me that we had to live in an igloo and search for this dwonk so you could make your hair purple?”
Luna rolled her eyes. “What else would you use a dwonk for?” Fuming, he followed her back into the igloo. Once inside he brought all of his things to the left side of the room and drew a line down the center of the igloo.
“Luna, this is my side of the igloo, and that is your side of the igloo. You don't come on my side and I won't come on yours.” Luna began to laugh at him. “What's so funny? Stop laughing at me!”
Luna calmed down and replied, “We are leaving, we got the dwonk now we are off to get the feather of a silver dog.”
Ron looked at her confused and responded, “Don't you mean fur?”
She smiled at him again. “No, I mean feather”
Ron rolled his eyes at her. “You’re really starting to get on my nerves,” he informed her. But Luna ignored him as, with a blink of an eye, she made the igloo disappear. She smiled and then started walking toward some mountains. Ron followed stubbornly, but then stopped realizing what direction they were headed in. “Uh uh. No. I am not climbing any more mountains. NO!”
Luna stared at him. “Okay then,” she said happily. “You can starve.”
She then began skipping towards the mountain. Ron considered his options: climb a mountain with Luna, or starve in the middle of Minsk. It took him a couple of minutes, but then decided that starving, although it sounded interesting, couldn’t be too much fun. He followed Luna and resolutely joined her in, “We’re off to find the feather of a silver dog, the wonderful feather of a silver dog.”
When they reached the base of the mountain Luna turned around. “You go first.” Ron looked up at the mountains.
“Why do I have to go first when this is all your idea?”
Luna smiled at him innocently and replied, “That way if there are any loose rocks or giants I won't have to worry about it”
Ron's eyes grew wide. “Did you say giants? If there are giants there is no way I'm climbing up it!”
Luna sighed. “Ron, you were around Hagrid for years and you met his brother so you should have no problems at all.”
Ron retorted, “Hagrid was only half giant and I wasn't alone when I saw his brother. Now for the last time I am not climbing this mountain.” Twenty minutes later Ron was climbing the mountain and Luna was behind him. She was reading the latest issue of the Quibbler.
Ron stumbled over rocks, and continually ended up face down in the snow. Luna, however, who had her eyes on the magazine, was walking smoothly and effortlessly through the rough trail Ron had made. Ron grumbled as they continued on. “Stupid Quibbler...stupid Luna...stupid feather of a silver dog...stupid snow...stupid mountain...stupid Harry...stupid-”
But Luna interrupted him. “Ron,” she said casually. “You stepped on the feather.” Ron looked down and saw nothing. Then he picked up his foot and saw, underneath his shoe was...a feather?
“What?” Ron cried. “You were right?”
“Of course I was,” Luna said brightly. “This is great! The prophecy was right!”
“Wha?” Ron asked, confused. “What prophecy?”
“Oh, here: 'The one with red hair and many freckles will be the one to find the feather of a silver dog beneath his shoe,'” Luna recited. “'He who has slain many a vampire with his teeth will be the one to find the feather of a silver dog beneath his shoe.'“
“Er, Luna?” Ron said. “I haven't slain any vampires, let alone with my teeth.”
“Of course you have, silly!” Luna said with a wave of her hand.
Confused and tired Ron asked, “Now what do we do?”
Luna looked up from the Quibbler. “We continue up of course and then go down the other side.” Ron waited for more hoping she would tell him what crazy thing they'd go looking for next, but she said nothing. They spent the rest of the day climbing and when it got dark Luna closed her magazine. “We will sleep here” So pulling out a small little box she set it on the ground and tapped it twice before stepping back. Inside the tent was a large king sized bed, a kitchen with stove, a bathroom, and this one even had a television. Ron was smiling as he looked around but then frowned.
“If you had this the whole time why did you make me build you an igloo?”
Luna grinned. “I've always wanted to live in an igloo for a couple of days, and I knew you'd make me one if I asked.”
“Why do you think that?” Ron asked incredulously.
“Because you love me,” Luna said with a smile.
Then she went off to the kitchen and started stewing tomatoes.
Ron stood there for a moment, completely frozen in surprise. “I…what?”
“You love me,” Luna replied over her shoulder, as if she was telling Ron to grab a spoon.
“No I don’t!” Ron cried.
“Yes you do,” Luna yelled back.
“Where’s your proof?” Ron roared.
“I don’t need it!” Luna said. “I know everything.”
“Yeah, everything but about relationships,” Ron muttered. He then tried to chuck a potato at her that he had borrowed from Harry, but she simply repelled it and Ron ended up going to sleep with a rather nasty bump on his forehead.
When Ron woke up Luna had gotten up before him again and he smelled...normal food? Ron smelled eggs and ham. “Luna, are you making eggs and ham?”
He heard Luna reply, “Yup, and the eggs are special you'll love it!” After Ron heard that he got nervous, hoping she didn't do anything to the food. After another 5 minutes she grabbed a large bell and rang it multiple times. When she was finished his ears were still ringing.
“What did you do that for?”
Luna frowned, “Ron you're in a house, use your indoor voice.” Ron sat down at the table and looked down and saw... green eggs and ham? Ron looked at her in horror.
“Luna, there is no way I'm eating green eggs!”
Luna sighed. “I'll just take your ham and eggs and leave it out for the dogs then.”
Ron frowned, “I still want the ham just not the eggs.”
Luna smirked. “You either have both or none.” Ron pushed his dish away, but his stomach seemed to disagree with this action and began to growl. After another five minutes he brought the dish back to him and began to eat.
“I knew you’d love it!” Luna cried with happiness as she observed Ron’s grimacing face. “When we get married, I’ll make this for you every morning.” Ron spit out his food.
“Excuse me? Get married? We’re not even dating, let alone engaged. We’re a long way from there.” Luna giggled. “What?” Ron asked. “What is it?”
“You just admitted you like me,” Luna said happily.
“WHAT?” Ron said. “When?”
“If you’re too stupid to see it,” Luna replied, smiling, “I’m not going to tell you. Now, go and finish your breakfast so that you can make me a nice lemonade.”
Ron, who decided to ignore the love statement, asked her, “Why do you want a lemonade in Minsk? It’s cold out here.”
“Don’t be thick,” she told him. “Heat it up over the stove.”
Ron finished the green eggs and ham, and it was actually delicious. That wasn't something he was planning on admitting any time soon though. Ron then made her a glass of lemonade and went over to the stove to heat it, but noticed there were no knobs. “Luna, how do you-”
Luna interrupted. “Magic,” she said, while pointing to her wand. Turning red, Ron turned around and started up the stove. When he felt it was warm enough he was about to bring it to her, but she held up her hand.
For the first time she gave him an evil grin. “You have to put your maid outfit on.”
Ron, confused at first, asked, “What outfit?”
Still wearing that evil grin she said, “Your maid outfit.”
Before Ron could ask any more questions, there was a puff of smoke, and he was in…a French maid’s outfit. “Luna!” he cried out. “Why?”
“Because you look cute,” Luna said with a smile. “And sexy.” Ron blushed and then turned back and forth.
“Aw, thanks…” He then realized what he had said. “I mean, HOW DARE YOU! REMOVE IT THIS INSTANT!” Luna stared at him.
“Are you sure that’s what you want?”
Ron stared at her. “Of course it’s…” Then he realized what would happen if this costume was removed. “No. NO! Don’t you dare! NO!” He then turned back to the lemonade, forgetting his mental note about how being a wizard could be of help to him.
Picking it up he began to walk over but Luna held her hand up again. “What's wrong now?”
Acting very serious she said, “Ron, that isn't how a French maid would walk. You have to mean it. Go back to the stove and try again.” So Ron tried again...and again. By the time Ron walked the way Luna wanted him to the lemonade was cold. “Go reheat it.” So Ron had to walk back to the stove, reheat it, and walk back to her. When she got the drink he went to go change and when he came back he noticed Luna hadn't drank any of it.
Ron said with a frown, “I thought you wanted heated lemonade....”
Luna looked up at him, “I hate lemonade.”
Furious Ron shouted, “Then why the Hell did you make me go through all of that if your not even going to drink it?”
She smiled at him. “Because I knew you'd look sexy in the maid outfit and you love me.”
Ron replied, “You thought I looked sexy in THAT?” Ron noticed she was still smiling “What?”
Luna's smile got bigger. “You just admitted you love me.”
“How is thinking I don’t look sexy in a French maid’s outfit admitting I have feelings for you?” Ron asked, confused by Luna’s philosophy.
“Ron, Ron, Ron,” Luna said with a smile. “You were using code words. I’m not stupid.”
“Are you sure?” Ron growled.
Luna was nonplussed. “Of course I’m sure. Ginny told me all about it.”
Ron made a mental note that after he finished with Harry he’d have to kill Ginny. Stupid, desperate, Harry-love-seeking, liar. Or, she would be in so much trouble for this. SO MUCH TROUBLE. Ron sighed as he flung a potato at himself, knocking himself out. That’s the way he liked his life. Non-existent.
Waking up in the morning he found himself back in the bed, but Luna was still asleep since he had his arm draped over her... “AHHHHH!” Ron jumped up and was panting while Luna slowly opened her eyes.
She smiled at him. “Good morning.” Ron mumbled, “Hello.” Luna continued.
“Since I made you breakfast yesterday and I've been making your meals today you have to cook for me.” Ron couldn't argue that because it was true so he nodded his head and headed towards the kitchen Ron suddenly heard a pop and looked down to see he was in his French maid's outfit again. He glared at Luna and she giggled.
I can't believe I am wearing this thing again. I'll get her back one of these days. Ron finished making her waffles with syrup and brought it to the bed. Luna finished every crumb and rang a bell. When Ron came in Luna was grinning.
“You responded to the bell, you're a good maid.” Ron blushed.
“I thought something was wrong...and stop calling me your maid!” Although Ron wasn't her maid he still took the tray with the dishes and washed it. Luna was watching him and smiling the whole time.
“What now?” Ron asked, exasperated.
“Ron loves me!” Luna sang, doing a jig. “Ron loves me!”
“Ron does not love you!” Ron said. “And Ron needs to learn to speak in the first person…”
Luna laughed and then tried to kiss him, but Ron shakily stepped aside.
“Look, for one thing, I’m in a French maid’s outfit. This isn’t exactly the best time.”
“See, you do love me,” Luna said, fluttering her eyelashes.
Ron turned red. “You didn’t let me finish!”
Ron stuttered. “I don’t remember! Thanks a lot.” He then began grumbling about stupid females and how they were always annoying.
So changing out of the maid outfit he saw Luna, she was sitting on the right side of the loveseat watching the television. Since the only other place to sit was the left side he plopped himself down. Luna turned her head to the side. “Can I kiss you now, maid?” Ron looked at her with wide eyes.
“No, you can't kiss me now!”
She replied with a simple, “Why?”
Ron answered, “B-because I'm....I'm.....watching the TV! Yes, I am watching the TV so I can't kiss you right now.” Luna looked disappointed for a second but then grinned again. She leaned to the left so she could rest her head on Ron. Ron, who was now crimson, didn't say a word. They watched the television for most of the afternoon until it was dinner. Luna made a wonderful dinner of salad and chips with the option of gravy.
Luna then put her head in Ron’s lap, and Ron immediately jumped up. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” he asked her in surprise.
Luna looked up, smiling. “I’m sleeping.”
“On my lap?”
“Yep,” Luna said. And with that, she grabbed Ron, pulled him down with force Ron didn’t know she had, and laid her head back on his lap. Ron was frozen in shock. Since when did Luna have more strength than the Gryffindor Quidditch team put together?
Not wanting to wake her up Ron watched her sleep. She looks so fragile...why am I thinking that? Why am I thinking a lot of things that I shouldn't be thinking about Luna? His thoughts were interrupted by Luna's mumbling.
Listening closely he heard Luna mumble, “My Won-Won....” Ron then looked down at her with curiosity instead of fear. I wonder what she is dreaming about? Did I hear her wrong or did she mention me? Ron wasn't able to think about it anymore for his mind had filled with thoughts of sleep and soon he was out like a light.
Finally, Luna awoke. “Er, Luna?” Ron asked. “Were you dreaming about me?”
“No,” Luna replied. “Why?”
“Because you said 'My Won-Won.'”
“Oh!” Luna said with a laugh. “That's because our next journey is to find the Won-Won. I want one as my centerpiece. I think it will go with my interior design.”
Ron stared at her. “You're an interior designer?”
Luna laughed. “Ron, you're so funny.” Ron gave her a questioning look but she didn't say anything to explain. Luna served cereal for breakfast, Funny Bunch of Goats. Ron was going to question it but decided it is better not to. Once Ron and Luna finished breakfast Ron was about to watch some TV when Luna said, “We're leaving; it's time we go to the other side of the mountains so I can get my Won-Won.” Ron then put all of his stuff in his bag and went outside to a waiting Luna. She tapped it twice and it shrunk again. Luna looked at Ron and grinned. “You first.”
Ron began muttering again but obliged. He climbed around the mountain, huffing and puffing, while Luna continued a nice paced jog the whole day. Ron stared at her in disbelief. How could she do that? He decided to ignore it (thought it was hard - it was starting to get annoying) and concentrate on finding a place to rest. Finally, he found a flat area and pointed it out to Luna. She, however, in return pointed to a sharp point on top of a mountain. “That would be a good place to stop.”
Ron stared at her. “You want us to sleep there?”
Luna replied, “Sleep? I'm just getting warmed up, that point would be a good place to stop and get a nice view.”
Ron looked at her in disbelief. “You aren't planning on going to sleep yet? Well I'm tired and need to rest so can we please stop here?”
Luna then frowned. “If you want to, but this is where the giants will come later.”
Ron instantly perked up. “Giants? Here? Maybe, if you're not too tired that is...we could keep going?”
Luna smiled. “That is an excellent idea. In fact I say we keep going without stopping until we reach the bottom.
Ron ran the fasted he had ever ran in his life. Luna snickered, knowing that the giant idea had been brilliant. Ron was so afraid of them that he'd do anything for her. She laughed happily. Boys were so hopelessly gullible. She then began to hum the tune to “Three Blind Mice,” thinking of how well it fit Ron.
Although Ron was running very fast somehow when Ron had made it halfway down and paused Luna was almost right behind him. Out of breath Ron asked, “Do you think we are away from them?”
Luna responded, “I'm sure, why don't you ask them?” Before Ron could ask what she meant he heard a battle cry coming from the mountain. With new energy Ron continued down and Luna followed.
Luna thought to herself, Again, pure genius. He's too freaked out to realize that I created that battle cry. And, doing a very un-Luna thing, she cried out, “MUAHAHAHAHAHA!” which made Ron stop in his tracks and turn around to goggle at her. Luna acted as if nothing had happened and continued on, reminding Ron of the giants who probably liked red heads for their afternoon tea.
Because of Ron's fast pace they were able to make it to the bottom just like she had planned all along. Luna then set up the tent again while Ron was catching is breath and looking up at the mountain for any signs of giants. Once in the tent Ron grinned and said, “I'm going to sleep.”
Luna's response was, “I still get the right side!” Cursing under his breath, he hopped onto the bed and was soon asleep.
Ron soon awoke, muttering to himself that he didn't like the left side. Left side was for losers. Luna, who was up and making tea, said, “I know. That's why I took the right. Because I'm a winner.” She smiled broadly at him.
“Right...” Ron said uncertainly, not sure if he was up to insulting her again. He decided that he was too tired and accepted the cup of tea from Luna. The minute he drank it however, he was in a trance. He hadn't been aware that Luna had slipped some Veritaserum into his cup.
Luna then began asking questions about girls, first general then she narrowed in on Hermione before focusing on herself. “Who are you traveling with right now?”
Ron replied, “Luna Lovegood.”
“Are you having fun?”
“Do you like the French maid's outfit?”
“No, but Luna wants me to wear it so I will.”
“Do you like Luna?”
“Yes, I am falling in love with her.”
Luna then grinned like a maniac. “Do you ever think about Luna?”
“I think about her very often.”
Luna's last question was the one she would use for later. “Would you kiss Luna if you had the chance?”
Ron paused for a second before answering. “Yes, I would.”
Luna wrote down his answer and grinned. Now the fun will begin...
Like, dislike? Please give your reviews!
Write a Review Complete and Utter Randomness (The Musical): The Adventures of Ron and Luna