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Complete and Utter Randomness (The Musical) by Hermione_Crookshanks
Chapter 2 : Wood, Polish, and How to Get a Great Bargain
Rating: 15+Chapter Reviews: 26

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Well, this one is longer and more random than the rest... please don't be insulted by our treatment of Ginny *laughs* Remember. Totally random. I do not own Harry Potter or any other characters. That is all Rowling's.


"Dear Minerva," Hermione wrote, biting her tongue with her teeth. She hesitated. How should she continue with this letter? "Once you remove the stick from up your ass I'd like for us to have a meeting about issues occurring with the 7th years."

Yes, that was the way to continue it, Hermione thought, polite and diplomatic. That was why she was the Head Girl, after all.

Pleased with herself she headed down the stairs of the girls dormitory...but then fell because a first year was dared to try to go up by his friends.

"You little..." Hermione screamed. She took out her wand and yelled. "AVADA POTATO!" With this, I am sorry to say, the boy was beaten to death with unripe sweet potatoes. It was not a pretty sight. But that's what you get for trying to get into the girl's dormitory.

Pleased that he learned his lesson and would never try it again she was now looking at a mess of blood and smashed potatoes. She ordered the idiots who had dared the boy to clean it up...That will teach those little jackasses, she thought giddily.

Hermione then "whistled a happy tune," and skipped over to the Great Hall. After all, it had been a great day so far. A nice letter to her transfiguration Professor and the violent death of a first year - how could it get better?

Muttering to herself about the way certain people never did that in their books and really should otherwise the runts would never learn she went over to her house table for a nice breakfast. Killing someone with the Avada Potato curse does take a lot of energy. What she saw at the table did not make her happy because instead of the normal breakfast they had....

Wood. Polished oak to be exact. Hermione stared at her plate. What were they thinking? She wasn't a beaver any longer! Not since the fourth book, which was when, she felt, her character had slowly unraveled... But anyway, back to the wood. Hermione stared at this wood, as if willing it to change into porridge. Of course, she had forgotten, in her "wooden breakfast angst," that she was a witch, and ended up just eating her poor excuse for a breakfast. She thought about how lucky she was that this wood was polished, or else her tongue would have been covered in splinters.

Although the wood was polished it didn't stop pieces of it getting stuck in her teeth. When the others came down and saw her and what was at the table half screamed bloody murder running as fast as they could, the other students were still creeped out a bit and simply transfigured their breakfast. Although the others at her table didn't mind for when Pansy walked by she happened to be grinning at Harry.

Screaming bloody murder she tried to run away but fell over her fancy robes, which she had inherited from Malfoy... Definitely a good day, thought Hermione.

Hermione then drank deeply from her goblet (which happened to be filled with polish), and then headed over to transfiguration, as it was her first class of the day and she wanted to see if had received her letter yet.

Being on a first name basis with a teacher has its perks...unless you use their first name in front of other students. She had made that mistake and had quickly learned McGonagall didn't like it at all. Walking into the room McGonagall watched her take her seat, but because other students were coming she didn't say anything. After saying what they were going to work on she passed out their most recent essay they were asked to write. This was when she said to Hermione in a whisper, “Granger, see me after class.” Guessing this was going to involve the meeting she asked to have with her Hermione nodded her head and smiled. Professor McGonagall almost had a heart attack.

Hermione easily transfigured Ron into a lamp (which Harry ACCIDENTALLY flung with all his force at the stone wall), and was thrilled when McGonagall awarded her 256 points to Gryffindor for her success. So happy, was Hermione, that she struck up another tune. This time it was, "Hedwig's Theme." Harry stared at her, annoyed, and informed her that was HIS theme music. Hermione shrugged and continued humming. When Harry started to really get angry, Hermione transfigured him into a pillow, and then hugged him to her body.

Harry wasn't happy about her stealing his theme music or turning him into a pillow, but once she was hugging him to her body he realized he LOVED it and she could hum his theme anytime.

The fact that Ron was a broken lamp in the corner who could do nothing about it made it that much sweeter. That is until Hermione bit him! Her stained teeth with wood peices went right into where his butt would have been.

Hermione is lucky I can't scream right now, thought Harry. But then, as he thought more about it, Hermione was BITING him. Him. Harry. Her mouth was around his butt. He smiled (well, thought about smiling), in a way that, had Hermione known, she would have flung him over to join Ron. But luckily for him, he was a pillow, and had no facial expressions what-so-ever.

The fact that Ron was a broken lamp in the corner who could do nothing about it made it that much sweeter. That is until Hermione bit him!!! Her stained teeth with wood pieces went right into where his butt would have been.

Hermione is lucky I can't scream right now, thought Harry. But then, as he thought more about it, Hermione was BITING him. Him. Harry. Her mouth was around his butt. He smiled (well, thought about smiling), in a way that, had Hermione known, she would have flung him over to join Ron. But luckily for him, he was a pillow, and had no facial expressions what-so-ever.

Hermione continued to knaw on it until McGonagall saw what she was doing and once figured it out asked her to turn him back immediately...after bargaining for 5 more minutes she turned him back.

'That's going to leave a mark,' thought Harry as he could feel the bruise forming on his left buttocks... 'But she bit my butt. This is the happiest day of my life!". Hermione meanwhile was completely oblivious and was now making a tower out of some pencils which she had transfigured using some of the kids in the class.

Finally, the bell rung, and all the students left. Well, everyone but Hermione and tower of pencils. Hermione threw the pencils at the ground and ran to "Oh! Professor McGonagall! Did you get my letter? Did ya? Did ya did ya did ya? ANSWER ME GOD DAMNIT YOU LITTLE..."

Minerva's hand went up to silence her and the look on her face shut up the head girl immediatly. "Yes, that rude letter you sent me this morning, I did get it. Sadly though you were half right, I do have something up my butt but it is not a stick....well some refer to it......ANYWAYS!!! What are these issues concerning the 7th years that you needed to discuss with me?"

Hermione meanwhile was thinking 'I knew there was something up her ass, I'm not the smartest girl in our year for nothing....TEE HEE!!!' Realizing Minerva had stopped talking she began to explain why she had this meeting...."

"Well, you see," Hermione said, "it's not the seventh years really. It's the seventh year boys. They're all HITTING on me. And it was really cute and adorable how I could get shagged about three times a day, but now it's just getting boring, and I'd like them all off my back. I can't be at the top of my class if they're all snogging me." Hermione explained all of this to as if it she was explaining how to peel carrots. "In addition, I think Snape has got a...thing...for you," she added with a whisper. She then tee-heed in a way that reminded McGonagall of Lavender. Oh, this would surely be a migraine day.

McGonagall gave her a pitying look "You poor girl. I will try to get the boys off your back, but their may be some that are a little more...persistent. Simply give them detention and deduct points if they continue and it is unwanted. One more thing..." at this the volume of her voice decreased greatly..."Does Snape really have a thing for me?!". Hermione enjoying this moment nodded her head and released another Tee-hee which for some reason had always bothered this specific professor greatly. Watching Hermione for a minute considering taking points from her but couldn't because she was her favorite she responded "Well you can tell Snape that he is a little too late and I am now with someone" In a quieter voice "Tell him to meet me here at not tell anyone about this Hermio....Ms.Granger. I am trusting you to deliver the message". Hermione already thinking of who she should tell and where to set up the magical cameras she nodded her head and said "I swear."

Hermione then galloped out of the room and crashed into her one true love. Wait, no. That wasn't Harry. That was Ron. Hermione rolled her eyes as she pushed him aside to find Harry. She squealed and yelled at the top of her voice, "McGonagall and Snape have a thing for each other! I could sing!" Harry raised his eyebrow. Yes, he understood her want to sing when Malfoy had received detention in first year, but to do so for the oh so wrong and oh so disgusting I can't get it out of my head it's haunting me late into night relationship (possibly sexual relationship) between McGonagall and Snape? That was just disturbing.

But then Harry began to think: The perfect blackmail. The perfect way to revenge his father and Sirius and have a good laugh in the process, maybe even forcing the professor to give him house points.

'This is perfect! How will I record it? Hermione of course!’ Running to catch up with her (which was difficult since she was skipping through the halls at a fast pace) he managed to make her stop near Moaning Myrtle's bathroom...'God that is such a dirty name for a bathroom. It sounds sick!!!' Harry then turned to face her and said, "Hermione I need your help."

Hermione looked at him, then smiled and said, "You always need my help. Whether it's with Voldie..." Harry stared at her. Voldie? Since when did she call Voldemort " Voldie?"

"...or Voldie," Hermione continued, "...or er, Voldie... Anyways, what will I get in return, a pat on the back while you get all of the footage?" Hermione did indeed know exactly what he was talking about and she wasn't going to come out of this one empty handed. Harry looked at her in shock....

What can I do?! I know...I'll say that I'll go out with her! I win both ways since I like Hermione a lot and I get the footage!

"I'll go out with you!" Harry screamed.

Hermione smirked at him. "Do you seriously think that my pure intellectual genius is worth a date with you?" Secretly, she wanted to go out with him, but the thing to bargaining (and gambling, in case anyone was interested), is to not let your boy out what you really want. In this way could you get anything you ever wanted, and possibly more; for example, a toilet seat.

But then she began to think 'If I agree I won't have to worry about the other guys hitting on me, will definitely have access to the footage AND I get to go on a date with him' She couldn't let him know that so she started off saying "I'm not sure Harry, would I REALLY benefit from that...." Pretending to consider the look on his face she said "Fine, I can see how much you want it, but you have to guarantee me a copy of the footage and be near me all the time..."

Harry Heard the last part and instantly asked, “Why?”

“Because...” Damn it. "…because I don't want those other guys hitting on me! Is it a deal or not?"

Harry shook his head. "No, no. I know why you want to go out with me. Because I'm charming, good looking, and face it, I'm every girl's dream. What I want to know is why you want in on my action. I mean...c'mon. It's my action!" Harry whined the last part.

Looking at him with displeasure, she replied, "No way Harry, this is mine and you’re not getting away with taking it away from me this time! I am going to be in on it and I am going to get most of the credit and YOU are going to act like the good little bitch you are and tag along, use it for whatever you want, and hang around me 24/7.” She decided to avoid the first part of his sentence because she wasn't going to tell him how she really felt....'that would give him more ammunition!', so looking at him she said, “And what about YOU?! You are the one who came up with the idea of us going out on a date. Do you know why you did? Because I am smart, I've saved your ass more times than you can count, and I am good looking.”

Harry sputtered. What the Hell was going on here? Had Rowling managed to mess up Hermione even more than the last random story? First Voldie, now a wood eating, demanding, glory seeking, delusional Hermione? No way. Uh, uh. After all, Hermione may be hot, but really. No hotness could compare to the boy who lived, the chosen one, Mr. Harry Potter.

Deciding though that catching Snape doing who-knows-what (he had three guesses and he wasn't counting the first two), he was forced to just look at her, not shaking or nodding his head. After a minute of silence...well almost silence (Hermione was humming...AGAIN). So anyways, after the minute of almost-silence-between-the-two-except-for-Hermione's-humming, Harry said, "So is it a deal?"

Hermione stopped humming and looked up. "If you agree to the terms then yes, it is a deal." Harry then got an evil grin on his face

"Then let us start planning."

Hermione opened her mouth to begin to speak but he immediately cut her off. "I know you want to go to the library, go on ahead, I'll meet you in a bit." For some reason though Hermione looked up at him the same way she would have looked at an alien.... or Dudley

“What are you talking about?! I am going down to eat in the Great Hall. Also, YOU are coming with me because I am not letting you out of grabbing distance."

So, grabbing the sleeve to his arm, she tugged him down to the Great Hall.

On their way to the Great Hall, Hermione knocked down two bowling pins. Wait, no. That was Dobby and Winky. Hermione was about to apologize when she noticed that they were snogging. Hermione began screaming at the two while Harry scratched his head. He had been so certain that he had murdered Winky already... This thought was blown from his mind, however, as he realized why Hermione was mad. "YOU MADE OUT WIITH SOMEONE ELSE?!" she screamed at Winky. "DID OUR PASSION MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?" Harry, disgusted by this, and also extremely jealous, transfigured a potato he was holding into a knife and then jabbed it in and out of Winky in various places.

Apparently though Dobby didn't care because the last thing he saw was Dobby dragging her into the nearby closet and already pulling down his little pants...that isn't something he could use to blackmail anyone with though so he continued walking with Hermione wondering when Dobby became!! First Mrs. Norris and now a dead Winky. He smiled as he continued to walk with Hermione.

Hermione, on the other hand, now had other things to worry about. Her last thought on Winky was, Harry killed Winky ‘cause he was jealous...oh well. She deserved it and he scored some major points in my book.

She reached the Great Hall with Harry. She normally heard a rude comment by at least one male, but this time she heard none. Instead she saw them all looking at Harry, unsure of what it meant and knowing not to insult her in front of him. Once seated and shooing Ron away she began to think, How the hell am I going to pull this off? I better finish fast so I can go look up the spell and cast the charm.

Harry on the other hand wasn't eating; he was too excited about finally busting Snape. This is it, Hermione is going to serve his ass to me on a platter...I love that girl... Realizing what he just thought he added to himself, AS A FRIEND!...

Much to Harry’s disappointment, Hermione left the Great Hall for the library. Once there, she began randomly picking out books to find out how to charm a video camera to work in Hogwarts. The books she chose included, “How to Feed a Great Big Snake,” “When You Know You’ve Let Your Antlers Grow too High,” “How to Measure a Carrot,” “Carrot Peeling (For Dummies),” and “Most Potent Potions.” Hermione was very upset that none of these books helped her with her task, and, in anger, threw them at Madam Pince, the librarian. Madam Pince on any normal occasion would have thrown Hermione out of the library, but considering she was unconscious, this was a little hard to do.

Harry soon joined her, remembering the deal, and grabbed the book, "How to Transfigure Objects into a Camera in Order to Blackmail your Least Favorite Teacher.” He showed this to her.

"Maybe this one will help you?"

Hermione looked at it closely. "That might work...I'm not sure, I'm sure it isn't too hard and since I'm decent in transfiguration…” (in reality she had over a 100%). Taking a look through the book she quickly found what she was looking for; it would record 10 hours of what was going on and detect body heat so it would never be pointing at hair. There was no escaping it. She grinned and quickly practiced it, aiming for Harry, but he was apparently expecting it, because he lifted a book up and it turned into a camera. Smiling at her creation she smiled and found the invisibility charm to use on it and quickly casted the charm, once again, working perfectly. "I got it, but we better hurry up otherwise Mine...Professor McGonagall will return or students will go in there for... a snog.” Quickly they put the books away. Harry laughed at Madam Prince while others were snogging in the library while they had the chance. They headed for McGonagall's classroom.

"Can you feel the secretive, discreet, sneaky, genius, ideas of Hermione Granger tonight?" Hermione sang... "Under a camera...under a camera... dahling it's better, under a camera, take it from me!" Harry stared at her and rolled his eyes. This must be another out of character Hermione moment. He tried to take advantage of this by running away so he could get his footage, but Hermione instinctively held tight on Harry's sleeve. Harry didn't dare pull any harder for fear that he might rip his shirt. God knows what destruction that could cause.

Getting close to her so she wouldn't wrinkle his shirt anymore, he put his arm around her waist for two reasons. The first being so she would NEVER grab his shirt again, or at least not that day. The second reason was he was dying to do it and she seemed so busy singing that she hardly realized what he was doing until they had made it to the classroom. She stopped singing "A-cuna-my-camera" once they reached their destination and instantly became alert.

"Harry you should have grabbed your cloak or at least your map!" Harry got a little annoyed.

"I would have but a certain SOMEONE was too busy singing to listen to anything I wanted to say, and plus we don't have a lot of time lets just do that, and stop wrinkling my shirt!!" Hermione had once again grabbed on to his shirt to make sure he didn't go too far in.

"My plan, my magic, so I get to set it up the cameras. You can be the watch dog, bark if someone is coming."

Harry looked at her shocked, "You expect me to actually bark?!"

"Yes I do."

She then left him standing out there before he could respond.

While she set up the cameras, another thought came to her. “Hey, Harry!” She called.

“What?” Harry asked, clearly annoyed.

“Bark like a Chihuahua, okay?”


“A CHIHUAHUA! BARK LIKE IT! Remember, my magic, my rules. Follow it, or die!”

Harry didn’t dare say anything. Knowing Hermione, in this… could you call it a “state”?…he didn’t doubt that she would try to brutally murder her. Maybe even with the Avada Spinach… Harry shuddered at the thought.

Not only was the Avada Spinach deadly it would leave some serious stains on his shirt and he'd NEVER let that happen. So agreeing to do what she said with a quick "Fine" (Hermione then made him do a practice bark clearly enjoying herself) he prayed no one would come down this hallway for he did not want to bark again for Hermione, let alone another teacher or student. He would get in trouble and it would hurt his reputation...Of course it would be worth it!

Once Hermione finished setting up the characters, she dragged Harry to the common room. The next morning they would collect the cameras. Meanwhile, Hermione was going to have some fun…

She led Harry over to a dictionary.

“What’s going on?” Harry blanched.

Hermione brought out a box and announced, “SCRABBLE TIME!”

Harry stared at it. “But, er, Hermione? That’s a checkers box.”

Hermione shrugged. “Use your imagination. It’s the key to everything.”

78 minutes later, and Hermione was winning with 1.6 million points with words such as “laskahittydaflash,”) while Harry was at zero, as, apparently, “cat,” and “hat,” were not acceptable Scrabble words.

"Harry it has to be 8 letters or more!" Harry looked at the board with all the hate he could muster.

"I HATE Scrabble!"

Hermione looked at him with an innocent face. "We could play Trivial will be about the questions on the N.E.W.T.S."
Harry looked at her in horror "What are you?! Rowling has you in character!”

Hermione looked at him an evil grin..."I know what we will play. Go get Ginny while I conjure up tomatoes and 2 tennis rackets." Harry had nothing better to do and decided it was better than the first two options so he complied.

Once Ginny arrived, Hermione took the tennis racket, tossed the tomato into the air, and smashed the tomato towards Ginny with such force and accuracy that Pete Sampras would have been extremely proud (if not a tad scared). Hermione smiled as she continued doing this, and Harry soon followed suit. Hey, what could they say? Throwing red tomatoes at a red head was fun.

Apparently Hermione had some anger towards Ginny and apparently had the hots for Harry. Ginny was gagged so she couldn't scream or speak but Hermione could.

“You want his babies now?" Hermione asked, chucking tomatoes at her. For some reason though Harry couldn't stop laughing at the way Hermione was acting and it made him like her even more, if it was possible... Continuing to hit Ginny with the tomatoes (by this point they had set up a scoring system, hit her nose 50 points, etc.) he looked at Hermione and smiled seeing she was having a wonderful time.

However Hermione, being the reasonable person she is, realized how cruel this was. She untied Ginny and led her to her dormitory where all the other 6th year girls could laugh at her. Oh, yes. Very compassionate and sensitive was Hermione Granger.

Well she deserved it. This was the thought running through Hermione's mind as she dropped her off and everyone laughed at her. At least neither of us lit her hair on fire like last time. "TEE-HEE!!!" Checking her watch she realized they'd had so much fun it was already 2 or 3! I wonder if they are done yet? She then went back down to voice her thoughts to Harry and to make sure he didn't get too far away.

“Harry, m’dear,” she said, “do you think Snape and Minerva…er…McGonagall are done with their little rendezvous?” She fluttered her eyes at him. Harry didn’t understand why she did this. To be quite truthful, neither did Hermione, but she thought it was a lot of fun.

Harry looked at her like she'd grown a second head after she fluttered her eyes and answered, "The longer they take the more blackmail I have...I think they will be done by 6" Hermione looked at him and suddenly got an idea.

"Well in that case while we wait..." She was walking towards him slowly and he wasn't exactly sure what she was doing, but if it was what he thought she was doing for once he was happy Rowling had her out of character. "Let's play sing along!"

Harry groaned. “No, Hermione. That is out of the question. NO.” Hermione, however, ignored him and began singing.

“Look at this stuff? Isn’t it neat? Wouldn’t you think my brain is complete? Wouldn’t you say I’m the girl…the girl who knows everything?… Who is that girl I see? Staring straight, back at me? When will my reflection show, the nose pierced girl inside?”

Harry gave up after she started singing, "A Whole New Film," which by the lyrics clearly implied she was planning on making a video of this and selling it to the school, and as Head Girl and best friend of The-Boy-Who-Wanted-Hermione…LIVED, Boy-Who-Lived, would be able to sell them to almost every student and no one would know the original source and even if they did who would believe them? She loved being Head Girl...awesome bath, private room, and all the power she could ever want. Also, Harry acting like her boyfriend made her life seem perfect.


Thanks for reading and please review!


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