Disclaimer: I don’t own Harry Potter, JK Rowling does. Big surprise I’m sure.
A/N: Edited as of 2 May 2011.
Chapter 11: Denial, Revisited
At the age of seventeen-years -old Sirius Black had a near death experience.
It was his own fault for breaking into the girls dormitory and trying to steal their underwear but he figured there was no way he would ever get caught. After all, he was Sirius Black, Master of Disguise and Trickery.
But even the Master of Disguise and Trickery nearly died from a heart attack the second Evans charged into the girls dorm and started pacing, apparently not noticing that there was a boy (specifically, the one she threatened daily with decapitation or at the very least a good hair cut), frozen in fear with his hand in her underwear drawer.
His heart began to beat again when he realised she hadn't noticed what he was doing and he quickly removed the offending hand and shoved it into his pocket along with the frilly knickers that he'd just gleefully encountered.
"Agrippa, give me strength! What is his problem?" she fumed.
Sirius started to back away slowly, not making any sudden movements that would jolt her into noticing and, consequently, dismembering him. Unfortunately, Sirius had the lack of foresight to tiptoe away backwards in the opposite direction of the door. Since he hadn't the gift of having eyes in the back of his head, he promptly backed straight into a fabric washing bag the size of a small country.
Lily whirled around at his squeal to find Sirius sprawled across the floor amidst a sea of lingerie, sporting a particularly frilly pair of knickers as a hat.
To his immense surprise and bewilderment, she completely ignored the fact that he was drowning in her undergarments and simply continued her raving.
"YOU! You tell me why! Why is he so impossible? Why does he confuse me so much? Surely, he's not that complicated!"
She paused and looked at him expectantly. She actually wanted him to reply, he realised with horror. He had no idea about these things. Why would anyone in their right mind ask him for love advice? Quidditch query? Pranking problem? Chess conundrum? He was your man, but romance? Merlin, he was about as well informed in that area as the Giant Squid. "Erm…grass that grows in our lifetime…expands during the winter…love leads to confusion, which leads to hate which leads to the, erm…dark side?" he finished, confusing himself even further.
She stared at him for a second, before ploughing on, as if he hadn't spoken. "But he's just so odd! I mean, obviously, I don't like him in any conceivable way but he just continues to…" she trailed off when she noticed his raised hand. "Yes?"
Sirius had been thinking hard since his last crash and burn and he knew that he'd now cracked it. He'd finally found something useful to say. "Can I ask you something? Obviously, you like him." He ignored her indignant stutters. "And he likes you. So what's the problem?"
Lily looked stumped, her mouth dropped open and her brow furrowed. "I- I just can't do it, okay?"
Sirius got to his feet and brushed himself off, basking in the knowledge that he'd been brilliant once again. "I don't see what the issue is. Just go up to him and say 'Sirius is brilliant. I love you. Let me have your babies!' Easy!"
"It's not as easy as that. Besides, I don't like him," she said, stubbornly folding her arms.
"Oh, stop it. It's growing tiresome," he said in an off-hand sort of way, enjoying being the sensible, clear-headed one for once in his life.
"Tiresome? TIRESOME? I'll show you tiresome…" She had just taken a threatening step towards him, fists clenched angrily when he froze her with an astonishingly stern look and an upraised hand.
"Stop it right now and sit down," he said sharply, even surprising himself. Suddenly, it was all clear to him. He had to sort it out. He had once forced James to admit to liking her and now he must do the same with her. It seemed to be his purpose in life to continuously sort out their problems even though he could barely control his own life. He was possibly the worse person in the whole world to be dishing out love advice- dammit, even bloody Voldemort would probably have been a better choice- but the one thing he did have was determination. By Merlin, he was going to make her see sense, and leave with a pair of those frilly knickers, even if it killed him!
"Right, let’s go over the facts, shall we? He kissed you. You punched him. Correct?" he shot out his question with the precision of a military commander demanding an immediate response, as he paced the room.
"Yes," Lily replied involuntarily. It was obvious that she couldn't quite understand what was going on due to the fact that she kept pinching herself, checking that she wasn't actually dreaming.
"Why did you punch him?"
She gulped, and the shock of Sirius not acting like an idiot and actually taking charge of a situation made her blurt out, "Because he didn't mean it. It was just to embarrass me."
Sirius paused and stared at her, pityingly. "Evans, that was no prank." As he saw her pale, he added in what he thought was a comforting afterthought, "But it was a good punch, though."
Lily had paled. "He- he meant it?"
"Yes, he did, my misguided cherry blossom." He ignored her expression and moved onto the next point. "Next were the notes he sent you. Around two hundred in total, as I recall. What was your response to these love tokens?"
She bowed her head and mumbled something unintelligible.
"What was that?" Sirius asked loudly.
"Okay, okay, I kind of burnt them all…" she trailed off and averted her gaze.
"And?" he poked.
"I roasted marshmallows over them, alright?" she snapped, then began to wave her arms to articulate her point. "I thought he was just being mean! I hated him for that."
Sirius grinned to himself as he recalled the next point in case, the one that happened to be his favourite. "James composed a wonderfully beautiful song just for you and sung it for your pleasure, accompanied by a most accomplished backing band. And what did you do?"
Lily's face heated with remembered indignation and she stood up to face him. "Hey, he brought that on himself, you can't blame me-"
"Can't blame you? Who landed James in the Hospital Wing for a bloody WEEK?!" Sirius demanded, incredulously. "You threw a damn brick at him!"
"It was not a brick, it was only a piece of stationary. Is it my fault that he exaggerates every little scratch-" Lily denied furiously, her voice getting louder and more vehement with each word.
"Stationary? Is that what you call a paperweight the size of a baby elephant?"
"I think it was well within my rights as a human being to shut him up! He was singing badly and extremely loudly at three in the morning on a school night accompanied by the worst backing band I’ve ever heard!" she yelled and Sirius took an insulted step backwards. "And for your information, Potter did not compose 'Love Me Tender'."
With that Lily sent him a furious glare, stomped from the room and slammed the door behind her, leaving an extremely smug boy proudly congratulating himself on convincing her of her errors and managing to get away with-
"And put those knickers back where you found them, pervert!"
Friday 17th January
What's wrong with me? Seriously. I must be deranged. Why can't our conversations go like this:
Me: Hello, I like you.
James: I like you too.
Me: Wonderful! My life is perfect happiness.
Instead, invariably it goes like this:
James: Hi, Li-
Me: If you haven't left my sight in five seconds I shall kill you in a most unpleasant manner.
Me: Five. Four. Three.
James: runs away down corridor.
I can't help it. I cannot be nice to him. It’s physically and cosmically impossible. Pride just won't let me do it. He was right. I like him, always have. He wins. And since when did James Potter win against Lily Evans?
He really likes me. It wasn't a prank. I don't know what to do now. Be nicer to him? I can't do nice, even to my friends. But I'll try.
Or, an easier option- assassinate him. Then goodbye feelings, hello happiness!
New List of People to Murder/Dismember/Torture with Tweezers (Truly the Most Painful Muggle Invention Ever)
James Potter Sirius Black
Shall have to work on expanding that list.
P.S. Just thought- its really saying something when I forget to put Voldemort before The Stupid Boys.
A/N: Thanks for all the wonderful reviews (mostly from crazy people, but they're just kindred spirits so I don't mind). Sorry for the long wait but I had a spate of writers block, have been working full time for the past 2 months and have about 5 stories on the go…not that that’s an excuse. Anyway, hope you enjoyed this chapter- review please!! Hannibal is on the prowl…