Chapter 1 : The Boy Who Lived and Then Was Dropped In A River By Accident and Needed To Be Replaced
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-----------The Boy Who Lived------------
“Where have you been?!” Minerva McGonagall fumed, changing from a cat into a very prickly old woman. “You should have been here an hour ago!” She marched across the dimly lit Privet Drive, and glared at a very old man standing a few feet away. He looked up at her, his eyes red and bloodshot. He looked horrible. It was Albus Dumbledore.
He stood there for a long moment. He seemed to be thinking very hard about something. He opened his mouth, closed it, and then opened it again. Finally he gave a very loud sigh and rubbed his hands over his eyes.
“There’s something I must tell you…” he said, very slowly and rather blurrily. Minerva straightened, feeling tense.
“Yes?” she whispered in anticipation. “Yes, what is it?”
“Come closer,” he slurred. She obeyed. “Closer.” She obeyed again. Finally he leaned down to whisper in her ear. “I’m not wearing socks!” he whispered, giggling. Minerva leapt back, aghast.
“You’re drunk again!!” she hissed. “Look at the example you’re setting for your students!”
“Oh, calm down and keep your shirt on…” and then he grimaced, wrinkling his nose as though he had just thought of something. “Yeah…definitely keep our shirt on.”
“Do you even know what happened to the Potters?” Minerva snapped. Dumbledore chewed on his lips, concentrating hard.
“Potter…Potter…it rings a bell…” he said, trying to recall them.
“Lily, James, Harry!” Minerva yelled, trying to jog his memory. Then his face came alight with realization.
“Oh yeah, capital people,” he said, nodding sloppily. “Especially Lily…man, what a body! And those blue eyes of hers were wonderful!”
“Her eyes were green you idiot! And what do you mean, were?” Minerva said, her eyes narrowing. Dumbledore looked up, as though surprised to see her there.
“What? Oh, yeah…about that,” he said uncomfortably. “It was the craziest thing!”
“What? What are you talking about?” she asked urgently. Dumbledore shuffled his feet slightly, kicking around a little pebble.
“Well, you see, it was just one of those days. Kind of slow at the school, so I…left-and-got-into-a-game-of-poker-with-Voldemort,” he said, saying the last bit very quickly. Minerva’s eyes flashed. “And so I kinda-sorta bet their lives. You know, just one of those little flings!”
“YOU BET THE POTTER’S LIVES?!?!” Minerva screeched.
“Hey, there’s no need to get all huffy about it!” Dumbledore said, folding his arms.
“So what happened then? How are the Potters?!” she asked. Dumbledore looked up, raising his eyes.
“Potter…Potter, now I just heard that name somewhere,” he said rubbing his chin. Just when Minerva looked ready to strangle him, he gasped. “Oh yeah!” he said, laughing. “Well, I’m afraid they’ve been incapacitated. You know, we’ll have to feed them and bathe them everyday, stuff like that,” he explained. Minerva looked horrified.
“Wh…What?” she said, looking ready to cry. Then Albus gave a barking laugh.
“Ha! I had ya there for a second. Oh, you are SO gullible! Oh my gosh, I so had you going there. Man what a kick! No, no, don’t worry, that didn’t really happen. They’re actually dead.”
“WHAT?!” Minerva said, and she began to cry. Albus rolled his eyes then, giving a great sigh.
“Geez, you are so emotional tonight. Is it that time of the month or something?” he asked, putting his hands on his hips.
“You are so insensitive!” she huffed. “Don’t you even care about them?”
“Potter…Potter…rings a bell,” Albus said.
“What do we do now?” she asked, sitting down on the wall in desolation.
“Oh! Don’t worry about that. Hagrid’s bringing Harry,” Albus explained.
“I thought you said he was dead!” Minerva raged, standing back up again.
”Oh yeah. Forgot to mention that he survived, and defeated the most evil wizard on the face of the earth.”
“Are you serious?” she asked, clutching her hands together, tears rolling down her face. Then they both heard footsteps pounding towards them. Albus looked around, frowning.
“NO! I’M SIRIUS!” yelled the voice, just as Sirius Black reached them, panting and out of breath.
“What?” Minerva asked, looking flustered.
”Oh, come on!” he said, rolling his eyes. “This is fan fiction, right?” he asked, as though talking to a two year old.
“Yeah…” Albus said, as both he and Minerva looked on in confusion. “So?”
“So whenever anybody says ‘I’m serious,’ I’m supposed to make the joke, ‘No, I’m Sirius!’” he explained. “Come on. It’s in every fan story! Don’t you two read?”
Just then a voice floated through the air, as if coming from the sky. “I’m serious!” said the voice. Sirius gave a groan. “Damn!” he muttered. “Sorry, I gotta fly. There’s another fan fiction with me saying that, and that’s my cue.”
“Wait…what about Lily and James?” Minerva asked, still very confused.
“Don’t worry, I’ll be back in time to be wrongfully accused,” Sirius assured. Minerva nodded, apparently satisfied.
“Alright, but if you’re late, we are totally grounding you,” Albus said. With that, Sirius began running in the opposite direction, and he could be heard yelling, “No! I’m Sirius!”
Minerva looked around, and then noticed something. “Oh god, Albus! We need to hide ourselves better! The Muggles could be watching!”
“Got it covered,” Albus said slyly, and pulled a little metal contraption from his beard.
“Did you just pull that from…?” Minerva asked slowly. Albus grinned.
“You’d be surprised at the stuff I’ve got in this baby,” he said, patting his huge beard. “Hungry? I think I’ve even got some of last night’s dinner somewhere…”
“The Muggles, Albus. Focus on that.”
“Oh, right,” Albus said, and then began clicking the odd contraption. With each click, the lights in the lampposts went out. Soon all was darkness. Minerva raised her eyebrows, impressed. “Got it at Radio Shack,” he explained, stuffing the put-outer thing back in his beard. “Only five bucks!”
“I see,” Minerva said, and then her eyes narrowed as she watched him putting something in his mouth. “What are you eating?” He froze like a deer in headlights.
“Uhh…lemon drops…” he said slowly. “Want some?”
“Those aren’t lemon drops are they?” she said, shaking her head. He looked around for something to distract her, knowing she wouldn’t approve if she found out what it really was.
“Look! A flying motorcycle!” he yelled, pointing up at the sky. Minerva placed her hands on her hips.
“If you think that I’m going to fall for that one you’re-” she began, but Dumbledore never found out exactly what he was, as she was soon landed on by the flying motorcycle. A huge man was riding atop it, holding a little bundle of blankets in his hands. He looked down at Minerva, and gave a wild gasp.
“Uh-oh!” he said, leaping off the bike and nearly falling over in his haste. “Sorry, Professor! I didn’ mean ter!”
“Man, how am I going to explain this to everybody now?!” Albus fumed. “Ah well. I’ll just find some other stuck-up old hag to take her place. Nobody’ll know the difference.”
“Righ’ you are, Head Master,” Hagrid agreed, rather stupidly. “I brought Li’l Harry, fer ya.”
“Oh…right,” Albus said, nodding. He walked over to the pile of blankets in Hagrid’s arms. He moved a blanket out of the way, so as to see his face, and then he swore loudly. “Hagrid! This isn’t Harry!”
“Wha’?” Hagrid said, horrified.
“The real Harry should have a scar on his forehead!” Albus explained. Then Hagrid burst into tears.
“I’m sorry, Professor! I dropped the li’l tike as we were flying ov’r Bristol!” he wailed loudly. “So I just took this one instead.” Albus stood still, thinking very hard. Then he smiled as an idea came to him. He suddenly reached into his beard and pulled out a permanent marker.
“Here. I’ll just draw it on! What shape should I make it?” Albus asked, thinking.
“Ooh! Ooh! Make it a lightening bolt!” Hagrid said, jumping up and down with his hand in the air. Albus nodded, and bent over the child. When he came back up, he had a bolt of lightening across his forehead. “Wait…it’s off-cen’r,” Hagrid said, leaning closer. Albus took a closer look too.
“Oh, you’re right. Oh well, they’re going to make it off-center in the movies anyways,” he said, shrugging. “Now…which family should we give him to?” Albus looked around. “Eeny, meeny, miney, mo,” he said, pointing to a different house with each word. “Aha! That one!”
“The Dursleys?” Hagrid asked, reading the mailbox. Albus shrugged. “Shouldn’ we leave a note?”
“Yeah, I s’pose,” Albus said, pulling a piece of parchment from his beard, soon he was scribbling away on it.
“Whatcha writin’?” Hagrid asked, looking over his shoulder.
“Put…your…left…foot…in…take…your…left…foot…out…” Albus was muttering as he wrote it down. Hagrid frowned.
“That don’t make any sense,” he said uncertainly. Albus ignored him, however, and kept scribbling away.
“And…shake…it…all…about…” Albus finally finished. “There. And of course it doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t have to! None of the readers are going to know what the letter says until book six or seven anyways!” he defended. “Man, you need to lighten up,” he said, rolling his eyes. And then, looking around, he pulled something else out of his beard. “Lemon drop?”
“No thanks, Dumbledore, sir,” Hagrid said anxiously. “Le’s get it ov’r with,” he said, starting to choke up. Within minutes the baby was laying curled up on the doorstep. Albus and Hagrid stood there for quite sometime.
“Yup,” Albus said.
“Yeeeeep,” Hagrid muttered.
“Uh-huh,” Albus agreed.
“So…what do we do now?” Hagrid asked, leaning against the bike. It squished slightly as more weight was added to the mangled Minerva McGonagall.
“What do you mean?” Albus asked.
“Well, this story has to end sometime,” Hagrid said. “I mean come on. It sucks enough as it is.”
“Yeah…good point. Want to go get a beer?”
A/N: Wow? You’re still here? You mean you didn’t leave the story after the first few sentences? I’m impressed. This was really different for me to write. If you’re familiar with any of my other stuff, you’ll notice that I don’t have any other humor fics posted. To see the reason, read the above story. Let me a review…. Lemon Drop anybody?
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