Chapter 1 : So much to say...
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It was all that Lily Evans fault. Stupid girl. Taking Sirius’ best friend away from him. Sirius grumbled. Even though he wasn’t happy about admitting it, he was kinda jealous at James.
Not because he and Lily were dating, but because he was being with the one he loved. Looking at Lily and James when they walked together in the corridors made it hurt inside Sirius. He didn’t wanted to think about it. He didn’t want to accept it.
The fact that he couldn’t just take one of those stupid giggling girls who followed him around on the school. Silly kids. Of course he had to want someone he couldn’t get. He looked carefully over at Remus’ bed. He was sleeping. He looked so peaceful.
His light brown, curly hair was spread all over the pillow. Sirius could hear his soft and calm breathing. It hurted. So close, and yet so far away. Sirius took a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying to push the thoughts away. When he opened his eyes, Remus was looking at him. Sirius jumped up.
- You’re awake? He asked stupidly.
- Yeah.. I couldn’t really sleep so I just… well… rested my eyes I guess..
- Oh.. Sirius tried not to look at him, and looked at the floor instead.
- What’s wrong? You seem sad, Remus said. Sirius looked back up at him.
- Nothings wrong, he lied. Remus giggled.
- Right..then why ain’t you sleeping? Sirius couldn’t think of an answer. Remus grinned.
- See, there IS something wrong.. C’mon, tell me.. He sat up in his bed. Sirius could see his slender figure. He had to swallow before his throat would let him speak.
- I can’t… He murmured. Remus looked surprised.
- Why not?? What have I done since you don’t trust me? Sirius looked at him.
- You haven’t done anything! He said shocked.
- Then… why won’t you tell me? Sirius bit his lowerlip.
- I… I… You… I… Remus grinned.
- Yeah, you and me… and?? Sirius looked back at the floor.
- Siri, look at me! Why is that damn floor so interresting?
- It’s not… Sirius murmured. Remus stood up from his bed.
- Wanna go outside and talk about it? It seems like it’s freaking you out, whatever it is..
- Sure.. Sirius stood up, and followed Remus down to the common room.
They sat down in the fluffy chairs and looked at each other. Even though Sirius tried not to let it affect him, it did. Remus’ big ambergolden eyes looked at him. Concerned and with so many questions. At last Sirius couldn’t stand looking in them anymore. He closed his eyes, and turned his head away.
- For crying out loud, what is the matter??? Remus sounded kinda angry. But Sirius knew him well anought to know that it was because he he didn’t know what was wrong.
- It doesn’t matter… Sirius heard his own voice coming out, only as a whisper.
- Hell yes it does! Sirius stood up suddenly. He was getting angry.
- Look, just.. just.. just forget it! It doesn’t matter I said! You wouldn’t understand it anyway, and if I told you how I… Sirius covered his mouth with his hands, turned around and ran out of the common room. Remus stood there for a second, just looking after him. Then he ran after him instead of just standing there.
- Siri… Come back.. His voice was soft. Sirius could feel his stommach cramping.
It hurted. He only spoked so softly because he wanted to speak to him, not to comfort him… not because.. not because.. he loved him.
He could feel those stupid tears he had tried to avoid. They’re were running down his cheeks. He knew Remus would find him sooner or later, and he didn’t feel like running. He didn’t feel like doing anything.
The tears were realising. He cried without a sound. Just sitting there letting the tears flow. Suddenly he felt a hand on his face.
- God, Siri… I… I didn’t mean to hurt you… Remus looked at him, rather shocked.
Sirius couldn’t speak. He let Remus stroke his tears away and enjoyed the feeling of his fingers against his own skin. So… So right.
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by Violet Waller