Printer Friendly Version ] [ Report Abuse ]
Back Next

Why Do Fools Fall In Love? by CocoapuffShooter
Chapter 3 : It Seems So Nasty!
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 25

Background:   Font color:  

Chapter 3
It Seems So Nasty!

Lily remembered to go down to the Hospital Wing the instant she crossed the threshold into Gryffindor Tower, and groaned. The application was a semester late, as it was, and if she didn’t get it into Madam Marley as she’d promised she would before classes started, tomorrow, she was sure to not be able to get in and be an aid. Groaning, she turned back around and headed back through the chill corridors, to the Hospital Wing. By the time she actually reached it, however, it was wicked late and she would barely have time to eat, assuming Marley didn’t put up a fight.

“Madam Marley?” Lily asked, opening the door.

The nurse looked up. “Lily Evans, I expected you to be more punctual.”

“Er, sorry ma’am, I forgot, I was sort of perturbed and not thinking right-”


Madam Anabell Marley was as punctual as a period mark, and held out her hand for the packet of papers Lily had finished on the train. She was old, hopefully to soon be replaced by a new Nurse. Lily dug in her pockets and brought out the papers, about twenty thick and signed by her parents three times over. Marley took them and rifled through them. Lily waited for a few minutes in this silence, before edging towards the door.

“Well, Madam Marley, it is sort of late, and I have yet to ge-”

“Sit.” Lily froze, inwardly groaning, and sat in the chair in front of Marley’s desk. “I need to do an examination on you.”


“Heath reasons. Can’t have you ill and infecting the students that come in here.”

Lily let herself sigh. She wasn’t going to get dinner anytime soon, Marley was a nut when it came to making sure people were in perfect health.


“James, when is the next game, again?” asked Remus from his chair.

James glanced over from his recent project. “Er... Saturday.”

“This Saturday?” asked Remus.

“Yeah... damn it, Moony, I’m working on a prank here!”

“So-rry!” he muttered, going back to his book.

James sighed, going back to his trinket. It was a small little glass orb he’d gotten at the local magic joke shop in his area of London. It floated and farted, but he was... modifying it. He grinned evilly and Sirius came over from unpacking and sat in front of James.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“Modifying the trick orb for Snivellus. Maybe Lily will finally realize why I pored the damn inkpot all over her in third year!” James grinned. “Hand me that pin-”

Sirius started laughing evilly, rubbing his hands together and hunching over his back, sticking his tongue out as he spoke. “Yessss, master... hee hee... heh.. eeeeee!!”

James tapped his wand on his head and one of those bands with the really big metal discs appeared on his forehead, and his glasses nearly doubled in size as his robes became a white lab coat. “Yes, I think it’s going to work this time....”

“Hhe hee...Iee!”

James was putting the finishing touches on the orb, which was now filled with nefarious looking black liquid. “Yes... yes... come, my precious...”

“Yesss, master...” Sirius said, his voice all crackly as he held himself at that odd angle, his arms tucked to his side and one eye larger than the other.

Remus stared at them, a half amused, half alarmed look on his face. Peter was shaking with silent laughter, and various people around the common room were shooting them odd looks. James tapped his wand on the orb, and it floated off the table. James and Sirius started laughing maniacally, as the orb soared round the room.

“IT’S ALIIIIIVE!!” shouted James, laughing. “ALIIIVE ALIVVE IT’S ALIIIIVE!!”

“What the-?” muttered Remus.

James stood, gently grabbing and cradling the orb to him like it was a baby. “Come, Igor, we dine!”

“Yess, masster...”

James stood, strolling out and casting schizophrenic looks at everyone while Sirius feigned a limp, one shoulder still shoved at that odd angle. The two of them in this manner made their way down to dinner, laughing and scaring various people into thinking they’d finally gone insane. James nudged open the door a bit and glanced in, looking around, before opening the door enough for Sirius to get in.

“Come in, hurry my Igor preciouss...”

“Yesss, master... heh hehh HHEH HHEH... sowwie..”

They both slunk across the hall, trying to not be noticed but of course being obvious about it, and sat lowly at Gryffindor table, eating their dinner. James scanned the table and saw that dinner was almost over, and the boys ate quickly. Standing, he dragged his little minion over to the door.

“My pet, I don’t think that Sssnivellusss has come to dinner yet!” James said, pressing himself against the wall near the door. “I see no grease anywhere.”

“Masster... I think I hear him cooming!” Sirius said, bent double with his ear to the door. “He curses badly, as yoosual... methinks someone has made him mad, mastr...”

“Fly my precious, fly!” James whispered, throwing the orb up into the air.

The boys pressed themselves against the wall, snickering and waiting for the door to open. As it did, James shot a jet of light at the orb, which was floating over the door, and it enabled the thing to open and pour out the black ink. The boys started laughing in their little characters, Sirius pretending to have some kind of seizure as he did so, but a shriek made them stop.


Lily Evans was standing in the doorway, red hair now mostly black, covered in dripping black ink. Worse even, was that her nursing uniform from that stupid student aide program, all white and spotless, was now completely ruined. She slowly reached up as people in the hall started to laugh, and wiped the ink out of her eyes. She turned her glare on a frozen James and Sirius, who looked like deers caught in the headlight of an oncoming car. Lily looked down at her uniform.

“What is this?” she asked quietly, her voice shaking with rage.

“Er... ink?”

OHMYGOD I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU TWO LITTLE TWITS!” she roared, starting to cry. “I just got this uniform, the stain is NEVER going to come out! I HOPE YOU BOTH DIE!

Turning on her heel amidst the wave of laughter, Lily ran out and up towards Gryffindor. The boys stood there, feeling ashamed, and James caught the little orb as it flew back to him affectionately, like a puppy to it’s owner. He sighed and let it hover over his shoulder like a parrot, and suddenly the boys were faced with a new problem. Sirius nudged James, and he looked over to see Professor Dumbledore walking over. The man’s hair still held a hint of auburn, and his face held a frown.

“Boys...” he said gravely. “You do realize how bad that was of you to do, do you not?”

“Er, yes professor,” said James.

“Yea, headmaster,” Sirius said, so James would get the point.

Dumbledore nodded. “Yes, well... I can only hope that you do not do it again.”

No detentions?! This guy rocks! thought James as he and Sirius nodded.

“And, to endure it does not....” Dumbledore smiled. “I think two weeks of detentions are appropriate.”

He smiled and left, and the boys groaned. Standing there for a second, James looked over at Sirius.

“You seriously suck as a minion, Padfoot.”

Sirius made a face. “What the hell’d I do?!”

James opened the door and started walking up to Gryffindor. “You said it was Snivellus and it wasn’t! It was Evans.”

Sirius smiled. “You mean the Cherry Bomber.”

“Shut up.”

“I know you like her.”

“I do not.”

“Bull crap, you asked her out three times last year, and twice last semester!” Sirius said.

James shrugged. “Only because she’s the only girl I haven’t dated.”

“You haven’t dated Becky,” Sirius said, after a pause.

“Becky is more your type, mate.”

Sirius thought for a second. “You know, she is, actually. Maybe I should marry her.”

James made a face as they went up the stairs. “Taking things a bit fast, aren’t we? Besides, she’s got Charlie.”

“Why are all the fine women taken?” Sirius sighed.

“So you do fancy Becky!”

“I never said that.”

“Well, you said, ‘why are all the fine women taken?’” said James as the little orb circled their heads.

“Yea, so? It could be Opposite Day.”

“Every day is Opposite Day to you, Padfoot.”

“Un-thank you for noticing, Prongs.”


Lily burst into the common room, still crying, and ignored Becky as she jumped up from her usual chair by the corner to see what was wrong. Lily flung her ruined uniform at her, and ran upstairs. Thankfully, there was no one in the dormitory, and she sank onto the floor, crying into her knees. After a minute or so, Becky came in, and crouched next to her.

“What’s wrong, pet?” she asked. “I haven’t seen you this upset since... er...” she thought for a moment. “Well, today, actually.”

“As if you can’t tell what is bloody wrong with me!” Lily managed. “Once again James Potter and his little minion Sirius have made an inkpot out of me! In front of everyone!”

Becky sighed. “I suppose I’ll have to kick their faces in earlier than usual, this year... I was doing a good job of keeping it until the last week of school, too.... Damn, remember last year? That was fun... Never thought I’d see James Potter dangling from a Quidditch rung, wandless, and have it be my work...” She smiled affectionately, and Lily laughed. “See, I work miracles, don’t I? Cheered your arse up.”


Becky stood and grabbed Lily’s inkstained hands. “Come on, pet, shower for you.”

“Did anyone ever tell you you’ll make a great mother?” Lily asked.

Becky paused as she opened the door. “Yeah, Charlie.”

Lily smiled. “He thinks that of you? That is so sweet.”

“Did I mention he only says it every time he wants a shag?”


Lily woke the next morning fully dreading having to return to classes, but really only because she had four of her six classes with James Potter. And that really was very unexpected, as she was going to be a Healer at Mungo’s, and he was going to be an Auror. Or something. She had Advanced Potions, Transfiguration, Charms, and Defense classes with him, whereas her Herbology and Astronomy classes weren’t. But, of course, as Murphy’s Law ruled her life, those two classes, along with Defense, Charms, and Transfiguration, had Sirius Black in them, so it was almost as bad. Especially when he was partnered with her on Astronomy and kept asking why you had to use a telescope, why couldn't you just curse the stars to come closer?

Sighing, Lily thrust herself out of bed and got dressed, once again hating the fact that she was a late bloomer and that only now was she really starting to fill out. Her bra was a bit tight around the bottom, and she knew she’d need to get a 34 instead of a 32, from now on. Becky was getting dressed, as well, and glanced over.

“You still obsessing over having tiny boobs, or something?” she asked as she pulled a shirt over her head.

“No, in fact I think I need a 34, now,” Lily shrugged

“I think I might have one you can borrow until the next Hogsmeade weekend... and I don’t care what you say, you will get lace ones this time!” Becky said.

Lily retorted, “I will not!”

“Damn wrong you won’t. You’re almost seventeen, it is past time you started acting, and dressing, it. Not another word.”

Lily shook her head, pulling on her skirt. She knew she was the smallest girl in the room, and wished she could gain a bit of weight. At 109 pounds, she always thought that she was a bit thin for her age. But perhaps that went along with being a late bloomer.

“I need to gain some weight, Becks.”

“Want some of mine?”

“You’re not fat.”

“Are so.”

Lily glared at Rebecca. “Becky, you are not fat and you know it, and if you try to make me baby you again and tell you you aren’t just so you feel better, I will outright lie and say that you are so you will shut up.”

“Actually, no, then I’d wail about how cruel you are and that I am, in fact, fat!” Becky smiled. “You’re outsmarted.”

“How can you outsmart me when I got a full grade higher average than you on the O.W.L.s?” Lily asked, smiling.

Becky made a face as she straightened her tie. “Everyone knows those things are rigged. Just like the ones you said muggles take, where they have to fill out what they look like. It’s Hitler’s little Nazis, I swear. They’re grading according to what race and if you’re Aryan or not!”

Lily shook her head. “Less Muggle Studies for you. But yeah, it’s plausible that they could be grading you based on your race.”

“I TOLD YOU!” Becky laughed and did a victory dance as she pulled on stalkings. “By the way, if you want to gain weight, shag Potter.”


Becky started laughing. “Well, shag anyone.”

“You know damn well I am going to be a virgin until I’m married!” Lily said loudly.

“Well, according to a study I read in a Muggle magazine, evidently when you shag for the first time, it does something to your pelvis bones, and they spread apart a bit and you gain a little bit of weight. Your hips get wider, too. See?” Becky slapped one hip.

Lily made a face. Of course she knew her best friend and Charles had, er.. done the dirty, but still, it never ceased to disgust her that she’d let herself do that before marriage. “I think sex is gross.”


Lily shrugged, pulling on her robes and grabbing her bag. She headed for the door. “I just, it seems so nasty!”

Becky followed her downstairs. “You know, I sort of thought of it like that until I did it. It really is quite lovely.”

Lily turned, disgusted, to see a grin on Becky’s face. She shook her head. “I dunno, I just think all that genital sex and baby stuff is kind of... uuurgh.”

“It’s not, believe me, it’s lovely...” Becky sighed. “Well, anyways, I can assure you, anyone who’s had it thinks so.”

“I don’t think so,” Lily said, coming into the common room.

“Really?” Becky asked. She looked around the common room, then at the stairs. “JAMES!”

Lily jumped and turned, seeing James Potter and Sirius Black in the doorway, coming their way. She blushed furiously, hissing, “Damn it, Becks, not them!!

Becky grinned and pushed her off. “Hey, James, come here a sec.” James came over, and for some strange reason Lily thought he looked damn hot today. “Lilis here thinks that sex is gross. What is your opinion?”

Somebody kill me, now...

James looked over at Lily, then shrugged. “I dunno.”

Becky’s jaw dropped. “You don’t know?”

He shook his head. “No... Me’n Sirius decided to wait.”

There was a ringing silence, and Becky shook her head. “Thanks, James, I feel like a whore now. IT’S THE SEVENTIES, DAMN IT!”

James shrugged, running a hand through his hair and making it stick on end. “Er... sorry , Becks. Mum and dad taught me that.”

Becky turned and grabbed Lily’s arm, dragging her off and cursing under her breath.

Previous Chapter Next Chapter

Favorite |Reading List |Currently Reading

Back Next

Review Write a Review
Why Do Fools Fall In Love?: It Seems So Nasty!


(6000 characters max.) 6000 remaining

Your Name:

Prove you are Human:
What is the name of the Harry Potter character seen in the image on the left?

Submit this review and continue reading next chapter.

Other Similar Stories

Pillage, Plu...
by Rogue bludger

White Flag
by 65ashben

Ashes to Ashes
by Still Mar...