A/N: Sorry, I know it's not his b-day anymore, but I felt like I was obliged to continue.
Disclaimer: Yeah, uh huh, I really I own Harry Potter...yep...sure I do *evil penguin lawyers attack* I was being sarcastic!!!!
After a rather satisfying target practice, every one decided to play a modified version of 'Pin the Tail on the Donkey'. Instead, they changed it to 'How well can you throw eighteen-inch poison darts blind-folded'. Guess who the targets were...yep, you guessed it, Pettigrew, Percy, Umbitch, Fudge and Lestrange. (Snape isn't target practice cuz even if he is a greasy haired slimeball, he doesn't deserve to die) The darts were loaded with a pint of painful, slow killing potion so every one got their turn. How did Insane Werewolf Luva aquire her potion? Well, let's just say that blackmail is very useful...very useful indeed. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
With Pettigrew, Umbitch, Percy, Fudge and Lestrange dead, the party progressed to present opening!!!!! Yippee!!!! (A/N: Throws confetti everywhere) Cassie and Sirius handed Harry a gift wrapping in doggie wrapping paper (A/N: Does doggy wrapping paper even exist?) Inside was a shiny, brand-new SPORK OF DOOM!!!!!
"Thank you Sirius! Thank you Cassie!" Harry cried, sniffing.
"Me next, me next!!" Dobby squeaked, hopping up and down. Harry opened the box cautiously. Inside was an entire shrine dedicated to Harry's exsistance.
"Er...thanks, Dobby," Harry said, using the banishing charm to banish the shrine to Colin Creevey's house. A hundred miles away, Colin and Dennis Creevey recieved it.
"Like Oh, My God!" Colin said in a valley-girl voice
"Like totally. It's like, an entire like shrine dedicated to like Harry Potter. Like totally cool!" squealed Dennis, falling to his knees and bowing before the shrine. A hundred miles away at Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, Harry was opening Ron and Hermione's present.
"Wow! A Tickle-Me Elmo (A/N: I'm sorry! The voices in my head told me to do it!)" Harry squealed, hugging it and making it say 'Elmo loves you' (A/N: Again, I'm sorry. As I don't own a tickle-me elmo, I don't know what it says. If any one DOES know what tickle-me elmo says, just leave it in a review and I'll correct it) Hermione and Ron backed away.
"Oops. We confused Harry's present with Snape's" Hermione whispered
"That's ok. Harry seems to like it and I'm sure Snape will like the stuffed, singing teletubbies" Ron answered, watching Harry dance around with Elmo. Insane Werewolf Luva cleared her throat.
"Yes, well, Harry, it's nice to know that you're enjoying your...present..." she said, backing away from the dancing Harry.
"Oh yes, of course," Harry said, stopping his dance and sitting back down, snuggling the Elmo.
"Open ours Harry!" George and Fred chorused together. Harry, being a bit thick, opened it without checking for any explosive devices. Unfortunately, there was; a jar of red and gold hair dye exploded, showering everyone in the room.
"Harry!" the whole room screamed at once. Insane Werewolf Luva dragged George and Fred off into a corner
"You promised not to cause any trouble!" she hissed, looking very scary.
"We didn't! Harry opened it!" Fred protested.
"Really, woman. Get your facts straight!" George continued. Insane threw up her hands in frustration, stomping away. Harry was looking at his present of Skiving Snackboxes happily.
"O! Yay! I get to skip class!" he cheered.
"No you won't Harry, or else..." Hermione threatened, pulling out a make-up kit.
"No I won't..." Harry gulped audibly. "Of course I won't..."
"Mine next," said Remus shoving a package into Harry's lap. "From me and Insane Werewolf Luva" Harry ripped open the package, revealing a fluffy sock puppet.
"Goody goody gum drops!" he squealed preppily. "My own, fluffy sock puppet" Remus and Insane Werewolf Luva exhanged looks.
"Damn! We confused his present with Ron's!" Insane Werewolf Luva hissed.
"Oh well," Remus said, shrugging. Ron, meanwhile, was sobbing his heart out.
"I-hic-want-a--hic--hic---fluffy--sock puppet--hic," he hiccuped, crying a river. Hermione patted him on the back.
"It's ok Ron. I'll give you TWO sock puppets for your birthday," Hermione said, patting him on the back as he hiccuped pitifully.
"Here you go, Harry," Dumbledore gave him a heavy package. Harry dropped it on his toe.
"OWIE!!!! OUCHIES!!!! OW!!!!" Harry cried, rubbing his foot. He opened the package. It was an extremely heavy anvil.
"I thought you could use it against Voldemort," Dumbledore said. "He's mortally afraid of anvils, you know."
"Right..." Harry shoved the anvil into the corner. "Dumbledore's lost it," he muttered to Mad-Eye Moody. Moody nodded, giving Harry present.
"My present, along with Tonk's and Lockhart's," he growled, looking into a mirror. Harry opened it and was flooded over by a million, glossy, waving and winking photos of Lockhart, Tonks and Moody.
"Moody, are you ok?" Harry asked.
"Never been better...or more handsome. Waddya think Harry?" Moody preened in front of a mirror, slicking back his grizzled hair.
"Dude, I'm going insane," Harry muttered to himself. Wordlessly, Mr., Mrs., Charlie, Ginny and Bill Weasley gave Harry a smelly package. Harry found a pile of extremely stinky dragon dung inside.
"Happy Birthday! It's a sample of fertilizer from Norway!" Ginny exclaimed. Harry blinked and backed away. Hagrid handed him a rattling package.
"'appy birthday, 'arry," he said, giggling and taking another swig of firewhiskey. Inside, there was an ugly cross between a blast-ended skrewt and acromantula. "Bred 'em illegally jus' fer you, 'arry."
"Er...thanks Hagrid" Harry winced as the blast-ended skrewt/abnormally large spider bit of his hand off, devouring it and clicking its pincers for more
"And here is Professor Snape's present," Dumbledore said, taking out a perfumey package.
"A package of bubble bath, cosmetics and nail polish from Bed and Body Works?" Harry asked, dumbfounded. He fumbled for the tag. "From Sevvie-kins Snape. To: My pwecious widdle Harry-poo" Harry screamed, ran away and joined McGonagall in St. Mungo's rambling on about pine needles and evil floppy disks.
"What got into him?" Sirius asked, scratching his head.
"Nothing," Insane Werewolf Luva said cheerfully, shutting the door. "Let's just continue to party." And so they did and Ron's teddy bear defeated Lord Moldy-Voldy-Poo and everyone lived happily ever after.
The End, or is it?
A/N: Yes, I know that wasn't a very good ending, but REVIEW ANYWAYZ!!!!!
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