Disclaimer: I do not own all or any material related to Harry Potter.
More than once during the day, Lily mentally kicked herself for ever agreeing to be friends with the Marauders in the first place. It took her three years to build the wall that surrounded her and in less than a day, those silly immature boys knocked it down. Lily was angry with herself and her ability to control her emotions. James would not stop following her, watching her like a hawk, making sure her next step wasn’t her last. Lily pretended to ignore this annoying act and tried to get on with her life through the day. Occasionally she would get a jealous look from another girl because James was walking with her, but these careless glares were simply brushed aside. To add to her great annoyance, Sirius quickly followed suit and Lily could not go to any of her classes without Sirius and James tagging along.
Walking towards the North Tower for Divination, Lily felt a sudden weight sink into her stomach. Again she criticized herself for opening up to the Marauders. Too busy reviewing the events of last night and today, Lily did not notice that she had reached the North Tower and was standing in a throng of students, waiting for the class to begin. And if by magic, the trapdoor swung open and a ladder came down, allowing them to access the stifling hot Divination classroom. Climbing the ladder, absentmindedly, Lily missed a rung and slipped. Of course, James was beneath her and he caught her before she hit the ground.
"Are you alright?"he inquired, Lily merely nodded and began to ascend the ladder once more. Finally making it into the room, Lily was suddenly hit by the strong scent that made her think of perfume-lit fires. There was barely enough clean oxygen to breathe and all the windows were shut. Lily knew this class would be very long. The Professor, Professor Oracolo, began describing the lessons they would do throughout the year. They would first began with tea leaves, then move on to…Lily became drowsy from the strong perfume and her head began to throb, hadn't they done this last year?. She desperately waited for the class to end, the seconds ticking by slowly, just to torture her.
Professor Oracolo’s voice droned on and Lily fought to keep her attention in class--this wasn’t like her. She dragged herself back into reality, “…though I’m sure not many of you possess the true persona of a seer,” the Professor’s voice rang in Lily’s mind. Just as the Professor was about to describe the properties and uses of tea leaves, she stopped and announced that class was dismissed and they would begin tea leaves the next class. Lily, happily, made her way out of the Divination classroom, swaying from the sudden attack of fresh air. Balancing herself, she stood a moment in front of the ladder and was soon knocked into by James, who didn’t notice Lily still standing there. If anyone were to walk by, they would stifle an immediate laugh at the site. Lily was sprawled out on her stomach, books strewn out on the floor and James was sitting on top of her, somewhat confused at the sudden collision. Sirius grabbed James’ hand and pulled him off the appalled Lily, while Remus grabbed Lily by the elbow and carefully helped her up. Peter picked up her books and when Lily regained her balance, she took them from him and thanked him.
“S-so-sorry Lily,” James stuttered. Lily shrugged it off and made her way through the crowd who had stopped to see the situation at hand. James still stood before the ladder in shock and his admirers became to swarm him. Feeling a bit light headed from the Divination room, James made his way through the wishful girls and hurried off to the comforts of the Gryffindor common room.
Lily leaned up against a wall in the common room, gasping for breath. She had run here all the way from the North Tower, escaping the stares that tore through her like headlights in the darkness. The room was empty, all the other years still had classes for another hour and the fourth years were still roaming the corridors. Lily slid to the floor, crawling to the shadows and cried. She didn’t know what she was thinking, letting the Marauders become her friends! She did not want to have friends that got her such negative attention. She hated the glares that penetrated her skin and reached her soul, making her feel uncomfortable, every passing second. At times during the day, she just wanted to be left alone. She hated James and Sirius following her, watching her, like she was some porcelain doll that could shatter any second. She was fragile, she was a flower, but were such precautions necessary? Lily let her mind wander to the other things that bothered her. She remembered the day she received her letter from Hogwarts.
She had been in the kitchen eating breakfast when her mother appeared from the front hall with the mail in her hands. She sifted through the letters and found one addressed to Lily, handing it to the anxious little girl who never received mail. It had been torn open and quickly read, then it found it’s death, plunging from the little girl’s hand to the floor. Her shining emerald eyes opened wide, in shock, and her mouth hanging open.
“What’s wrong, Lily?” her sister, Petunia asked curiously.
“I…I’m a…a witch,” Lily stammered. Pointing to the letter, “It says I’m accepted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy.”
Her mother scoffed, “What nonsense!” she exclaimed, picking up the letter. Reading it, her eyes, too opened wide. “Impossible,” she whispered. Petunia now felt rather annoyed and snatched the letter away to read it.
“You, you freak!” she screamed, staring at Lily like she had three heads. “You a witch?”
Lily smiled, “I’m a witch!”
“Nothing to be excited about, that just makes you abnormal. If you are a witch, I refuse to speak to you. I refuse to speak to a freak,” Petunia retorted, storming out of the kitchen.
Lily’s mother sensed disappointment in Lily’s face and hugged her quickly, “Don’t worry, she’s just jealous. She’ll come around soon,” she said hopefully, “I’m very proud of you,” she added. Petunia refused to speak to her civilly every day after that. If she spoke to Lily it would always be criticism and vile words that cut Lily deep, so deep she bled.
And she remembered James. James, how she envied his perfection. His charm that made any girl fall head over heels, any girl but her. He was always the center of attention and he knew he could handle it well. He matured in the last couple of days, mainly due to the seriousness of Lily’s situation but it was an amazing accomplishment. Sometimes she wished she was as flawless as he was. Flawless, perfect James Potter wanted to be flawed, loner Lily Evans’ friend. ‘Maybe it was out of pity,’ Lily thought angrily.
Lily blinked back the blinding tears and her vision was clouded again by vague memories of her unhappy three years at Hogwarts. Her draining emotions compelled her to do what she did every day, she wrote. She wrote to release the build up of miserable memories that seemed to burrow deep inside her heart, cutting her and burning her until she bled, bled to death. But this time, unlike so many times before, she wrote of James.
‘Such misery consumes me, never letting go. Sorrow ails my mending heart, binding me. Let’s bend the rules slightly just so I can breathe. This pounding headache confuses my vision. The dimming sky and the pouring rain helps none to see. My fingers, they ache from clenching this fist but I’m so tired of living my life in constant despair. My heart attempts to beat once more, but fails. I am a failure. I fail when I try to see the sun through the darkened sky. I fail when I try to write what I feel--every emotions laid out for all to see. I can’t write like you. No matter how hard I try. Piles upon piles of worthless paper with nothing but scribbles. I try to be honest with my emotions-but my audience lashes out at me. They scream, “You’re a failure! You’re a freak!” I can hear them though I’m deaf. I toss and turn in my empty bed and I can see them though I’m blind. And the tears sting the bruises around my eyes, where I rubbed and rubbed to see. Why can’t I be like you? Perfect and flawless. The crowds are pleased and applaud with pleasure. You sleep in silence, in a paradoxical sleep. Oh, how I plead with God--I bargain with my life. If only I could be like you. I want to express my feelings so I could not have to keep them bottled because, unlike fine wine, emotions do not taste better with time. And the emotions get bottled up until I can’t breathe and my lungs struggle for oxygen. And I try to carry myself away from the pain but I let myself fall. Don’t you ever fall? No, no of course not! You’re perfect, James. I hope you know, I cry at night for you.’
The portrait hole opened and shut, the sound of muffled footsteps alerted Lily that there was a presence in the room. Hidden by the shadows that lurked in the corners of the common room, Lily noted the four Marauders walking in, talking quietly amongst themselves.
“I wonder where Lily is,” James asked. 'Of course you would,' Lily thought, 'Come to pity the lonesome girl again?' James sat down on the couch in front of the burning fire, his question left unanswered.
“You worried?” Sirius asked. James shook his head but his face, creased with worry and despair gave away his true emotions.
Lily stepped out of the shadows, diary in hand and spoke just above a whisper, “Your emotions betray you, James.”
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