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My Reflection by Astrid Elisabeth
Chapter 41 : Heart Ripped
Rating: 15+Chapter Reviews: 80

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Warning: This chapter is brutal and contains scenes of a mind sexual nature, mild violence and emotional mess. Be aware.

Chapter Forty-one, Heart Ripped
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I was a ballerina.
I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle.
It wasn't mine.
-Rita Rudner

I straightened my sweater as I walked from the common room, preparing to meet Bryn in the Great Hall for a nice chat and maybe some school-work. I was constantly thinking about James. Today we had been together for four months. He had pulled himself together considering Bryn, but he still showed signs of jealousy.

‘Does he really have to be so immature and untrusting? Not to mention jealous…’

I sighed, finding a lip stick in the pocket of my jeans.

‘He was almost distracting and avoiding when I spoke to him yesterday… even after we almost went further than just kissing and cuddling again. Maybe I’ll just do as he said and stop seeing Bryn so often? Just so he’ll get satisfied… Even though I reduced it to two times a week a while ago, as he requested.’

But that thought somehow seemed unattractive.

‘And let yourself be controlled? You know he’s just being paranoid. He should learn how to deal with it.’

James sure could be frustrating when he acted like this, but at the same time.. totally to die for. He had been so gentle and understanding the night I told him about my father.. Not to mention the way he was Ok about me wanting to wait about sleeping together. A triumphant smile crept onto my face.

‘God, I love you…’

Then I felt a hand grasp me and pull me out of the hall I was walking in. I was dragged into an empty classroom, which was tall and almost empty. Only a few desks were lined up against the wall. I felt my heart in my throat as my body struggled against the stranger.

“Let go of me!” I screamed, meeting the strangers eyes.

A wave of relieve washed over me as I looked into the hazel gaze.

“James.. don’t ever scare me like that again!” I breathed dangerously.

“Sorry,” he said darkly. “But I needed to see you… to apologise for the way I’ve been so paranoid about you helping Johnson with studying lately..”

He must almost have read my mind.

“Really? But I thought you apologised about that before?”

“Well, yes, but I want to apologise some more,” he smiled.

I was still confused. “We were supposed to meet later and celebrate us being together for four months… so wh-”

I was stopped mid-sentence.

He scooped me into his arms, kissing me tenderly. Suddenly he was so intense I could hardly breathe.

“James.. calm down,” I stopped him, giving him a sceptic look. “What’s the rush? And in a classroom, for God’s sake.”

James shrugged, placing his hands on my face.

“I don’t know, I just suddenly missed you so badly.. wanted to hold you right away.”

‘What?’ I thought.

He started kissing me again, and his hands travelled down my body.

“James…” I whispered. “We’re in a classroom…”

He chuckled softly.

“Isn’t it much more exciting when there’s a risk of being discovered?”

“I don’t know,” I concluded, as he kissed his way down my neck. “I’m supposed to meet Bryn, you know?”

He met my eyes, and a smile was on his face.

“Forget about Johnson.”

He took hold of me, lifting me up onto a desk by the wall. His lips never left the surface of my skin.

“What are you doing?” I repeated. “You’re downright perverted.”

As I saw his eyes again, they were written with lust.

“I want you, Lily… right here, right now.”

I felt my heart in my throat again.

“What? James, we’ve already discussed this,” I said breathlessly.

My body felt warm as he continued to caress me, but I didn’t like it. I wanted to pull away.

“What do you mean? Don’t you want me?” he whispered.

I tried to roll my eyes, but it was getting harder as my body started losing control slightly, and I got more and more frightened.

“Of-of course I do, it’s not that. You know how I feel… I-I want to wait,” I stuttered.

He took no notice.

Suddenly, his hand jumped to my jeans, and the zip came open.

“Stop it!" I said, and there was a very sharp edge in my voice. “I said, stop, James! I don’t want to!”

My words didn’t seem to reach in to him.

“Come on, Lily! I can feel your body being aroused!”

There was a touch in his voice that had never been there before, and I almost felt tears in my eyes. How was I going to make him stop? I was unwillingly scared of him, and very angry.

“Don’t go any further,” I said shakily.

As he straightened up, I was even more scared than before. As he advanced on me again, I saw him lift his hand. His eyes were lightening.

I rolled off the table, and gave him a poisonous and angry look, full of fright.

“What do you think you’re doing?” I cried.

“Lily Evans!” my father roared.

The ten year old me walked into the living room, meeting his dangerous eyes.

“This milk… it tastes disgusting,” he said hardly.

I shivered as I walked over to him to apologise.

“I-I’m sorry, father… I didn’t check the date…” I stuttered.

Suddenly I saw his massive arm lifting, ready to fall upon me with force.

A tear rolled down my cheek as I ran away, narrowly avoiding the hit.

“I hate you, father!” I screamed in rage and fear.

As he rose, walking after me, I ran in quick steps to my secret hiding place in the attic, where he couldn’t reach me.

‘Father tried to hurt me…’ I thought, scared. ‘He has never done that before.’

Jerking back to real life, I saw James was trying to grab my arm again, but I was quicker. Just as I had done almost eight years ago, I slipped away, out of the classroom. I managed to grab my schoolbag lying outside it, and running away from him.

I didn’t even bother to zip my trousers. Tears were rolling continuously down my pale cheeks as I ran through the corridors, not knowing were I was actually headed.

“James… James… James…… JAMES!” I screamed, all other words blacking out but his name. The few students walking in the corridors looked apprehensively at me as I ran past them, some even yelling after me.

Finally I tripped over, right outside the girls lavatory. I staggered inside, clinging to the wall.

“Why did you have to do that?” I yelled, my voice echoing through the room. “I love you! I love you… And I thought you loved me too… For real,” I added in a whisper.

Breathing heavily in anger, I heard someone come out from one of the toilets.


At first, I startled, because it was a man’s voice. Then I took a look around, and noticed I was in the boys’ toilets, and not in the girls’ as I assumed.

Never before had I been so happy to see his face. His eyes were as concerned as I had ever seen them. He scanned me, lying in a messy position wearing only a thin vest top over my dark bra. My trousers were unzipped, and they were showing off my underwear.

He bent down, holding my shaking body.

“It’s all right, love. Don’t worry,” he whispered into my hair. I could smell him, he smelled exactly like he used it. It felt safe.


I took a deep breath, sitting down on a chair in the classroom. A part of me was deeply hurt by what I had to do, the other was immensely satisfied. I just hoped Lily wouldn’t head to the Great Hall, where she would find that Bryn wasn’t there. That I wasn’t there.

“Told you, Potter..” I whispered, my own smirk replacing James Potter’s. “I know Lily’s weakness… And it sure came in handy. Now she’ll never have you back. If that kiss I placed on her in November didn’t make her doubt you, this certainly will…”

I regained my strength, feeling a lump in my throat tell me what I did was wrong. The scared look on Lily’s face as I practically forced onto her… The anger in her voice. It was making me die inside. But I had to do it.

It was the only way… The only way I could make her turn away from him.


Sirius lowered my head down onto a pillow on the couch in the common room, holding my hand firmly. He had already shooed away all the others in the common room, so they wouldn’t stare or ask questions.

I didn’t sob any more. I just looked deadly out into the empty air… Feeling my body still warm from the touch James had placed on me against my will.

“Lily…” Sirius said very shakily. “What … What happened to you?”

I hid my face with my hands, but Sirius pulled them away again so he could see my face.

“You’ve got to tell me,” he said, frightened.

I swallowed hard.

“He… He tried to force onto me…” I whispered violently.

“Who?” Sirius questioned, and his voice was full of hatred.

I didn’t take in what he said.

“He… He felt me up! He unzipped my trousers and… when I refused he tried to hit me…” the last words came out in a blur, Sirius had problems understanding what I was saying.

“And…” but I didn’t manage to continue. I just let out a sob, turning away from Sirius’s gentle yet furious face.

He rose up, and I heard him getting Remus and Anna over to me. Anna laid down next to me, wanting to hold me in her arms. But I didn’t let her. I was too angry for anyone to come near me. Remus reached out, but I politely said no. I felt so tricked. And I was hurt. My heart was splattered in a thousand pieces.

I heard Sirius leaving the common room through the portrait hole, and I wondered where he was going.

I felt myself go drowsy and tired after all the wild thoughts, so I fell asleep there, on the couch, with Remus and Anna watching over me.

A/N: Not the most cheerful chapter, I'll admit. It took a while to make it work. But it's important to the story!

I hope you all figured out that it was Bryn Johnson as James who grabbed Lily into the classroom...

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