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The Puzzling Prattlings of a Pulchritudinous Potions Professor by JuicyJuice

Rating: 12+Story Reviews: 1104
Chapters: 18
Words: 29588
Characters: Harry, Dumbledore, McGonagall, Snape
Genre(s): Humor
Era: Hogwarts
Status: Completed
First Published: 2006.10.20
Last Published Chapter: 2018.01.30
Last Updated: 2018.01.30
Favorite Story Of: 749 users
Advisory: Mild Language

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The HPFF Dobby Awards: Winner - Best Humour (2009)

Hilarious banner by follow_the_butterflies!

Severus Snape, UNWRAPPED. 

(If you don't laugh when you read this story, you probably don't know how to.)

Final chapter up!  But look out for a sequel...

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Ch. # Chapter Title Word Count Reviews Read
1 The Mad, Harry Beginning

Harry Potter comes to Hogwarts. And unfortunately there seems to be no way to stop him.

822 132
2 First Lesson and Ferreting

While unburdening the particulars of his first lesson with the Gryffindor First Years, Snape reminisces about, well, ferreting. . .

794 92
3 The Painters Are In

Something shameful happens, and Snape learns the facts of life.

1252 75
4 Shoe Shoppin' Snape

Everyone needs shoes.  Severus Snape is no exception.

865 70
5 Quidditch, Quirrel, and Quarrels

Potter gets onto the Gryffindor Quidditch team, and other catastrophes.

1135 58
6 The Fluffy Halloween Fiasco

A troll gets into the dungeons.  Snape runs after some socks.  Naturally, it is all Harry Potter's fault.

2129 65
7 This Snape is Bananas

A professor must have some educational way to amuse himself...

1148 51
8 Composure, Curses, and, of course, Conniptions

Snape saves Harry's life.  But will he forgive himself?  He also has an important conversation with Dumbledore...and catches McGonagall at something mildly shocking...

1795 41
9 Love, Hormones, and Other Household Pests

"Death I can face, pain I can handle, but teenage romance—that and bubblegum flavored ice cream—can put me off food for days.  And I'm not much for Filch's singing voice either.  Or smiling."

1810 43
10 Holiday Havoc and Christmas Cavorting

Severus basks in the Christmas spirit.

2164 66
11 Quirrel v. Grease Lightning

Our feminist hero fails to expell Harry Potter, and then takes a long, solitary walk...with Quirrel.

2062 43
12 Middle Aged Women

What does Trelawney See?  Why is Severus required to write poetry and learn how to ride a broomstick?  And why, for Goodness' sake, why is McGonagall's hat fireproof?

1713 48
13 Love Letters, Poetry, Well-Timed Insults, and Other Literature

Our Great Narrator sees a little too much of Harry Potter.  And then has some writing to do.

1881 58
14 Snape the Ref

Severus has a bit of trouble referreeing the game, and makes himself feel better with a bit of good old Quirrel-intimidation.  Unfortunately, that doesn't end very well either.

1447 52
15 The Mirror of Erised

Severus and Dumbledore transport the Mirror, and Severus discovers something very interesting about the Philosopher's Stone...

1058 46
16 The Love Doctor is In...Trouble

Our leading man dabbles in student love lives.  And makes an interesting discovery about McGonagall.

2216 43
17 The Hogwarts Zoo

One eventful day, filled with love animals, real animals, and, of course, a mooing McGonagall.  Also, our pulchritudinous narrator reveals a bit more about the undying romance between Argus Filch and Mrs. Norris.  It is not actually that funny.  More like a horror film.

2299 31
18 End With A Snape

The year comes to a close.  

It is mildly unpleasant.

2998 90

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