Feels...rushed. Like you were trying to spit it all out...without really thinking about what you were writing, you just wanted to get everything done. It could be fleshed out so much more, go much more in-depth. Mary Sues that fully realize what they are can make for some of the most amusing and good fics because they don't take themselves seriously-it's like a B movie, they're amazing, because they realize what they are.

Go back and flesh it out! Add more! You could definitly get at least a few chapters out of this if you wanted to.

Author's Response: I could get a couple out, but its more of a one-shot introduction for a the character, she's featured in a different story, ...which has escaped me at the moment, but I wanted to bring her out a little, it is going to be edited.

Thanks!

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You got the whole Mary Sue character just right! Cool fic!

Author's Response: Thanks so much, its in response to people wanting to know more about Mary from another one of my fics.

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i love it!

Author's Response: thanks!

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Ok, well, I think you have a very good premise here. I think that your changes to point of view need to be better shown; the thoughts seem to blend in with the actions that are going on around her. Overall, I like it.

Author's Response: thanks for the review!

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Good story. I like deliberate Mary-Sues. They are usually funny.

Author's Response: yeah usually, I wanted to show a failed Mary sue, thank you so much for reviewing!

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