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Reading Reviews for the war has ended
  
11 Reviews Found

Review #1, by DougA the new start

6th September 2017:
I think it should be dreamless sleep potions instead of sleepless dream potions. You story is still way too disjointed and lacking in details.

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Review #2, by DougA returning to diagon alley

6th September 2017:
I'm surprised that Harry and Ginny had to face the goblins on their own. Where is Bill and/or Kingsley ?

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Review #3, by DougA the previous 12 months

6th September 2017:
Nice comment from Percy.

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Review #4, by DougA getting the weasleys up to speed

5th September 2017:
A nice enough chapter and summary, although it still skips around too much, which affects the flow of your story, and makes for a bit of a disjointed read. Might I suggest that you get a beta to help with punctuation, quotations, and general connections. a beta can do anything from just helping smooth out rough spots to offering suggestions on flow and content.

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Review #5, by DougA wanting to return to diagon alley

4th September 2017:
I like Ginny and Harry having couple time, and Ron and Hermione wanting couple time without Harry and Ginny. Your story is moving along decently, but it still feels like a Cliff's Notes version of a story. I really would like to see you go back and flesh things out.

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Review #6, by DougA back at the burrow

4th September 2017:
The flow was a little better in this chapter, but it still came off with a rushed feel. Who won the Quidditch ? How did Hermione do, given that she is on record for not liking flying ? These may seem like minor details, but they would flesh out your story and, in my opinion, improve it's pace and flow.

I understand that thus is your first fanfic, and it's not bad, but I think it could be improved. Quotations are still not set off, and that still is distracting. I realize that you were 9 chapters into this before I started reading and reviewing, but I'm trying to help if you decide to continue the story, or edit and repost what you have already done.

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Review #7, by DougA Back at the castle

3rd September 2017:
I like Ginny's idea. Your story is decent, but you need to work on the flow. Tell us the story through the characters instead of of little summarized snippets. In some ways, your chapters feel like trailers for a movie. A little scene here, and another one their, but watch the movie to get the whole story. Your chapters don't have to stick close to 500 words. Tell us the story in as many words as each chapter takes to tell it smoothly.

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Review #8, by DougA The talk

3rd September 2017:
You need to work on quotation marks, as what a character says tends to get lost in what the character is doing, and leads to a confusing read.
Still decent work.

Still no medical attention for Harry or Ginny ? They just finished the last battle of a war. I can't believe that neither was injured, especially Harry. And Ginny gets over never forgining Harry awfully quickly. I can understand you not having Dobby die (it is, afterall, your story), but where was he last chapter ? And If he shows up now, on his own, where is Kreacher ?

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Review #9, by DougA hours later

3rd September 2017:
Okay, this is a decent enough start. I always thought that, having spent his months on the run watching Ginny's dot on the map, that JKR should have had him looking for her as soon as Riddle was dead, instead of deciding that he had weeks and months and years to talk to him. The Ginny of canon would have bat bogied multiple times for his lack of good sense.

I do have a few quibbles. (1) I don't believe that Ron and Hermione would have left Harry. (2) As Harry basically collapses on the floor, I don't believe that Ginny would not have sought a Healer for him. (3) Harry then passes out, still on the floor, and still no effort for medical attention. Maybe Ginny was annoyed with him afterall. (4)Harry passes into sleep, apparently still on the floor, and Ginny apparently goes to sleep with him there. (5) Harry's nightmares cause Ron and Hermione to join them, but only Ron and Hermione. Is no one else in Gryffindor ? And they still leave Harry (and Ginny) on the floor. (6) Ginny breaks down sobbing after Hermione's words, and Ron and Hermione then go back to sleep and leave her sobbing ? Okay, Ron maybe, but not Hermione.

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Review #10, by Jerry Yokomizo the previous 12 months

23rd July 2017:
Well so far I've read three stories about Harry Potter. The 1st one was ok, it was long winded at times. It also centered on Harry and Ginny. The 2nd one was this one. I believe that the chapters could've been longer and told more overall.

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Review #11, by Aurorofthelight getting the weasleys up to speed

19th June 2017:
You have a pretty good story going on but it seems to skip alot. Take your time on this and don't rush it. :D:D:D:D:D:D

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