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1 Reviews Found

Review #1, by JKButcher Diagon Alley

7th September 2016:
I quite enjoyed reading the first two chapters of this. While it doesn't sync with everything that I've long believed to be true, I appreciate that you've put some thought into your version of events. Some character beats that I appreciated include Hermione's "show me Hogwarts," and McGonagall's reaction to the hug.

I do think you missed something of an opportunity to have Hermione marveling over Flourish and Blott's. Being the voracious reader she is, it would have been nice to see her initial reaction both to her school books, and the wider selection of magical tomes at large. By the time book Hermione meets Harry and Ron, she's read through enough books to know more about Harry and Hogwarts than most pure-bloods. Which is not to say that your Hermione needs to be book Hermione, of course. If you have a story to tell, then by all means tell it without getting bogged down in the minutae of staying accurate to canon.

Speaking of minutae... while your sentence structure and grammar are generally good enough so as not to be an imposition upon the reader, there are instances where an improper homonym (latter rather than ladder), or simple typo catch the eye. Nothing that a proper once over couldn't catch. If you don't want to go the beta reader route, I'd urge you to just read through your chapters out loud. You'll spot a lot more simple errors that way. One other thing to note: watch your punctuation when ending a line of dialogue. Half the time you do it correctly, with the punctuation marks inside closing quotation mark "like this." But others you'll do it backwards, "like this". Always stick to the former.

I do hope that this constructive criticism doesn't get you down. As I said at the outset, I did enjoy what you've written, and think that you've done remarkably well for a first story. I look forward to continuing to see both Hermione and yourself learn and improve!

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