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Reading Reviews for Ten Dances
  
5 Reviews Found

Review #1, by SilentConfession Chapter 1: Paso Doble

12th April 2016:
Hi, sorry for the delay.

So, I'm going to give some general comments of what I liked first. I think what stood out to me the most was some of the descriptions you've used and the observations of the world around your characters. I rather liked the opening of this chapter and how it was simply too hot for men to notice woman for instance or the way the apartment was monochromatic. It gave a sense of how lost Ginny feels or how sad she is. So it was an interesting choice of words.

I'm interested to see where this story goes. I'm still trying to figure out if there is magic in your world or just the use of the characters? I think it's just the use of the characters from what I'm seeing and I think it's interesting that you're kept their characterizations and what they're known for - Harry saving the world or Pansy being rich etc. It helps make your story believable.

Generally I think the characters seem real enough so far. I'd like to see a bit more of who Ginny is here and her motivations for joining a dance school. Dance doesn't shout 'security' to me either so I'm curious to know how you'll work with that.

I'm also curious to know why Lavender tries to keep the girls she chooses a secret. So far I don't know how a dance school would need that sort of secrecy, so it makes me think there is something else going on here and it isn't just a dance place otherwise the suspense wouldn't really be needed.
As to some thing I noticed about the first two chapters:

Cigarette packages - isn't it cardboard, so there wouldn't be the clicking?

So I get what you're doing with keeping the young woman's identity a secret until the end and that's a clever and suspenseful tactic. However, throughout the first chapter it isn't clear who you're talking about which makes the transitions a bit hard to follow or to figure out what's actually happening. For instance in the first couple paragraphs you are talking about this woman who is clicking her nails, but then you also have one paragraph starting off with Lavender Brown who is also thinking about life changing things. This makes the reader assume that the finger tapper is actually Lavender. We realize later that it isn't her doing the finger tapping. The POV i suppose is what I'm saying seems a little confusing. So, when you're writing this sort of thing make sure you're intentional with how you're describing things and people. Perhaps having more scene description would help clarify your writing or even having the story start with Lavender Brown was watching the woman across from her tap her fingers... etc. This helps clarify right away that there are two people and the difference between these two.

Twenty storeys above their heads lazy sunlight was filtering through half-closed blends and painting bright stripes on a darkened apartment where stacks of cardboard boxes and covered furniture enjoyed the possibly slimming benefit of a new appearance. -- so storeys should be stories and blends - i think you actually mean blinds? Also this was a long, run on sentence that either needs to be broken up into two sentences or use commas to help clarify your meaning. The whole slimming comment as well - what are you actually trying to say with that? It feels like you're trying to be poetic or create a feeling with the comment, but it doesn't seem like it's actually saying anything. I don't mean to be rude or anything as I probably do this too in my own writing. But make sure that when you are describing things or comparing things that what you're saying is clear and has a purpose.

Those were a couple things I've noticed right off with your writing. The transitions and clarity is something I would recommend work on and that should help your story.

I think your pacing is good so far. You keep introducing new things each chapter that gives us small ideas of what is happening. Not enough for the readers to know for sure what's going on, but just enough for readers to be curious. I really do feel that there is more to this dance school and it seems rather shifty to me. This is exactly what you want if your purpose is to create suspense!

Thank you for requesting me and feel free to re-request if you wish :)

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Review #2, by filledwithwonder Chapter 1: Paso Doble

5th April 2016:
Hello again!

I really enjoyed this chapter. I especially loved how you framed it with the post girl! When I saw I was nearing the end of the chapter I thought it might end somewhat abruptly, but bringing back the post girl really made it feel complete.

I think you really shine in your descriptions. You paint the picture of the settings, characters, and movements so well that I can really see them in my mind's eye. I know I personally am terrible with descriptions, so to read such great description really takes my breath away.

I loved the short conversation with Hermione! I think you stayed true to Hermione's personality, and I loved what you did with the trio's AU life. I adored everything you said about Harry curing cancer or saving the world... I never thought about what he would be like as a muggle but that totally just clicked for me and fit perfectly. And that line where Hermione said Ginny shouldn't call Harry wonder-boy made me giggle.

Madam Pudifoot's as a dance studio is a stroke of freakin' GENIUS. Because of the story title, I was wondering how dance would be integrated, and it was just awesome. (side note: I'm actually reading a novel right now about the life of Rudolf Nureyev, who was a famous Russian ballet dancer, so I've really been into stories about dance lately!)

Luna was great. She had a total of 2 lines of dialogue but she just oozed Luna. And Luna is quite hard to get right! I liked how you introduced Pansy as the privileged, dare I say, popular girl, and I'm excited to see where their relationship goes! I loved this line especially: "When Pansy performed the steps, Ginny was reluctant to admit the obvious, even in the privacy of her own mind." I think I liked it so much because our minds are sort of where we can say whatever we want, so the fact that she doesn't want to say it even to herself really struck a chord.

I think your consistency across both chapters was totally fine! They had similar paces which I think is hard to achieve. We didn't see too much of Lavender, but from what you did mention of her, her character was consistent. And we are just getting to know Ginny's POV, but I think she was true both to the prologue Ginny and to canon Ginny. Again, I think you balanced your dialogue and description well - you're really stellar at describing scenes, feelings, and actions. Personally, I like that your dialogue isn't overwhelming; the characters only say something when something needs to be said, and the dialogue you do use really captures the voice of that character. Plus with such great descriptions the characters don't need to say what they are feeling, because you've captured it in your imagery.

As for giving away too much/too little, the intrigued reader in me wants to say too little, haha. Gold digging??? Zabini??? Lavender with financial prowess??? But in actuality, I think again, you gave enough snippets of the story to draw us in while igniting more questions than answers.

I'm looking forward to reading more!!

-R

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Review #3, by filledwithwonder Prologue: The End

5th April 2016:
Hi Jo! Rach here with your review!

I'll get to your second chapter in a moment, where I will talk about consistency across the two chapters, but for now I want to focus on the prologue!

Right off the bat: I think there is something weird going on with your quotation marks? The opening quotations are at the bottom of the word, and the closing quotations are facing the wrong way. For example: „Can you not stop that for a second?!“ It's the only typo/error I noticed, but as it occurred with all your dialogue it distracted me from the story! This is probably a copy/paste problem, not your fault at all! Just wanted to alert you to it :)

Now, onto the good stuff!

I really, really loved this. I'm VERY intrigued about what exactly Lady Brown's (and I LOVE that she's called Lady Brown) business is, and what made Ginny decide to seek it out. I also liked your mention of Hogwarts. Usually I don't choose to read AUs on my own, but I really didn't miss the magic at all!

At first, the dialogue irked me a little, because the way Lavender speaks is very rigid. As I read on, however, I realized that it fit in with the Lady Brown characterization that I think you were going for, and I ended up really appreciating it. Sometimes its hard to really give a character a distinct voice in dialogue, but I think you managed it here. The Lavender in your story is pretty unrecognizable to the Lavender we know from JKR, but I think that's okay and didn't bother me in the slightest.

Ginny, however, has many qualities reminiscent of her canon characterization, so kudos! The summary made me think it was Ginny from the beginning, but had I not read the summary I think I would have been able to figure it out based on your description of her - and you didn't even have to mention the red hair!

As far as your areas of concern though, I think the characters are believable - especially Ginny. You captured her feelings throughout the interview quite well. I liked Lavender's inner judgements, too. Furthermore, I thought you had a great balance between description and dialogue. You set the scene, included little nuances from both Ginny and Lavender, and also gave us enough character to character interaction.

At the moment, I think you gave away the goldilocks amount of information! I have no idea what Ginny's just signed on for, except that it's posh and she's giving up her bachelorhood, and for some reason Lavender doesn't want a connection made between the women she chooses (and she chooses very few). Basically, I think you've made the reader ask more questions and teased us with answers that scratch the surface, but that is how you hook the reader after all! ;)

Onto the next chapter!

-R

Author's Response: Hello Rach, you lovely reviewer!

Your reviews are SO GOOD to read, I can not begin to tell you how much I appreciate them! They really motivate me to work more on this story.
Please tell me if I can ever do anything to return the favour. I mean it, if you ever want something reviewed you only have to send me the link and I'll know what to do.

The questionmark-situation. I'm literally hanging my head in shame right now. They're German question marks, because try as I might I have not managed to get my text editor to give me English ones. The reason I didn't propperly replace them yet is lack of time, I posted both chapters for the Extravaganza. And the typographer in me felt reluctant to just switch them to the ones my keyboard produces on here ("), I prefer the true ones. But they are definitely on my to-do-list, I promise.

I'm really sorry they annoyed you especially since you took the time to address all of my concerns with so much detail - I'm amazed, thank you so much. And what you wrote was so nice too! I had to look up what "goldilocks" means and I think I blushed. You are such a sweatheart! Thank you.

*breathe* Now that I got used to the excitement: I'm glad you could hear Lavender's voice and I hope her attitude will become clearer in future chapters. And Yay! it's wonderful that you like the AU.

I'm off now, to write tons of new chapters so I can request in your review-thread again. I hope you realise that's what you are getting yourself into being this nice. (That's how you hook the writer after all ;-)
No, don't worry, I'm a slow writer and I promise quotation marks will be fixed by then!

Hugs, if you want them, and lots of love,
Jo


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Review #4, by PaulaTheProkaryote Prologue: The End

1st April 2016:
Hi! I'm not saying that I forgot that I was doing reviews...but it may have somehow slipped my mind. I'm officially blaming the writing extravaganza. Of course the day I decided to review is the day we have the blinding skin on the forum, but that's okay!

The first three paragraphs actually made me feel surprisingly anxious, which is obviously a very good thing. I can just hear the sound of her nails clicking and it's slightly shredding my nerves. Very good details all around!

One thing that this chapter did to my poor soul was destroy it for Lavender.

"Lavender felt ancient when confronted with this sort of excited hopefulness."

I loved (but also hated because it made me feel too much) this line. When I think of Lavender, I think of a bright, fun young girl. She's hated by a lot of fans only because of the fact that she rivaled our darling Hermione. I think it's easy to dumb her down into a cardboard character, but you've given her some real dimension. In reality, she was just a teenage girl being a teenage girl. This line hurts so much because she was clearly forced to grow up. She was robbed of that innocence.

MISS WEASLEY! *gasp* I seriously did gasp. I should probably start reading the story summaries so I'm not so shocked.

Overall, I think it was very eloquently written and I can't wait to read on! I enjoyed Lavender as a character because despite being so broken, she's still so strong and ruthless. Ginny was antsy, but fiery which I think is a very apt description of her.

Author's Response: Hi Paula.

Haha, the skin really was awful :D I had to squint to read your review. On the other hand, I got to read your review, so it was also great :)

It's so good, reading that the details work for you. I was already way too pleased with myself and then I read that the idea I have about Lavender really works for you and I'm even happier.

I'm glad I could both make you feel anxious and make you hate my chapter - what more could a woman want? :D

And, yes, Miss Weasley... *cough*

I've never before plotted something and had the pleasure to experience how readers react to my ideas. It makes me way too happy - that's exactly what Binca warned me about, about it being addictive.

Thank you so much for taking the time to review!


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Review #5, by alicia and anne Prologue: The End

28th March 2016:
Is this a Pansy/Ginny story? I don't think that I've ever read a Pansy/Ginny but I'm so excited!!

Okay, those are so fabulous descriptions right there! I am in awe with how beautiful you write!

I wonder who Lavender is talking to? - I love how you describe them by the way!

I wonder what this other person has planned, I'm so intrigued by it! What requirements has she met?

Oh it's Ginny! I wonder what Ginny is up to and how Lavender is involved?

Such an interesting first chapter, with just the right amount of information to make me want more! :D

I can't wait to read the second one!

Author's Response: I can neither confirm nor deny any romantic involvement future or past between Ms Weasley and Ms Parkinson.

But I'm glad to hear you liked the chapter and that it worked for you :) it's really interesting to read what questions you asked yourself.

Thank you for reviewing, if you do read the second chapter too please let me know what you think of it as well :)


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