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2 Reviews Found

Review #1, by MadiMalfoy I. i professionally suck at life

12th August 2016:
Hi Lily! I'm here for the review you requested a couple weeks ago on HPFT!

You asked for comments on grammar, punctuation, characterization, and overall flow of the story, so I'll try and touch on all of those!

From what I was able to notice, your grammar is fairly solid. One thing I caught was in the line "Louis, your late." -- it should be 'you're' not 'your' but other than that I didn't catch any obvious mistakes. You do have a few punctuation errors - in the line "I wonder aloud..." you have the comma before aloud but it should be after. Also a general punctuation rule is in dialogue, if your tag (i.e. he says) is after the spoken words, then the dialogue punctuation should be like so: "words words words," he says. with a comma instead of a period at the end of the sentence and the pronoun lowercase unless it's a name. Punctuation is good other than that. :)

As far as characterization goes, I think you've done a good job with introducing us to Louis and also Hermione, Rose, and Hugo to the readers. The one thing I would change is perhaps remind the readers that Louis is the son of Bill & Fleur -- while it's canon information, some people may not be familiar with the next generation and whose kids are whose, or may have forgotten (like I did initially), etc. Louis seems like he's had some trouble after Hogwarts and kind of keeps to himself, which could definitely lead to some interesting family interactions! You've set the tone for the plot very easily here and it flows pretty smoothly as well. It's a great start to what I'm sure will be a great story about Louis Weasley.

Feel free to re-request for anything else or the next chapter of this story once it's up! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Hey Madi, thanks for reviewing!

Fewf, I'm glad! Yeah, I've gotten a lot better at writing in the past few months since I joined HPFF, so my grammar is getting better. But I definitely will fix the "you're" "your" thing ASAP. The punctuation too!

That's a good tip, I see how some might be confused by that. I'll see what I can do when I find time.

Thank you so much (again), and I hope you have an amazing day!

-ImaRavenclaw xoxo

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Review #2, by SilverMoonFairy I. i professionally suck at life

28th July 2016:
TAG! 'Ello, darlin'! *salute*

I really want to read Nothing But Perfect, but I can't seem to find the time to fit in the reading. I will get to it, in my own time, but maybe not for tag, hahaha! So, before I even begin this chapter, I'm super excited that you're doing a Louis story! I have him featured in one of my short stories and I'm rather fond of him so I can't wait to see what you do!

Omg, I love him already! And it's funny that Dom has a fashion gig lined up cause I did something similar. *squee* so much love for this so far! Poor Louis, though! I have been in his shoes. I've even smacked my head into a few bookshelves... *whistles*

Oo, Scorose insert and poor Al is denied a Scorbus. Tsk, tsk, tsk. I'm glad that's not the focus of the story- I've had my heart plenty trampled by Scorose/bus triangles...

I like that Louis isn't all knowing about the goings-on in his family. WHy IS HE JUST LIKE UNCLE CHARLIE?!?! (Does Uncle Charlie fancy boys?)

So, I'm really curious as to why they fired Louis. Did he miss goals too much? Did they find someone better? Is there any chance he could go try out for a new team? He doesn't seem very interested in a Ministry job...


And now some technicals!

The first one is a bit odd because it's the chapter title, but did you mean to have a lower case 'i?'

But I don't understand Lou, you we're the best keeper.
Do you understand what your father meant when he told you that you we're like your Uncle Charlie?
We're = were

It's good to finally be somewhat open, but I know Dad's gonna' flip out.
Random apostrophe!

He's had more crushes on guys then girls.
Then = than

I mean, it doesn't take a guinness to figure it out.
Guinness = genius

That's all I have! Great first chapter! Louis is a very interesting character here, sort of like all my favorite laid back, 'this is lame' anime characters, hahaha! See ya later!

Author's Response: Hey Liz!

Oh my god this story is so embarrassing! It is a little older, and I have gotten so much better at writing in the past few months. I am so glad you pointed all that stuff, I'm fixing that RIGHT NOW! I am so so grateful to you. The chapter title is meant to be all lower cases though.

That's great for you! I hope it works out!

Yes, *blushes* Charlie fancies boys!

I haven't actually decided yet, but we'll see!

I'm glad you liked it, despite all of my horrendous mistakes. Wherever you are in the world I hope you have a lovely day, and thank you for reviewing.


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