2 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Felpata Lupin i. Discovery

31st March 2016:
Here with your requested review!
Ah, first stories... It's so thrilling and scary but rewarding, too, isn't it?

I really like the idea behind this. A son of the Dark Lord, grown without any knowledge of his heritage and discovering the truth only in the day of his fall, through a newspaper article... That must've been a big shock...

It was interesting how you built Salazar's character, his illustrious ancestry, his extraordinary magical talents, his desire of getting out and know the world.

And I'm also quite curious about his mother. You said she met Tom at school, and I can see that he was a charming boy back then... but what happened later? Did he actually care for her as much as she cared for him? Wasn't she repulsed by what he became later? Which kind of woman is she? On one hand I see her as a sort of Merope Gaunt, on the other I feel she must've been much strongrr than that, but it's hard to say... maybe you'll reveal more later on...

CC time... I have to agree with the other review. What you did would be much more powerful if you tried to show more than tell. While your plot was interesting, the style felt a tiny bit flat, you know? It seemed to lack a bit of feeling... I can see that this isn't simple, especially when you want to give a detailed background. And this is your first attempt, so you have plenty of time and space for improving! This site is a wonderful place for it! ;)

One last thing (little grammar note, not important, but I thought I'd mention it). Be careful with apostrophes, I noticed you skipped a few... :P

Congratulations on posting your first story! And welcome in our beautiful HPFF family! We are happy to have you here!!! :D

Keep the story going!
Love, hugs and cuddles!

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Review #2, by Gail Welin i. Discovery

22nd March 2016:

That's a strong plot you're going for here, I'm already interested in what Salazar is going to do next now that he's found out who his father truly was!

If you don't mind my opinion on this (I'm going for constructive criticism [CC]), you're telling more than you're showing. By narrating all the readers needs to know, you take away some of the passion and impact the information you procure should awaken. Don't get me wrong; you tell the reader all the right things! Maybe just a little too much at the same time?
Some details you provide are essential to understanding the character that is Salazar Riddle (and he is quite interesting) but not necessarily to the chapter and story progression. Since you're building up to a plot twist at the end of the chapter, you could go for a "a day in the life" scenario where you describe Salazar doing the things that make him so interesting (like chatting up a bee, for example :p ) and feelings the feels that you listed (frustration, anger, being locked in a golden cage, thinking of girls, etc) and then slap the reader in the face with a quiet, peaceful moment before the mother reads the newspaper and breaks down.

I really like the way Salazar finds out what became of Tom Riddle - very dramatic! The mother's reaction had me wondering, though; was she a purist? A Voldemort follower? Or just still madly in love with the memory of how Tom Riddle had been for her?
Also, you mention she's distantly related to Dumbledore and a direct descendant of Merlin - that had me wonder if Albus (or Aberforth) is aware of her existence!
Also, I've noticed Salazar waits at least half a day before rushing to read the newspaper that put his mother in such a state. And that newspaper is still on the ground where they left it. Now, I get that he was at her side the entire time, taking care of her. Also, he's lived a sheltered life that revolves around his mother and animals. But during the time she was dazed and confused, before he helped her go get some rest, why didn't he itch to read the newspaper? (I'm just pointing this detail out for consistency's sake, it's a tiny detail that has little effect on the plot but you could exploit it maybe).

You have a few missing apostrophes here and there (mostly "hed" and "moms behaviour") and you sometimes have "Mum"vs"mum" but there's nothing major I could spot. You have a strong, varied vocabulary and I can only recommend you maybe add some meat to those skins and bones (add some descriptions) :p
I can't wait to find out how Salazar will cope with the news!

P.S: Congratulations on getting your first chapter online, fellow Snake! I hope my thoughts on it help you get at least a vague idea of what a reader might feel like when stumbling upon your story!
Also, don't feel like you need to answer my questions here, if you already have an answer for them, I'm looking forward to reading about it ;)

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