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Reading Reviews for Symptoms Of You
  
1 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Jo Raskoph Symptoms Of You

6th March 2016:
— for the HPFF review-A-thon —

Hi xBlack Paradisex.

I found that Symptoms Of You had an interesting plot and the pacing was nice and swift, which I really enjoy in fiction.
With such fast changes between scenes it would be really helpful to follow the storyline if you could mark changes in scenes (maybe by inserting an asterisk* or maybe a horizontal line?). The breaks would help structure your story and let the reader know that a certain amount of time has passed.

I was really excited about the bit where Draco says MacGonagall told him Hermione would help him – I like to think of her as a romantic and if she knew about Hermione’s crush I wouldn’t put it past her to try her hand in match making ;-)

What could really make your writing more varied would be more diversity in sentence structure. Not many, but some paragraphs contain almost exclusively sentences starting with a name or personal pronoun (he/she/they) and this repetitive structure can get a little bit tiring to read.
A short example would be this paragraph: „She kept her promise…“

Lastly I’d like to remark that your writing could benefit greatly from working with a beta reader to prevent minor typos as well as random switches between present and past tense. These are tiny mistakes but they can distract the reader from your story and that’s a pity.
(“Granger?" She head him …“– minor typo)
(„shook her hear.“ – again, maybe an auto-correct issue?)
(„Severous please“ – without the o)

Thank you for sharing your story!

Author's Response: Wow, thank you. I must have missed a few of the typos. I am actually taking classes to better my writing, and I am getting pretty good. I wrote this before I started those classes, I just never posted it. I will definitely keep an eye out.

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