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Reading Reviews for The Tale of Vasilisa
  
1 Reviews Found

Review #1, by maraudergeek The Tale of Vasilisa

25th January 2016:
Hey, here for our review swap!

First of all, I am in love with this idea! I got to the end and couldn't believe what she'd done! I just have a few constructive criticisms before I gush too much about your story :)

Her mother was seamstress, one who harboured magical powers which Vasilisa incorrectly believed were unique. Her mother’s hair was dark, and tightly wound into curls black as the night.

I think here, this descriptive sentence at the end is a bit awkward. I would suggest incorporating it into the dialogue after she comments on her mother's hair, for effect. For example:

“Mama,” she said one night as she gazed up at her mother's hair, black as the night and tightly wound into curls. “I wish I had hair like yours.”

For me, I feel like this would flow a little bit better, especially with the description of her hair, which I think is very well written.

The man’s eyes widened, and Vasilisa felt herself being ushered through the doors of the ballroom, to a garden. He sat down at a bench, and Vasilisa joined him. The stranger admitted that he was Godric Gryffindor, and the reason for the theme of the ball was so that he could meet potential suitresses without his identity exposed. Vasilisa, her own identity a secret at the ball, was empathetic towards his situation. By the end of the night, Godric had taken her to meet his father, and their wedding was set for the following week.

I would love it if you could expand on this paragraph and go into it a little more :) I've enjoyed your writing style immensely thus far, and I feel like this is a big moment, him revealing his identity and them deciding to get married, that it deserves some dialogue and back and forth.

“Thomas!” he called, rushing down the steps. Vasilisa was speechless. Her husband knew him.

“I… your mother told me you died as a baby,” he said, embracing the man. “But there’s no way I wouldn’t recognize my son.”


Okay, you're going to hate me, but I feel like she needs to ruin this reunion a little. Maybe even if she looks angry, and he sees her expression and tries to smooth it over. I feel like this would be a more genuine reaction, and flow a bit better with the story. The dialogue also seems a bit forced here, so I think changing her reaction would improve it.

I really enjoyed this story, both the idea and the writing. There were a few moments that I felt like you rushed through it a little bit, especially towards the end. I would love more detail! Especially character development, which I think you did really well with Vasilisa in the beginning, but I'd like to see a bit more into her life with Godric and maybe some specific interactions between Godric, Thomas, Phillip, and Vasilisa.

Overall, I really enjoyed this story, so please don't delete it! It really was entertaining, and I love the twist at the end. I think if you just include more character development and dialogue, this would be perfect! The whole idea of abused stepdaughter turned evil stepmother is brilliant, especially considering we usually see Cinderella as good. Nice twist :)

Thanks for the swap, I really enjoyed this story :) I'm not usually one for Founders fics, so I wouldn't have read it otherwise, but now I'm intrigued by this era… Hm….

-Maraudergeek

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