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Reading Reviews for (1) The Grand Scheme of Things
  
11 Reviews Found

Review #1, by SilverMoonFairy Chapter 2 - Death is a Barrier

21st May 2016:
BvB Alert! Your friendly neighborhood Liz here!

Awww, Lee! It's so cute that she actually argued with the hat to be in Ravenclaw and so brave of her to stand up and hide Olly from the hall so he would feel safe and calm! She's only known him a few hours, but they're already better friends than Harry and Ron! So cute!

The story is shaping up very well so far. I love Clara and Olly, which makes me wonder what's going to happen to make me not like them anymore. No matter what story I read, there is always a part where my favorite characters do something that make me hate them for that moment.

Interesting answer to get into the common room! And not a very good role model to the student to have a Prefect who can't even answer the riddle. For shame, sandy-blonde pointy-face!

Okay, okay, now for the things that may need fixing and the things that should be fixed.

Clara is a Muggle-born. I find it very odd that the hat would try to sort her into Slytherin at all and even more odd that Oliver, born into Wizarding, doesn't find it odd. If there is something in the plot later on that would suggest why she would have been a Slytherin candidate, but if Oliver knows anything about the houses at all, I feel like he should wonder that the hat tried to put her there.

Okay, everything else is just technicals.

"..." a amused sounding voice..." -should be 'an.'

"...nicest I've every drank." -should be 'ever.'

I also find the sentence describing the Prefect Nita to be rather long. I don't think you should change it, but I do think you should turn it into shorter sentences? The longness of it makes it read awkwardly, I think anyway.

One more technical, when your quotes end without a ! or a ? and the non-dialogue begins as "he said" or "she said" or something similar, the quote should end with a comma, not a period.

Ex. "The treacle tart is delectable," she said.

I didn't really notice it in the first chapter, but it jumped out at me here.

Oh! Oh! Before I forget! I love the Headmistress' speech! (McGonagall I presume?) "Grawp ate my homework!" Love it! I suppose in Harry' first year, he might have tried feeding his to Fluffy. ^_^

Who is the Deputy Head now? Very curious!!!

Okay, that's all for now, I think! Have a wonderful day!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing!

Yeah, the headmistress is McGonagall. She's still hanging in there at the moment, and I wanted to keep that part canon. I've made a note of the technical errors you've pointed out and will change them asap.

Once again, thanks for reviewing :D


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Review #2, by SilverMoonFairy Chapter 1 - Talking instead of Stalking

19th May 2016:
Oh, Olly is so adorable!

Liz here with your BvB review! You've left me two lovely reviews now, so I'm glad to be able to tag you back!

I love, love, love your writing style so far! I love this sort of first person where it's sort of present tense and you're right in the moment with it. Oliver is such a great character and his anxieties make him pretty endearing. I love that he's made such a friend who looks like she could be a rock for him.

I'm curious to know why the boys were spying myself. Nice bit of quick wit there- Olly and Clara make a good team!

Two quick things:
'I didn't felt the jolt...' - I think you meant feel?

'Panic, attacking me.' - Nothing wrong with this statement, I just wanted to bring it to light and say that I love it, it's my favorite!

Oooh, I can't wait to see what houses they're put into! You have such a lovely start here!

Have a wonderful day!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review :) I'll change the little mistake you pointed out as soon as Chapter 6 is out.

Thanks again,

~ Lee


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Review #3, by Veritaserum27 Chapter 1 - Talking instead of Stalking

18th May 2016:
Hi again!

I'm here for the BvB review battle once more. I decided to start with your most recent story this time, and it also looks like the one you've put the most time into.

I really like how you've set the scene for this first chapter. We meet (what I presume to be) the two main characters and they are both lovable, empathetic, flawed and personable. Using first person POV is a good choice here, because I really feel sympathetic to Olly's angst. Your descriptions of the panic attack are well done and even a little too good at times, because I found myself having a difficult time breathing. You never strayed from the focus being the main character, but at the same time, we learn a lot about Clara - and her personality and fears as well.

Olly seems to suffer quite a bit from low self esteem and I hope he and Clara get sorted into the same house, but I also want him to learn that he can make other friends as well - I mean really! It's only the first day, Olly!

The chapter provided a little bit of everything: it set the scene for the story, gave us two characters to care about, got going on a little bit of plot with the other boys (I wonder who the boy is that looked so familiar?), and even gave us a few chuckles!

Great job!

♥ Beth

Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing my story! It's basically my child (I know that sounds really weird, but that's how I feel about it) so I'm glad you liked it.

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Review #4, by adluvshp Chapter 5 - Three's a Crowd... or is it Four?

17th May 2016:
Hey! Here for your much delayed requested review from the forums. I meant to R&R the first chapter but I ended up reading all the chapters and decided to review this one.

I really like the story so far! Clara is a strong character and I like your portrayal of her. Oliver is just too adorable though. And it was cute how he was jealous. Obviously, his worry of losing Clara to Hayley makes sense - it shows how much he cares for her. Hayley does seem like a nice character too though. And by the way, kudos to you for showing Ollie's anxiety in a natural manner.

All in all, I really liked reading this story, and I hope to be back to read more. Your descriptions and dialogues are really good, and the plot is well-mapped. The characters are real and relatable, and the story seems headed in a good direction.

Oh and before I close off, I've to say, I loved this line: Iíve been at this school for two and a half days, and Iím yet to meet an eleven-year-old who actually acts like an eleven-year-old.

Haha.

Great job! Keep writing!

Cheers
Angie
(lost muse)

Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing my story. It's my pride and joy, so I'm glad you like it :D Chapter 6 will be out soon.

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Review #5, by TidalDragon Chapter 1 - Talking instead of Stalking

30th April 2016:
Hello there and sorry I'm so late. The last 5-6 weeks have been like something out of a nightmare.
Anyway, I am here now to deliver your long overdue review!

I'll start by saying that I think you've got a good thing going with your characters so far. Though we only really get to know much of Olly and Clara at this point, they are differentiable in terms of their backgrounds, personalities, and speech and in truth, very complementary. I definitely enjoy that you haven't shied away from giving the flaws too. For Olly's part, what seems quite interesting is how differently he handles his flaw from Clara. It could prove to merely be a personality difference, but I hope she'll help him grow to treat his flaws more like she treats her gap - as something to acknowledge and that it's okay to sometimes feel self-conscious about, but not as something to define you.

Mechanically, I thought you also mustered a good balance between dialogue and description and inner thought along with a simplicity of language that is quite appropriate for the characters given their ages - keep that up!

Interested to see how the rest of the story develops! Hope the review helped and if you want a follow-up, just let me know!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review!

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Review #6, by fwoopersong8 Chapter 4 - Trouble is Brewing

30th March 2016:
"Gryffindors are shouty." That is probably the best thing I have read all day. That pretty much sums up my opinion of Gryffindors, I guess. And I'm a Ravenclaw too! It's fun to find a story about us. We're usually considered the...boring house or something. (I don't even write Ravenclaws that much because of that. And I AM a Ravenclaw.)

I'm concerned about Clara. That missing tooth, her language, her reluctance to talk about her parents or go home to them...it sounds like she has a pretty bad home life. I'm glad her brother is nice. If weird. Thank goodness for weird relatives. :)

On the forums you mentioned that Olly was unobservant, but I haven't observed that so far. (Of course, I'm unobservant too. And I'm reading from Olly's viewpoint so maybe my unobservance fails to observe what he doesn't observe. Because it can't. Because...does this make sense anymore? Never mind.)

~Songs

Author's Response: Thanks so much for your review!

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Review #7, by adluvshp Chapter 1 - Talking instead of Stalking

13th March 2016:
Hey there! I'm Lost Muse from over at the HPFF forums for a review!

I really enjoyed this! Your plot seems very promising and I'm very excited to read about a boy who has anxiety entering Hogwarts for the first time. His characterisation so far is really good - I like how he comes from a wizarding family and knows magical stuff but doesn't look down upon muggle-borns or anything like that. I also like the way you write his anxiety/panic attacks - it's believable. The narrative works well there and your descriptions are good.

Clara seems interesting too. Your portrayal of her is good and I'm looking forward to finding out more about her. She is friendly and nice, and I like how her interactions with Oliver went. It all flowed naturally.

All in all, I quite liked it. It's a great opening chapter and I hope to come back for more. Good job!

Cheers
Angie
(Lost Muse)

R E N C A L M - Operation Green With Envy - Slytherin.

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! I hope you enjoy the rest of the story :)

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Review #8, by Felpata Lupin Chapter 1 - Talking instead of Stalking

8th March 2016:
Hello!
Here with your requested review (so, so, so sorry for the lateness... too many things going on, both in real life and on here...)

So, first, I love your description! You really have a talent for that! I could picture everything clearly in my mind, which doesn't happen always, so great job! :D

And I was truly impressed by how you wrote the panic aattack. I could really feel what Olly was feeling. It was very accurate and relatable.

Clara is an interesting character. She seems very mature for her age. I already love their building friendship. And I found amusing how you enlightened the differences between muggle and wizarding lives. I really enjoyed it all. Especially Clara's reaction at the idea of the Sorting Hat. Ahahah. It does sound pretty crazy if you look at it from an outside perspective. :P

Just two things that didn't quite convince me in that matter are the fact that she was using her ipod (wouldn't it go crazy on a train full of wizards?) and her rebate when she was asked if she was muggleborn (how does she know that wizards don't know about muggle tecnology?) Then, again, those are just my opinions. You're totally free to disagree.

Very curious about the three boys who were spying on them... loved the witty retorts, btw! (Side note. Since I'm a Marauder maniac, the first thing I thought when I read the chapter title was something about James starting to mature up on Lily... is this a sentence, btw?)
Anyway, I loved that scene, and the talking instead of stalking bit. Hilarious!

I'm also very curious about their sorting... I really can't guess where they'll end up to. Funny, how he thought she was fitting for any house while he was for none. (Which of course is not true, but everyone with such low self-esteem would feel that way... not a Slytherin, that's for sure!)

I need to leave you a little CC before leaving you. I felt the narration was a bit too fragmented. There are some points when the transition from one scene to another lacks a bit of smoothness and cohesiveness. But once again, maybe it's just me.

Aside from that, this was a really great chapter. Interesting start for a story. Feel free to re-request (I'm slow, but I'll get back to you sooner or later) because I'm very curious about what will happen next! ;)

Good work!
Chiara

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I've re-read the chapter and I agree completely with your CC. I'll start working on that after I publish the fifth chapter :D

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Review #9, by Dirigible_Plums Chapter 1 - Talking instead of Stalking

4th March 2016:
Hey,

It's Plums here with your requested review. Unfortunately, I don't review more than one requested chapter at a time so I won't be able to share my thoughts on the following chapters (I mean, I'm composing this halfway throygh the night when I should be sleeping.)

One thing that shone out to me was your portrayal of anxiety. I had a friend who had really bad social anxiety and I myself was really self-conscious for a few years (though I am aware they are different things) so I think you brought it to life so well. The way Olly can't help panicking over small things and how he feels so ashamed and helpless are so realistic. I feel so much compassion for him, especially because I know that teenagers can be cruel to anyone that's different.

I could be good friends with Clara. I mean, City of Ashes? I read that series and loved it!

I adored how she didn't make Olly feel bad about anything. She was just calm and accepting and a little curious. We need more people like her in this world. I look forward to seeing more of her in the future.

You've just slid in so many important messages here and I love it, especially because Olly and Clara are young so their acceptance just proves that it should be natural and ingrained in us. For example, when I saw this part - ďThere isnít such a thing as a 'girl book', Clara. There are books and there are books.Ē - I could not stop smiling.

I think my main critiques are formatting and dialogue tags. When it comes to the latter, it's important to remember that if a dialogue tag follows speech, you don't use a full stop inside the speech e.g:

ďLetís get our stuff ready[,]" I say.

There are several instances of similar mistakes littered throughout the chapter so I thought it'd be worth pointing out.

I hope this helps! (And now I really need to go to sleep because I've been writing gibberish toward the end of your review for a while now.)

Plums xo

Author's Response: I'm glad my story was realistic. I have a friend with anxiety and I based Olly's character on him, as well as my own experiences with paranoia. I'll work on the formatting and dialogue tags asap. Thank you so much for reviewing :)

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Review #10, by SPJaymo117 Chapter 2 - Death is a Barrier

28th February 2016:
Interesting take on things. Liking the respective characters more and more. I'd always thought of Hufflepuff as having the greatest diversity but I guess your depiction is also quite true. Slytherin and Gryffindor are by far the most polarized.

Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing!

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Review #11, by SPJaymo117 Chapter 1 - Talking instead of Stalking

28th February 2016:
Great story Lee!

Really liked both the characters off the bat. I loved the realistic vulnerability that they both showed and the mix between muggle and magical knowledge. Looking forward to following this one.

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review!

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