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16 Reviews Found

Review #1, by velajune Nostalgia

9th April 2016:
Back again!
Three in a row. Didn't think it'd be so quick. When you voiced your concern, I really thought there'd be a big problem with the story, but I'm breezing through the third chapter quite easily. I only stopped reading to write this because I didn't want to forget... Cuddly Cannons. Hahaha, that's going to stick with me forever. Lol

Like I said in the previous review, I really like Lachlan's character and the good, almost positive, influence he is for Thalia. He's nosy but knows when to step back to let her breathe a little. My only problem is, he feels like he's always hitting on her, but hmm Thalia needs some distraction from herself, really. lol And I can always ship that...

Fred Weasley II working in a pet shop... maybe Charlie's been influencing the boy the past 6 years. Definitely, not what I expected, but I like it. He's quirky and funny like his namesake, but he's his own character. I truly like it.

I'm curious as to how much of the details in your story you have already thought of. I can't wait for the next chapter!

Honestly, I don't see the problem. Your writing is amazing and the flow of the story is smooth. The conversations roll off my tongue easily and I'm brought into the world you've created with ease.

It may just be an under-appreciated story. :)
A bit of promoting here and there from you, and past readers like myself, I'm sure it'll pick up some traffic it isn't already. Also, I'd love to see a story banner just to see which actors you had in mind. xD

June

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Review #2, by velajune Beginning Again

9th April 2016:
Hey bigpotterfan,

So, I've now finished the second chapter. :)

The opening was really good. I can already see the difference between 16-year-old and 22-year-old Thalia. You delivered maturity through her words fairly well and was still able to keep intact the voice that I already recognized as hers from the first chapter.

I got goosebumps reading this line: "However, it’s one thing knowing and another actually doing." I know that in the earlier chapter you mentioned that the story was fashioned, somewhat, after your own experiences. And this line, though common, was just hair-raising and spine-chilling. The fact that it's so common makes Thalia's strange life seem more familiar to someone who's probably never been in that situation or anywhere close. In this chapter, there's a lot of these little details that build the hardship and make her relatable. Great job!

I definitely think, you wrote the second chapter a lot better. Each line rolls off the tongue quite easier than the first. And the conversations feel more natural than they were between 16-year-old Thalia and Rose. I liked that we got to know Landry more as he was one of the characters I was looking forward to seeing more in her life. I just love Landry's ridiculously funny character.

As I read the story, I kept remembering your summary and realizing, 'Oh! This is where that line fits' or 'Aww Landry, that's not why' and having these reactions is a sign that your writing is connecting with every detail forementioned. So again, great job!

big issue.There's also moments like: "He looks at his watch and sighs, ‘five more minutes and we’re off.’ ‘Pretty good guess, there,’ Winnie smiles at her husband" where I think not enough was said, but it's not a big issue.

Lachlan is a pleasure to meet. He's so strange and funny. I laughed at Thalia's first impression (when she hears his name) and was easily convinced with his easy-going attitude towards Thalia. Like Thalia, I enjoyed their exchange of words also.

What I liked about Lachlan is that there's a sense of similarity between him and Thalia, but still quite the stark difference. It's looking at two kids with different sucky childhood and seeing them older, and wanting to be free from that past.

And so leads me to say, my favorite part of this story, this chapter, is always when Thalia is talking, but not really saying anything. Her pain feels quite familiar to me, and her restraint so similar to my own. There's a kind of sad beauty to those excerpts. I truly appreciate them and I think, they really show not only Thalia's changes but also a bit of you, the author.

Overall, I think this chapter was by far superior to the first and it's just so well written. I can't wait to read the next!
June

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Review #3, by velajune Six Years Earlier

8th April 2016:
Hey bigpotterfan,

First of all, I apologize for the incredibly late response to your request. I won't make excuses and just get to what you wished for me to do. :) I hope that this helps you in some way.

I've actually read your story once before and am re-reading it again now that I'm catching up with my requests. And I think, my rereading it will help with how I see the story and the possible reasons to your drop of readership.

There're quite a few grammatical errors. I think your story would benefit in having a beta-reader, someone who can just sweep through your story and clean up the bits that you've probably become immune to. Often, that occurs when we reread our own writing many times.

For this chapter, I found Thalia's narration to be charming at times and other times, it would fall flat, but I can't say for sure yet as I would like to reread the other chapters- which I am actually doing now. If this comes up again, I'll be sure to go further into detail about it. Though I did think, you could've gotten more out of the confession and also the abusive nature of the stepmother (of course, making sure to follow the rules of the archive). I love how borderline psychotic Romilda has become in your story because she's always felt a bit unhinged to me. Lol

The story escalated real quickly and I would've loved a longer well-written build up just to get us attached to Thalia, to the idea of her broken heart, and possibly telling us the story of her relationship with her stepmother earlier on.

There were also places during the Unbreakable Vow scene that I didn't understand... Like when Romilda wasn't completing her sentences. I thought that was a little strange or I'm just not understanding that part.

Aside from your request, I'm quite intrigued with the story and how Thalia will grow. Your Rose is a pretty interesting interpretation and James, oh James, is much like his grandfather. I'm almost remiss about his character just because I dislike it. Lol, But maybe that's me siding with Thalia's broken heart.

I'd just like to add also, I had to double take with your Next-Gen Fred. Almost broke my heart to see his name as a Next-Gen rather than the Fred we've all come to know, but I do like your Fred so far.

See you in the next chapter!
June

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Review #4, by ... Ominous

8th February 2016:
Ahh James he is a mean, mean and confused little boy. I hope he falls at her feet begging for forgiveness at one point. I feel bad for sam I feel like she was a little mean to him and I hope he doesn't give up on her because I want them to get together again briefly, just so the jealousy can flow from Lachlan from James from anyone who might like her and be seeing green.

Author's Response: I enjoyed reading your review and hearing your thoughts on the characters. You'll have to keep on reading to find out what happens.

James isn't all mean, he's just struggling a lot.

Thank you!


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Review #5, by bali Pain

24th January 2016:
ohh this was a good chapter the only thing that can beat it is the james and thalia confrontation... i just can't wait for the next chapter how long do you estimate until you put it up?

Author's Response: Thank you. Well Thalia and James's confrontation is coming up... It should be up tomorrow or very soon.

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Review #6, by ravenclaw_princess Beginning Again

18th January 2016:
Hi. I'm finally here for your requested review. You asked for chapter 2 specifically, but I did read chapter 1 so I knew what was happening.

I found chapter 1 to be very interesting and well written. I learnt quite a lot about Thalia and the dynamics of her family and the evilness of Romilda. Thalia was quite broken by the end of the chapter and it's understandable that she chose to run away.

I found this chapter to be a little dialogue heavy with lots of banter between the characters, but I was left feeling a bit confused about who they all were and how they fitted into the context of Thalia's life now. I fell like a little more information was required, like what is Clover Farm, what is her role there? I also want to get more of a sense of what Thalia is thinking; there is a lot of description of what she is doing, but I want to know more about what she is feeling, what emotions are running through her head when she sees the familiar sights or hears the name Romilda.

The first few paragraphs were good as they gave an insight into where Thalia had been the last few years and how she had never really been able to find herself after what Romilda had done. It's like the only way she will be able to face those demon's is to stop running away from them and come home. There were little hints about her past, like a troubled relationship in New Zealand maybe...and it will be interesting to see how these have affected her life and brought her to this point.

Lachlan seems like a pretty happy and interesting character. It looks like Winnie is trying to push them together and you never know.she might succeed...at least he's not a Potter.

Spelling and grammar were pretty good and the chapter generally flowed well; I'd just like to see a little more explanation in places to understand the context of her location and circumstances, and also maybe a little more reflection to link back into chapter 1.

I'll be happy to review further chapters for you if you'd like and PM me if you have any questions.

Jacqui

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Review #7, by Mangoe Courage

18th January 2016:
its so hard to find a great story on this site because so many of these authors don't know how to write an interesting and captivating synopsis, you have the absolute best blurb i have ever read and where it may be brief, but damn it tells you what an amazing story this is going to be even if your writing was crap (which its not) it still makes you pause and read the first chapter.

Author's Response: Thank you for your lovely comment. I'm glad you found the summary intriguing, and I hope you enjoyed the rest of the story. It means a lot to me.

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Review #8, by lauren banger Courage

15th January 2016:
hope it comes out soon i want to read it so bad. thanks for the great story i am really enjoying it so far and can't wait for the confrontations. will there be any other pov in your story?

Author's Response: Thank you for your lovely review. I'm really glad you like it. The story will mostly be in Thalia's point of view as it's her story. However, towards the end James will write some bits, so watch this space.

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Review #9, by ... Six Years Earlier

15th January 2016:
this story has a lot of potential and i really can't wait to read what happens next...

Author's Response: Thank you! I'll be updating in the next few days as the 5th chapter has already been written and just needs a final edit.

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Review #10, by Ripdobby Nostalgia

10th January 2016:
Love love love it! Please write more soon!

Author's Response: Thank you, I'm glad you liked it!

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Review #11, by EllaWeasley Nostalgia

10th January 2016:
I'm extremely intrigued by this story. I love how you've written Thalia, Lachlan and their relationship. The Phoenix center sounds very interesting, but I'm curious about how it came to be. When was it opened? Who made it ?

The story Thalia tells about her and James is very cute. I like that they live in Godric's Hollow, it really fits. I'm surprised Fred didn't suspect something was up. Maybe that will come up in the next chapter. Also, I wonder why he isn't working at the Weasley joke shop.

Well done. I can't wait for the next chapter!

Author's Response: Thank you for your review. The Phoenix Centre came to me one day, and I fell in love with it. It started after the Battle of Hogwarts as an anniversary present and monument and just grew from there. You'll have to read more to get the full history of the Centre.

Yeah, I had fun writing Fred. I wanted to show that people's dreams and hopes change over time, and that sis years is a long time.

I'm glad you enjoyed it and I will be updating soon!


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Review #12, by Roka Beginning Again

4th January 2016:
Hi, bigpotterfan, just wanted to tell you I absolutely love your story about Thalia, please write more! It's a lovely mixture between darkyness (if you know what I mean), romance and humor. The little clashs between Lachlan and Thalia for example are really fun. Will they get together, I wonder?
What did Thalia mean when she mentioned a break up? With whom did she break up?? I do hope we'll find out soon!
I don't know what exactly it is, but the way you're writing makes me feel as if Thalia's sitting right next to me, telling her story. You make her sound so real :) Again: please write more about her soon!
Looking forward to the next chapter,
Roka

Author's Response: Thank you for your comment and I'm very glad you like it. You'll have to carry on reading to find out if Lachlan and Thalia get together.

The break up was with her fiancee who knows the truth about Thalia and what happened with her stepmother.

Thank you, I'll be putting up chapter three very soon.


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Review #13, by TearsIMustConceal Six Years Earlier

4th January 2016:
Hi there! I'm here with your requested review, which is long over due so I apologise, the holidays have been hectic!

I really feel for Thalia here! She didn't deserve that at all! James became a right idiot when his friends arrived, which is so realistic but still horrible! No one should be humiliated like that! I really want to slap James and tell him to grow up! Silly boy!

I honestly didn't expect what happened next! I thought Thalia was being dramatic, a typical sixteen year old hormonal girl, like she described herself yet she really wasn't, was she? I was not counting on Romilda Vane being the step mother and the fact she is quite clearly certifiably crazy! Do we get to know why she's turned out like that? I know she briefly explained her actions to Thalia but there has to be more of a back story, surely? I can't wait to know if there is or not! I like a good old crazy character!

At first, I wasn't so sure at how crazy she was acting, whether is was plausible but on re-reading it, I actually love that she's pretty much psycho and what she does is drastic – it fits with the tone of the story and it's super interesting!

Your flow and characterisation were spot on! I love Rose when she's a little more like Ron and I think you have James and Fred down perfectly – I can easily imagine the banter and childish antics between them! And I love Thalia, she's realistic and I love her voice – it really fits well with the story!

I will definitely be keeping a look out for this story and can't wait to read the next chapter!

-Vicki

Author's Response: Thank you very much for your lovely review. I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and New Year!

I'm glad you like how I wrote Rose, it took me a while to find her. I also want to slap James, but it's safe to say he gets his punishment.

Yes Romilda does have a sad and cruel story that explains why she's the way she is and why she targets Thalia. You'll have to keep on reading to know what it is...

Well the next chapter is up now, so enjoy! And Thank you!


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Review #14, by Dirigible_Plums Six Years Earlier

28th December 2015:
Hey,

It's Plums here with your requested review. For some reason, I thought I'd already left it before I popped over to my thread and realised I hadn't. Sorry!

I feel so sorry for Thalia! I can't believe that James would treat her like that, going from seeming a "little flattered" to "howling with laughter" just because his friends came along. I know he's a seventeen year old lad, but that doesn't excuse his behaviour whatsoever. He was so rude from the very beginning and embarrassing her on purpose just to make himself feel better is so horrible.

But your summary makes me curious about how he'll become later on and what happens to him to make him change so much that he's forgotten who he is. I wonder how you're going to turn his character around.

Wow. I certainly didn't expect this chain of events when I first started reading the chapter. When Thalia said that James both broke her heart and saved her life, I thought she was exaggerating because, as she said, she was a sixteen year old, hormonal girl at the time. You completely took me by surprise when Romilda turned around and turned out to be, well, off her rocker.

Are you planning on exploring why she was like that? I know that she explains her motives in the chapter ("If I couldn’t have Harry, than you shall not have either of his sons."), but her actions seem so drastic for someone who has years to move on from her teenage crush. I guess what I mean to ask is whether there's a reason Romilda's so fixated on this and whether this will be explored in later chapters?

You seem to have spelling, grammar and all that pretty much down, but I did notice a couple of mistakes with dialogue tags. :) I'll give a few examples just in case you're interested and I'll add the corrections inside one of these [-] with a little explanation by the side in brackets.

- He looked up in surprise[.] ‘Thalia? What are you doing here? Need anything?’ (The word 'surprise' isn't a dialogue tag. It's not another word for 'said' so there should be a full stop.)

-'Sure[.]’ [H]e gave me a small fake smile. (Similarly, the sentence after his speech is an action so there should be a fullstop after his speech and a capital H.)

-'Thalia[.] Oh[,] Thalia! Wait up!’ [y]elled a cheerful voice that could only belong to Fred. (Here, the part that isn't speech is saying that Fred is yelling so the y is lowercase as it continues on the sentence.)

Your idea is an interesting premise, one that I find myself intrigued by. I'll be keeping an eye out for this to see how you take it :) Hope this helps!

Plums xo

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your wonderful review!

Yes, James was a bit of a mean idiot. I hope he didn't come across as too mean, he was just embarrassed, a bit surprised and very inconsiderate. More will be revealed throughout the story on why he acted that way and how he's changed because of Thalia leaving and just the trials of early adulthood.

Likewise, I do have a back story for Romilda and why she's like that which Thalia will explore through the story. So watch this space :).

Your corrections on the dialogue tags are very helpful, so thank you!

Have a very happy new year!


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Review #15, by The Basilisk Six Years Earlier

23rd December 2015:
Nom nom bigpotterfan, I’m a bigger fan of the Potters, in that I could eat them all up one by one, especially that one that thwarted me! Consider thisss my kindest form of revenge, mwhaha!

Oh breaking the fourth wall, are we, interesting interesting let’s see what happens to your Thelia , sister or cousin to Rolf/Luna’s kids? Stepfather hmm. also, does she love him, has she even talked to him?? Stupidity at sixteen indeed.

Guess Rose does not take after Hermione’s reverse for the rules and library given her screaming and all haha.

Ew, 4+ girls were mentioned so casually, why does ssshe like James….does Rose realize what she’s thrusting her mate upon?? A thorn!

Oh wow that took an extremely dark turn! I’m definitely curiousss to learn ore about Thelia’s home life, who exactly her parents are and what in the world her father was thinking when he married that lunatic. I don’t know if I quite buy what happened with Romilda btw. I need more background, more explanation, because this event comes so out of left field that it’s hard to fully buy into….maybe a mention of her crazy antics earlier in the chapter? Then at least we would have some preconceived notions of her true character/insanity.

Also ‘It was James’s reaction that made it possible to leave; he had given permission for me to go and move on.’ - what reaction if she was always asleep when he visited?

There wasss a lot of plot and action in this chapter and I’m interesting in ssseeing where you’re going with the plot! Your writing was fantastic, flawless from what I read.

Keep writing!
-The Basilisk

Author's Response: Thank you for the lovely review, it definitely made my day!

Yeah, I like making Rose a bit more like her father.

Thank you for mentioning Romilda's plausibility, I'm glad you did. She got a 'little' bitter as she got older. I'll maybe add a line, but you'll find out more about her as time pasts.

Maybe I confused you, but it was James's reaction to Thalia declaring her love, not anything in the hospital wing that made it ok to leave and obey Romilda.

Hope you have a wonderful Christmas/festive season.

Thank you!


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Review #16, by HP fan Six Years Earlier

22nd December 2015:
I enjoyed reading this new story. It's funny how you've written Romilda Vain, knowing she was the one who accidentally drugged Ron. I like how you wrote Thalia and I can see the 16 year old in her. Please write more soon.

Author's Response: Thank you very much, I'm glad you liked it!

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