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Reading Reviews for Sleeping Beauty
  
7 Reviews Found

Review #1, by EnigmaticEyes16 What has changed?

26th January 2016:
Hi! I really liked this chapter. I'm very curious as to what happened to Raine and what's wrong with her. And having been the Quidditch Queen, will she still be able to play Quidditch?

I'm also very curious to meet Astoria and I wonder who will be her next King now that Theodore's with Daphne. And where is Draco in this scene? I was surprised he was not there with Parkinson, Zabini, and Goyle.

This story has such a dark and interesting vibe, and I'm very curious about how the title will fit into the story and what's wrong with her. I can't wait til you post more to learn more about these characters and see what happens next.

Also, I can't believe she's a LeStrange. But which LeStrange is she the daughter of!? I'm so curious to know!

Great first chapter!

xxNix

Author's Response: Hello! :)

I'm really glad you liked it and you totally got the vibe I was going for! :D
It's set in Draco's last year which he technically wasn't there for so that is why he isn't here but he does appear in the next couple of chapters! :)
And she is Rabastan's daughter, so Bellatrix's neice, but she doesn't exactly see eye to eye with her family ;)

Thank you again!

Katie :)


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Review #2, by maraudergeek The Queen Returns

25th January 2016:
Hello :) I saw your post on the forums and decided to pop in and give your story a read!

I'm really enjoying this so far. I think it's interesting that this takes place while Harry's at Hogwarts, but it has nothing to do with him. Also, I like how you're using the characters to your advantage, especially having Astoria and a Lestrange :)

I do have some constructive criticism, simply to help your story flow a bit better.

How much can change in one year five months and eighteen days you ask?

I don't think this is completely necessary for the first sentence of this chapter. Simply because you already stated it in the first chapter, and it doesn't really add to the suspense or bring anything new for the reader. It's a bit distracting, and I think just starting with her worry for Astoria would be the best way to begin.

She sat with a seat to herself and her head rested on the cold glass of the train window, watching the countryside fly past her and her breaths that left a moment of mist on the glass.

Another thing I would consider is restructuring your sentences so they're more clear and concise. A lot of your sentences are great, but I just noticed a few, like the one above, that can get a bit confusing. For instance, here I would probably rewrite this sentence to say -
"Raine sat with a seat to herself, her head resting on the cold glass of the train window as she watched the countryside fly past her. As she exhaled, her breath reacted with the glass, causing a moment of mist that quickly dissipated."
Or something like that. By no means do you have to reword it that way, but I think restructuring would help it to flow better :)

Goyle with his animalistic demeanour that would make anyone feel physically uneasy, Blaise’s snide laughter and annoyingly nonchalant attitude, Pansy with her whine that could shatter glass from a mile away and her permanent facial expression of someone who had smelt a bad fart...

Love your descriptions of all the Slytherins here :) Especially the Pansy one! That's just too funny, and so true. Only thing here is I think you should take out the first "Theodore." in his description, just because I think it's repetitive without adding anything. Of course, repetition does work sometimes but in this particular case, it would read so much more nicer if it read: "...and then Theo. Theodore with his handsome features…"

It was easier said than done when you found someone who shared your attitude in so many things, someone who had spent so much time with you, someone who had looked past what everyone else had seen, someone who had actually cared for you and wanted to get to know you for who you were, someone else who you could share your resentful feelings towards your fathers together, some one who had been your first kiss and someone you thought was your first love.

I love the descriptions, but I think this sentence is a bit too long. All of the wonderful descriptions get lost in, "someone who" being repeated. It makes each one seem less important. I would say either just take some out, or break them up into different sentences and change the way you phrase it. I love the build up of the descriptions, so I'm kind of partial to rephrasing instead of taking them out :) Also, I noticed that you would say "you" as in general, but I think it's stronger if you keep it in the same tense. As below, I'll demonstrate what I mean.

Maybe have it read a bit more like: "It was easier said than done when Reina had found someone who shared her attitude in so many aspects of her life, someone who had spent so much time with her. He had looked past what everyone else had seen, past her walls, and proved he actually cared for her and wanted to get to know her for who she was. He was the only one that could empathize feeling resentment towards one's father. He had been her first kiss and she had thought he was her first love."

Hollow. There wasn’t the life and spirit she had remembered from when she had previously graced the room during the reign of Dumbledore...

I think it would be more effective here to start a new paragraph with this, versus having it all one. This repitition is definitely working!

‘Toria!’ Raine practically sung as she broke her calm demeanour and skipped forward, embracing her best friend in a tight hug. Once they had pulled apart...

Here I think we're missing Astoria's reaction to seeing her and realizing she's there. Perhaps a surprised gasp or something similar?

Hogwarts wasn’t a school anymore. It was a prison.

I loved this whole section :) Snape's speech, the descriptions of the Carrows, all of it. You have a way of drawing a picture with your words that's really inspiring, and I love the language that you use.

I also think the dialogue was really well done in the last section between Pansy and Raine. I don't know if it's just your preference, and feel free to ignore me here if it is, but dialogue is usually surrounded by " instead of just the one '. It just makes it easier to distinguish.

Overall, I really enjoyed this story and I look forward to reading future chapters :) I just noticed some typos, so I would recommend either reading through the chapter first before you send it in, or getting a beta. I know sometimes, no matter how many times I go over it, I always miss something!

Sorry if I seemed a bit mean, I just know that the reviews that pick my writing apart and tell me what I can improve always help me the most, so I hope this helped you! I truly did enjoy this :)

-Maraudergeek

Author's Response: Hello!

Wow, thank you so much for such a detailed review, that's really kind of you! I love getting reviews that really inform me and let me get to know the readers! :)
I'm really glad you enjoyed the story! I love focuses on the minor characters and trying to develop their stories as well :)
Thank you for the suggestions, I will have a check through!
Yeah the ' is just a preference, I'm not sure why, i've always written like that :')

It's not mean at all I really love constructive critisism, it help me a lot! :)

Thanks again,

Katie :)


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Review #3, by princesslily_36 What has changed?

11th November 2015:
Hello Katie!

Princesslily32 here for our review swap!

The first thing that I need to mention is the AMAZING job you have done on building the suspense. I was intrigued by the one year, five months eighteen days part which kept recurring, wondering what it's significance could be. In the middle where you had said 'right family name' followed by touch of French, I was wondering which family she would belong to. Although, I am a little confused as to which year she belongs to. I'm guessing that will be clearer later.

I loved your desctiptions in this story. It wasn't in your face descriptions, but flowed very smoothely and very telling. I especially loved your description of Hogwarts Express because I felt it reflected her emotions perfectly. My favorite line was 'And of course the students were, as ever, crowding, pushing, shoving and behaving more like animals, than the dignified creatures they should have been.'

The last part where you described the exchange between Nott and Raine, I felt like I was watching a sultry scene from a 70s movie. I'm saying it was so brilliantly written. 'His features were racked with guilt and his facade of the strong member of the Slytherin elite shattered so easily in her presence.' I felt described both theodore Nott as well as the effect that a Lestrange woman (girl?) has on him.

You have an Amazing way with words! I've got no CC here, I was so caught up with the story that I hardly noticed anything else.

Great job! Different is good and I'm curious about the fixation on the number of days since she was last at Hogwarts. I see that its a WIP and sincerely hope you continue it further! Do let me know when the next chapter is up!

Thank you so much for the swap!

Love
Ysh

Author's Response: Hey there!

Thank you so so much!
I'm really glad you like it and this is a little side project I have from my marauders stuff :)

Raine is the same year as Ginny and Luna!

Ahh I'm glad you liked that bit! I wanted to write her as have a hold over boys and so easily being able to make them crumble 'cause GIRL POWER WO!

I hope you keep reading! :D

Thank you again for your lovely review!

Katie :)


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Review #4, by marauderfan What has changed?

5th November 2015:
Hello! I'm here with your review :)

So your main area of concern was whether or not the story is interesting, and I definitely do! There's a lot of mystery built up about what exactly happened to Raine and why she was gone. It's also interesting how you highlighted 'a year, five months, and eighteen days' - I have a feeling Raine's fixation on this is important, but I'm not sure how yet ;)

The last lines where Raine's identity is revealed - it was simultaneously a surprise and also I felt like I should have seen it coming, as she speaks French and her obsession with status and popularity. I thought that was great because the clues were there and had been scattered through the chapter so if I were really looking for it, I could have figured it out! So... I'm assuming she's Rabastan's daughter? (i mean i guess she could be the child of Rodolphus and Bellatrix, but the idea of Bellatrix having children is just... terrifying haha) I'll have to wait to find out!

So yeah ,it's a really interesting start! The only thing I'd watch out for is grammar/spelling errors. They're all little mistakes, like this one: Her eye’s never left his -- (should be 'eyes') and easy to catch with a read through or with a beta, so maybe that'd be something to look into. Also, the paragraph that begins "Raine used to be popular" is kind of long, I would suggest splitting it in two or three paragraphs instead.

So yeah, I like what you've written so far! I think Raine has a lot of potential to be a really interesting character and I'm curious to find out more about her. Great work on this chapter! :)

Author's Response: Hey!

Thank you for the review and I'm so glag you found it interesting, I've been worried that people would be like 'wtf is going on here?!' :')
She is indeed Rabastan's daughter, you're right Bellatrix's offspring would be terrifying!

Thank you for the constructive stuff as well, I really appreciate you pointing it out! :)

Thank you again my lovely!

Katie :)


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Review #5, by Alarte Ascendare What has changed?

5th November 2015:
Hey Katie. I'm so sorry for the delay but I got caught up in so much drama.. real life, you know?

I was really curious to know who this girl is exactly and you did good job keeping up the suspense. It perfectly complimented the story. Job well done there!

To get to the mistakes, I actually found none. Your sentences were perfect and your grammar was impeccable. You do girl!

I specifically enjoyed the beginning and the end. Your start created such addiction to the story. He French was well placed too.

The last bit with the drama and how she responded? Lovely! It perfectly supported her character as a Lestrange well.

Lovely piece. I hope I get to read more of Yours.

Author's Response: Hey!

Thank you so much for such a lovely review! It means a lot to have such nice words about my writing! :)

Thanks again,

Katie :)


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Review #6, by Felpata Lupin What has changed?

4th November 2015:
Hi Katie!
Here I am with your review (and by the way, I love you too... :P)

So, this was an interesting opening. I'm really fascinating by Raine's character. She's certainly different. And which kind of accident brought her away from Hogwarts for all that time? I'm curious!!!

I knew she was a Lestrange, since you told us about her French origins. I must say that I don't like her gran too much... And who are her parents? Is she the daughter of Rodolphus and Bellatrix? The only idea of Bella being a mother is so creepy! Or is Rabastan her father? Well, I suppose we'll find out later on.

CC time. I know it's never funny, but it is for your benefit...
I noticed a few typos here and there. For example this line "almost as good almost as good c chaser". Just read through the chapter once more and I'm sure you'll fix them all! ;) Oh... And about French... I'm not exactly sure about some of your sentences... Not that I'm fluent in French, but I do know a tiny bit of it. I can try to help you with the translations, if you want. Just shoot me a PM! ;)

Aside from that, I really enjoyed the story so far! I love your characterization, the flow was good and yhe descriptions really well done! Plus, there is this halo of mistery that really makes the reader eager to find out what will happen! :D

A lovely work, darling! Keep it up! :)
Love, hugs and Remus appreciation!
Chiara

Author's Response: Hey Chiara!

Thanks for the review! :D I'm glad you like Raine, she's my little 'dark comedy' character that I'm working on :) She's also a bit of a badass if I do say so myself ;)

Ahh I'll only say about the accident that she was injured for a longer period of time than expected from doing something she loves ;) - that basically gives it away :')

Rabastan is her father :)

Ahh the help would be very useful with the french! Ngl I used google translate :')

I'm really glad you liked it! :D

Love hugs and Remus appreciation!
Katie :)


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Review #7, by bigblackdog What has changed?

1st November 2015:
hello there! i'm responding to your status update!

i really like the opening line of this story! it tells us so much about Raine in such a short space! we know she had to leave hogwarts for some reason, that she missed her friends and quidditch, and there's a real sense of desperation in the way she's kept track of exactly how many days she was gone.

the beginning sets up Raine's character as almost a little too perfect, but then i felt like that was balanced in the second half of the chapter where we get a sense that she gets angry, feels left out, and is maybe a little nervous about returning, even though outwardly she's so composed.

it was so satisfying when Theo goes out after her and then she curtly kicks him to the curb!

there are quite a few typos and i would suggest you break up that long descriptive paragraph a little bit. the first half of that paragraph is mostly about her friends, and the second half about her grades and quidditch, so i think there's a natural place to split it.

i'm curious about why Raine had to leave and what exactly her illness is, so i think you've set up your future chapters pretty well. you've also show that she isn't afraid to speak her mind (in that encounter with goyle), and that she's upset with her father, so i'm really curious about what Raine will do when the war breaks out.

overall, i think this chapter is a great set up for your story!


elise

Author's Response: Hey!

Thanks for taking the time to read and review this chapter, I really appreciate it! :)

Thanks for the CCs, I'll make sure to sort it out! :)

And I'm really glad that I've managed to pull you into my story ;) Yes her kicking theo to the curb was my favourite part, I wont lie! ;)

Thanks again!

Katie :)


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