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Reading Reviews for Mordaunt's Living Masks
  
6 Reviews Found

Review #1, by alicia and anne Chapter One

2nd December 2015:
Oooo I love that chapter image! So spooky!

Yet more beautiful descriptions to really set the mood and tone! You're utterly fabulous at this. I love how you've included what the Professors are up to, all the little tidbits that bring so much to the scene. :D I'm a little bit in love right now with your talents!

Oh no! I can't help but be worried about what's happening on the fifth floor and if the girl is going to be okay! I hope that McGonagall can get to her in time.

(I have to say that I am loving all of the devices on McGonagall's and Snapes walls so that they can hear any rule breakers :D That's pure genius!)

OH MY GOD! WHAT IS THAT MONSTER?! Ahhh! I need to know! This is so brilliant and so scary! That monster sounds like the thing out of nightmares and I really can't wait to read more! And what do you mean that's not the same one that McGonagall heard? Ah!! You are such a talented author, I am totally hooked right now!

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Review #2, by alicia and anne Prologue

2nd December 2015:
You have done an amazing job at creating the atmosphere for this story, it's such a brilliant beginning and I am so eager to keep reading and find out more.

Oh no! I hope that she can get away from that mob without getting hurt, although she is fake cursing them haha, those poor Muggles, at least she's paying the shop keeper for the goods that she's taking.

Curse those Muggles for making her feel unwanted even after she had helped them. Although I probably would have been scared as well if I were them.

This is a brilliant beginning and I can't wait to read more! :D

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Review #3, by adluvshp Chapter One

27th November 2015:
Hey! Here for our review swap (much, much delayed, I'm sorry) as well combining with the Hot Seat. I really wanted to review you more but I'm very tight on time these days =( But I promise I'll make it up to you with lots of nice reviews very soon!

So, this was a very, very intriguing second chapter. I loved it! Your descriptions are chilling, amazing, and paint great pictures in my mind. It's very easy to visualise the scenes. Your portrayal of the thoughts of Minerva and Snape are both perfect. It was great getting an insight into their minds, especially when it aligns so well with canon.

So, something is going on on the fifth floor, and then there's a terrible creature in the dungeons. Looks like Hogwarts has more than one horror loose in its bounds! It's all very thrilling and I'm kinda horrified and very very curious to know what's going to happen next, how Ester comes into all of this, and what role do Fred and George play.

Really great going. I can't wait to read more so do update soon! Loved it! 10/10

Cheers
Angie

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Review #4, by adluvshp Prologue

13th November 2015:
Hey Gee! Here for your requested review from the forums =)

Ooh okay, I absolutely loved this chapter. Your descriptions are amazing and it's a great opener to the story. The plot looks very intriguing and I can't wait to see what you have in store for the readers. The entire thing has a very spooky feel to it which fits the theme perfectly!

To answer your concerns, Esther does come across as a mean person, but not essentially vile. I can see her "good" side too, as well as the grey bits of her personality. To me, she came across as somebody just having some fun at the expense of the Muggles. But she knows where to draw the line. And at the same time, the idea of power seems to appeal to her, as she enjoyed knowing the Muggles feared her. Hers is a complex personality and she's a grey character, and I love that. So far, I am liking her and would love to see what role she plays in the story.

I expect the story to be quite spooky and interesting, judging by the prologue. I certainly hope that it is as intense as this chapter was. Your descriptions and imagery of course make it all the more engaging, and the narrative flows smoothly.

All in all, I really enjoyed reading this chapter! Please do re-request for the next, or I hope to be able to come back for more myself. I don't have any CC for you and all I'll say, in a nutshell, this was a perfect prologue! Great job!

Cheers,
Angie
(AditiDraco95)

Author's Response: Hi Angie, thank you so much for your feedback!
This chapter has been edited and edited (with help, hehe).

Man, I really needed a Slytherin's opinion on her - it's crucial the reader finds some aspect of her to like because deep down, she's not evil. It's her upbringing and the times she lives in. And the fact that she's a Slytherin, that plays an important part, haha :D
"some fun at the expense of the Muggles" exactly, she pranks. Like Peeves does. Or like twins do :p
I'm so happy you like Esther!! ♥

Yes, it's going to be spooky indeed! I'm looking forward to your feedback on the following chapter!
I'm always a bit worried about the descriptions, I try not to be too much of a Balzac but it's tough to stop describing stuff when I start, haha :D

Again, thank you so much!

*Gee


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Review #5, by Shadowkat Prologue

21st October 2015:
Here, a bit late, for our swap!

Honestly, you've intrigued me here. I think it's common knowledge by now that I love characters Ser in the Founder era. If not, it's true. And you say that the Twins are a part of this? I like the interaction, as it shows a bit about her character.

You said you'd like some CC right? Well, I did notice some things. Please don't panic if this is long, I tend to get into detail with things. I like my feedback to help as much as it can, so I try to help and give tips wherever I think they can assist. Just a heads up, I'm always kinda worried someone might see it the wrong way, and I want you to know your writing is good, it's just things that can be polished, and we all have those. XD

So first, the paragraph brakes were a little strange in some places, like they were separated before they should have been. It makes for an awkward flow, and some descriptions seem a bit much, less natural. I think a lot has to do with wording, and that might be because of the edits, sometimes I find myself accidentally mixing parts from numerous versions I didn't mean to, and it comes out strangely in places when that happens.

Here's some CC:

There's a bit of telling in places where you could just show. For example, when you tell us her condescending thoughts. It doesn't really add much, as you could show it just as well with her actions. Sneering, smiling at the Muggle's reaction, etc. You can add thoughts, just try not to tell us outright how beneath her they are.

Also, sometimes less is more. If a action can be told just as well with fewer words, then many times it's better if that's the route taken. Another good thing is make shorter sentences but with strong wording that doesn't require extra words to describe the action. For example:

"She ran quickly through the forest."

"She bolted through the forest."

The second one implies speed with one, much more powerful word while not changing the image you see when reading it. ly descriptors are okay occasionally, but try to eliminate them when you can use a better, less wordy choice. Just make sure it's not one you'd have to consult your dictionary to understand, as that's just as dangerous. You don't want it to sound artificial or forced either. Trust me, readers can tell.

Be sure every action counts. If something isn't needed, cut it out. An example is when a character looks in a mirror for no other reason than to describe themselves, when description can be done more gradually and natural without a jolting dumb of information.

Make it realistic. When Esther was walking, for example, she would have known the ground is damp, so getting dirty is something to expect. Would she have this reaction? Esther acts like she hadn't anticipated that, which is strange considering she seems fairly observant. Does this add anything?

Don't overdo, but don't underdo either. The art of description is delicate, and either could put off potential readers. Like above, they don't want to wade through unnecessary words, but they also need enough to understand what is happening and keep it from seeming bland. Consider it like seasoning.


Here's a example with a section that stood out.


Esther Mordaunt stops walking, her little turned up nose wrinkled in disgust as she sees the sullied hem of her robes. Mud. She lets out an angrily resigned sigh and resumes her walk.

With a pause Esther Mordaunt looks down, upturned nose wrinkling as she eyes the now sullied hem of her robes.

Letting out a sigh, she continues.

( Give the robes a description? Maybe describe it as a light color so it would stand out to her more? Just something simple. White, grey, a color. Also, Maybe place something else at the end here, like a thought about having to clean it, or that it was new?

With the second part, this version sounds more active and shows the same actions with less words. It packs a bigger punch and readers are less likely to skim. I'll be the first to admit I still struggle with this skill. Try when you can not to lead with she, he, they. Don't try to go out of your way and force it to be different every time, it just seems smoother and more active.

I hope my CC helped! This really was interesting, and I'd love to see where you're heading with this idea!

Author's Response: First off, I LOVE YOUR REVIEW! I love it so much, I just don't know how to answer it properly. It's just so lovely, I want to hold it and pet it and love it forever. ♥

I also love the Founders Era but I never got around actually writing about it so this is my first time and I admit I stayed pretty vague. Mostly because of all the editing this will go through or already is going through!

Panic at the lenght? Never! You took the time to share your thoughts about this with me, I value that far too much to fear it!
I took me a while to understand what you meant with the paragraphs but once I saw it, I couldn't forget about it. Thank you for pointing that out, it'll be fixed!
Also, I get what you mean with the writing coming out forced; that's pretty much what happened because I was so focused on the deadline and plot progression that I really just wrote down something like a draft and found myself okay with it, and that really isn't good for a story. And I must admit that I'm super lazy sometimes...

Gosh, skimming. Yes, I definitely know what you're talking about, it's very difficult for me and I really appreciate your feedback on that. Since I wrote it, I can't properly say if it's too much for the reader because I've read it so often during editing, I get sick of it after a while ^^'

The dirt thing. You are so right. Not only has she been walking for a short while, she also tends to walk often. Her surprise is out of place and a poorly edited bit (during the second personality try-out, I had written her as a Mudblood hater Pureblood Slytherin and the mud on her robes lead to a long thought about Muggles and Muggleborns) that I had quite overlooked.

Also, considering this is mostly about Esther, there really is no need to use her name so frequently, you're quite right!

Your CC was super helpful, I'm surprised you don't have a review thread in the Post Office, because I'd love to be able to request more from you! I feel like I got extremely lucky swapping with you!

Thank you, thank you so much for the wonderful review!


*Gee


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Review #6, by Gabriella Hunter Prologue

18th October 2015:
Hello!

This is Gabbie from the forums here with your review for our swap! I don't think we've spoken before so it's nice to meet you and stuffs. ;)

So this was interesting! I saw that this was for a challenge too so that's always great. And a Halloween challenge! Oooh! I am a horror movie junkie so this sort of stuff is right up my alley. I know that this is a prologue so I'm not supposed to know everything about your characters but I'm really curious about Esther. I wasn't sure what time period this was set in but I like that you've chosen to have this set very far back in the past. I've never done it because I'm scared of making too many mistakes but I like how confident and strong Esther is. That's unusual for a woman during this time (Not that it never happened but she's very open and forward) and she's got a lot of confidence.

I'm not sure what she's up to or what the plot will be but man, she's mean! I guess scaring Muggles is all fun and games but she has a certain disdain for them that really stood out. I'm wondering what's going to happen to them all and what she's going to do later. I suppose she didn't like being considered a liar either, from the way that vendor was going on about her products. On one hand, the petty side of me is like, "Yeah, scare that guy!" but the other part of me is all, "But morals and such." So I'm kind of iffy on that. Hahaha. I'm curious to find out more about her and her connection to Salazar too, so let me know when the first chapter is up!

Much love,

Gabbie

Author's Response: Hello Gabbie,

I really care for Halloween and am starting to get comfortable around horror movies and series.
Esther is more or less from the Founders' era, her time isn't entirely relevant to me just yet so I'm leaving the details fuzzy :p Also, she might be a woman but she's a Slytherin Pureblood witch getting an education at Hogwarts, she does not lack pride. Her interactions with Muggles are quite different than her official self. But more on that in later chapters ;)

Esther's not mean (at least I don't think she truly is). As mentioned in the second to last paragraph, the only reason the villagers know she's a witch is because she levitated a kid from the bottom of a well. To save him. I think that's pretty nice ^^
Also, I don't quite understand how it comes across that she was considered a liar? Esther's entire trip to the village is to restock. The only thing she gets called is "witch" and the shop-keep thinks her money is cursed because of that. Money she puts on his counter to pay for the items from his shop that she's taking. :)

In later chapters, Esther will mention that incident and explain why she said that. You'll see, your morals will be soothed ;)

Thank you so much for the swap, you've pointed out very helpful aspects I'll look over while editing!

*Gee


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