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Reading Reviews for Who Stares Where
  
10 Reviews Found

Review #1, by WittyRaven She Said It Would be Harmless

25th January 2016:
Very well written first chapter!
Your characteristics of the Professor are well written and leaves the reader with questions to answer as they read on.
I like how you differentiate between first names and surnames. I tells quite a bit about the characters

Author's Response: Thank you! Names are some of my favorite aspects of writing; they can carry so much. I'm glad you enjoyed it! :)


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Review #2, by SophieWinter The Good Ship Hog's Head

10th December 2015:
Scorpius is definitely brilliant :D. Thanks for the wonderful chapter.

Author's Response: Brilliant indeed. Thanks for reviewing! :)

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Review #3, by The Basilisk She Said It Would be Harmless

9th November 2015:
Greetingsss,

Thisss is what I believe to be a great first chapter to a novel. So much myssstery and sssuspense. I firstly thought he was sneaking out to visit a girl, but things took a bit of a darker and creepier twist.

I, being a simple snake, am not quite sssure what is going on in this plot. Who are these people? A professor, a merchant, a death eater, what are they all doing teaming up for some scheme? And what do they want with Ssscorpius and the invisibility cloak? Something dark seems to be brewing and Scorpius is about to get in over his head I imagine. I absolutely want to find out exactly what is going on/what will happen.

I think your writing is really wonderful and easy to read. I found no misstakes what-so-ever to comment on.
You've done a great job with thisss first chapter, it's a great set up for the rest of your story.

I look forward to reading more of you work.


Hiss Hiss,

The Basilisk

Author's Response: Why hello my friend! :) You are actually the second person (reader? sentient being?) to think that Scorpius was trying to meet a girl. Well, romance is not quite my thing...or if it is, I wreck it, sad to say. I'm so glad you enjoyed my writing! Things are getting increasingly twisted as I write on and I may have to shed some skin and do a rewrite (see that? see what I did there? ah yes, that was dumb). But this is what the season of Nano is for!
Hope to see you slithering around soon! :)

~Songs


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Review #4, by Gabriella Hunter Witch Weasley

2nd November 2015:
Hello!

This is Gabbie from the forums here with your review and I'm so sorry that I'm just now getting to it. I had some real life issues going on but here I am! :D

Ah, this was an intense chapter. I think that Scorpius really needs to reign in his temper before it gets him beaten up a lot worse than what happened in his chapter. It does make me curious though, what Dubbs has to do with the entire thing because he doesn't necessarily seem like the sort to be in a secret society but then again, that may be the reason he's the perfect person for it. I have a feeling that there are more than a few mysteries hanging around and I want to shake Scorpius for getting involved with these people.

I'm not proud of him for Petrifying that girl either but I think that Scorpius has a kind of entitled arrogance about him that can get him into a lot of trouble. What I like about his character though is the fact that you're not making him out to be this wrongly hated boy. There are aspects to his character that aren't pleasant and I honestly like that he seems real, like someone I would know. I think that writing characters like this is so much fun and I really love how complicated his relationship with everyone is. Is no one his friend? It seems so but Faye stepped in to save him, which caused quite a few people to see that their relationship isn't really normal. She's a cheeky teacher too and I wonder what she'll say to him at the next meeting or if he'll do something to get himself kicked out. Hm...

Now, on to this second half! Man, what an awful little git his cousin is! Why are they so determined to bully him? Scorpius isn't the most charming fellow but Litton and his gang seem to have it out for him and how would they think that he would ask Rose to this Christmas dance? I am really curious about their relationship and if they have any romantic history but from the way Scorpius was acting, I don't think he wants to acknowledge it.

Nice little cameo from Albus there at the end, I hope we see more of him. On the other hand, I do hope that Grimm prophecy doesn't come true.you've got me really anxious for the next chapter so hopefully we'll see each other soon!

Much love,

Gabbie

Author's Response:
Hey Gabbie!

Sorry to hear about your life issues :( But I'm glad to see you again. :)

Yes, Scorp certainly has arrogance issues...hopefully I can delve into those more if he lets me (sometimes the words my fingers type are not the words my head originally wanted on the page...I can only blame Scorpius, scowling on his little throne in my brain.) When I started planning this story I wanted Scorp to be bullied because the plot kind of depends on it, but since I figured most of the students wouldn't have a personal war-grudge against him, his personality had to be somewhat ugly...plus it's just more fun to write that way. :)

Linton is...Linton is...yeah. He's a jerk. I wish you could see my faceclaim, though; he's really cute. (Wanna know why Linton has a female following? There you go.) :)

The next chapter is up and running, so I hope you get a chance to take a look at it! Let's swap again soon. :)

~Songs


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Review #5, by TreacleTart She Said It Would be Harmless

1st November 2015:
Hello there!

I'm here for our review swap! I was really interested in checking this story because I've only ever read your more humorous pieces. It was nice to see you trying your hand at something a bit different.

I thought this first chapter did a good job of introducing your primary characters as well as setting up the direction the plot will go in. I really liked the creepy atmosphere as Scorpius crept through the school and eventually met with his Professor. From the jump, I knew that something was a bit off kilter. You did a good job of making that clear.

I also enjoyed the way you characterized Scorpius. He seems a little unsure of himself, but determined to learn about his future. In comparison to everyone else in the room he almost comes across a little bit childish.

This quest that the professor mentions is really intriguing. I can't imagine where this is going exactly, but I definitely want to find out.

I did notice one small typo.
Slow, Borgin admits, lowing himself - lowering himself

All in all, you're off to a great start.

~Kaitlin

Author's Response: Hey Kaitlin :)
This certainly has been a lot different from my other pieces...it's been quite a different journey writing it. I'm glad you want to find out more! :)
Why, that was not a typo...Borgin literally got into his chair by mooing like a cow. Moo. MOOO.
Will fix.
Thanks for the review! :)
~Songs


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Review #6, by Alarte Ascendare She Said It Would be Harmless

29th October 2015:
Oh wow... This is an amazing beginning to an amazing story. I LOVE the suspicion. You've left a lot of that here, which is amazing for the first chapter.

I didn't see any of this coming. I seriously thought he was going to meet some girl when he sneaked out. But this? NEVER! I love how you've written every single feeling of his. The fear of getting caught, trepidation and the reluctance are all very well done.

There were absolutely no mistakes. Your sentences are very advanced. No grammatical errors. No typos or omissions.

I love how you've written the others as well. You give nothing in trying to explain the scenarios and you reveal everything perfectly at the right moment. I'm guessing here like insane!

but first of all, why is he so interested about the dance? Why does he fear his father so much? WHY was he asked to bring the cloak? WHY ARE THE DEATH EATERS THERE?

This Faye is very suspicious, I tell you. I don't like her one bit *hmph*

I'm so sorry this review took some time. I kept getting interrupted at work today. I'm so glad you brought this story to my attention. I'll be reading it again, but please do let me know when chapters are up, as I tend to forget :D


Amazing work love :hug:

Author's Response: Hey there! :)
I'm glad you liked it and were surprised about the outcome of his midnight escapade. :) I'm sure there's still room for improvement somewhere in there... :) Guessing is always good! The more questions you have at this point, the better! (Now to go about answering them...gulp.) :-o :) I'll definitely be posting a status on the forums for each chapter (shameless self promotion, 3, 2, 1, hey!), so stay tuned...although November may be a bit bleak as I'm doing an OF NaNoWriMo project. :-o What, am I crazy???

Yep.

Thanks for the hug -- I needed it! :')

~Songs


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Review #7, by Gabriella Hunter Bicolored Eyes

21st October 2015:
Hello!

This is Gabbie from the forums and I'm here for our swap! I'm sorry that this is so late, I kind of got sick and passed out. Hahaha. I'm better now though!

Thank you for the lovely review you gave for "Grey", it was lovely. I hope the angst hasn't upset you too much! And speaking of, Scorpius's school life is everything that I feared. I thought that he was very anti-social in the last chapter and now I see that it's true! But I personally feel pretty bad for him, it seems like everything is stacked against him whether he likes it or not.

Triton seems like a bully too and I don't know why I expected someone to defend Scorpius but I was upset when he was left alone to suffer. I think the years of being ostracized like this has created a lot of anger in him and I'm not really sure what's going to happen with that. Now, I don't approve of bullies but I think Scorpius took his prank a little too far with the scorpions but at the same time I think that the anger in him was building up to this point. I sense a lot of hatred in him for Gryffindor, for people who aren't him and a life thta he wants. I think you've made him so wonderfully complex, he feels like a real boy and I don't think you've exaggerated the pain he's going through.

I get the feeling though that his relationship with his parents is really complicated. I'm curious to learn more about them and I'm interested in knowing if Draco will make an appearance somewhere down the line. Rose came across very sharp with him and I wonder hat kind of history they have together, she seems to hate him quite a bit. I wonder what happened? The surprise here is that Scorpius went out of his way to be nasty towards her but he loves at the same time. I can't help but wonder if they had dated in the past or if someone made him think that she wouldn't accept him? Hm.

I was pretty upset with him when he hexed that girl though, that was pretty low! I think that he's going to end up lashing out and causing himself or someone else harm. But of course, he gets a surprise from our weirdly calm guy from the previous chapter and I'm really curious about what's going to happen! Let me know when you want to swap again!

Much love,

Gabbie :D

Author's Response: Hey Gabbie! Thanks for this nice long review! :) Oh my gosh, I hope you're feeling better!!! :-o

How could angst upset me? Look at what I'm writing! ;) Yeah, Scorp isn't in the best spot ever. I'm so glad you think he's realistic! Sometimes I wonder if he's overly emotional or too sensitive, so it's good to hear that you think he's like a real boy. Of course, that comes with problems as well...like the hexing of the little girl. I've gotten comments before about my Scorpius being cold-hearted and cruel and I'm just like "Well...that's Scorpius."

Rose and Scorpius's history is yet to be seen. :) The weirdly calm guy will make another appearance soon. Perhaps he won't be as calm...no spoilers, though! :D

Thanks again for the review. I hope you get well soon!

~Songs


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Review #8, by Gabriella Hunter She Said It Would be Harmless

16th October 2015:
Hello!

This is Gabbie here for our swap and I zoomed over here right away. I don't think we've met before so it's a pleasure to meet you and all that junk. I'm always lurking around the forums so don't ever feel weird about saying hello!

I have to say that I had no idea what was going on and that is pretty darn good writing. I know a few people might be put off from not being able to pick up what's going on in your story, particularly the first chapter but I think this works out great. I had this underlying fear that something was going to go wrong and to be honest, I wasn't sure what genre this was either. I went from angst, romance to illicit teacher/student relations in about five seconds before tossing them all to the winds. I think that you have a pretty dark story in the making though, I really love the creepy factor here and I enjoyed being introduced to Scorpius in such a non-cliche way. He's so awkward and insecure here, which is a nice change from him being super cocky and entitled and it works so well. I can actually see him as a real boy and I wondered what kind of trap he had gotten himself mixed in. Faye sounds like a cunning little charmer, I have to say. I love people like that and while I'm not sure if she's a villain or not, I like how calm and composed she is. What kind of scheme is she hatching? Scorpius seems really entranced by her and it makes me wonder why they're so close, or close enough to do this. I have a feeling that Faye has been luring him for quite some time, it's clear that he doesn't have friends or much of a social standing. Hm. Very clever of her. I am horrified by the introduction of Borgin and Carrow though. And that creepy eyed bloke. I'm going to pay careful attention to him, I think he might turn out to be pretty sinister. Anyway, I have a thousand questions and I think this is wonderfully written, the pace is great and your characters are already so complex. Really looking forward to reading more, we should swap again for sure!

Much love,

Gabbie

Author's Response: Hi Gabbie! Pleasure to meet you too. :)

Honestly, I've been toying with this story for so long (about a year, actually) that I forget that what is "yeah, duh" to me is actually just my headcanon, and that others will be duly confused. :) The goal of this chapter was to confuse, though, so I'm glad it accomplished that. Faye and Scorp do have an interesting relationship...not TOO interesting, obviously (ToS complaint, remember), but she knows her way around, let's just say that. :)

Genre ... what's genre? Lol...seriously, though, it took me a few months to figure out the meaning of that word. I'll probably stick to Dark and/or Adventure, but we'll see.

I'm so glad this has captured your interest! We'll definitely have to swap again. :)

~Songs


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Review #9, by daliha She Said It Would be Harmless

16th October 2015:
Hey, I'm here with your swap! :) On to your review!

At first I was a bit confused with who the narrator was, but I'm that was intended to keep him a mystery. You managed to introduce the plot early on, Kudos for that, and it kept me interested as to what kind of mission were they talking about, I'll put this on my reading list, when the next chapter is up let me know. :) It was great swapping with you.

Author's Response: Hi daliha! Thanks for the review! :)

It's always difficult for me to introduce my MC when I'm writing in first person. When my English teacher reviewed an OF of mine, he got through the entire first chapter thinking that my male MC was a girl... :-/ Oh well. Practice makes perfect, I guess.

Great swapping with you, too! We should do it again sometime. :)

~Songs


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Review #10, by Penelope Inkwell She Said It Would be Harmless

12th October 2015:
Hey Songs!

Behold! My elephantine herd! My many fine pachyderms come in delightful shades of violet, lavender, and aubergine, and in various states of rage: vexation, indignation, and UTTER FURY.

They're yours now, since you asked for them. Good luck. Do with them what you will. Oh, and here's a review, too. ;)


Anyway, while you're contemplating elephant accommodations, I'm so glad I finally made it over here. It took a few days, I know, but I'm here at long last.

I think you've done a really good job with this first chapter. It's very intriguing and has a nice "doom is nigh upon us" shadow hanging over it. I particularly liked the "Tonight", "not tonight" refrain at the beginning. It adds to the sense of mystery, the urgency, & that feeling of being on edge. And then the chapter just continues to grow steadily more mystifying, & I keep wanting to find out WHAT is going on. Why would this professor request his presence, but refuse to keep him out of trouble? But the great thing is, that's still...kind of par for the course. It gets us curious, but there's no telling right away that this is necessarily a bad thing, because professors at Hogwarts are occasionally weird like that. And then there's the whole prediction of doom, which was wonderfully vague and Trelawney-esque, while still carrying much more of a sensation of actual doom. Then we see who exactly is coming to this party, & when she said the name Carrow, that's when I was just like, "Oh. Oh no. No good will come of this." And then that creepy bit about them needing the Cloak? And Scorpius? Oh bad. Bad bad bad bad bad.

I can't decide if I think that he was really sensible in getting the heck out of dodge ASAP, or if he should have stuck around and tried to at least figure out what they want. But I'm leaning towards sensible. Oh, Scorpius, just steer clear of them from now on. Maybe tell a trusted professor? No, of course that's not going to work, but still I can wish, can't I?


CC: So, as a rule, I always try to give a bit of CC. Of course it's totally up to you whether you want to take it or leave it--my opinions are just that: opinions. But here they are anyway. Do with them what you will, as well.

Holding my breath, I inch my hands under the bed, grasp a heavy wooden trunk, and move it to the left. Crunch. I freeze, and Albus Potter groans and mumbles in his sleep. Three seconds later, Im running as quietly as I can down the stairs and through the common room, invisible under a large, silvery cloak.
--we see him move the trunk, but we don't actually see him open it, which, for a moment, confused me. I was wondering what the purpose of moving the trunk had been, and had paused to re-read and consider before I got to the bit about the cloak. So it might be good to see him open it. Also, I enjoyed the onomatopoeia, but I did wonder...what crunched? I could see a trunk making a sort of squeaking or scraping sound against the floor, or maybe crunching a magazine or a chocolate frog box stuffed under the bed. Opening it might produce a 'creak'. But I couldn't quite see where a crunching sound fit in.

I love the "Tonight" refrain! However, I do think it would read a bit smoother if you deleted the third "Tonight". Right now there are 4, but three is the magic number for a refrain, and in all the rest of them, the placement of "Tonight" kind of makes sense. "Tonight I lay awake", "trying to decide whether or not to get up Tonight", "I'm not going for extra help, or even detention Tonight." All those fit together in a way that the 3rd Tonight doesn't quite seem to match.

I tell fortunes, not give advice.
--The first and second part of these sentences don't exactly match. It generally goes, "I do _; not _." Or "I'm a _, not a _." "I tell _, not give _," seem like two halves of different versions of these statements; they don't seem to go together. One suggestion might be, "I'm a fortune teller, not a therapist."

And that's all I've got in the way of CC. It's all quite nitpicky, but I saw no grammar mistakes or more serious issues, so the nitty gritty details were what was left to me :)


As for other things I really enjoyed, the ticking clock was a great addition. It felt realistic--just the kind of thing you'd forget that could end up being your demise. I also liked how he was so panicked his magic broke the clock, instead. It was just a very small moment that was a little bit humorous among all the gloom and doom, and it showed early on that Scorpius is a bit of a hapless character, which the rest of the chapter seems to back up.

Aww, and I loved--LOVED--how, when he can ask one thing about his future, he asks about the *school dance*! I love that you had a male character doing that, because it's the kind of thing I can see Lavender or Parvati asking Trelawney about and being mocked for, but really boys worry about all that, just like girls. It rang very true for me, and was another small, funny moment that I enjoyed.

Oh, and I really liked how you had that comment early on about Scorpius' sort of silly fear of getting a Grim in his teacup every time he reads the leaves, and then it ends with him getting a Grim! That was great! And supposedly he's good at that sort of thing, so...dun dun DUN!

You've done a really nice job with this chapter. It's got a good hook. It keeps you questioning throughout the whole thing, which will help to draw people into this story. And it's just quite well written. It's not just the lack of grammatical mistakes. You paint pictures, and the chapter has a nice flow. It makes me want to keep reading it. You've done a lovely job! I'm really glad I stopped by!

--Penny

Author's Response: Oh Penny,

Thanks so much for the great review! It's so LONG! Omigosh I'm so happy right now. Oh and thanks for the elephants by the way...I'm building a nice shed for them right outside the Forbidden Forest. It's large and cozy and complete with an elephant-sized swimming pool. Very twenty-first century.

I recently read a book which started its first chapter onamonapietically, and I really liked the effect, which gave rise to the repeated "Tonight." I didn't even notice how some of the "Tonights" fit together with the surrounding text. :-o (Twilight Zone-crazy stunned silence.) My subconscious does wonderful things when I'm not paying attention to it...(it does annoying things too. But I won't get into that). I'll definitely look into your 3rd Tonight suggestion. Magic numbers are always appreciated!

The fortunes part was meant to be a sort of dig at once-fortune-now-therapeutic cookies. I keep getting them at lunch and getting mad at their little "study hard and you will succeed" and "an apple a day keeps the doctor away." THOSE ARE NOT FORTUNES PEOPLE. But I'll look into the sentence structure. :)

Why Penny, the CRUNCH was the sound of the elephant sneaking past behind him. ...Actually, your suggestion is a really good one. What did go crunch? Cockroach maybe? (Don't worry, it's okay. Cockroaches don't die.) I'll give that one some thought.

I'm so glad you liked Scorpius's character! Hopefully I'll have more well-flowing chapters to follow, if darn school stops getting in the way. Who knew you couldn't procrastinate indefinitely? (I say with two essays looming in my face.)

Thanks again for the awesome review! I love you!

~Songs


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