Reading Reviews for Hiraeth
3 Reviews Found

Review #1, by moonbaby11 Hiraeth

17th October 2015:
Hello! I'm here with your requested review.

This is a wonderfully dark and emotional piece! I've never read much about Sirius' relationship with James after the latter's death so I think you have an original and wonderful idea here! Your prose is very interesting and you've strung together some really powerful sentences here.

That being said, I did find this one-shot a little confusing. I think you have a great idea and some great lines, but I don't know if it's been executed as well as it possibly could be. For starters, the difference between Sirius and James' dialogue was rather confusing to me. I think you might want to go through and add quotation marks, or perhaps use italics to show which one of them is talking and where. I think the 'you may ask' and 'I may reply' parts would really benefit if you used quotation marks for clarity!

I found the beginning a little confusing as well, and I must admit that I reread about half of the story just to make sure that I truly understood what was going on. On the second read through it was a lot easier to understand and much more powerful, so you may want to look into how you can make it understandable from the get go? I hope that makes sense. There were also a couple, minor errors of missing commas, but you should be able to spot those if you just read this over!

All in all, I think you have a great idea here. With some fine tuning, I think this one-shot could really be something amazing. You have a lot of potential here and you really do have a lot of skills when it comes to prose. I hope this review was helpful and I wish you good luck with your writing! :)

Author's Response: I actually did struggle a lot with trying to make this comprehensive. I edited this a couple of times, but I think it still needs more tuning, like you've said.

I did make the conversations italic. It was only validated last night, so you'd have missed that. I'm hoping that it would be clearer now. I'll get a couple more reviews to see if this version is better and if not, I'll get this beta'd. I think I'm going to need one anyway.

I do have a problem with emotional pieces. My thoughts seem to just flow, and I have a pretty weird mind, so it's not decipherable by others.

Thank you so much for pointing that out though. It was one of my main concerns with regards to this piece and you've helped me a lot!

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing :hug:

 Report Review

Review #2, by ritaskeeter2265 Hiraeth

13th October 2015:
I like the last paragraph. In truth, this was a bit confusing. But I like the overall concept of it. Edit a bit maybe?

Author's Response: I edited it a bit more. I hope it's better now. But as I've said in other review responses, I'll get this beta'd if this confusion stays on.

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing :D

 Report Review

Review #3, by Reader Hiraeth

13th October 2015:
you've missed some prefixes and conjunctives here and there. Could happen I guess, when You're writing. This story is dark though. It's darker than the words in it.

I like it :D

Fix the errors though. You say it's for a challenge and you don't want something small holding you back on that.

Make the James parts italicized. That'll make this better.

Nice, though :)

Author's Response: I edited this but I'm going to have to get this beta'd by another person. I'm so glad you liked how dark it is. My stories tend to get a bit dark and more towards the confusing side. I like to let the reader decipher, but I can see that it's not a good idea.

Thank you so much for the review :)

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login