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Reading Reviews for floo
  
4 Reviews Found

Review #1, by adluvshp 100

18th May 2016:
Hey there =) I'm here on MuggleMaybe's recommendation to shower you with a little review fairy sparkle.

Wow. This one-shot was phenomenal. I won't lie, it took me a moment to grasp it as the format was *slightly* confusing but then as I got into the rhythm, I realised how the words connected each little 'micro-fiction'. It was a brilliant and unique idea to weave in other people's lives as Lily travelled through the floo along with her own thoughts/memories regarding her and Siobhan's relationship.

Your descriptions were absolutely beautiful and I loved the little glimpses we got of the multitude of households she saw into. The memories of her relationship were also nicely done - it showed the transition from their love and fun to her moving away. The ending was sad - Siobhan moved on and didn't wait for Lily - and the way it ended with her saying goodbye first was impactful.

All in all, this was a very interesting read and I loved it! Great job! This story is definitely underrated and deserves more recognition!

Love
Angie
(Lost Muse on the forums)

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for this surprise-review. I just assumed that this story would be burried in the depth of HPFF forever :D

I'm really happy that you liked the idea of the story. I know that it asks a lot of the readers, and initially I was so uncertain about it that I considered not putting it up at all. I'm still far from happy with it, but I simply don't have the time to edit it, plus I'm not sure in what way I would change it (apart from some more obvious stylistic blunders): On one hand, I liked the idea, on the other hand it's not so practical. :/

It means a lot to me that you think my descriptions were beautiful. I liked some of them a lot, too, but I'm always very uncertain when it comes to writing in English.

Thanks for taking the time&reading this!
Shinicha


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Review #2, by Ugly Christmas Sweater 100

6th December 2015:
The format of this one-shot is so unique. There are no similar stories in the 'Other Similar Stories' section, so this is quite the accomplishment. The way Lily's story and the glimpses of random people's lives mingle is fascinating to read.
I like your depiction of the Floo network. It reminds me of early phones when you could listen in on your neighbors. Was that your inspiration for this fic?
I initially read it as the italicized words being their own story, and reading 'Stop Christmas time...' was a bit concerning, but then I read on and realized 'Oh, the words only connect the microfics."
Happy Holidays, and good luck with the Microfiction Challenge!

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing this story. Haha, I didn't realize that there even is a "other similar stories" section, it's good to know!

Your thought on the phones is funny; I see that it is kind of similar now that you mention it. (However it wasn't what inspired me - at my childhood home we also didn't have two phones in our flat where you could listen in) I had this thought of Flooing, combined with the fact that even looking at a scene for only a few second can deliver a lot unsaid messages and associations. Also, memories of events are often really short and a curious combination of distant sensual impressions that are kinda hard to convey in words - and even harder to convey in few words. But I wanted to try to combine these ideas anyway. The result is - confusing, I admit it!

Ahh, yes I though that maybe it could happen that someone might want to read the in-between-words in conjunction - and initially I also wanted it to work that way! However it would have added too many limiations (already there was the 100 word limit and the connecting word) for expressing what I wanted. I'm sorry to have confused you!

Thank you for the lovely review,
Shini


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Review #3, by MuggleMaybe 100

5th December 2015:
Hello! I'm here to review your entry for the Microfiction Challenge. :)

The structure and concept you used here are super cool and interesting. I love the shared words between each section! And the use of the floo network is really brilliant as well, those little flashes of other lives mixed in with Lily's memories. I loved it!

On the other hand, I think it's a tricky approach, because there isn't much at stake during the scenes she sees through fireplaces, so it's a little harder to get buy in during those parts. Nevertheless, the little scenes you wrote were interesting and beautifully written. Your language is really lovely without being overdone. I loved this sentence: "She lets sand trickle through her fingers, reminiscent of an hourglass, not that she needs one."

This is a well written and incredibly unique piece. Thank you very much for entering!

xoxo Renee

Author's Response: Hi!
I'm so sorry that I put off answering to this review for so long. Also, I'm really thankful for inspiring me to write this story.
As it happens, I planned to restructure it a lot and turn it into a story only about Lily's relationship. I didn't really want to, but I see that it is very confusing and not easily understood without explanation. However, I also felt sorry to let the small pieces in between go; expecially the part of the girl in the painting that you mention I really liked.
So because of this internal struggle and my time suddenly disappearing with the beginning of the semester, I ... let it be the way it is ...

I'm really glad that you think my language is not overdone as I don't have so much "feeling" for English and its subtleties as I'd like to!

Again, thank you for creating the challenge, and thank you for reviewing!

Shini


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Review #4, by Dojh167 100

17th September 2015:
Hello!

I'll admit, I scanned this story a bit on my phone when I was first saw it, because I was excited to see how the sections connected. I thought it was really very clever how you linked the last and first word of each section. I must admit that I also read your authors' note because I cannot be trusted.

I have to admit, if I hadn't read that note, I'm not sure I would have understood that the words between sections were being herd through the floo network.

One major reason for this is that each section is seamlessly flows into the next. If these were random overheard words, it doesn't make sense that they would so perfectly fit within Lily's stream of thought. Also, I would imagine that in reality these words would come much closer together, probably not leaving Lily as much time to get so engrossed in the memory of each scene.

That being said, the action of the first and last sections was perfectly clear. I think that the metaphor of Floo travel still works for the mental experience of what's going on in Lil's head, it just doesn't read as literally as you were going for.

When I read your "vice versa" note at the end again, I couldn't help but question that logic, in that the scenes that did not seem to connect directly to Lily and Siobhan's past seemed out of place and made the story a bit more confusing and disjointed. Though that may have been part of what you were going for?

I think that a lot of your sentences seem to wind on in convoluted ways (not quite as run ons, but they certainly have a wordiness that decreases readability). You obviously have a great love of words and real potential for capturing poignant emotion with them, but sometimes less is more. I would recommend that when you request reviews or beta readers that you specifically ask them to look at your sentence structure.

Love this line: My mind starts spinning before my body does."

This sentence seems to wind indefinitely (yup, those are the words I'm going with) "A wrinkled hand cautiously approaches an equally wrinkled one, which is attached to an arm resting comfortably in its designated place: an arm rest"

By saying "at another wrinkled face" in the next sentence, it makes it sound like there are 3 people here who are defined by their wrinklyness

I also love the line " I have prepared the word, I have whispered it to myself a million times"

I wasn't expecting that ending! The last line seems odd to me. Is she speaking to Lily? That's so amazingly cold!

Kudos for trying your hand at such a unique story!

Sam.

Author's Response: Hi! First of all THANK you so!! much for taking the time to review this and thank you also for your honesty.

It seems that my insecurities were well founded and I'll think about what I'll do with the story and whether to keep it.

Convulated and overly long sentences, as you said, are really a problem for me. It's SUCH a thing in German and I never quite manage to turn it off when writing in English. I will go over everything again and force some punctuation marks on myself :p

I TRIED to describe things the way they feel but it horrifies me that it might end up sounding really pretentious and as if I'm trying too hard. The long parts are usually the ones that come most naturally though haha :(

As to the story itself: It kinda started with the flooing idea, but I already had this relationship in my mind for a long time (ah, all those unwritten stories :p ) Despite what the author's note said, I didn't mean it to be QUITE as literal, so I might correct that statement.

Or should I be more direct when explaining in the first paragraph?
Or should I give up on the idea alltogether because it doesn't really work?

The story runs both ways: i tried to explicitly mention the fire(place) in the 'in between' stories ( I just realised that I should add it in the story if the painting..)
Though the glimpses into other chimneys are reportedly very short, flashes of memory can be too (I once tried to keep track of how many memories go through me in 1 minute, it was impossible @.@). BUT I think I didn't manage to stick to the staccato-rhythm of memories when writing them which makes them seem more long-winded as they are, maybe?


As to the ending: yup she's pretty harsh to Lily :p It's just her way of coping with feeling betrayed and left behind...

Again thanks for taking the time and writing this. Maybe, if you're alrught with it, I might pm you to ask your opinion on a few questions that arised with your review...? No pressure!!

Shinicha



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