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Reading Reviews for Cho
  
2 Reviews Found

Review #1, by The Ghost Of His Last Laugh Returning

10th October 2015:
Hello! Thanks for your entry in the First Day of Term Challenge. I’m so sorry for the delay in your review and the results; life has been getting the best of me. But, here it is!

I loved your choice in overall story, it being Cho’s first day after Cedric died. I thought it was the most effective one you could have chosen and am glad to see you did so.

To begin, I really liked how you began the story by setting the scene. I love that technique and you really pulled it off. In fact, it’s probably my favorite way for a story to start! Your use of flashback was effective. It is very realistic that seeing the poster would remind Cho of Cedric. I thought that anecdote was cute, as well. It wasn’t a huge moment or anything in terms of their relationship but was very effective in showing their relationship and how they were together.

The piece has a few stray mechanical errors throughout. While I’m not going to comb through every single one, here are some I saw that repeated throughout: “defiantly” instead of “definitely”, run-ons, and choppy transitions between flashback/current time.

Specifically, the transition “some time later” for when Cho sees the tree had an opportunity to have a scene that really impacted the story. For instance, I imagine her coming across the tree with Marietta after they exited the carriages and her being a little caught off guard by the gesture. A scene like that doesn’t really need the blunt transition such as “some time later”.

Finally, I thought the last paragraph was incredibly poignant. I especially liked the line “Grief isn't supposed to be neat my dear. It's messy and painful and it can swallow you whole if you let it.” The whole paragraph could’ve used some breaks to make it easier to read, but other than that it was pretty close to perfect.

Thank you again for you entry, and good job! The results should be up soon. I’m trying my hardest to get them finished.

Cheers,
Joanie

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Review #2, by ScorpiusRose17 Returning

23rd September 2015:
Hi!!

I saw on the Forums that you had posted something new, so I thought I would stop by and give it a read and a review! :)

I don't normally read a lot of stories about Cho unless she pops up as a minor character, so this was quite a nice change to see her front and center!

This was heartbreaking. I felt so bad for her because I don't think I have ever stopped to really think about how Cedric's death would have affected her. It had to be excruciating to be young and exploring what young love is especially when it is your first real relationship to have that taken away so easily in one night for such a meaningless way... yikes!

I thought you did a spectacular job of conveying the emotions that she felt when Cedric was alive and after he passed away. The characterization of Cho is well done as is Cedric's. I also really liked the way that you portrayed Professor Sprout. She never gets the spotlight either very much, but I had no problem seeing her respond this way or comfort Cho in the way she does. She has some fire to her too.

I did have a laugh out loud moment when Cho's thought she could hear her mother swoon... Even mom's are fan girls! Hahahahaha :)

Your description is wonderful by the way! I loved how you described subtle moments between the two of them.

Some constructive criticism would be this:
*Please note that these are only suggestions of things that I noticed while reading.

~She forced herself to moved forwards heading towards Platform 9 ¾.

* I think you may have meant for this to be move not moved.

~She saw Marietta pushing her way through a group of boisterous seven years throwing a Quaffle to each other.

*This is just missing the th after seven... seventh.

~“Come on lets get your things on the train! It's almost eleven!”

**This is where I felt a bit confused since it jumps from one moment to the next so quickly. I had to reread it because I couldn't figure out why Professor Sprout would be at the train station. I get it now, but it is a bit of an awkward transition here.


~Professor Sprout had planted a tree in the Hufflepuff courtyard, a stone placed at its base with a picture of Cedric and the words ‘In memory of Cedric Diggory. Hogwarts champion.” The two first years were standing by the tree, both of them looking down at the stone to read it. She paused behind them, waiting for them to move on.


~“Come on up you get.”

*This was a bit confusing. I think if you were to add the word now, it would help take some of the confusion out of the sentence. Example: Come on now, up you get.

~People her age went suppose to deal with pain like this,

*With this sentence it was a couple of things here that I think you could change for better flow. The word went and suppose... Example: People her age weren't supposed to deal with pain like this...

These are all just super minor things that I noticed while reading and don't take away from the great story you provided. These are just suggestions on what you could do or change in order to polish this up. It is totally up to you! :)

Keep up the great work!! I look forward to reading more of your writing!

-Jenn

Author's Response: Thanks for your lovely review.

I had to cringe at the stuffed you picked up on, such rookie mistakes lol. I shall correct it all as soon as I get access to my laptop. I did upload this story using my IPad and it got quite frustrating trying to get the layout correct.

I'm so glad you enjoyed it though. I was worried it was a but to much and that I wasn't conveying the emotions correctly.

Thanks once again and I promise to fix my errors ASAP.

Stacey Marie


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