Reading Reviews for The Pawn in the Game.
12 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Pheonix Potioneer Returning to School.

16th December 2017:
I agree with Albus that Ginny shouldn't really be comparing James to Albus when they get into arguments. I think it just makes it worse.

Oh goodness, I wonder what James stole from his dad's room. Nothing good. Maybe it was the Marauder's Map? I don't remember whether James has obtained the map yet or not in this series.

I don't blame Lily for not wanting to sit with Albus. The train ride to school is when a lot of new friendships are formed, and I'm sure Lily wouldn't want to feel left out of that because she sat with her brother. Albus's worry is sweet though.

I was right! James stole the Marauder's Map! Ha!

Albus getting so worried over Lily is sweet, but honestly Albus, she's eleven. She can handle herself. Lily is a big girl now.

Lily's in Gryfiindor! I was half-hoping she'd join Albus in Ravenclaw.

That's so sad that Molly was upset over being in Hufflepuff. I kind of wish I could comfort her. I'm sure she'll adjust soon enough, but still...

Albus cares so much. It's adorable.

Great chapter, as usual! I know you haven't updated in a pretty long time, but I totally understand seeming how I've done the same thing myself. I've been in your position.

Author's Response: Yup, comparing kids is never a good idea.

And you were absolutely right about the Marauder's Map. It's going to play quite a part in this story if it ever gets completed.

My characters are really not cooperating in this story. If they start, I'll carry on.

Thanks so much for the review. I always love to hear your views.

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Review #2, by Pheonix Potioneer At the Warlock's Court Hotel.

16th December 2017:
Throwing a PARTY for good O.W.L. results? That sounds a bit like Percy to be honest, but is also way overboard. Even when I would get straight A's at school I would tell my parents and nobody else. I was always a bit embarrassed. Even just a "congrats" would embarrass me, so if I was thrown a party... I don't know what I would do, but I certainly wouldn't be happy.

Aw, that's sad that Lily's getting so mad at her mom. I don't really like to see her angry.

Lucy is a little embarrassed. I would be too, if I were her. I feel a bit bad for her.

Dominique might get to play for the Arrows! Yay!

I love George's line of, "Sorry we're late, I just couldn't stand the thought of listening to Percy pontificate for any longer than necessary." George Weasley for the win. I glad that he tried to make everyone else who didn't get great grades not feel as bad.

Honestly, I am kind of getting sick of Ginny's snide comments in public about James. Like the "hear that James" when Bill mentions that everyone should do their best. I'm not saying that James's attitude is justified, I'm just saying that Ginny is probably making it worse. I wish Ginny would look closer into why her son is misbehaving because then she might understand his behavior.

Author's Response: Yeah, Percy probably is going overboard (hardly be Percy if he didn't). I got a CD and obviously cards when I got my Junior Cert. results and we got the day off school. It's sort of a tradition (if that is quite the right word) for kids to go out drinking the night of their Junior Cert. results actually, although obviously they are underage, being mostly 15 or maybe 16.

But yeah, Percy is making an unnecessary deal out of it and embarrassing Lucy.

Lily's anger is going to be a feature of this story (if I can ever get my characters to cooperate so I can complete it). There's a bit of a story going on there.

And yup, George isn't going to miss a chance to get in a dig at Percy.

Yes, James seems to have kind of gotten the role of the "difficult kid" in the family and I agree, that's not going to improve things. It's only going to encourage him to continue playing that role.

Thanks again for the reviews.

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Review #3, by Pheonix Potioneer School Supplies.

16th December 2017:
Hey! So even though you wrote this chapter forever ago, and I could have sworn I read it (even though it's been forever so I sort of forgot what happened) I realized that I've never left a review on anything but Chapter One. So... here is a very belated review!

I was really glad that Albus asked what an exercise book was because I didn't know what it was either. And I'm a muggle. I realized that it was probably something you guys have across the pond, and sure enough, when I googled it I found out that what you guys call an exercise book is called a composition notebook in the U.S. I'm also not used to seeing a pencil eraser called a "rubber".

I can't wait to see what Albus thinks when he starts using a pencil. I've always wondered why wizards don't use pencils, because they are a lot easier than quills.

Aw, that's so sad that Lily doesn't want to wait for her dad to get her wand from Diagon Alley. In my headcanon a wizard getting their first wand is sort of like witnessing a baby's first words or a baby's first steps. It's not something that you want to miss.

Honestly, I kind of agree with James when he got annoyed with Ginny for saying, "We're hoping his results are a bit better than this year". Like, that's not something you want your mother to mention in public with you right there.

Willow and unicorn hair. That sounds like the perfect wand for Lily.

Huh, you guys call ballpoint pens "biro" across the pond? I actually had to google it to find out what a biro was. Always nice to learn something new!

Overall, nice learning about Diagon Alley. I really can't wait to see what you do in muggle studies classes.

Author's Response: Thank you so so much for the review. Great to see you posting again too. I've read back over the previous chapters of Albus Potter and the Chosen Four too to recap on anything I'd forgotten.

Actually, we call "excercise books" copies or copybooks in Ireland, but I know they don't use that in England. I think I might have had to check with an English friend that "exercise book" was still the term as a lot of the English books I've read are quite old.

We do use the terms "biro" and "rubber" though. Another one I argued (jokingly) with an English friend about was "parer". I actually don't know WHAT ye call them in America, but in England, they apparently call them "sharpeners". The things you use to make your pencil point sharp again when it breaks or becomes blunt.

And yeah, I would imagine a parent would like to see their child get his or her first wand. I LOVE your headcanon about it.

Thanks again for the review.

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Review #4, by HarryGinnyLove88 Returning to School.

2nd September 2017:
Hope you will finish the story one day :)

Author's Response: Thank you. I would like to but it's just not working for me. I might try working on it when I've some free time. Thanks again.

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Review #5, by Ignis the Imp Summer Days.

25th February 2016:
Hello, there!
The summary below the banner was so impressive, so I stopped by. I was curious when I read that Lily grew increasingly distant. I wondered why.

The beginning was interesting with the Muggle world that we know very well, and I noticed that this story was written for 12+ readers, I was amazed by your sincerity as an author.

I chuckled at the next words, "It was just a pity you couldn't play Quidditch on it."

And it's a great idea that you put the criticism against the war in their conversation.

And I laughed again at the dialogue, "The sun is shining outside, you know. You should go out and have a kickabout or something." I totally agree with Derek's fahter's opinion. I really enjoyed your comparison between Quidditch and cricket.

And the theory about weapons of the Muggle world and the wizards is very interesting, too. I wish we could disarm all weapons in the world.

The episode that Hermione was working on the new werewolf emplyment legislation is also a good idea!

I was completely attracted to all Next Generation characters you created! Each character talked lively from the start.

Ignis the Imp

Author's Response: Thank you so so much for your review. Sorry about the delay in replying. Last few weeks have been crazy busy, but in a good way.

This is the third story in a series so while the first chapter here is pretty ordinary, there is stuff going on in the background. Nothing to compare with what happened in Harry's era, but political debate and opposition to Hermione's reforms.

Not sure WHAT possessed me to include cricket here when I know absolutely nothing about the game. Well, a(n online) friend of mine is English and into cricket, so that was a lot of the reason.

Totally agree with you about disarming all weapons. There is a bit of wariness in Ireland at that moment, as we are about to commemorate the centenary of the 1916 Rising and there is a fear dissident Republicans might launch some kind of attack or something. Police leave has been cancelled and stuff.

Glad you liked the story and thank you so, so much for all your lovely comments.

Happy St. Patrick's day.

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Review #6, by Leonore Returning to School.

25th October 2015:
DELAY? Do you know the meaning of the word 'delay'? :P

Yeah I think my alcohol tolerence is gone. Forming complete sentences is harder than it should be on just one glass of wine... here goes anyway.

Poor James. Teasing comes naturally to him and he only means things as a joke and yet Lily just gets worked up.

"...or that he'd have made the friends he did in Ravenclaw." is a bit shaky meaning-wise.

Oooh. Tut tut, James... my first instinct is "Marauder's Map", by the way, though that would perhaps be a little unoriginal for you. Depends how you'd then use it anyway, of course.

Aw, poor Al, worrying for no real reason. *relates* Of course worrying doesn't necessarily help (I still managed to leave all my scarves at home this term because I was sure they were in the bag with my hats but they weren't, but anyway), and he needs to remember he can get them to post him stuff if necessary!

*laughs at James and the strippers* Aw, little James, pretending to be all grown up!

Yep, something odd with Lily - she's in a hurry to go, and then won't sit with them.

IT IS THE MAP! I guessed it. Knew I was right to bother mentioning it. :D

*huggles Molly* Poor kid. She knows what Percy's like. *pokes him* Hopefully this'll push him into reassessing priorities as he has to find different things to brag about with regards to her!

Well I don't know what you were worried about with that chapter!

~ Leo xx

Author's Response: Yeah, the second version worked out a whole lot better. If you'd seen the original... This is pretty much a complete rewrite.

And yeah, I know a month isn't SUPER-long. I have another story that got left so long I sort of forgot where I was going and abandoned it, but there's a difference between a delay because you've been busy or you've been working on something else and taking a month while you are TECHNICALLY working on it all the time - *writes 300 words* *takes a three day break*

I'll see if I can fiddle around with that sentence some more.

And yeah, the Marauder's Map probably IS a little unoriginal, but I needed him to have it - like I said, Chekov's guns - so it really had to be referenced in this chapter.

Albus worries a LOT, poor kid and he REALLY overdoes it in this chapter. *huggles him* Of COURSE Harry and Ginny would send on anything he forgot, but he still works himself up.

As for Lily and I said, a few more Chekov's guns.

Thank you so much for the review.

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Review #7, by Pheonix Potioneer Summer Days.

21st September 2015:
Derek isn't allowed to play violent video games? Sad. My brother has been playing them since like, the dawn of time. Violent video games seem pretty normal to me, but I suppose to someone like Albus it would be horrifying...

Cricket! The game almost no American has ever played. For some reason my middle school gym teacher taught us that game... and I haven't played it since. I've never even seen a single match. I hear it is pretty popular elsewhere in the world though.

Rugby is another one I've never played or watched. That's basically like American football, right, except with a different ball? I think? I know almost nothing about it.

So what film did they watch that Derek couldn't believe Albus had never seen? I'm curious.

NO! Albus tuned out of the conversation about the comparison of muggle and wizard law enforcement! That sounded so interesting! The limits of POV...

Hermione has a good point about the whole blood prejudice issue in Ireland being completely ignored, like it doesn't exist. That happens a lot with problems people don't want to address- especially discrimination.

LIly is starting this year! I wonder what house you'll put her in. Good chapter- can't wait to get back to Hogwarts!

And poor Hugo. :(

Author's Response: Well, he isn't allowed play R-rated, glorifying crime and graphic torture typed games. There's a wide range of "violent" when it comes to video games and while some of them are pretty much cartoon violence, others are really disturbing and promote some really harmful viewpoints.

Not many Irish people have played cricket either, though apparently our team does pretty well. No idea how, as it's not taught in schools or anything. I would imagine the team are mostly Anglo-Irish. I got myself into a bit of a quandary actually, because all I know about cricket is that you hit a ball with a bat.

Rugby has become pretty popular here in the last 10 or 15 years. Before that, it was pretty much a South Dublin and Limerick thing. South Dublin because it's sort of a private school thing and as for why Limerick, I have no idea. It's just always been popular there for some reason.

I had a bit of a debate with myself as to what attitudes should be like in Ireland, since the Irish Ministry will appear later in the series. I didn't want to make it more liberal than the British one, because it annoys me when writers bring in OCs from their own countries and have them so shocked because there's no prejudice in their countries. I wouldn't mind if their countries had DIFFERENT issues, but when they've none, it doesn't seem realistic. But if it were more prejudiced, it should have come up with Seamus and stuff. And what's the point of bringing in another country if issues are exactly the same? Then I thought, "well, why can't they do what Ireland ALWAYS does and just completely ignore the issue?"

And I'm getting a bit of fun out of parodying Irish attitudes.

And as for Lily's house, well, that should come up in chapter 4 or 5.

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Review #8, by Gabriella Hunter Summer Days.

14th September 2015:

This is Gabbie from the forums here with your review and it's great reading your work again. I am so sorry for the long wait, I have been busy with rel life stuff and I haven't had much time lately.

I am really curious about this story, I feel like this is a part of another series that you have already created? I may need to check that out first, I'm not sure if I ever left a review for it or not because this feels so familiar and some of the events I recognized. Hm.

Anyway, Albus! I really like how different people make him out to be. Your version of him seems like he's just an ordinary kid, trying to understand himself and the way the world works for Muggles and wizards alike. I really like the innocence that you've given him, the scenes with him nd Derek were very well written because they weren't loaded down with heavy exposition. I could get the sense that they were good friends and that there was some good history between them.

now, I have a feeling that I am going to hop on over to your other story at some point because I seriously think all this talk about werewolves (Awesome, awesome, awesome) comes from an experience that Albus already dealt with. I'm curious to know what all of that means and what Rose had to do with it! I did like all the realistic discussions that you included here too about Harry and Hermione's different jobs in the Ministry. I think a lot of people skimp over the details of what they do exactly but I like that you showed that it was a business like any other and that progress would be slow. The details that you added there really helped me to understand this world that you had created. :D

James is a horrible little thing, teasing Lily the way he does. Hahahha. I'm sure that after everything that he's gone through, Albus may not find it all that amusing but I'm curious to know what happens once Lily starts Hogwarts, this chapter ended on a light note but I can't help but think something bad is on the horizon.

Thanks for the read!

Much love,


Author's Response: Thanks so much for this great review.

Yeah, this is year there of my next gen. series, after The Writing on the Wall and The Rise of the A.W.L. I think you read some of The Writing on the Wall, which is probably why some stuff seems familiar.

And yes, werewolves and Hermione's (and Teddy's) attempts to increase rights for them play a large part in The Rise of the A.W.L., which is by far my favourite of the series so far.

I love the different ways people portray the next gen. kids too. We have some hints about some of them - James seems a little thoughtless and a bit of a joker and if you take J.K. Rowling's comment about him possibly stealing the Marauder's Map, then like the type who doesn't always follow the rules and Albus seems to take his brother's teasing a little too seriously and to feel kind of nervous about trying to live up to his brother and parents and Rose seems to be smart like her mum. But that still leaves plenty of room for interpretation. Albus's anxieties could grow into ambition, as he tries to prove himself, he could be like Ron or he could be a sensitive, quiet kid who takes things a bit too seriously, which is kind of how I've developed him.

And of course, when it comes to characters like Fred and Roxanne, we know virtually nothing at all. We don't even know if they were BORN yet when Albus started Hogwarts.

And yes, I will say you are right that Lily starting Hogwarts is going to lead to some problems.

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Review #9, by Leonore At the Warlock's Court Hotel.

9th September 2015:
Aw, bet poor Lucy is feeling embarrassed by all the fuss! Even if she enjoys it, she'll have to put up with being paraded.

And Lily is being a bit of a brat. She has some temper! James could really do with shutting up at this point... but then he wouldn't be James. Sweet Al, trying to go and sort it out. And yes, Rose is not really the best example in this kind of situation...

"But had he really the right to do that when she'd specifically told him not to?" wants a question mark.

"How on earth were you supposed to know when people meant what they said and when they said one thing but really wanted you to do something different?" SO TRUE.

"flashing earringS" (I doubt she goes around with only one... and if she did it'd need an "a"!)

YES, quite divisive, Percy's fussing over Lucy! Someone should point that out to him. Though maybe he'd say something about it depending what the child's aims were in life or something - actually, what WOULD he say to that?

Question mark, again - "Mum, have you heard how her trial with the Arrows went?"

POOR Lucy! Poor, poor kid. Expectations like that... "It was more of a relief than anything" - yes, that she didn't have to deal with her father grilling her on why she didn't get an O in something. Though it means she'll have to face that later - not being the best; at some point she'll find something she can't do. I feel sorry for her.

Urgh, Percy nicking the credit. I suppose he'd respond to the "isn't it divisive?" with "the others didn't get 10 Os".

And his response to Louis' results... *prods him hard* Good on Louis for standing up to him. And Ginny is so sensible and grown up.

*stabs Percy with a pen*


And he's doing so nicely. *cheers for him*

Good chapter, and I think we're getting closer to action now! I'm trying to figure out what house Lily will be in and I still don't know. And I'd say I hope Molly is Hufflepuff or Slytherin to challenge Percy to think about things a bit more (I bet he'd be scornful of anyone else's kids ending up there), but I'm not sure if I'd wish the stress of his opinions on them. Anyway, expecting to find out soon!

Author's Response: Fixed the typos. Thanks for pointing them out.

Lily IS being a bit of a brat, but remember, she is pretty anxious at that moment and under a bit of pressure. After all, her dad is the Boy Who Lived, a national hero, started illegal defence groups at school and made the Quidditch team in 1st year, her mum is a reporter and played professional Quidditch, BOTH her brothers play Quidditch for their houses and Albus gets pretty good grades as well and James is the sort of person everybody's at least heard of. And now one of her cousins has received straight Os in her O.W.L.s. It's kind of a lot to live up to.

In some ways, it might even be WORSE for her than Albus, because like if she doesn't make the Quidditch team, she'll be the ONLY one in her family who didn't.

Al worries a lot and he really wants to help people but doesn't always know how, unlike Rose who always THINKS she knows how, even when she doesn't.

Yeah, Lucy is under a LOT of pressure. I've hinted at that a few times and I've had a few EVIL thoughts for her 7th year. Not sure whether I'll use them or not, but...

Hmm, *grins at your thoughts about the sortings* You MIGHT find out in the next chapter. Both girls' houses will actually play a part in their future stories, I think. It may not seem immediately apparent (or may), but where they are sorted will DEFINITELY have an effect on them.

Love hearing where people expect my characters to end up.

Thanks for the review.

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Review #10, by Leonore School Supplies.

24th August 2015:

James? Prefect? Don't think that's VERY likely... :P

Poor Al. Being in this family takes some self control.

Oooh sounds like muggle studies will be interesting...

And Lily's cute. Innocently cute. But I won't get attached. I've already told you I refuse to get attached to her or anyone else except Lydia.

Well done Lily! Teach him to talk properly! *approves*

Poor James. Mother critisising his grades in front of him. He claims not to care but it's still not too nice, trying to shame him like that.

And anyone who didn't know Albus would be disgusted by that "Herbology is really interesting," comment. If you DO know him, you know he actually means it and isn't just sucking up.

Oooh, I have a bad feeling about Lily carrying her own wand. It's just like her to ask, but I've still got a bad feeling about it! *eyes you suspiciously*

Lily's self-absorbtion is starting to get irritating.

Aw, poor Hugo. I forgot he has to wait an extra year!

I'm slightly surprised at them having to go into muggle London to get the stuff - rather than Flourish and Blotts getting it in especially, or Hogwarts providing. Maybe not many students do muggle studies, but what about those with no muggle connections? And I'd expect the Ministry to have something to say about the risk to the Statute!

The 25p on the end surprises me - they have 2 of each item, right? Though I guess stuff like biros and pencils you'd tend to get in packets with several, which they could share. And from the list at the top of the page, I'd say they're pretty lucky to get it for 6.25! Haven't added it all up yet, but that stuff can be pretty overpriced here. And a surprising lack of 99p's on the end.

Nice chapter, with some intriguing stuff!

~Leo xx

Author's Response: OK, admittedly I just pulled the price of the items out of nowhere, but Harry'd only be paying for Albus's items, so there wouldn't be two of everything. Admittedly, THAT wouldn't make much sense.

The Muggle London part was probably a bit of an indulgence on my part. It was just more interesting to write that than to write a typical Diagon Alley chapter.

And I'm glad it at least took a while for Lily to get irritating. In the first version, she was irritating right from the start and I was ready to have her abducted or hexed into non-existence or something, 'cause she was annoying me.

I thought she'd annoy you when she started being dismissive about Hugo. *grins*

James does get rather stereotyped as the troublesome kid, doesn't he? Which probably only encourages him to play up to it.

Thank you so much for the review. *grins*

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Review #11, by May Summer Days.

6th August 2015:
Looking forward to the next chapter

Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Hope you enjoy the rest of the story.

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Review #12, by Leonore Summer Days.

6th August 2015:
Yay, Pawn in the Game! Very, very intrigued by the summary. And now, one jerky, bitty, sleep-deprived-Leo review coming up... it's reading time!

*huggles Albus* He's so sweet and innocent. They both are, actually - Derek surprisingly so, when he starts about the shooting games. Like "oh it's terrible and I'd NEVER want to play that!" He's... what, 13? And he calmly mentions he's not allowed to play stuff, neither of them feeling at all that maybe they've grown out of such restriction and it's unreasonable (as many rather younger kids feel). It's slipping from sweet and innocent into sickeningly good.

But I love Albus' doubt about the nature of the internet and how real the games actually are.

*cheers for cricket* Valuable life skills there. No kid should grow up without knowing at least the basics! (Knowing the names of all the fielding positions and the key players of the England squad and your local county team... not compulsory, only encouraged. :P Understanding the importance of the Ashes IS important.)

Yay for Callaghan! He's always awesome. And it's good that the legislation is going well and protecting people like Lydia. Especially Lydia.

James is mean, teasing Lily, but then isn't scaring younger siblings before they start a great tradition? Albus and Rose verge on boringly goody-goody sometimes. Especially considering their age. They feel younger than they are. Oh, and Albus says he hasn't had a detention but didn't he get one in 1st year? I seem to remember him freaking out about it...

Love all the various conversations, but the links between them do jolt rather and voices are kind of stilted and not really realistic speech. I know it's a tricky bitty chapter, before anything really starts - yeah, it just doesn't really come together. Maybe it need either more complete and longer scenes (padding isn't always bad) or cutting down the scene-setting and heading almost immediately into the action.

Looking forward to seeing where it goes, anyway, especially once all the awkward intro-y stuff is done!

~ Leo xx

Author's Response: Yeah, getting the various scenes together was just annoying. I will have another go through it, but I think I might move on a bit first. Sometimes once you've written a little more, you can see what can be changed.

There are a couple of things I need here, like the reference to the Irish Ministry, for future stuff, so I can't really just cut it.

As regards the whole "games about massacring people are dreadful," I've come across kids a good few years older than Albus and the gang that think like that. I think it's partly a personality thing. This whole "everybody suddenly becomes a rebel at 13/14" thing irritates me because in real life people don't usually change personality like that. I mean, yeah, people do start to question things more as they grow up and yes, a lot of teens do get rebellious in their early/mid-teens but I know people who would probably still be horrified by stuff like that as adults and I know people who'd have been rolling their eyes at the restrictions at 8. Not that I'd consider not allowing 13 year olds to play games marketed as 18+ and including really offensive and violent stuff to be particularly restrictive anyway.

While it was a very different era, my friends and I were about a year and a half older than them when we were freaking each other out with "imagine if you found out your parents weren't married when you were born!"

The 1st year detention never actually went ahead, so he never actually HAD a detention. That was when Lydia did her bizarre "giving detentions for no reason and then cancelling them" thing.

Thanks for the review. And especially thanks for the honesty, though I know I can trust you on that one. I think once it comes to the next chapter, things will come together a bit more. I'm not really sure how to tie this chapter together, because it's just jumping too much from one thing to another. I have one idea, but whether it would work or not...

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