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Reading Reviews for Underage Champions
  
2 Reviews Found

Review #1, by TreacleTart Finding Out

23rd August 2015:
Hello Again,

I figured I might as well go ahead and see what happened in this chapter since I read the last one too.

Well, this is quite the turn of events. Instead of Harry's name being called from the Goblet of fire, Fred's name gets called. I must admit that I'm quite curious why. Is the Goblet not working correctly? Did it's age sensor malfunction? Or is there something more insidious going on?

I thought Dallas' reaction was a touch over dramatic. I can definitely understand why she feels upset. She thinks that Fred either lied to her about putting his name in the Goblet or just didn't tell her when she's supposed to be his best friend.

I really enjoy her platonic relationship with George. Far too often, when people write the twins, they write them as the same person. It's nice to see that your main character can tell them apart and has romantic feelings for one twin, but not the other.

Now onto the concrit...

The second to last paragraph in this chapter came across as very repetitive to me. Pretty much all of the information that you've included in it was already written in your first chapter, so it makes that whole paragraph unnecessary.

Also, I found it really odd that Dallas felt the need to explain her friendship with George. I don't know if this is intentional or not, but her insistence that they were strictly friends actually made me feel like there was probably something going on between them. I guess normally people don't give a friend a hug and then turn around and explain the relationship.

I would also once again encourage you to work on showing, not telling. Description and dialogue really help the reader see clearly what you are talking about.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh because it certainly isn't meant to be. I think you've got a good idea for a story here and I'm excited to see what you do with it. Good luck and happy writing!

~Kaitlin

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to respond, I've been busy with new found college life! I really appreciate your criticism. I have taken it into account, and am adjusting some aspects of the first two chapters, and will continue to take your advice into consideration as I continue to write. Please keep checking in for the updates to the first two chapters as well as more to come!

Thanks so much!
-Dallas


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Review #2, by TreacleTart A Little Background First

23rd August 2015:
Hi there!

I was scrolling through the recently posted stories looking for something to read and I noticed that this had no reviews on it yet, so I thought I'd drop in and leave you a few lines.

First of all, congratulations on your first fanfic and for being brave enough to post it. It can always be a bit nerve-wracking in the beginning.

Now onto your story. This chapter was a nice little prologue and did exactly what a prologue should do. It sort of set up expectations for what is to come in future chapters. We've been introduced to the main character and we know a bit about her relationships with the other characters.

The style of this chapter is easy enough to follow. It reads clearly and is a pretty continuous monologue. I definitely felt like Dallas was sitting across from me actually telling the story, so that's good.

At first I did find myself curious as to why you created this OC Dallas instead of using Lee Jordan since he was the twins best friend in cannon, but then I realized at the end it was because she's female. I guess that wasn't initially clear to me because the name Dallas is so gender neutral.

Now, I always try to leave at least a small amount of constructive criticism in my reviews and you also say in your summary that you welcome that, so here goes.

While I do enjoy a monologue, I think that as you progress, you may want to consider adding in a bit of dialogue and perhaps focusing a bit more on showing, not telling. What I mean by that is using description to paint a picture instead of directly telling the reader something. I find that the description really helps to bring the reader into the experience instead of just reading it. (I hope that all makes sense)

Also, this has less to do with writing and more to do with how you've tagged this story, but you have this story tagged as a one-shot. A one-shot means that the story is only going to be one chapter. Since it sounds like this is going to be a longer story, you may want to change it from the one-shot label to a short story, novella, or novel depending on how many chapters it is. The reason for doing this is because if someone is searching novels, your story won't show up since it's listed as a one-shot. (To fix this, just go into manage my stories, click edit story and then you will see the options for how to label your story length)

Otherwise, I think you have a very solid start here. I'm curious to see what sort of mischief Dallas gets up to with the twins being gone.

Good job!

~Kaitlin

Author's Response: I've taken both of your reviews into consideration and I've made some adjustments to the first 2 chapters, as well as added a 3rd, I believe all the changes are awaiting validation, so keep checking back!

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