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Reading Reviews for The Pub
  
14 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Penelope Inkwell Fall

17th August 2015:
Her heart was pounding against her chest cavity, almost as if it knew something was wrong and was trying to escape.
--I really like that image!

“Ugh. This is getting ridiculous,” she muttered as she moved to clean up the mess.
--No, Hannah! This is not ridiculous! This is terrifying! Get out!!!

the giant walk-in refrigerator.
--Don't do it, Hannah! Don't go in! This has horror movie written all over it! Have you never seen a horror movie before?

Oh my gosh! You probably haven't!

Witches and wizards are at such a disadvantage. They may have never seen a horror movie! Because that's a Muggle thing. How do they know not to go into the walk-in refrigerator, or not to take a shower, or not to split up when they sense creepiness?! They don't! They don't know!!!

Ugh! What horrible ways to die. It is not a good fate, being owner of The Three Broomsticks.

I KNEW IT! I knew Jenna was in on it. She was too nice. And there was no way she just didn't hear Hannah, for hours.

Veeerrry creepy ending. I approve.

I also wish it wasn't nearly bedtime.

Ugh.

Thanks, Kaitlin :P

If I dream about walk-in refrigerators tonight, it will be all your fault and my father will hear about this!

Well, okay, he probably won't. But you will, missy!

Good job!

CC:

I had one question, plot-wise: what happened to Hannah's wand? I'm assuming that she didn't have it, since if she had, she ought to have been able to get out. But it might be good if you specifically mention that she's lacking it.

In second’s Hannah realized that no one was present
--"second's" = "seconds"

“That is very odd. Do you have any idea why? Was it just because you were alone at night?” Jenna asked with concern plastered across her face.
--For some reason, I think this might sound better if you got rid of the "with" and made it "Jenna asked, concern plastered across her face." Once again, that's just a personal preference flow-type thing. It's fine as is.

when the overwhelming feeling to get out returned
--"feeling" doesn't seem quite right here. Maybe "the overwhelming need to get out"? Or "desire"? Or "the overwhelming feeling that she had to get out"?


This was supah creepy! I have been successfully made to shudder. It was a really nice piece. That part at the beginning--the way you described the light coming from under the door and Hannah doing her paperwork--it just set the mood so well. Very horror story! Nice work!

--Penny

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Review #2, by Penelope Inkwell Stumble

17th August 2015:
Hey Kaitlin! Here for our swap!

And I'm lucky review #15--the official cut off. The banner on this one caught my eye a while ago, so I wanted to check it out. I didn't read the summary, so I didn't know it was for the Flip Side Fic Challenge, but I definitely got the feeling that horror was going to come in the next chapter. There was nothing overt here--Hannah is cheerful and upbeat, if a little naive, and obviously it's a day of shenanigans. However, there's still a dark undercurrent, like something's waiting to happen. I think it's the way you mention Madame Rosmerta's death there in the beginning--it's a horrible way to die, and it's sort of glossed over by Hannah's sunny cheer in a way that you just know means there's more creepy to come. But I think that's a good thing. It sets it all up and makes me curious about how that will unfold.

I'm gonna jot over and leave a review on the next chapter, but that is because (a) I'm curious about how this ends, and (b) I feel like my chapters are like 3 of your chapters, length-wise so I should throw in a little something extra. It's free of charge, though! No need for a matching extra review. Just to be clear--it's a freebie :D


CC:

one of the most successful wizarding law firms in magic Britain.
--This is a nitpicky thing, and it's totally just a matter of preference, but I think it might sound better here to say "magical" Britain instead of "magic". There's not really any particular reason why, though. It's perfectly fine as is.

As she stepped through the doorway, she felt a deep chill circulate through her body causing her to shiver.
--I think there should be a comma before "causing"

“It’s okay, Mrs. Abbott.
--This part's a bit inconsistent, as every other time Jenna addresses Hannah as "Madame Abbot".

Good job! I find the vibe on this piece super interesting, and now i'm really looking forward to seeing how it turns creepy!

--Penny

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Review #3, by Dojh167 Fall

17th August 2015:
First off, I really enjoy the chapter titles you chose for this story. They really do a good job of connecting the chapters together and differentiating the seriousness of each.

It is great to see Hannah a month in to owning the pub and evidently much more confident.

In a way, the fact that she is more confident makes her fear even more intense, which helps establish the darker tone of this chapter.

You do a great job of building the suspense here. The fact that Hannah leaves the pub after the stools and tankards fell without finding out why it had happened, and that she didn’t relay the full details to Jenna both help to build the awareness that there is something going on, and it can either be very mundane or very intense. The way that you describe the specifics of leaving her wand in her desk and entering the isolated space of the refrigerator are done in great specific detail that really helps to build the suspense.

Oh wow, the ending was so chilling! Jenna seemed so accessible and stable all throughout the story, and it was really haunting to see that cold-hearted turn of the ending moment.

I am going to choose to believe that Hannah somehow survives, since she one day becomes landlady of the Leaky Cauldron. Yes, I’ll go with that. Happy denial of your cruel story.

Overall, I think that this was a very well written story. While you are only just beginning to develop your comedy skills, your horror skills are ON POINT. Looking back, I think that it is incredibly effective how you set up the first chapter. The beginning of that chapter did have a very suspenseful feel to it, but then turned out to be very lighthearted in tone. So in this chapter, even though I knew it was meant as horror, I had the subconscious expectation that even though things started dark they would end alright. Well, way to throw that out the window. Also, Hannah’s discomfort when first in the pub in chapter one very effectively laid a subtly creepy undertone throughout the story, which really helped tie everything together and make it feel that, despite the varied levels of intensity and mood everything was leading to that final moment.

I did catch a few grammatical errors, particularly with commas and apostrophes. I will not get nit-picky about them here, but I would encourage you to look over things a bit more closely in your editing.

Thank you so much for your entry! It truly haunted and thrilled me.

A blog with challenge results will be posted soon. And THEN… I will post another humor challenge. Bwahaha.

Sam.

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Review #4, by Dojh167 Stumble

17th August 2015:
I’m finally here to review for the Flip Side Fic Challenge!

I need hardly tell you how much I adore Hannah and am glad to read more stories about her.

I love the attention to detail you have here. The way you describe the jingling keys, the rising sun, and Hannah’s walk to the pub all do a fabulous job of grounding the reader in Hannah’s world, both physically and emotionally.

While your second paragraph contains a lot of necessary exposition, it does take me out of the story a bit with its long detail-packed sentences. I think this is something that I have noticed before with your writing, so I would encourage you to try to find ways to more subtly incorporate exposition into your narratives.

I really love Hannah’s excitement to become landlady. At first when you mentioned that she had worked at a law firm, I was afraid that she would see working in the service industry as a step down, but I am glad to see that she doesn’t think that way and is fallowing her passion.

It’s so weird to think of the Three Broomsticks as having been closed. I’m sure everybody is happy to have Hannah stepping up to bring in back to life.

Once I got to the part about Hannah tripping over the bar stools, I had to double check if this was the humor or horror chapter. The beginning of the story is structured in a very suspenseful way.

It does show how green Hannah is, as she does so little preparation for the re-opening of such a popular pub. Still, I am very happy to see her beginning a new life for herself and remaining optimistic despite her lack of training and preparation.

Hehe, the image of Hannah looking like a pygmy puff covered in butterbeer foam is quite amusing.

The introduction of dialogue definitely helps this feel more like comedy. I would have liked to see Hannah mess things up more before Jenna arrived – it’s always funny to see people make more and more mistakes.

The fact that Jenna’s assurance that everything is fine is followed directly by black smoke is definitely funny, especially considering Hannah’s understated “Whoops.”

Haha, she was foamy-pygmy-puff all day? XD

I can tell that you’re still not totally comfortable with writing humor, but you do have some genuinely funny moments here, and I’m really proud of you for trying something you’ve never done before. I hope you keep at it!

I’m excited to see what you do with chapter two.

Sam.

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Review #5, by looneylizzie Fall

15th August 2015:
KAITLIN!!

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO GO AND CREEP ME OUT LIKE THAT!?!?!?!

I swear, I'm gonna have nightmares about this.

Oh my gosh. My heart is actually racing and I'm seriously trying not to panic.

I think I have a new phobia of walk-in freezers.

I knew you'd go all out on the horror part of this, and yet I read it anyway.

I don't regret it though, because this was phenomenal. I'm terrified, but excited because this is SO good!

How do you do this?!?! I can't write anything scary for the life of me!

Moving on to what actually happened, I've got to say, the fake-out you did at the beginning really got me. I was sure that something was going to happen to her that night, because no one else was in the pub, but then you went and had her get locked in the freezer WHEN SOMEONE ELSE WAS THERE!

And Jenna... she seemed so nice! AND THEN SHE GOES AND SITS THERE WHILE HANNAH IS LOCKED IN A FREEZER AND DYING BECAUSE SOME UNKNOWN THING DOESN'T LIKE HER!!! What kind of person does that?!?!?!

What is the thing that is haunting the pub? And why on earth wouldn't they like Hannah? She's sweet, and harmless!!

Okay... I need to breathe... just calm down Lizzie... it'll be fine...

Alright Kaitlin, I'm gonna go read something happy now.

But know that you did an AMAZING job with this story and I think it's a really strong entry for the Flip Side Fic Challenge. I'm definitely rooting for you to place!

Keep writing Kaitlin! You're awesome!!
LL

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Review #6, by looneylizzie Stumble

15th August 2015:
Kaitlin!

So I've decided to stop by and read the final product of this story since Kenny nominated it for SotM! :D

Well, I've got to say, I think you've done an excellent job with humor here! Especially for your first time really trying it out! You should definitely try and write some more. I think you could write some pretty hilarious stuff.

I LOVE the idea that Hannah was walking around all day with butterbeer foam all over her face. The image is quite hilarious. ;)

Although this is an excellent setup for the horror chapter as well (I haven't read it, but I'm already getting a creepy vibe from the pub), I'd actually love to see another funny moment in here - one with a bit more detail and dialogue. It would definitely add more to the humor side of things, and balance out the creepy stuff, since that's quite prominent in the beginning and overshadows the funnier, lighter stuff that comes later.

Regardless, you've done an excellent job Kaitlin! I'm loving this so far and am quite sure that I'm going to be extremely creeped out by the next chapter.

:) LL

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Review #7, by Infinityx Fall

13th August 2015:
Hi again Kaitlin! So, I had to read on after that first chapter because I wanted to see how you'd flip the genre. Plus, I was waiting for the second chapter since you posted the first one and I didn't know until now that it was up.

and omg WHAT JUST HAPPENED? IS SHE DEAD? WHAT WAS THAT INVISIBLE THING?

I think you captured the creepy tone for this chapter perfectly. Everything that Hannah feels, the nausea, the banging on the door - they were all so frantic and scary and wow, I have chills.

And this Jenna person... what even? And why were she and that thing trying to get rid of the owners? I have so many questions and I would love for you to expand this further, maybe a short story about Rosmerta?

I really need to know what's behind this, it's so creepy.

Is this AU? You haven't listed it as a genre but it seems to be. According to canon, Hannah becomes the owner of the Leaky Cauldron and lives on top of it with Neville. And then she goes on to become matron of Hogwarts. So for her to die so early and run a different place would be AU. It might be a good idea to list that as a genre?

Apart from that bit that struck as odd, I love this. It has such an amazing mysterious tone to it and I am so desperate to know what that was. Let me in on the secret? :)

Great writing, lovely!

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Review #8, by Infinityx Stumble

13th August 2015:
Hey Kaitlin! I'm here for our swap.

First off, I love that you've written Hannah here. She's such an overlooked character but always seemed to be a really sweet, quite clumsy person and it's great that you've brought out all those traits in this.

I love the way you begin this. You describe the scene so well, and it's really vivid. The setting is so beautiful and calm in the beginning, which also helps emphasize on the accidents that keep happening on the first day. Also, first attempt at humor - great idea to make mishaps happen. xD You've written it really well.

There was this one part where someone calls her Mrs. Abbott. So is she married by now? Does this mean she's in her late twenties or so? I'm not sure if it was a typo or if it was intentional, but it helps visualise Hannah and get a clearer perspective of where she is in life so I actually really liked that bit of detail.

Hahah foam like a pygmy puff. What a lovely picture. xD And problems with the gravy as well, oh dear. Poor Hannah. But it is funny to picture it as well, even though she's in such a frustrating situation.

Your writing is great in this. I love how it flowed so easily and everything was so clear and vivid to picture. Great job!

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Review #9, by FredWeasleyIsMyKing Stumble

12th August 2015:
Hi Kaitlin!

Reviewing for the RvG RB in the CR

So I was immediately attracted to this story as i really like Hannah as a character, especially post-war and I find it fascinating what people do with her :)

Her getting the pub is an interesting one and I'm so glad I read a story that explores how that might have happened.

Poor Madam Rosmerta! I was quite sad that she'd died even though I guessed something must have happened for Hannah to get the pub. I got the feeling all the way through this though that there was something more happening here. Every now and again you threw something in that made hannah nervous and consequently made me uneasy. Pair that with the slightly suspicious (in my opinion) cause of madam Rosmertas death and your authors note and I feel there is definitely something more going off. I just can't decide what that might be!! Well played in getting that in very subtly with everything else happening though.

I thought the opening scene was lovely and it was fun to see hannah a lot more outgoing than I picture her to be in the books. It might be just me, but I thought it was slightly odd she hadn't been in the pub before the morning they opened to get the place ready. I know they have magic but it seemed a bit risky walking in to a pub and then inspecting what needed to be done if you know what I mean? Don't get me wrong, I thought the little extras you included about fixing the place up were great and I liked reading them - they helped bring the story to life for me - I just imagined them happening before that morning. Like she could have pulled an all nighter to do it, or she could he thinking back to what she fixed up.

My one other bit of cc for this would be to go into more detail. You say in your AN you're worried about writing humour, but I thought you had some really funny things happen, I just sometimes felt they were slightly rushed. I would have loved to hear more about what the customers thought to her mishaps for example. I think a few extra details could really go a long way.

"A loud crashing sound echoed around the room as she crashed into several bar stools." - I just wanted to point this out as it was the only sentence that didn't flow quite right to me. I think it's using the word crash twice that's doing it.

"Mrs Abbott" - she'd be Miss ;) or you could stick to Madam?

This was a really great first chapter though and don't pull yourself down on the humour. Like I mentioned before, you have great ideas for it! I look forward to seeing how you turn this around for the next chapter...

Lauren

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Review #10, by SunshineDaisies Stumble

11th August 2015:
Hello! Here for our swap!

I was so excited to see you had a story about Hannah! I've become obsessed with her recently, so I'm always excited to read more about her! And the fact that you're writing about the inner workings of a pub made it even more appealing.

As always, you have a brilliant gift for imagery! I could so easily see the set up of the kitchen, and I could definitely imagine Hannah stumbling around inside. It was wonderful!

You also did a really great job of having Hannah making beginner mistakes. Having never worked in a restaurant, I was in the same position as Hannah, and definitely would have made all the same mistakes. It was very funny! I also think you did an excellent job of capturing Hannah's character.

Excellent job!

Author's Response: Hey Katie!

I've actually not read much about Hannah or given her much thought if I'm honest, but she seemed the right character for this.

That's a good thing. I always try really hard to make things vivid and real.

That's a huge relief. I'm not very good at writing humor, so it's nice to know that I didn't completely miss the mark.

Thanks for the swap!

~Kaitlin


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Review #11, by bittersweetflames Stumble

11th August 2015:
Hi, Kaitlin! -frolics-

First off, I am so suuuper sorry it took me ages to get to this review! I'd meant to do it last night but I fell asleep. Meh, bad Carla.
Anyway, I decided to read this story because I was so interested in reading how you did this challenge. I think it's one of the hardest challenges I've seen in the forums lately!

So, ok, let's talk about Hannah! While Hannah hasn't really been a major character books I do think that she's an important one. :) I really love the way you characterise her. She's positive and brave and hardworking...Just as you would expect a Hufflepuff who has gone through the same war Harry has to turn out to be. (I am losing my grammar here but I'm hoping you get what I mean. haha)

Ok, so you mentioned you didn't really do humour very well but I think you hit the nail on the head in this chapter! I especially like the pygmy puff look with foam from the butterbeer... That was precious.. I mean, I could just imagine it and it was hilarious (which is really quite 0.o because I am at work and I should not be laughing to myself quite so hard. They'd think I was insane and I want to make a good impression; at least these first few months. haahahaha)

So, yes, the whole Pub thing with Hannah and Jenna really works well and I can't wait to know what happens next. :)

-- Carla

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Review #12, by RavenclawFTW Fall

10th August 2015:
OH MY GOD KAITLIN!

THAT ENDING!

WHAT!

Ahem. I mean. I'm going to try to collect myself a write a coherent response.

So I saw this challenge going on and I thought it was a brilliant idea. This entry is amazing! Yowza! You hit a wonderfully believable mix between the two chapters. Seriously, the more I think about it, the harder I realize this challenge is, and the more impressive I find this story! You did a great job finding something that worked so well for both genres.

Last chapter, I was really amused by how little Hannah knew what she was doing. She was just like "let's do this" and then realized she had no idea what what happening and it was wonderful. I liked how she just up and decided to buy a pub out of the blue. It says a lot about her character! And then she's so good natured about everything! It was really endearing and I wanted her pub to work out so badly! She seemed so clumsy and adorable.

This chapter...ugh it was so creepy! And Jenna's conversation at the end! Ahh! I'm sorry, this is probably like gibberish. You just wrote Hannah's fear and reactions so realistically! And the premise of the horror was so...horrifying! Seriously, the more stories of yours that I read, the more in awe I am of your imagination and creativity!

So last chapter you mention that you find writing humor difficult and that this was one of your first attempts at it. I think you did a really good job for a first time! I was really amused throughout the last chapter, especially at the physical comedy. One thing that I think you may be able to work on a little bit is making the dialogue a little bit more natural/less formal. I think that's something that can make humor writing flow more smoothly. An example of what I'm talking about could be this exchange:

Hannah laughed. “I suppose so. I imagine I must look quite ridiculous dripping in this foam. Something like a pygmy puff.”

The customer laughed. “That’s a good analogy, although I think you might look more like an abominable snowman.”


While this conversation is still really funny and painted a great image in my head, it just felt a bit stilted when I read through it the first time. I think you've just got a great vocabulary that you're employing here, but sometimes real life speech is more casual than that, especially in silly/funny situations like this. So if I were to make it a bit more casual it could read more like:

Hannah laughed. “I guess so. I bet I look ridiculous, dripping in this foam. Like a pygmy puff or something.”

The customer laughed. “That’s about right, but I think you might look more like an abominable snowman.”


Do you get what I mean at all? I'm sorry if this sounds overly critical or something-- I just find your writing so engaging most of the time that the dialogue of the previous chapter stuck out to me a tiny bit. This might just be a personal thing, though-- I just usually think of humor writing as being more casual.

Anyway, I hope that was helpful! Seriously brilliant job on this challenge, and once again, I'm so impressed by how you fit so much plot and characterization and detail into so few words. You're so good at making every word count! Great job as usual! :)

--J

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Review #13, by Aphoride Stumble

10th August 2015:
Hey Kaitlin! :) Dropping by for our review swap! I love stories about Hannah (and Neville - hopefully? ;) :P), but a story about her and the pub is something I haven't seen before, so I had to stop by! :)

You say humour is terrifying and the hardest style and I'd definitely agree with this - it's so so difficult to do, that balance is just so hard to find at times - but you really don't need to feel bad about this at all, you've done really, really well with it, especially for it being your first time writing humour! I love the comedic moments you've sprinkled throughout this - with the butterbeer foam going everywhere, and her giving a pint of firewhisky to one patron, haha. Poor bloke - must have been horizontal when he left :P You work them in so easily and so naturally, it's just so great! :)

I love the way you've written Hannah, too - her clumsiness, her apprehension at suddenly owning a pub even though she wanted to because she has no experience, her wonderful ability to laugh off accidents and things. Not to mention she's so nervous, and almost paranoid of something in the kitchen - though given this is for the Flip Side Challenge, maybe a hint as to the future? ;) - and she just seems so real, in all, you know? She's just such a rounded character in this, and it's so great! It's not easy to do either, in a shorter story, especially when you've got so much else to put into it, so you've just done amazingly in this! :)

Your writing in this is really great. Like I said, the humour came through really well in this, and I loved how your description was so on point for all the comedy moments, too - the image of Hannah covered in foam was so great! :) And the bit with the smoke was so good, too - the combination of the suspense and the reveal in this was perfectly done! :) Plus, you really managed to get all of the emotions coming through so beautifully - but then I knew you could do that already ;)

(One thing: you say at the beginning that Hannah buys The Three Broomsticks, and then at the end you say she's in London :/ Maybe something to edit quickly? But it's nothing big! ;))

Thank you so much for the swap - it was great, as always! :)

Aph xx

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Review #14, by Unicorn_Charm Stumble

29th July 2015:
Hey Kaitlin!

That's really great to see that you're challenging yourself even more and writing a genre that you're normally not comfortable with. And you did a fine job with it, too. So stop your worrying! :p

Am I sensing a little bit of dark humor in the beginning of this? With the way that Rosmerta died? The poor thing, what a horrible way to go.

Oh Hannah. She just couldn't get anything to go right for her, could she? Although, it was a bit overzealous, almost the the point of foolishness for her to buy a pub with zero experience in the food industry. And not only a pub, she bought the pub. The silly girl. I laughed at the part with the Butterbeer and when she finally got it and was all proud of herself, a jerk customer told her it had too much head.

I'm really curious as to how this is going to take a dark turn and what is going to happen. Are one of the customers going to attack her? Will something in the pub go haywire and hurt someone? Are dark wizards going to arrive? I'm so curious!

I'm also dying to see if she ever settles in and finally figured out what she's doing there. But then I'm almost anticipating that not happening because of the direction the story is going to go. Neville to the rescue, perhaps?

This was a cute opening chapter. :) Even if I am aware that things are not going to stay as lighthearted. :p And congrats again at attempting something new and different! I know how scary that can be, so i totally admire you for doing that.

Thanks for the swap and good luck in the challenge!!

*hugs*
Meg ♥

Author's Response: Hey Meg,

You are too kind. My humor skills are totally lacking, but that's sort of what this whole challenge thing is about...trying to expand my writing. So anyway, I gave it my best effort.

Rosmerta's death is pretty tragic, but at least she went out with a bang. Too soon? (This is me trying to make jokes.)

Yeah, it was pretty silly of Hannah to jump into buying a pub without much thought. She certainly has a rough time because of it. And who doesn't hate beer with a ton of head?

I won't tell you how it takes a dark turn, but I will tell you that you haven't guessed correctly. It's something else entirely.

She will definitely start to settle in. While she might be impulsive, she certainly isn't stupid and she'll start to get the hang of things pretty quickly.

I'm glad that you enjoyed my amateur fumblings with humor. This was definitely the hardest chapter I've ever written.

Thanks for the swap and the luck!

~Kaitlin



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