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Reading Reviews for Phantom
  
1 Reviews Found

Review #1, by marauder5 Crocodile Tears

13th August 2015:
Hi! So, Rose/Scorpius is a pairing that I find so intriguing, and so is Astoria as a character. There's just so much you can do with it! Therefore, I felt that I had to read this story when I read your summary. I know this was just a first chapter, but it seems that there will be a lot of both that pairing and of Astoria in the rest of the story, so I'm excited for it!

This was a very nice start to the story. I assume that it shows the start of the relationship between Astoria and Rose, and it was very nicely done. Astoria seems very kind, but I like how you had her be a little harsh on Rose too. I imagine that she's quite tough as well as kind.

As for the moment with Draco and Hermione at St. Mungo's, I love the idea of him reaching out a metaphorical hand to them, though in my head, perhaps it would have been more subtle, like just smiling at them from across the room, or something. Anyway, it was a good way to show what a different person he would have become.

I noticed a few typo's/errors etc. (I know I tend to go blind when I read through my stories and miss them so I always appreciate it someone points them out)

First paragraph: "Australian" should probably be "Australia."

"it looked like somebody had taken a cheese grater to them and the tears seemed to flooding out of them like they were the chamber of secrets." I'm all for metaphors and images in writing, and especially when you come up with your own Harry Potter-related ones! However, I'm not sure about her eyes looking like someone had taken a cheese grater to them. It just sounded very brutal and bloody. Also, I'm not sure the Chamber of Secrets-reference makes enough sense, because it's not known for having water flood out of it, is it? But kudos to you for creativity! I love that!!

I also noticed that you slipped up in POV sometimes:
"Astoria walked hand in hand" ...
"It occurred to Astoria she should probably get home to her own baby."
The rest of the story was written in first person, so maybe look out for that, because it can get a little confusion. At first I was like, wait, I thought Astoria was the person speaking...? So just be careful with that. I know it's easy to slip up but I thought it would point it out :)

Overall, I really, really enjoyed the chapter! It was well written and like I said, I'm definitely interested to read more. Keep up the good work! Xx

Author's Response: Thank you! So helpful! Let me know what you think of the edits. New chapters on the way!

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